


Soledad III

by a1_kitkat



Series: Soledad [3]
Category: Westlife
Genre: Betrayal, Boyband, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kidnapping, M/M, Nicky loves Shane, Nightmares, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Scars, Secrets, Shane Loves Nicky, Shnicky - Freeform, Temporary Amnesia, Trials
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 22:26:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 49
Words: 93,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3398498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a1_kitkat/pseuds/a1_kitkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the events of 'Soledad II', Shane is preparing to take the stand and send his kidnappers to prison but Nicky's trauma causes a rift between the couple. Will their relationship survive?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Shane awoke to the sound of heavy rain pounding on the roof. He opened his eyes and rolled over. The room around him was unfamiliar and the blonde asleep in the bed beside his was not his lover. It took less than 3 seconds for Shane to remember where he was, who he was with and why he was there. The past few days had been a living nightmare for the young singer but yesterday, his prayers had been answered. Nicky had been found, alive and in relatively good condition. And he was now recovering in Hospital.  
The brunette's sleep-filled eyes began to sting as tears began to form in his hazel orbs. Kane was dead and Tobey had been arrested but that didn't change what the two men had done to Nicky. Shane felt sick just thinking about it.  
When he'd climbed down into that 'basement', he had found Nicky covered in blood and bruises and chained to a wall. He couldn't bear to think what his lover had been subjected to while being held captive by those two fiends. He held back a sigh.  
'What I wouldn't give to be at home, NOT here in a Bed & Breakfast... But at home, in my own bed with Nicky safe, happy and unharmed in my arms' Shane thought.

"Hey" Kian's muffled voice called from the other bed. "You're awake"  
"Yeah" Shane replied. "Morning"  
"Are you okay?"  
"Let's see... My boyfriend is lying in Hospital after being kidnapped, taken from our own house *and* right under my nose... Then kept chained to a wall, being repeatedly raped by two psychotic assholes for almost a week... And is now suffering from some kind of 'post-traumatic amnesia' which has wiped all memory of this ordeal, not to mention the fact that he and I are actually engaged, from his mind... And the 'wonderful' doctors decided that I needed to be the one to tell him all that and when I did, he effectively shut me out and-"  
"Ok..." Kian interrupted Shane's rant. "I get it. Dumb question. I'm sorry I asked"  
"No, it's not your fault. I'm just crabby this morning. I hate the way I left things with him yesterday"  
"Well then, why are we just lying here? Let's go and make things right between the two of you again..."


	2. Chapter One

Less than an hour later, Shane and Kian were back at the hospital. After a brief visit with Dr. Handin, Shane had ventured to Nicky's room. With each passing step, Shane became more and more anxious. He had seen and heard the pain in Nicky's eyes and voice, how would he feel now? He paused outside the door, collecting his strength and preparing himself for what was to come.  
He slowly raised his fist and timidly knocked on the door. After receiving no reply, he reached out and carefully opened the door. He stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. He turned around and looked at Nicky for the first time.  
The older boy was still fast asleep. He lay on his side, possibly not good for his burns or injured ribs, his hand tucked under the pillow while the other was draped across his chest. Shane paused, simply taking in the sight before him. His heart was suddenly filled with more emotions and feelings than he could count. Love, worry, pain, compassion, hurt, fear... and as much as he hated to admit it... even lust.

Shane took a deep breath and slowly released it. A moment later, his legs were carrying him towards Nicky. Before he knew it, he was standing beside the sleeping blonde. Not wanting to disturb or wake him just yet, he slowly climbed onto the bed beside his lover. He reached out and lightly stroked his cheek. Shane then took Nicky's hand in his own. He lay down beside Nicky and closed his eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Nicky" Shane whispered.  
He leaned closer and softly kissed Nicky's forehead. He pulled away and laid his head on the pillow beside the older boy.  
"I love you" he whispered, gently stroking his cheek again.  
"I love you too" Nicky replied, his eyes still closed.  
"Nix" Shane began. "I'm so-"  
"Shhh. I know" Nicky interrupted him, opening his eyes. "Kiss me?"  
Shane smiled at Nicky. He then leaned closer to his lover and gently kissed his lips. As their lips met the soft peck turned to a passionate, lust-filled lip-lock. Both boys smiled into the kiss, the previous day’s disagreement temporarily resolved.

*****

"So I'm just missing a week's memories" Nicky stated. "And... It's nothing I would *want* to remember. Right?"  
The blonde singer was sitting up in his hospital bed. The daily newspaper was open on his lap. Both Shane and Kian were present in the room. Shane was sitting on the bed, holding Nicky's hand in his own and gently stroking the back of it. Kian was sitting in the chair beside the bed, watching the couple in silence and pondering if he should be the one to answer Nicky's question or if it were best to leave it up to Shane.

However, the brunette had temporarily tuned out of the conversation. He was no longer aware that Kian was in the room. He hadn't even realized he was clutching Nicky's hand for dear life. His lover's question had broken through the fog inside his brain and he feared answering it. He knew he had two options. He could either lie to his lover... Or... He didn't want to do that. He averted his gaze in an attempt to hide the pain and guilt he was now feeling.

"No, Nix" Shane replied. "Absolutely nothing happened that you would want to remember"

Kian's heart sank at Shane's response. However, he chose to remain silent. It wasn't his place to interfere. No matter how stubborn Shane was, this was between him and Nicky.  
The bed-bound blonde nodded and turned his attention back to his newspaper. Kian chose this particular moment to shoot a meaningful look at Shane. The brunette caught his eye and sadly shook his head. With Nicky still distracted, Kian kept up this silent exchange. He hardened his gaze and silently urged 'stop hiding it'. Once again, Shane shook his head and this time he averted his eyes. Kian bit his lip in frustration. Nicky, oblivious to this exchange, looked up from the paper and glanced at Shane.

"Shay?" Nicky began.

At his lovers call, the young singer instantly looked up. A neutral expression pasted on his face.

"Do you want me to get you something Nix?" he asked the blonde.  
"Something to drink?" Nicky replied, hopefully.  
"Sure, I'll be right back... you want anything Ki?"  
Kian shook his head.

Shane stood up and released his hold on Nicky's hand. He leaned forward, about to kiss the blonde's lips. At the last second he changed his mind and placed a kiss on Nicky's cheek. He turned his back immediately, missing the crestfallen look on his lovers face. Shane slipped out the door without saying another word.

As soon as Shane was out of earshot, Nicky tossed his newspaper down on the bed and looked at Kian. The younger man was staring out the window and didn't notice Nicky's silent stand.

"Okay, spill" Nicky stated.

Kian turned away from the window, focusing now on Nicky. The blonde was sitting up in bed, newspaper aside, arms folded across his chest and a hard look in his eyes.

"Spill?" Kian asked.  
"I'm not stupid, Ki" Nicky continued. "Shane's hiding something from me and I know that you know what it is"  
"I really don't know what you're talking about"  
"Please Kian? I can see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch or non-touch. He's lying to me about something. And... And I need to know what it is"  
"I'm sorry but I can't help you"  
"Is it because of what was done to me? Is that why he's afraid to touch me? Is he disgusted with me? Or... Did... Did something happen to him, like what happened to me last time?"  
"No, nothing like that"  
"Then please tell me"

Kian hesitated for a moment.  
"Just how much did he tell you?" Kian asked.

Nicky paused, thinking back to their first conversation after he woke up in the hospital almost three days ago.  
"He just said that something bad happened to me... He asked if I could remember what was done to him last year. And then he said that the one's who hurt him back then... came back for more"

Kian averted his eyes. He couldn't stand to look at Nicky's blue eyes. The older boy was pleading with him. Not that he could blame him. Kian knew if he was in Nicky's position, he'd want to know the truth. He'd need to know what happened. Kian always prided himself on being in control, being precise, knowing what was happening and when. If he was missing a week's worth of memories, he'd be doing anything and everything to get them back. No matter how bad or painful they might be.

"He's right, Nicky" Kian began. "It was bad"  
"How bad?" Nicky asked, trying to keep his voice strong.  
"Nicky, if I tell you any of this, please... promise me you won't tell Shane that I told you"  
"What?"  
"Please, Shane should be telling you this. Not me. But... I don't think he knows how to say it. I... I can tell you some but I really don't think I should. This is something you should be hearing from him"  
"Kian, I understand how you feel and I'm sorry for putting you in this position but please? I just need to know something. Anything, I promise I won't tell Shane. I swear!"

"Nicky," Kian began, gentle but firmly. "Those two lackeys who… raped you… last year. They kidnapped you, right in front of Shane and me. They got into the house... our house... and took you. They had guns and knives. We couldn't stop them. We couldn't save you. It took four days for you to be found"

Tears were freely spilling down Kian's cheeks. The memory of Nicky's kidnapping more vivid then ever in his mind. Remembering the two masked men, seeing one of them on top of Nicky... Pointing the gun at his friend and forcing his tongue into Nicky's mouth.  
"I'm so sorry, Nicky" Kian sobbed.

The younger boy looked up at Nicky and froze. The older blonde was still sitting up in the bed; his arms were no longer folded. Instead they lay limp on the bed beside him. Nicky's face was horribly pale, causing his bruises to stand out even more on the familiar face.

Kian took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his face with his hand. He knew Shane would be back any second and he didn't want his friend to know what they had been talking about. He quickly stood up and crossed the room, sitting himself down on the edge of the bed.  
"I'm sorry" Kian whispered. "But please, don't say anything to Shane"  
"What did they do to me?" Nicky whispered.

The older boy closed his eyes, scared of hearing Kian's response. His entire body had begun to tremble. He felt a cold shiver pass down his spine while a fine layer of sweat appeared on his forehead. He was afraid of what Kian's next words would be but he didn't want to tell him to stop. He needed to know what happened. He needed to know what had been done to him.

Kian remained silent. Trying to think of the best way to break this kind of news to his fragile and damaged friend. Should he just cut to the point? Tell him he was repeatedly raped for four days straight. Or tell him he was just beaten several times. Should he mention the time Shane had been forced to listen to it happen over the phone? Should he tell him they had photos of some of it happening?

Kian opened his mouth but couldn't force the words to come out. Instead he reached out and gently placed his hand on Nicky's cheek. He brushed one of his friends tears aside and took a deep breath. He had never done anything like this before, how could he possibly tell one of his friends (and his best friend’s lover) that he had been raped? Kian opened his mouth, it was now or never.


	3. Chapter Two

Shane stepped into the room and froze. Kian was sitting on the bed beside Nicky, his hand on Nicky's cheek. The brunette stopped in confusion. The two men appeared to be in a very intimate embrace. They were whispering and Shane couldn't make out their words to each other. His stomach did a back flip while his heart skipped a beat. The brunette was not normally a jealous person but seeing his lover and his best friend in such a position... under other circumstances, any normal person would have been out for blood.

"Did I miss something?" Shane asked, startling the two blondes.

Kian pulled away from Nicky and turned to Shane. The older boy was unable to read the expression on his best friend's face and he found that fact very disconcerting. He crossed the room and handed Nicky his requested drink.

"Shane, can I speak to you?" Kian asked. "Outside?"

Shane looked from Nicky to Kian and back again. Nicky was amusing himself with his drink so Shane looked back at Kian and nodded. His curiosity was spiking. He wanted to know what they had been talking about and why Kian had been holding Nicky that way. He leaned down and quickly kissed the top of Nicky's head.

"We'll be right back" Shane told his lover. Nicky simply nodded. Confused, once again, by the unaffectionate kiss from his boyfriend.

Shane quickly followed Kian into the hallway and pulled the door closed behind them, not wanting Nicky to be able to hear them. He turned to face Kian, folding his arms across his chest in a similar fashion to what Nicky had done not even five minutes ago. Kian had to suppress a laugh. Shane and Nicky were indeed the ideal couple, so perfectly in tune with each other.

"I was comforting him" Kian began.

The younger lad had seen the look in Shane's eyes. The look that had washed over his face when he had seen Kian's hand on Nicky. Kian knew Shane wasn't a jealous kind of person but he also knew that he was very protective of the people he cares about. And of all the people in Shane's life, the one he was most protective of was Nicky.

"Comforting him?" Shane asked, panic instantly filling his voice. "Why? What happened? What did he do? Is he okay?"

"He's fine, Shane" Kian told him. "He was trying to get me to talk to him. About what happened. He's asking questions because he wants... needs answers. You can't keep lying to him. I know you, and you can't lie to him. You can't lie. You never could and you're not about to start now"

Shane stared at Kian, that same neutral expression masking his face. The younger boy grew concerned when, after a few moments, Shane's expression didn't falter. He opened his mouth to speak but before he could say anything the brunette's entire facade collapsed. Shane's deep, hazel eyes filled with tears and he threw himself into Kian's unsuspecting arms. The younger boy took a second to react, taken aback by Shane's collapse.

Kian recovered quickly and wrapped his arms around his best friend. The older boy continued to sob in his friends embrace. He buried his face in Kian's neck and tried to compose himself. After several minutes, Shane finally began to calm down. He slowly pulled away from Kian and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

"I'm scared, Ki" Shane admitted.  
"Scared? Scared of what?" Kian asked, confused.  
"I was talking to one Nicky's doctors this morning..."  
"What's wrong? Is it serious?"  
"They found an anomaly on one of their tests and they have to run it again..."  
"Which test?"  
Shane paused and took a deep breath, his voice shook when he tried to speak.

"I've been afraid to tell him" Shane began to ramble. "I told the doctor not to worry him about it but I... I've been worrying enough for the both of us... And I think he's starting to notice. It's like you said I can't lie... but this is so hard to keep from him. He... He needs to know but it'll just scare him but then again... Advanced warning would be good but if it turns out to be nothing, then I would have worried him for no reason. But if I keep this up, he's definitely going to notice. I can't even bring myself to touch him..."

"I know" Kian replied. "He's noticed that too and he's worried. He thinks you're disgusted with him... That it’s the reason why you're afraid to touch him. He even asked me if something had happened to you, like what was done to him during your kidnapping... He wants to know why you're afraid to touch him"

"Oh God. I don't mean to be. I'm trying to, Ki. I love him so much and all I wanna do is go in there, take him in my arms and never let go of him. I just want to be able to hold him and kiss him and make this all go away..."  
"Shane? Which test results were they?" Kian asked him, in a firm tone.  
"Doctor Handlin says Nicky could have HIV" Shane whispered.

*****

Later that afternoon, Bryan brought Kerry and Molly to the Hospital to visit Nicky. Kian had gone home, leaving Shane alone with Nicky in hopes it would get the two of them talking. When Bryan entered Nicky's room, the awkwardness level was off the scale. Shane was sitting in the chair beside the bed, staring out the window while Nicky was amusing himself with the television. Nicky seemed relieved for the distraction.

"There's my girl" Nicky greeted Molly.

Kerry laughed as she handed Molly to Nicky. She leaned down and kissed Nicky's cheek. Bryan simply ruffled Nicky's hair as his way of saying hello. The patient slapped Bryan's hand away and continued to coo over Molly... unbeknownst to him that he was now Molly's Godfather.

"Nicky, sweetheart" Kerry greeted him. "How are you feeling today?"  
"I'm okay, Kerry" Nicky replied while casting a pained glance at Shane. "My rib hurts a little but the doctor said that's to be expected"  
"I wanted to say how sorry I am. It must have been awful"  
"Thanks... And it probably was. The only good thing to come of this amnesia thing is that I don't remember what they did. To be honest, it scares me. Not knowing what was done. I look in the mirror and can see the damage...."   
"Been sleeping okay?"  
"Not really. I keep having these dreams... Nightmares I guess. I keep telling myself that they're not real but I can't be sure. I keep having these images of flames and I wake up, sweating all over"

Kerry looked over at her husband and Shane. The two men were having a whispered conversation in the corner. She wondered if Shane had explained the meaning of the fire to Nicky yet and if he hadn't... Should she?  
"Is that all? Just flames?" Kerry asked.  
"I think so" Nicky replied, closing his eyes and trying to remember his dream. "There's someone there... Holding a gun?"  
"Are you sure?"  
Nicky shrugged.

"It's probably just a dream. I just wish I knew for sure. I wish someone could fill in the blanks for me. I spoke to my mam yesterday. She invited me and Shane around for dinner once I get out of here. I didn't know she knew about me and him. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I don't remember telling her. She seemed okay though. She said that my dad hasn't quite gotten used to the idea yet. That it's not exactly proper... She said he'll come around though"

They were interrupted by Bryan who wanted to fill Nicky in on all the Soccer matches he'd 'missed'. Kerry exited the conversation and walked over to Shane. She sat down on the arm of the chair and placed her hand on his shoulder.  
"You haven't told him yet?" Kerry asked.  
"Which part?" Shane replied. Kerry pointed to her engagement ring and raised her eyebrows at Shane. The brunette shook his head.  
"I think you need to tell him..." Shane opened his mouth to speak but Kerry continued "Before his parents tell him"  
"His parents!"  
"He spoke to his mother yesterday. She didn't say anything about it but he was surprised to find out that she knew about the two of you being together"  
"I... I didn't even think of that"

Shane jumped to his feet.  
"I have to go" Shane told his friends. "I'll be back in a while"  
With nothing but a friendly smile at his love, Shane turned and left the room.  
Nicky watched him go with a sinking heart. With each passing hour, Shane seemed to be pulling further and further away from him. Nicky was afraid to think of just how far away Shane was willing to run.


	4. Chapter Three

"I'm sorry, I meant to tell you earlier... I just didn't know how" Shane said into the phone. He was standing in the Hospital waiting room, nervously twirling the phone cord around his finger.  
"Kian did tell us about it" Yvonne replied. "He just didn't go into any details"  
"I should have been the one to tell you, Mrs. Byrne"  
"Shane, sweetheart... It's Yvonne, remember?"  
"Sorry Yvonne. It's just really hard right now. I'm scared of upsetting him. I know that he needs to be told these things and I don't want him to have to hear it from some stranger... He keeps looking to me for answers and I want to tell him. I want to be able to help him but I'm scared. I don't know how to say half of it"  
"Shane, he trusts you. He always has. You're his best friend. It might be hard for you but it'll mean more coming from you"  
"I know. I just need a little bit of time. Please, when you talk to him... be easy on him. I know he'll be in touch with you but..."   
"He's my son and I want to do everything I possibly can to help him... I'll admit, my motherly instinct is telling me to get in my car and rush to his side... But my heart is telling me that the best thing to do is leave him in your capable hands"  
"Mrs... Yvonne, are you sure?"  
"I know you'll do the right thing. I want to be there for him but I know there's not really anything I can do for him. He needs you right now... Not me. And as his mother that thought really hurts, knowing I'm not needed. But I trust that you can help him, you love him, right?"  
"Of course I do"  
"Then I trust you'll do what's right... for both of you"  
"Thank you... I have to go and check on him. I'll talk to you soon"  
"Give my best to the other lads... And tell Nicky we love him..."  
"I will..."  
"Goodbye"  
"Oh, and one more thing... When you talk to him, please don't tell him we're engaged"

*****

When Shane returned to Nicky's room, he was surprised to see Bryan and Kerry getting ready to leave. Kerry was holding Molly, who was crying her eyes out, and was attempting to calm her down.

"Is Molly alright?" Shane asked everyone.  
"I think she's coming down with something" Kerry replied.  
"We probably shouldn't have brought her with us but couldn't find anyone to look after her" Bryan added. "We'd better be off"  
"Thanks for coming" Nicky replied. "I really appreciate it"  
"I'll walk you to the door" Shane told them.  
Shane, Bryan, Kerry and Molly all left the room. Nicky watched them leave before picking up the remote and turning on the TV.

"I don't understand why you haven't talked to him yet" Bryan told Shane.  
"It's not as easy as it sounds" Shane replied. "I really want to tell him but it's hard. I don't know where to start... Or how to say most of it. I... I'm afraid to tell him because I'm afraid of how he'll react"  
"You know Nicky better than any of us, you know how strong he is and just how much he can and can't handle"  
"You're saying he's not as vulnerable as I seem to think he is"  
"He's a person, Shane. And he's not made of glass. If you tell him something that's hard to hear, he's not going to break"  
"I know" Shane sighed. "I'm being selfish. I keep telling myself that he won't want to hear it... just so I don't have to be the one to tell him"  
"Shane, you and Nicky have made it this far" Kerry said before kissing Shane's cheek. "And I know this isn't the end for the two of you"  
"Thanks Kerry..." Shane sighed. "You know... Sometimes, I wish it were still the beginning for us"  
"It'll get better, sweetheart. Things will go back to normal soon... These things just take time"  
"I know... But the more I think about it, the more I realize that things were never normal between me and Nix. I don't think we can ever go back to the way we were and I don't... I don't think I want to"  
"Shane?" Bryan asked, beyond confused. "What do you mean? What are saying? You don't want to be with him anymore?"

"No! Of course not! I would never say that. I could never leave him. I just meant that something's always been 'off'. Christian and his lackeys were already hounding me when Nicky and I got together... And for the past eight months we've both been dealing with what happened during my abduction... And just when we thought it was nearly over... it's starting all over again"  
"Things will get better, Shane" Kerry replied.

Shane nodded and smiled. He leaned forward and kissed Molly's forehead. He gave Kerry a quick hug and peck on the cheek. Bryan resisted the urge to hug Shane and simply shook his hand.  
"I'll talk to you tomorrow, Shane" Bryan said.  
"Yeah" Shane replied. "Drive safe"

*****

"Good afternoon, Mr. Byrne" Doctor Evans greeted Nicky.  
The blonde singer flicked the television off and turned his attention to the young doctor now standing in the doorway of his room. She reminded him very much of his high school sweetheart Georgina. Her dark hair and compassionate eyes were reassuring to him.

"Afternoon, Doctor?" Nicky enquired.  
"Yes, I'm Doctor Evans" she replied. "I spoke with your psychiatrist, a Dr. Katherine Robins, this morning. She said you've been a patient of hers for just over six months now, is that correct?"  
"Yep... That's correct. My, uh, partner is also a patient of hers... They're kind of the reason I started seeing her too"  
"Well, Doctor Handlin has suggested that you start seeing her three times a week for the next month (at least). And, I've also been told to tell you that you can go home"  
"Really? When?"  
"Tomorrow perhaps. Worst case, the day after"  
"Thank you. That's the best news I've heard all day"  
"Well, it's about to get better... Uh, Mr. Filan isn't here? I spoke to him a few days ago in regards to some of your tests. Your health cover lists him as-"   
"I know. He's practically family"  
"Well, I'm sure he told you about the anomaly in your test results. He promised to tell you as soon as possible..."

Nicky paused for a moment. Shane hadn't mentioned anything about a test result. In fact, Shane had barely spoken to, looked at or touched him during the last few days. The patient bit his lip, wondering if the doctor was about to shed some light on Shane's strange behavior.

"Mr. Byrne?" Doctor Evans asked. "Are you still listening to me?"  
"Uh, yes" Nicky replied. "Of course, the tests..."  
"I understand that you must be pretty scared right now. Not knowing what's happening inside your own body. Not knowing if someday you'll unwittingly be a threat to others"  
Nicky closed his eyes, fearing bad news.

"Well, I've made you suffer enough. The HIV results came back negative. Most men who are victims of rape run an extremely high risk of contracting HIV. To some, the mere thought of becoming infected and running the risk of passing it on to others, is almost more traumatic than the rape itself. I'm sorry that you've had this over your head for a few days but we like to let our patients know what they could be facing. Worst case scenario and all"  
"Thank you, Doctor" Nicky replied, his voice sounding strained. "It's a relief to finally know... one way or the other"  
"I'll check in on you again before you check-out... And you'll pass the news onto your friend?"  
"Yes, I will"  
"Bye"

Silently, Nicky watched Doctor Evans leave. Once she was gone, he didn't bother to turn the television back on. Instead he blinked back the tears which had quickly formed in his eyes. He knew he hadn't been imagining it. Ever since Nicky had seen him talking to Doctor Evans, Shane had been pulling away from him.... Nicky cursed to himself. He had seen the two of them talking just outside his room, when he had asked Shane what they had been talking about... Shane had shrugged it off. He had said it wasn't anything important and Nicky had believed him. But now that he really thought about it... Shane had been pulling away from him ever since.

"Why didn't I notice it sooner?" Nicky asked himself.  
Nicky's mind then continued to wonder. Shane had started to pull away as soon as he found out Nicky could be infected with HIV. Doctor Evans' words replayed themselves in Nicky's mind 'the mere thought of becoming infected and running the risk of passing it on to others, is almost more traumatic than the rape itself'. Nicky couldn't remember his assault, not this time anyway... 

But the more he thought about it, the more he wondered if he should be mad at Shane or not. Yes, Shane had kept this big secret from him. Something Nicky had had a right to know. But at the same time, Nicky could see why Shane had kept it from him. Had the situation been reversed, Nicky couldn't say he would have handled it differently. But it hurt him to know that Shane would turn his back on him had he been infected. 

"Shay" Nicky whispered to the empty room. "You promised you'd never leave me"

Nicky sighed and using the back of his hand, wiped the tears from his cheeks. In all honesty, Shane hadn't really left him... Not mentally, but physically... Nicky closed his eyes, afraid that Shane really would leave him. But Nicky was more afraid of himself... Wondering, if knowing all this, would make him not want to take Shane back.


	5. Chapter Four

The following morning, Nicky was waiting patiently for Shane to arrive at the Hospital. The Doctors had finally given him permission to go home. When he had told Shane this happy news, the young brunette had seemed genuinely happy but since Nicky (or anyone else) hadn't told him about the test results, there had still been a haunting sadness in Shane's normally twinkling hazel eyes.  
Nicky knew that by keeping the truth from Shane, he was doing the wrong thing. He hated lying to his lover but at the same time... Knowing that Shane wasn't being entirely honest with him was painful.

The recovering blonde closed his bag, which was packed full of various clothes, books, magazines and other random items his friends and family had been sending him while he was recuperating, and dropped it on the bed. Nicky sighed at the thought of his family.  
The only family member who had come to visit him was his sister Gillian. But he spoke to his mother every single day on the phone and he knew the reason why she hadn't come to see him... Apart from the obvious being that he had told her not to... In truth, he didn't really need her as there was nothing 'wrong' with him and his friends were all taking good care of him. He hadn't really seen any point in making her drive back and forth to the Hospital every day just so she could watch him sit in a Hospital bed and watch TV. Yet in the back of his mind, he couldn't help but think about how nice it would be to have a comforting and reassuring hug from his mother rather than an (unintentional) hesitant and icy one from Shane.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

'Finally' he thought.  
The blonde singer leapt to his feet, preparing to throw himself into Shane's arms (whether the brunette wanted a hug or not wasn't important to Nicky). The door opened.

"You're chauffer has arrived"  
"Kian?" Nicky asked in disbelief.  
"Good morning Nicky. Are you ready to come home?"  
"Where's Shane?"

Kian averted his eyes, not wanting to see the look on his friend's face when he told him.  
"He's...uh...He's not here. He's at home" Kian admitted. "He's fine... He's...uh... He's organizing a welcome home party for you"  
"That's fucking bullshit Kian!"

The younger of the two boys froze partly in shock. He hadn't heard Nicky swear for months. There was a hurtful anger in Nicky's blue eyes that made Kian want to March straight home and slap Shane up the side of the head. It was at times like this when he almost has to pinch himself as a reminder of what his friend's had been going through lately. These past few months had often felt like some kind of sick nightmare that they were all long overdue to wake up from. Kian was constantly reminding himself that this wasn't a dream. This was real and it was hard... Especially at times like this.

"I'm really sorry Nicky" Kian replied. "He asked me last night if I could drive out here and get you... Given the state that he was in, I didn't have the heart to say no"  
"What do you mean?" Nicky asked.  
"I... I heard him crying in the Kitchen... It was enough to wake me up actually. I haven't seen him that bad since the day after he came home from the hospital, you know after his kidnapping"

Nicky simply nodded in agreement, as a response to Kian's non-question. That had been one of Shane's worst days, ever. They had decided to take it easy and just relax in their backyard but an obsessed photographer had somehow managed to sneak onto their property in hopes of snapping some photo's of Shane recovering. Once Shane spotted the photographer, he had an anxiety attack and was convinced that he wasn't really a photographer but one of his kidnappers coming back to take him again. Kian and Bryan had managed to get the camera off the man and remove him from the grounds... That night Shane had insisted on finding a new home and Kian offered to move in with them temporarily.

"Well, I guess we should get going huh?" Nicky suggested.  
"Sure thing" Kian replied.

Kian walked over to the bed, picked up Nicky's packed bag and slung it over his shoulder. Nicky opened his mouth to protest, wanting to insist that he could carry his own bag but Kian shrugged it off. Instead he pointed to the wheelchair he'd left propped up outside the door.

"Go on, get in" Kian ordered.  
"You've got to be joking" Nicky replied.  
"It's Hospital policy Nicky. You've got to sit in that wheelchair while I push you to the car"  
"It's not like my legs were hurt"  
"Just get in... The sooner you sit down, the sooner we can leave"  
Nicky sighed and reluctantly sat down. Kian released the brake and proceeded to lead his friend out of the Hospital. He secretly hoped it would be a long time before any of them ended up back here.

*****

Shane leaned forward on the saddle, urging Carlton Diva to run faster and faster. They jumped and cleared the fence without Shane even realizing. Not that he really cared. He wasn't going anywhere or training for any upcoming competitions. He just wanted to escape from reality for just a minute. He loved being up on one of his horses, he felt comfortable and in control. He longed to be in control of something right now. For the past few days he'd felt like everything was out of his control.

He knew he had done the wrong thing, that he should have gone to the hospital himself rather than send Kian but truth be told he'd been afraid. The conversation with Nicky was all but inevitable as he hadn't heard from the doctor yet and he was too afraid to call and ask. He didn't want the doctor to tell him Nicky was sick. He didn't want Nicky to be sick.

"Fate just loves to screw with us" Shane told Carlton Diva. "Nicky and me... We fall in love and I get kidnapped"  
Shane slowed the horse to a trot and lightly stroked its' mane.  
"Kidnapped" He continued. "Raped and tortured..." Shane shook his head in disbelief. "Nicky and I get engaged and he gets kidnapped, raped and..." Shane sighed. "And infected"

Shane blinked back his tears. And, not for the first time, he wished none of this had ever happened. He now understood what he'd been told in his youth about learning to take the good with the bad. He almost laughed at the thought... That once upon a time, the good in his life had been being in Westlife while the bad simply meant being away from home, his family and his friends a lot. As he continued to stroke his horse, he stared up at the grey sky and sighed.

"I remember when all we had to worry about was teenage fans, making it to recording sessions on time and trying to remember what country we were in" Shane told Carlton Diva. "And look at us now... Now we have to worry about stalkers, kidnappers and court proceedings"

Shane shook his head and grabbed a hold of the reins again. Together, he and Carlton Diva raced across the yard and leaped over the next fence. He had vented his thoughts out loud and felt revived. Taking the good with the bad was a valid point, he thought.

"Nicky's the best thing that's ever happened to me" Shane said aloud. "Sickness and injuries be damned".

*****

Nicky sat in silence for a majority of the trip home. Kian had attempted small talk a couple of times before giving up. He could tell Nicky needed time to adjust to being out of the Hospital. Kian also noticed that Nicky was being too quiet; he wasn't fidgeting as he usually did and his eyes appeared to be almost out of focus... Kian knew this meant he was thinking... Seriously thinking. The younger boy silently hoped Nicky wasn't about to have a flashback as he [Kian] wasn't sure how to handle something like that. So he just focused on the road, knowing that if Nicky needed him, he'd speak up.

The older blonde was deep in thought. He had been so happy at the prospect of leaving the hospital and going home... Going home to be with Shane. But deep down, knowing that Shane couldn't even bring himself to pick Nicky up from the Hospital was hurtful. After several more minutes, Nicky finally broke the silence.

"I'm leaving, Ki" Nicky said.  
"The Hospital? Yeah, I kinda noticed that Nicky" Kian laughed.  
"No, not the Hospital Kian... Shane"  
"What?"

Kian slammed his foot down on the brakes, pulling the car over onto the side of the road. Nicky looked out the window at the narrow street and the other cars trying to pass them then turned to Kian.

"What are you doing? You can't pull over here" Nicky stated.  
"Me? What are you doing? You can't just drop a bomb like that and expect me not to react! What are you talking about, you can't leave him!" Kian argued.  
"I... I didn't mean it like that Ki"  
"That's it" Kian said, starting up the car and pulling back onto the road. "Next exit, I'm stopping this car and you & I are going to have a serious talk... Maybe then I'll be able to knock some sense into you"


	6. Chapter Five

As Shane pushed both himself and his horse to the limit, he started to lose his concentration (and his control). His conversation with Kian the previous night was weighing heavily on his mind. He could still hear his friend and band mate scolding him.  
"I don't understand" Kian had said. "You and Nicky claim to love each other more than life itself but at the first sign of trouble, you're both willing to turn your back on the other... And that doesn't seem like a very strong relationship to me"

Kian had had a point. Shane hadn't realized it before now but whenever things started to get tough, either himself or Nicky would try to take the easy way out... by ending it. This plan had never worked though as neither one of them was willing to let the other go. And this time was no different.  
Shane would have to tell Nicky the truth. And if his blonde lover tried to leave him then Shane would (once again) refuse to let him go.

*-*-*-*-*

Some time later, a fine rain had started to fall. Shane had simply smiled as he enjoyed riding in the rain and therefore was quite used to it. He checked his watch, curious to know what was taking Kian and Nicky so long.  
He decided to do a quick practice in the next field which was currently set up for show-jumping. He led the horse into the paddock and together they looped the field before lining up their first jump.  
It had been awhile since Shane had practiced jumping but it was like riding a bicycle, some things you just never forget. Shane tightened his grip on the reins and took off towards the first jump.

*-*-*-*-*

The two lads had driven home in an uncomfortable silence. Kian was annoyed at Nicky for what he was threatening to do while Nicky was mad that Kian refused to see this from Nicky's point of view. The older of the two was now wishing he'd never mentioned it. He had been hoping Kian would understand and help him talk to Shane about it... But no such luck.

When Kian stopped the car in the driveway, Nicky reached into the backseat and collected his bag then, without a word to Kian, got out of the car and walked straight into the house. He walked straight upstairs to his and Shane's bedroom and dropped his bag on the floor. He crossed the room and looked out the window; he could see Shane outside riding one of his horses. Nicky smiled to himself... He loved Shane so much.

Nicky stepped away from the window and made his way outside. Kian was standing outside on the back porch, letting Shane know from afar that they were home. Nicky knew now wasn't the time to tease Kian about his phobia of horses. Instead, he stepped down off the porch and made his way down to the fence to be closer to Shane. He stopped and leaned against the fence, watching his lover glide along on his horse.

Shane spotted Nicky by the edge of the field. He smiled to himself then raised his hand to wave to his lover. Carlton Diva leapt up over one of the obstacles in his way. Shane wasn't quick enough. One minute he was on Carlton Diva, the next he was on his hands and knees in the wet grass. He shook his head and slowly sat up, checking for any broken bones.

"Shane!"  
The brunette looked up in time to see Nicky jumping the fence. He didn't miss the look of pain on the blonde's face as he nudged his injured rib. Just as Shane was regaining his bearings, he felt Nicky's arms encircle him.  
"Shane?" Nicky asked his voice laced with concern. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

Shane stared at Nicky for a brief moment before coming to his senses. He grabbed a hold of Nicky's shirt and pulled the blonde into his personal space. Without missing a beat, he pressed his lips against Nicky's with such force and passion that he didn't care how bruised they got.  
Nicky was taken aback. The last thing he'd expected was a welcome like that. He opened his mouth and tried to protest, partly wanting Shane to know he was mad at him. But Shane slipped his tongue into the older boys’ mouth before Nicky even knew what was happening.   
The older boy wanted to fight it but couldn't. He just couldn't bring himself to pull away from his lover so he returned Shane's kisses with equal passion. Several minutes later, Shane reluctantly pulled away. He placed his hand on Nicky's cheek and blinked back the tears that had started to form in his eyes.

"Nicky" Shane began. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a jerk, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. I'm sorry I lied to you..."  
"Shane" Nicky replied, trying to silence the younger boy. "It's okay"  
"No, Nicky, it's not okay. I should have told you the truth but I was too scared. I wasn't fair to you. You deserve better than that..."  
"Shane-"  
"No... Nicky, I love you. Nothing will ever change that. I will never leave you. I'll be right by your side from now on... No matter how bad things get. I don't care. I don't care what the doctors say. I love you and no matter what happens I'll always be there for you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I can't imagine my life without you in it"

"Shane!" Nicky practically yelled. "I know." Shane paused.  
"You know?" Nicky nodded.  
"I know about the HIV thing. Doctor Evans gave me the all clear a few days ago"  
"She did?" Shane asked. Nicky nodded, smiling at Shane.

The brunette pulled Nicky in for another hug and held him for dear life. He placed a kiss on Nicky's forehead, then on his cheek and another on his lips.  
"Oh Nix, that... that's..." Shane sighed, kissing Nicky once more. "Such a relief"  
"Yeah, I know"   
"I'm sorry Nicky. Please... Can you forgive me?"  
"Its okay" Nicky wrapped his arms around Shane. "I've had some time to think about it. I was mad at you for not telling me the truth and that's why I didn't let Doctor Evans tell you the results... I wanted to see how you'd react. I was scared that you'd leave me if I was sick. So I kept the truth from you too. And I'm sorry too"

Shane tried to hold back a laugh.  
"We're terrible, aren't we?" Shane asked. "Loving each other so much and lying through our teeth. I promise, I'll never lie to you again"  
"And I'll never keep secrets from you again"  
"Deal"  
"Agreed"  
Shane leaned forward and kissed Nicky's lips. He gently stroked his lover's face before climbing to his feet. He helped Nicky up and couldn't resist giving him a quick hug.  
"I'm really glad you're home" Shane whispered in his ear.  
"Me too" Nicky replied. "But I wish we were inside rather than standing in the rain and having a horse watching us kiss"  
Shane laughed. He had to put Carlton Diva back in the stable so he told Nicky to go inside and wait for him. He watched Nicky as he walked back across the yard and disappeared inside the house.

A sigh of relief escaped Shane's lips. That conversation had gone a lot easier than he thought it would. Under other circumstances he knew he'd be mad at Nicky but they had both done the wrong thing. They both knew it and had both admitted to and apologized for it. Shane knew it could have gone a lot worse but he wasn't about to press his luck. He and Nicky had had too many close calls lately. He knew these weren't usual circumstances but he decided there and then to make it up to Nicky the first chance he got.

*-*-*-*-*

Some time later, when Shane entered the Kitchen he found Nicky sitting at the table reading a piece of paper. He walked around behind the blonde and placed his hands on his shoulders.

"Hey, what are you reading?" Shane asked.  
"A letter for you" Nicky replied. "It's from your lawyer"  
"What does he want now?"  
"He wants to finalize the list of character witnesses"  
"Fun"  
"Why didn't you tell me the trial starts next week?"  
"I guess I forgot that you'd forgotten"  
"I'm not on this list" Nicky stated.  
"Court knows nothing about you being attacked... I wanted to keep it that way"  
"Kian and Mark are both going to testify?"  
"Kian, yes... But Mark" Shane sighed. "Mark hasn't signed the papers yet, I think he's too... I don't know. I guess he's not one for talking in public... especially about something like this"  
"I think a part of him still... I don't think he's forgiven himself yet..."  
"What do you mean?"  
"He blamed himself for not being able to help you... For not stopping them from taking you"  
"It wasn't his fault"  
"I know that and you know that... I just don't think Mark's accepted it yet"

Shane looked down at his grass-stained jeans and ran his fingers through his rain-splattered hair. He really hated talking about his trial... It always bought up too many bad memories. He shook his head to clear his mind. He gently kissed Nicky cheek then pulled away.

Kian appeared in the door way, he saw the two lads and decided not to intrude. Shane spotted him and indicated it was okay for him to intervene.  
"Carlton Diva really threw me" Shane told him as he gently rubbed his own shoulder. "I'll gonna hit the bath for a while... I'll be upstairs if you need me"

Kian waited until Shane was out of earshot before berating Nicky.  
"You reconsider yet?" Kian asked.  
"Kian, please! I don't want to talk about this right now" Nicky replied.  
"Then when? As you walk out the door with your bags?"

Nicky just shook his head then he stood up and walked out of the room, without so much as a glance at Kian. He knew he was being unfair to his friend but his mind was made up and nothing was going to change it.


	7. Chapter Six

Nicky walked out of the Kitchen in a huff, he marched up the stairs two at a time and stormed into his bedroom. He paused for a moment. Shane was standing in the middle of the room, beside their bed. He was holding his shirt in his hands and dressed only from the waist down minus his riding boots.

"Nicky?" Shane asked, surprised by Nicky's sudden intrusion. "Are you okay?"

The older boy continued to stare at Shane. He then slowly crossed the room and paused in front of his lover. He reached out and took the shirt from Shane. He dropped it on the floor and wrapped his arms around Shane's waist. The brunette stood frozen in place, taken completely by surprise. He was too afraid to move as he didn't want to scare the blonde.

Nicky held Shane close, brushing his lips against Shane's. He reached up, gently stroking his hand through Shane's short brunette locks. The younger boy returned his lover's kisses, curious to see just how far Nicky was willing to go with this. When he felt Nicky's hands reaching for his zip, Shane tried to pull away.

"Nix?" Shane whispered. "What are you doing?"  
"Being with you" Nicky replied before kissing him again.

Shane reached down and took Nicky's hand in his own. He then, slowly, led the blonde towards their en suite bathroom. He held the door open for his lover, not wanting to force him inside. Shane watched Nicky with curious eyes. For once in his life he couldn't read what was happening behind Nicky's blue eyes. He knew this could go either way, but he was prepared to do whatever Nicky asked of him.

"Don't worry, Shay" Nicky whispered in his ear. "I just want to be close to you"  
"Nix, I know you do" Shane replied. "I... I want to be with you too but-"  
"Shhhh... No 'buts' accept ours in that spa"

Nicky turned his back on Shane and removed his t-shirt. He had been longing for a proper bath or shower since waking up in hospital. Now seemed like as good a time as any for that to become reality. Shane watched in silence as Nicky dropped his shirt on the floor and turned to check the temperature of the water. He couldn't help but wince at the sight of the burns that remained on Nicky's body.

"I've missed you" Shane whispered, coming up behind Nicky and slipping his hands around the older boy's waist. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you"  
"You were there" Nicky replied. "Just not in the way I needed you to be"

Nicky smiled seductively at Shane before kicking off his shoes and socks. He slid out of his jeans and underwear with such ease. Shane couldn't believe that he'd failed to notice just how much weight Nicky had lost. The blonde singer had never been big but now... he looked more like skin and bones. The older boy slid straight under the water and resurfaced. He slid back until his back was resting upon the far wall.

"Come on Shay" Nicky said. "It's only water"

Seeing the look in Nicky's eyes, the pout on his face and the seductiveness in his voice sent a violent shock through Shane's body... Directly south of his waist. Shane bit his lip to suppress a moan and attempt to hide his blushing cheeks. He turned away from Nicky and removed the rest of his clothes. Keeping his back (and Shane Junior) to Nicky, he slid into the spa... Thankful the bubbles were hiding his excitement.

Shane sighed as he relaxed in the warm water. The streaming jets were working wonders on his sore shoulder. Nicky moved forward, sliding around Shane until he was perched behind Shane's back. He dropped his hands under the water then raised them, placing them on Shane's shoulders. He then slowly began to massage Shane's neck and shoulders.

"Remember the first time we did this?" Nicky asked, continuing his movements.  
"Of course I do" Shane replied. "Our two month anniversary. The first time we told each other how we felt"  
"I can't believe we were able to secretly 'date' for two months without Bry, Mark or Ki finding out and without ever saying-"   
"The 'L' word... As we dubbed it"  
"Why were we so reluctant to say it?"  
"I don't know..."  
Nicky's hand slid down Shane's chest, towards his stomach.  
"Okay..." Nicky asked. "Why were you so reluctant to say it?"  
"I was afraid I wouldn't hear it back" Shane admitted.  
"Me too. I was scared you were just going to say you just enjoyed the late night make-out sessions"  
"Well, it's not like either of us were in it for the sex"  
"And now?" Nicky slid his hand down to touch Shane's hardness.

Shane jerked away, turning to face Nicky.  
"Nicky!" Shane exclaimed. "What's gotten into you? This isn't like you..."  
"Shay..." Nicky pouted before averting his eyes. "I'm sorry..."

Shane slowly turned around, taking in the sight of his lover. He reached out, placed his hand under Nicky's chin and forced the blonde to look up at him. The younger boy was saddened to see tears in Nicky's deep blue eyes.  
"Hey..." Shane whispered. "Don't be sorry... I was just surprised is all"  
"Shane" Nicky replied, blinking back the tears. "I'm scared and I... I don't even know why. I... I'm missing a week of my life and no one seems to be able to fill in the blanks for me. I was in the hospital for nearly two weeks but to me... None of it seems real. You're supposed to be in court next week but as far as I'm aware, in my mind... We haven't even celebrated our anniversary yet"  
"Nix"  
"You're saying this isn't me... but it is. It's just not 'post-kidnapped' me... it's 'pre-anniversary' me"  
"I... I don't know what you want me to say" Shane admitted.

Nicky reached out and took Shane's hand in his own. He raised it to his lips and gently kissed his palm. Shane smiled at the blonde as Nicky placed his other hand behind his neck, pulling the younger boy in for a deep kiss.

"Tell me what I missed" Nicky whispered in Shane's ear.  
"Nix..." Shane paused.  
"Our anniversary Shay. We'd planned a huge thing. Was it as good as we planned?"

Shane continued to stare at Nicky. His mind filling with random images. All their friends cheering as Shane slid the engagement ring on Nicky's finger, himself and Nicky eating a romantic breakfast outside, falling asleep with Nicky in his arms and Freddy asleep at the foot of the bed... Bryan running towards him, telling him someone had tried to take Nicky, himself yelling at Kian for not looking out for Nicky...

"Shay?" Nicky asked.  
Shane blinked, clearing his mind. He shifted their position so his back was against the wall and Nicky was in front of him. He slid his arms around Nicky's thin waist, pulling him towards him. Nicky leaned back against Shane's chest, relaxing in the water and enjoying the feel of Shane's breathe on his neck.

"It was perfect" Shane replied. "All the lads were here with Bobby, Jade, Kerry and Molly... We had a fantastic dinner and a huge celebration... Bryan gave us a really nice toast and you gave me a really cute puppy"  
"Freddy!"  
"Yeah... He's taken a liking to Kian though and spends most of his time following Ki around the house"

Nicky smiled. He turned his head, craning his neck to look at his lover. He leaned back and softly kissed Shane's lips. He reached out, took hold of Shane's hands and wrapped them around his own waist. He laid his head back resting against Shane.

"And..." Nicky asked his voice barely louder than a whisper. "Did we... Uh, that night... Did I..."  
Nicky closed his mouth. He was struggling to get the words out but he needed to ask... He needed to know.  
"I had been..." he paused, licking his lips. "Did we make love?"  
"Nix" Shane breathed in Nicky's ear, sending a shiver down Nicky's spine.  
"I had been planning to... give myself to you... that night... Did I?"

"No" Shane replied, averting his eyes. "You didn't"  
"Oh..." Nicky sighed, confused.  
"We didn't but for good reason..." Shane explained. "Tobey and Kane..." Nicky's body tensed at the mention of their names. "They showed up here on our anniversary and they tried to take you. I was in the field at the time and didn't see them. By the time they got you outside, Kian and Bryan were out there and managed to stop them"  
"So..." Nicky said slowly. "So our anniversary *wasn't* perfect"  
"It was, Nix. We had a bit of a scare but we recovered, they didn't get you. They didn't hurt you... It just threw us for a little while. But I promise you, babe, the day was as near to perfect as we could get"

Nicky turned to face Shane.  
"But we didn't make love" Nicky whispered, placing his hand on Shane's cheek.  
"I know" Shane replied, nodding his head. "But we didn't have to. It was still our day and we spent it together. You and I have been together a long time, sex has never ruled our lives and our anniversary was still special... sex or no sex"

Nicky nodded his head. He slid back in the spa, pulling Shane with him. The two lads sat in the middle of the spa, surrounded by bubbles. Nicky leaned forward and slid his hands around Shane's neck; in turn Shane slid his arms around Nicky's waist. The blonde moved forward, pressing his lips against Shane's to distract him. He ran his tongue along the younger boy’s upper lip, then the lower lip before sliding his tongue into Shane's mouth.  
The brunette moaned as Nicky's tongue came into contact with his own. He tried to resist the temptation, not wanting to lose himself completely in the older boy. He wanted to keep his wits but to no avail. He felt Nicky's body pressing against his own and he opened his eyes, his lover was straddling him. Shane Junior was still anxious to come out and play but Shane desperately hoped Nicky wouldn't notice him.

"I love you, Shay" Nicky whispered.  
"And I love you, Nix" Shane replied.

 

As their lips met in yet another kiss, Shane felt something brush against his cock and he gasped in shock. 

"Nicky?" He asked.  
"Shhhh" Nicky replied.

Nicky leaned forward kissing Shane's neck. He gently ran his tongue across Shane's shoulder blade and up his neck. The brunette moaned and bit his lip. Nicky smiled and continued his treatment of Shane's neck. As the younger boy continued to moan, Nicky started to quicken the pace of his hand, stroking his lover's erection under the water. He could feel Shane's hardness pulsating in his hand and he stroked the tool with a confidence he wasn't sure he really had. Shane could feel his orgasm fast approaching.

"Nix" Shane groaned.  
"Come for me, babe" Nicky whispered.  
"Almost there"

\------

The bathroom door flew open. Kian stood in the doorway, the phone in one hand, a pile of towels in the other and his face was flushed the deepest shade of red.  
"I..." Kian stammered. "I thought you... you were in the main bathroom.... sorry... here are... sorry... towels... sorry"

Kian dropped the towels on the floor and closed the door. He couldn't leave the room fast enough. He was down the stairs and in his own bedroom before he'd even realized he was clear of their bedroom.

"Kian?" the voice on the phone called. "Kian? Are you there?"  
"God, Jade please kill me" Kian managed to gasp.  
"What happened? You went dead quiet"  
"I'm coming over as soon as I hang up the phone"  
"Thank you, I wouldn't normally ask but I'm worried about him..."  
"No, I just have to get out of here! NOW!"  
"What? Why?"  
"I... I was just... just putting laundry away... I thought Shane was in the upstairs bathroom so I just walked into the en-suite and-"  
"You walked in on Shane in the shower?" Kian could hear her trying not to laugh into the phone.  
"NO, worse! I walked in on Shane AND Nicky having sex in their spa!"


	8. Chapter Seven

The sudden interruption had caused the two lads to separate. Neither one was willing to look at the other, their moment ruined. The older of the two sighed and was the first to start laughing. Several tense seconds passed before the brunette joined in. Their laughter echoed through the quiet room, breaking the tension.  
"Poor Ki" Nicky giggled.  
"Well, at least we know he'll always knock from now on" Shane laughed.  
"Maybe we should've locked the door?"  
"Was a little pre-occupied to remember something like that"  
"Not so little" Nicky said under his breathe.

Shane leaned back in the water, resting his back against the wall. He reached out and pulled Nicky towards him. The older boy reclaimed his earlier position, lying with his back against Shane's chest and Shane's arms around his waist.

"Shane?" Nicky asked.  
"Yeah Nix?" Shane replied, nuzzling his face against Nicky's neck.  
"When we were outside, you said you'd never lie to me and that you'd never leave me"  
"And I meant it"  
"So... When are you going to tell me what happened during my missing week?"  
Nicky felt Shane's body tense at his question. Shane took a deep breath and swallowed hard, composing himself.  
"What, exactly, do you want to know?"  
"Everything"

*****

Jade opened the front door and couldn't suppress a laugh. Kian's face was still beet-red. She placed her hand over her mouth and ushered him inside.  
"You look like a tomato" She greeted him.  
"I don't want to talk about it" Kian replied, walking into her and Mark's apartment.  
"That bad, huh?"  
"I thought we were here to talk about Mark?"  
"We are... Just don't change the subject yet"  
"Jade! That has got to be one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Please, don't make fun"  
"Oh please, you live with two gay men... I'm surprised it's taken you this long to walk in on them doing it... Were they *actually* doing it?"  
"I wasn't looking..."   
"Yeah, Right"  
"Please believe me when I say I don't wish to discuss the sex lives of my room-mates"  
"Nobody *wants* to discuss it, they just do"  
"Jade!"  
"Ki, the first time I walked in on Mark was traumatic but only 'cause he was doing my ex-boyfriend... You just get used to it. Eventually, you just stop turning the lights on. Do you want something to drink?"

Jade turned and led Kian into the Kitchen.  
"I need a beer" Kian admitted. She handed him one and sat down at the Kitchen table with one for herself. "Thanks"

"So, you called me to talk about Mark" Kian began. "Is something wrong with him?"  
"To be honest, I'm surprised none of you have noticed" Jade admitted.  
"Well, incase you haven't noticed... Nicky was just kidnapped and has only just come home from the hospital. He has no memory of said kidnapping or of his engagement to Shane. And Shane has been mentally torturing himself trying to decide what he should and shouldn't tell Nicky to help him get those memories back"  
"I'm not stupid Kian. I know Shane & Nicky have fallen on bad times but so has Mark. That's why I called you, I know you're busy trying to help the others but I just don't know what to do for him. I don't know how to help him"  
"Well... What's wrong with him?"  
"I... I don't know"  
"Okay... So you call me out of the blue, saying you need me to help Mark but you don't know what's wrong with him"  
"He's not himself lately"  
"Who is?"  
"Think about it, Kian. How many times did he visit Nicky in the hospital?"

Kian fell silent, thinking back over the past two weeks. He had spent quite a bit of time at the hospital himself and knew that Nicky was rarely alone during his stay. Shane had spent most of his time with Nicky and Bryan had stopped by almost every second day. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he had no memory of Mark being at the hospital after Nicky had been admitted.

"He was there when Nicky was bought in" Kian spoke up. "So were you"  
"Yes, that's true" Jade replied. "But after that"  
"I don't know... I can't remember"  
"And answer me this... Has he signed the papers?"  
"Papers?"  
"Has he agreed to testify?"  
"No, he hasn't"  
"Do you know why?"  
"No... Do you?"  
"He's acting weird, Kian. He's never here; he goes out at weird hours of the night. The phone rings at bizarre times but when I answer it, there's no one there. He's hiding something from me and its weirding me out. I used to be able to read him like a book, and now he's like a crossword puzzle without the hints"  
"Are you sure you're not just reading too much into this?"  
"Maybe I am... But even you have to admit that it's weird he didn't go and see Nicky"  
"Well, that I'll admit is weird but honestly... What do you want me to do about it?"

*****

"Shane?" Nicky asked, breaking the silence. "Just so you know, you haven't actually started talking yet"  
"I know, babe" Shane replied, kissing Nicky's neck. "I'm just trying to decide where to start"  
"My mam said we told her and my dad about us"  
"That we did"  
"Well, how did they take it?"  
"Yvonne was okay with it... But your father" Shane sighed, "he was a little hesitant about it. We basically told him that we loved each other and were in it for the long haul"  
"Why did we tell them? I mean, I know that your mam knows about us but what made us tell my parents?"  
"They came over for dinner one night, Adam came too of course, and Jade accidentally let it slip. It wasn't her fault; she didn't do it intentionally or anything. Like I said, your mam was pretty okay with it... I talked to her on the phone a few days later and she said she already knew, that my mam had told her but she was waiting for us to come to her before telling your father"  
"Were you the one who called her and told her I'd been... taken?"  
"Yes" Shane sighed. "And believe me that was one of the hardest phone calls I've ever had to make. I swear I could hear the disappointment in her voice... Like I'd let you down, I wasn't able to protect you, to stop them taking you"  
"Shay, my mam would never think something like that"  
"Maybe not"

"So?" Nicky asked, turning around and facing Shane. "What are you not telling me?"  
"Not telling you?" Shane asked, attempting to sound ignorant.  
Nicky smiled and leaned in, gently kissing Shane's lips.  
"I can see right through you" Nicky continued. "You're keeping something from me"  
"So what if I am?" Shane joked, sliding his arms around Nicky's waist. "What exactly are you going to do about it?"  
"Oh, I don't know..." Nicky whispered, kissing his way down Shane's neck. "I suppose I have ways of making you talk... Or should I say squirm?"  
"Nix"

RING! RING!  
Shane pushed Nicky aside, climbed out of the spa and wrapped a towel around his waist. He picked up his cell phone and saw his lawyer's name flash across the screen.  
"It's my lawyer" he told Nicky. "I have to take this"  
He disappeared into the bedroom and pulled the door closed behind him.

Nicky knew the moment had well and truly passed. First Kian interrupts them then Shane's lawyer. He sighed and reluctantly climbed out of the water. He picked up one of the towels Kian had dropped and wrapped it around his waist. He opened the door to the bedroom, intending to eavesdrop on Shane's side of the conversation but was surprised to find the bedroom empty.  
He quickly dried himself and opened a drawer to find some clean clothes. He pulled out a clean pair of jeans and his favorite shirt and got dressed. He then decided to pick out some clean clothes for Shane to put on. The blonde singer crossed the room and opened the top drawer, looking through Shane's clothes. As he sifted through the clothes in the drawer, his hand found a small solid box. He reached in and picked it up. Underneath the box was an envelope. He opened the box and was shocked the find a beautiful gold ring. Listening carefully, incase Shane was on his way back, he opened the envelope and pulled out a few photo's.  
The top photo was of himself and Molly. The next one of himself with Shane & Molly. He couldn't remember when these were taken. He decided to wait for Shane to return and ask him about them.

The next photo made him gasp. Shane was down on one knee, holding a box... The same box Nicky was now holding in his own hand... And he was looking up at Nicky with such love and compassion.  
Nicky's eyes instantly filled with tears. Shane was proposing to him! There was no other explanation for it. Nicky flicked to the next photo. Shane was sliding the ring on Nicky's finger. The next photo, they were kissing like there was no tomorrow.  
The shocked blonde heard footsteps on the stairs. He slipped the photos back into the envelope, closed the box and tossed the envelope and box back inside the draw. He then pushed the draw closed and stepped back just as Shane appeared in the doorway.

"Damn lawyers" Shane laughed. "I'll be relieved when this whole thing is over"  
"Yeah" Nicky replied. "Me too"  
"Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine"  
"Good... So, how about I get dressed and I'll meet you downstairs for some lunch?"  
"Yeah... Okay"  
"Are you sure you're all right, Nix?"  
"Shay, what did we just say about lying to each other?"  
"Right... I'll meet you downstairs"

Nicky turned and walked out of the room, pulling the door closed behind him. He paused and placed his hand on the door. His eyes immediately re-filled with tears. Shane had proposed to him... Nicky assumed it had been on their anniversary. He reached up and wiped his eyes, he didn't want Shane to know he'd been crying. But he couldn't believe Shane had kept this from him. They had agreed to stop keeping secrets and to stop lying to each other yet Shane had still chosen to keep this from him.

The blonde knew the time had come.  
Perhaps Kian hadn't been able to understand where Nicky was coming from earlier but surely he'd understand now. Nicky shook his head and blinked back more tears. How can I stay here with someone who does nothing but lie to me? Nicky asked himself.

As much as he hated to do it, he knew what he had to do... By tonight, he'd be gone from this house and from Shane.


	9. Chapter Eight

The front door opened then slammed shut. Jade and Kian both fell silent as Mark appeared in the doorway. The brunette paused, taking in the sight of his two friends.  
"What are you doing here?" Mark greeted Kian.  
"Hey Mark" Kian replied. "Just thought I'd stop by... Haven't seen or heard from you for a while is all"  
"So?"  
"Mark, don't be rude" Jade hissed.  
"Shouldn't you be in class?" Mark responded.

Jade looked at her watch and cursed.  
"Damn, he's right" She said. "See you later"  
She rushed to the door, silently whispering 'Good Luck' to Kian as she rushed past. She grabbed her bag and was out the door in a flash. Mark watched her go before walking to the refrigerator and grabbing himself a Red Bull.

"So, is everything okay?" Kian spoke up, he couldn't ever remember there being this much tension between himself and Mark.  
"Sure... Why wouldn't it be?" Mark replied.  
"No reason..." Kian replied before deciding to change the subject. "So, Shane's trial starts next week"  
"God, is that why you're here? Did Shane send you over here to try and talk me into testifying?"  
"No, he didn't. Mark, please... Something is definitely wrong here. Why don't you tell me what it is?"  
"I don't have to explain myself to you; you're not the boss of me"

Mark then turned his back on Kian and stormed out of the room. Several seconds later, he heard the bedroom door slam shut. Kian sighed. He was getting sick of his friends storming off on him. First Nicky and now Mark. Well, he'd let Nicky go without a fight, he wasn't about to do the same with Mark. He stood up and walked down the hall to Mark's room. He reached out and lightly knocked on the door.

"Mark?" He called, slowly opening the door.  
"Leave me alone, Ki" Mark flatly replied.  
"I'm sorry. We've been friends for years, Mark. You're one of my best friends and I have been totally oblivious"  
"You've had a lot to deal with. Don't let me keep you from your babysitting duties"

Kian stepped out of the doorway and walked into Mark's room. Mark was lying on his stomach on the bed with his back to Kian. He walked across the room and sat down on the foot of the bed.

"We've all been preoccupied..." Kian began. "Shane and Nicky have been worrying about each other, I've been distracted by their problems, Bryan's been trying to help too but he's got Kerry and Molly to worry about too. I hate that you felt you couldn't come to me when you needed help"  
Kian reached out and placed his hand on Mark's shoulder. He gently tugged on his friend's shoulder, urging him to turn around and face him. When Mark finally gave in, Kian's heart sank. The younger boy was fighting back tears. Without another thought, Kian leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Mark, hugging him tightly.

"I screwed up, Ki" Mark whispered. "And I can't fix it"  
"Its okay, Marky" Kian replied. "I'll help you. Whatever's wrong... I'll help you fix it. We'll find a way"  
"There is no way... Everything that's happened it's all my fault. I could have stopped it but I didn't. And it's going to come out and you'll all hate me for it"  
"Shhhh... Just calm down. No one's going to hate you, Mark. We're your friends. We love you. And we're here for you, no matter what you think you've done"  
"But I lied to you for so long... I don't want to admit it now but if it comes out later, it'll make things worse"  
"Mark, please! Just tell me what's wrong and we'll work through it. I promise!"

"Kian! Stop being so understanding!"  
Mark snapped and pulled away from Kian. He stood up and backed across the room, putting as much space between himself and Kian as he possibly could.  
"Mark! What did you do?" Kian asked.

Mark dropped to the floor, burying his face in his hands, his voice barely louder than a whisper.  
"I helped plan Shane's kidnapping" 

*****

Nicky reached the top of the stairs and heard Shane's cell phone ringing again. He took a deep breath but kept walking. He went down the stairs and into the Kitchen but stopped in the doorway. Shane wouldn't be far behind him so he decided to make some coffee. Just as the kettle boiled, Shane appeared in the doorway. He was pulling his jacket on and toying with the keys to his BMW.

"Nix?" Shane began his voice soft from nerves. "Babe, I have to go into town. Ryan needs to go over some papers and wants to run through some of the questions they're going to ask me"  
"How long will you be?" Nicky asked, not looking at the younger boy.  
"An hour or two, I guess. But I promise I'll make it up to you. We'll do something special tonight. Okay?"  
"Sure... I'll just see you whenever you get back"  
"I'm really sorry. I'd normally just tell him I can't make it but with it being so soon and all..."  
"I get it, okay. Just go, Shane"

Shane put his cell phone in his pocket and walked over to Nicky. He wrapped his arms around the older boy and kissed his lips.  
"I'll try to be as quick as possible" Shane insisted.  
"Take your time..." Nicky replied. "I might go for a drive or something while you're gone"  
"I love you"  
"Me too"

Shane reluctantly pulled away from Nicky and made his way to the front door. Nicky followed him to the door then turned into the Living room. He walked over to the window and watched as Shane's car disappeared down the drive. With a sinking heart, Nicky left his spot by the window and went upstairs. He opened the hall closet and located his suitcase. He took the suitcase and placed it on the bed then he slowly began to remove his belongings from the drawers.

*****

Kian heard Mark's words and laughed.  
"Haha" Kian laughed. "Very funny, Mark. Now why don't you tell me what's really bothering you?"  
"He wasn't supposed to get hurt" Mark whispered. He kept his head low and refused to meet Kian's eyes. "I didn't know about the letters and threats"

Kian was still sitting on Mark's bed. He slowly slid off the mattress and onto the floor, sitting opposite Mark. He felt very uneasy but didn't take his eyes off his upset friend. A feeling in the pit of his stomach was telling him that this was some sort of stupid joke that Mark was trying to play. But he'd known Mark most of his life and honestly believed Mark's unease was genuine.

"Mark?" Kian asked. "What are you trying to say?"  
"I could have stopped it..." Mark sobbed. "Could have warned him but I didn't want to. I just wanted him out of the way for awhile..."  
"Marky..."  
"Don't call me that!"  
"Mark, you're not making any sense. Shane's one of your best friends. You wouldn't do something like that"

Kian moved his foot, trying to make himself more comfortable on the floor. His shoe hit a box sticking out from under Mark's bed. He reached out to push the box back under the bed and knocked the lid off. The top-most item in the box was a framed photo of Mark and Nicky. Kian also recognized several other items in the box, things that had belonged to Nicky... Including one of his crosses.

"Mark?" Kian asked, trying to sound understanding rather than judgmental. "Are you in love with Nicky?"

Mark looked up and saw what Kian was looking at. He quickly snatched the photo from Kian, threw it back in the box and pushed the box back under the bed.

"I was" Mark admitted. "And... Maybe a part of me still is. But I didn't realize how I felt about him until it was too late"  
"Too late?" Kian questioned.  
"I'd lost him to Shane"

"Look, I'm sorry but I'm not buying this" Kian admitted. "I realize that you and I have drifted apart lately but how could we have drifted this far? I'm not ready to believe that you sold Shane out just so you could move in on Nicky... I mean, honestly Mark... You're dating Jade. Aren't you?"

"I went out with Jade to ease my guilt..." Mark began. "But she turned out to be a fantastic girl and we really hit it off. We became instant friends. I love Jade, she's a good friend. She's easy to talk to and she totally gets me. She didn't even flinch when I told her I was gay"  
"This doesn't make any sense to me... Why didn't you tell us instead of pretending to be dating her?"  
"I never said I was dating her"  
"You're living with her! The two of you are always together. You always have your arm around her or you're holding her hand"  
"It's not a crime to be affectionate with your friends"  
"You don't hold my hand. You don't sit in my lap after we have a group dinner"  
"They weren't supposed to hurt him!"

"Mark, I'm not saying I don't believe you... I'm just having a hard time understanding this. Why don't you tell me exactly what you know?"

 

"I knew there was something between Shane & Nicky. We could all see it, hell even our fans could see it, and I was all for it. Shane's one of my best friends and Nicky's... well, Nicky's great. Really great. And I knew I was falling for him. I decided to tell him how I felt. One night, he invited me to his room to watch a movie but Shane was there too. I decided to get Nicky on his own afterwards, but halfway through, my cell rang and I left the room to answer it. When I went back in, I saw Shane on top of Nicky and they were kissing... I was devastated, Ki. But I told them I was happy for them and took off first chance I got. I went to a bar, got drunk and met this guy. I went back to his hotel with him and he told me he knew who I was. He recognized me, he knew I was 'from that band with that hot guy'... The hot guy being Shane. I was so mad; I'd managed to lose another guy to Shane! In my drunken state, I poured the whole truth out to him. That I hated Shane because he had Nicky and I wanted Nicky. The guy lightened up and we started joking around. He asked if I'd make a move on Nicky if Shane wasn't around... He suggested that if Shane were to go missing, Nicky'd probably be so distraught that he'd turn to just about anyone for comfort. I liked the sound of that and so we started to plan a kidnapping. One where Alex, the guy, and one of his friends would take Shane and keep him for a couple of days... Just long enough for me to get some alone time with Nicky..."

"Oh Mark" Kian moved closer to his friend and slipped his arm around Mark's shoulder.  
"I didn't know he was serious... He told me to call him when we got to his hometown. I assumed he meant to hook up. Because after we'd planned this 'joke' kidnap thing, we ended up in bed and my god... he was hot! When we got to his hometown a few weeks later, I called him. I went to meet him and it was just as hot as the last time. The next day, Shane & I went out shopping and he was taken"

"Mark that was probably just a coincidence.... Besides, you didn't try anything with Nicky. You didn't go anywhere near him"  
"I felt too guilty especially when I saw those letters Shane had been getting. I knew if anything happened to Shane, it'd be my fault"  
"Your fault"  
"Kian, Alex was one of the men arrested at Christian's house. He knows I was in on it"  
"So, why hasn't he said anything yet?"  
"He's threatening to tell everyone I was involved"  
"Well... Mark, there's only one thing I can think to do right now"  
"What's that?"  
"You have to tell Shane what you just told me"


	10. Chapter Nine

Shane was quietly singing to himself as he climbed out of the car. He'd been held up with his lawyer for nearly three hours but was home now. He liked his lawyer, Ryan, and he had a good rapport with him. The singer was confident this case was going to go well. He had been mad at Ryan for calling him and making him go into his office. Nicky had only just come home and Shane had wanted to spend the day with him. However, things hadn't gone according to plan.

The brunette cast a glance into the garage and was happy to see both Nicky's car and Kian's car missing. He knew Kian had taken off somewhere earlier and quite frankly he couldn't blame him. That had been one embarrassing encounter but Shane felt fairly confident that he wouldn't be seeing Kian for the rest of the day.

Shane walked into the Kitchen and gave the room a once over. During his meeting with Ryan, he'd had a lot of time to think and he'd come up with the perfect way of making everything right with Nicky. His lover had been asking questions and Shane understood why. He knew if the situation had been reversed, he'd be asking questions too. He walked over to the phone, picked it up and dialed a particular number.

"Hello?" A female voice answered the phone.  
"Kerry" Shane began. "It's Shane. I was wondering would you be able to get Bryan to watch Molly for a little while? I need your help with something"  
"Sure Shane... What is it?"  
"Something very important. Just on a very tight schedule. I need you here as soon as possible"

\-----

Less than ten minutes later, Shane heard the doorbell. He raced through the house and threw the front door open. He pulled Kerry inside and closed and locked the front door.

"I've left a voicemail message for Kian, telling him to come home as late as possible" Shane began. "I've decorated the Dining Room but I need your help with dinner"  
"You still haven't told me what this is all about"  
"I've screwed up big time. When Nicky needed me, I pulled away. When he asked me some harsh truths, I lied through my teeth. When it was time for him to come home from the hospital, I sent Kian in my place. Now I promised myself I would make it up to him and that's what I intend to do tonight"  
"How?"

****

"You want me to tell Shane?" Mark began. "Are you insane?"  
"No, wouldn't you prefer to be the one to tell him?" Kian responded. "Or would you rather some criminal rats you out on the stand? Can you imagine what that would do to Shane? Finding out in court that one of his best friends did that to him?"  
"I... I didn't mean for it to happen"  
"I know, Mark... But you have to tell Shane that"  
"But, he'll hate me. It was hard enough telling you but telling him? And... And when Nicky finds out..."  
"Mark, you obviously told me for a reason. You could have kept this to yourself but you chose to speak up. You trusted me and I'm still here for you. I'm sure this will come as a shock to both Shane and Nicky but I'm sure they'll agree with me. It was all just coincidence. This Alex guy has nothing on you. You didn't take any money, he has no proof of ever talking to you and you never went anywhere near Nicky"  
"Not everyone is as understanding as you Ki"  
"I know... But I'll be right there with you the whole time... The sooner you get this out there, the better"

****

Kerry stayed long enough to help Shane prepare an elegant dinner. She helped set the Dining room table for two and located the candles which had been thrown in the back of one of the closets. Shane checked his watch and nervously started to pace around the Kitchen.  
"It'll be okay" Kerry assured him.  
"He should be back by now" Shane stated.  
"He probably went to Gina's. I'm sure he'll be home any minute"  
"Yeah, I'm sure you're right"  
"I should be getting home. I don't need to be here when Nicky arrives. I don't want to ruin the romantic mood you've set"  
"Kerry-"  
"Have you decided what you're going to say yet?"  
"The usual I've been a jerk, a moron and an idiot speech. Then I bring out the wine and make a toast to us. Once we drink to us, I'm going to tell him that we came out to his parents because we'd made the ultimate gesture of our love... One that he can't remember making. Then I'll get down on my knee and I'll pull the ring from my pocket. Then ask him, again, to marry me"  
"Stop" Kerry sighed. "You're making me teary"

"Good luck" Kerry said. She kissed his cheek and gave him a quick hug. "Call me tomorrow and tell me how it goes?"  
"I will" Shane said. "I promise"

Shane walked her to the front door. Once Kerry had left, he made his way upstairs hoping to shower before Nicky returned. He went into the main bathroom and showered in record time. He dried off and walked into their spare room. Shane opted for the closet in this room as this was where they kept their best clothes. He pulled out a nice pair of jeans and a plain white shirt then pulled out a black jacket. He decided he wanted to look good but in a more casual way. He wondered if the jacket was a little too much but he wanted Nicky to know how much effort he had put in to making things right again.

He walked out of the spare room and along the hall to their bedroom. He opened the door and entered the room. He crossed over to his drawer and opened the top one. He reached in and searched for the ring box. He found it buried underneath his favorite shirt. Shane opened the box and made sure the ring was safe and secure. He sighed with relief before closing the box and slipping it into his jacket pocket.

Shane turned around and paused. Something on the bed caught his eye. It was an envelope. He walked over to the bed and sat down. A noise from beside the bed made him jump. He looked over and saw Freddy looking up at him. He picked up the small dog and placed him on the bed then picked up the envelope. It had his name written on it in Nicky's handwriting. He opened it and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He opened the page and started to read.

"My Shane,  
This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. I know I'm taking the cowardly way out by writing this down rather than saying it to your face. But I know that if I was looking into your deep, brown eyes then these words would never be able to come from my lips. I'm leaving... I've packed my bag and walked away. I know that you thought you were doing the right thing. That you were trying to protect me. But protecting me and lying to me aren't the same thing.  
I love you with all my heart Shane. But I don't know if I trust you. How can I trust you when you've done nothing but lie to me (ever since I woke up in hospital)? I asked you about our anniversary and you held back important information.  
What else are you lying to me about? Is your love for me real or is that just another of your lies?  
Please, believe me when I say that I don't want this to be the end for us. I love you Shane and I hope and pray that you love me too.  
Yes, I've packed up and left but it's not forever. I've decided to go to my parent’s house. You have a trial to prepare for and you don't need me and my amnesia distracting you.  
Please, don't try to contact me until after your court appearances are over. Because then, and only then, once your nightmare has well and truly ended perhaps then you will have time to help me to remember mine.  
I promise you that I will never stop loving you and while we may be apart right now; my heart will always be with you.  
Always yours,  
Nicky"

Shane crumbled the piece of paper in his hands. He stood on shaking legs and walked over to the closet. He opened it and sank to the ground at the sight of all Nicky's clothes being gone.

"No" Shane gasped. "Please, Nicky! I need you!"

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the box with Nicky's engagement ring. He dropped the box on the floor and crawled over to the bed. He pulled himself up onto the mattress, buried his face in his pillow and cried himself to sleep.


	11. Chapter Ten

Yvonne picked up the plate of food and glass of water. She then made her way through her house to her son's bedroom and paused outside the closed door.  
Earlier this afternoon, she had been sitting in the Living room reading a book, when a knock at the door had interrupted her. When she got up and opened the door, she had been shocked to find her eldest son standing on the front step. With his suitcase in one hand and tears in his eyes, her heart had ached. Nicky had collapsed in his mothers arms and stated that he had left Shane. Then he had retreated to his childhood room without another word.  
That had been nearly two hours ago. Yvonne had since decided that she had given him enough time to calm down and was going to talk to him.

She knocked on the door before opening it. When she entered the room, she found Nicky sitting on the floor beside the bed and he was holding a photo in his hand. He looked up at her but didn't say anything. Instead he turned his attention back to the framed photo.

"Are you hungry?" Yvonne asked, placing the plate and glass down on his desk. Nicky shook his head.

She crossed the room and sat down on the bed, looking down at her son and the photo he was holding. It was, of course, a photograph of Nicky with Shane. Yvonne recognized it as being from Nicky's 21st birthday. Nicky and Shane had only been friends back then but they had been best friends. She'd never admitted it out loud but even back then... there had been a special bond between her son and the young Sligo boy.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Yvonne asked, gently stroking her hand across the top of Nicky's head.  
"I don't know where to start" Nicky choked out.  
"Wherever you want" she encouraged him.  
He set the photo down on the ground and turned to face his mother.

"When I was in the hospital, I thought about coming home to you and dad for awhile" Nicky admitted. "Just while Shane was in court. I know he needs to focus on this trial and I didn't want to be a distraction to him"  
"That makes sense" Yvonne tried to encourage him. "But are you sure that was a good idea? Your father and I would love to have you home but shouldn't you be with Shane right now? He's going to need you and your support during all this"  
"I... I know and when I got home, I considered staying with him. We were okay for a little while... It was like nothing had happened. Like nothing had changed. It was just me and Shane. The way it should be. Was meant to be"  
"Didn't you only come home this morning?"  
"Yes"  
"Well, one day isn't really much time-"  
"It was long enough for Shane to start lying to me... And after he'd promised me he wouldn't"  
"Oh, Nicky. Honey"  
"Shane said you were disappointed in him... For him not being able to protect me"  
"Nicky, No. I never said that. I would never say such a thing... When Kian called and told me you were missing, I... We, we never held Shane responsible. We know that he would have done anything and everything he could to protect you. We could never blame Shane for you being... taken. Sometimes... things just happen that are out of your control"  
"Kian called you? He was the one who told you?"  
"Yes. I'll admit that I was upset that Shane didn't call us himself. We didn't hear from him until after you were in the Hospital... But Kian called us almost everyday"

Nicky burst into tears and hugged his mother. He had asked Shane if he had been the one to call his parents and Shane had said yes. But Kian had actually been the one to call. Had anything Shane told him been true?  
"Mam?" Nicky asked. "Did you know Shane proposed to me?"  
"Yes" She replied. "That's how your father found out about you and Shane. Your friend Jade mentioned it when we were at your house one night. Needless to say, your father was quite surprised"  
"Was he... was he okay with it?"  
"He was a little shocked... But once he heard Shane state how much he loves and cares about you, he started to accept it"  
"And you? You were okay?"  
"Nicky... we adore Shane. He's already practically a member of the family... All of your friends in the band are practically family now"  
"But that was when we all got along like brothers... I don't exactly see Shane as a brother anymore"  
"Nicky, I already knew about your relationship with Shane. When the two of you revealed your engagement to us, I pretended not to know. It wasn't that hard, the engagement did come as a shock to me. But for the sake of your father, I pretended not to know about the two of you"  
"But... How did you find out about us?"  
"Mae told me. We were having coffee on our usual shopping day. And... I looked at her and said 'there's something going on between our sons, isn't there?' and she just smiled and said yes"  
"And you were okay with it?" Nicky asked again.  
"Yes. Shane's a fine young man. It's easy to see why you love him so much. Your father and I accepted you were gay a long time ago. And I knew that one day you'd bring a man home, to tell us he's the one you want to be with. And, honestly, I'm glad that man was Shane"  
"Really?"  
"Yes, really. And... I'll have you know... that Mae said practically the same thing about you"  
"She did?"  
"Yes. You and Shane are good together... I'd hate to see something ruin it"

Nicky fell silent, digesting his mother's words. Him and Shane *were* good together. But a lot had happened to change all that.   
"Something ruin it?" Nicky asked. "Like lying"  
"Lying?" Yvonne asked her upset son.  
"Shane. He... He said he called you. I asked him if he called you and told you I was missing. I asked him and he looked me in the eye and said yes. So, again, he lied to me"  
"Maybe he didn't want to upset you. Maybe he thought you'd be upset if you thought that he wasn't brave enough to call us himself?"  
"See mam? All he's done since I came home... Is lie to me"  
"Perhaps he thought he had a good reason for it?"  
"What possible reason is there for lying to someone you love? Or claim to love?"  
"I wish I knew what to say to you" Yvonne replied honestly.  
"I want to hate him, mam" Nicky admitted.  
"Oh Nicky, no-"  
"I want to hate him... But I can't. I love him too much to hate him"

****

Shane awoke with a start. He sat up on the bed and looked around the room, searching for what had woken him. Freddy was barking at the closed door, wanting out. The brunette climbed off the bed and opened the door, letting Freddy out. He glanced at the clock and noted that he'd been asleep for just under an hour. He shook his head and turned around. Nicky's letter was crumbled on the floor beside the bed. Shane picked it up and re-read it once more. He held it in both hands, preparing to tear it in half but he stopped. He scrunched it up again and tossed it back on the ground.

The young singer then followed Freddy from the room. He made his way down the stairs and wandered into the Study. On the desk was an open file relating to his court appearance. He walked straight past the desk and paused at the liquor cabinet. After failing to locate the key to the locked cabinet, Shane picked up the iron poker from beside the fireplace and used it to smash the glass case. He dropped the poker on the floor and reached inside for the unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He pulled the bottle from the cabinet, opened it... dropping the lid on the floor, and took a massive swig. He groaned in disgust. He wasn't a fan of scotch but could feel it having an instant effect on him. He walked out of the Study, taking the scotch with him, and made his way back up to his bedroom.

When he reached the doorway, he paused and stared at the empty bed. He sighed as he remembered his blissful night with his lover. He could still feel Nicky's lips on his. He remembered Nicky sitting in his lap, could feel his lips kissing his chest. Shane placed the bottle to his lips and downed another mouthful. As he continued to stare at the bed, he could see Nicky's body... Nicky's beautiful, naked body on display for him and only him. The look in Nicky's lust-filled eyes as Shane came deep inside him. This last image was like a dagger piercing Shane's heart and caused tears to spring to his eyes.

Shane sank to the floor, not wanting to be near the bed after remembering his love-making there with Nicky. He tightened his grip on the bottle, his hand shaking like mad. Deep inside his heart, he feared Nicky wouldn't come back to him. He couldn't bear the thought of not being with Nicky anymore. He hated to think that he'd never hold the blonde in his arms again. He tore his gaze away from the bed and found himself staring into their en suite bathroom. Nicky's behavior in the spa earlier that day had come as a shock to Shane but he hated to think it would be the last time they shared a bath too.

"Nix" Shane whispered, before taking another mouthful of scotch. "Please come home to me!"


	12. Chapter Eleven

Kian stifled a yawn and rubbed his eyes. He was sitting on the couch in Mark's Living room, Mark was lying on the floor with a notebook open on the floor in front of him. He had a pen in his hand and was aimlessly drawing patterns on the page. Kian was holding a piece of paper in his hand, torn from the notebook Mark was drawing in. He had read the notes twice and was skimming them for a third time.  
"Do you think I missed anything?" Mark asked, breaking the silence.  
"I dunno it seems to all be there" Kian admitted. "But you are planning on talking to him right? You're not just going to throw this paper at him and run"  
"I'm not?"  
"Mark!"  
"I know I'm sorry. It's just that... Telling you was one thing but telling Shane... And Nicky. I don't know how I'm going to do it"  
Kian sighed.  
"Well, it's too late to do anything about it tonight. I'm gonna go home. Just, try to get some sleep tonight and if possible, think about what exactly you're going to say. I'll drive around tomorrow and pick you up... Then we'll go back home and I'll be right there with you when you tell them, okay?"

Kian stood up and put his jacket on. Mark climbed to his feet and slowly followed Kian to the front door. The older boy opened the door and stepped out into the hall.  
"I'll come get you around one, okay?" Kian asked. Mark nodded.

"Ki" Mark began. Kian stopped before turning back to face his friend. "Answer me honestly... Do you think they'll forgive me?"  
"I really don't know" Kian replied.  
"But... You... You've forgiven me, right?"  
"This isn't about me, Mark. My forgiveness doesn't really matter right now"

Kian smiled and once again turned to leave.  
"It matters to me" Mark confessed.  
Kian stopped and, once again, turned back to face Mark. He walked back to the door and wrapped his arms around Mark. The younger boy didn't react. His friends’ arms felt alien to him. Before pulling away, Kian whispered in the brunette's ear  
"For what it's worth... I forgive you"

****

'Filan will appear in court on Monday before Westlife launch a national UK Tour next month'  
Kian turned off the news and slipped a CD into the player. He was really started to get annoyed. With Shane's upcoming court appearance being headline news everyday, he was really starting to feel for Shane. Kian, himself, was prepared to get on the stand and testify on Shane's behalf but he knew he didn't have much to say. He couldn't imagine how hard it would be for Shane. His best friend has to get on the stand and tell a roomful of people what was done to him. Kian wondered if he were in Shane's position, would he be able to do such a thing.

His earlier conversation with Mark was still haunting him. He honestly couldn't understand why Mark would do something like that. He'd known Mark for most of his life, had been friends with Mark and Shane for years. He'd always thought the friendship between Mark and Shane was solid. It pained Kian to think how far apart he and Mark had grown.

'How did I not see this coming?' Kian wondered. 'It doesn't make any sense. Mark's not like that. He'd never do something to hurt one of his friends...'  
'But Shane wasn't supposed to get hurt' Kian's thought's continued. 'Maybe Mark *was* tricked. He was jealous and he just let that jealous control him for a few minutes. And Shane got hurt... Not Mark's fault! Right?'

****

When Kian finally pulled his car into the drive, the first thing he noticed was Nicky's car. Or lack thereof. At the sight of the missing car, Kian's heart began to pound.  
"No!" Kian gasped. "Not now!"

He stopped the car, pocketed the keys, unlocked the front door and was in the Living room before he even realized what he was doing. The house was dark. He could see light coming from the Kitchen so he followed it. He reached the doorway and could see smoke coming from the oven. He pulled the burnt food from the oven and tossed it into the sink.

"Shane?" Kian called.  
He turned and could see into the Dining room. The table was set for two and a romantic dinner. Two candles had burnt out, leaving two small patches of wax on the table.  
"Shane?" Kian called again.

Kian then made his way towards the stairs. He reached the hall and saw Freddy sitting in the doorway to the Study. His instincts were telling him to go upstairs but something else was urging him to see what Freddy was staring at. He turned and walked to the Study. The floor was covered in a fine layer of glass. He looked up at the smashed liquor cabinet and cursed when he noticed the bottle of Jack Daniel's was missing.  
He picked Freddy up, not wanting the puppy to hurt himself on the broken glass. He pulled the door closed then ran up the stairs. He reached the landing and continued running until he reached Shane & Nicky's bedroom. The door was open and the room was dark.  
Kian turned the light on and paused. Shane was lying on the floor, his back resting against the closet door. His eyes were closed and the bottle of Jack Daniel's was nearly empty in Shane's closed hand. He stepped into the room, placed Freddy down on the bed and walked over to Shane. Kneeling on the floor, Kian removed the bottle from Shane's hand. Something in the older boy's other hand caught Kian's eye. He reached out and took the item from his sleeping friend.

The blonde flattened the piece of paper and read it. By the time he reached the last line, tears had formed in his eyes. He quickly blinked them back. Pushing aside the fact that Nicky had left Shane via a note, Kian took a deep breath and started to rouse Shane from his drunken stupor.

"Shane?" Kian softly called, gently shaking the brunette. "Shane? Wake up"

The older boy began to stir but kept his eyes closed. Kian shook him once more and tried to pull him to his feet. With some difficulty, he managed to pull Shane over to the bed and lay him down.  
"Shane?" Kian whispered. "Come on, buddy. Wake up"  
"Nicky?" Shane slurred, opening his eyes.  
"Shane?"  
"Oh, it's... you"  
"Yeah, it's me"  
"Where.... Nicky?"  
"He's not here. You wait here, I'll be back"

Kian left the room; he went downstairs and grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator. He ran back up the stairs and back into Shane's room. His heart sank as he saw Shane reaching for what was left of the scotch.

"Shane?" Kian said, firmly. "Don't"  
"He's gone, Ki" Shane muttered.  
"He'll be back"   
"Will he?"  
"Drink this" Kian insisted, holding the water out to Shane.   
The brunette shook his head.  
"Come on, Shane"  
"No!"  
"Shane!"

Shane grabbed the bottle from Kian and tossed it across the room.

"Shane!" Kian shouted, grabbing the brunette and pinning him to the bed. "I know this is hard for you. Yes, Nicky's gone... For now. But he'll be back. But you drinking yourself stupid isn't going to bring him back any sooner"  
"Don't tell me what to do" Shane muttered.  
"I'm trying to help you. If you want to spend the next two days being hung-over, fine! I don't care. But if you listen to me, and let me help you sober up then tomorrow you'll be able to go and win Nicky back. It's your decision. Major hangover or your boyfriend. When you've decided, let me know!"

Kian climbed off the bed and made his way over to the door. He purposely walked slow, giving Shane time to comprehend his words.  
"Kian?" Shane asked. "I want him back... Want him here with me"  
"I know you do" Kian replied.

He turned back to face Shane.  
"Drink that" Kian nodded to the bottle Shane had thrown. "Then sleep it off. We'll talk about this more in the morning"  
"I'm sorry. I just wanted it to stop"  
"Wanted what to stop?"  
"The pain... Pain of Nicky leaving me. You know, he couldn't even tell me to my face... He... He just left me a note"  
"Sorry, Shane"  
"And... And I was going to make things all better. Was going to win his trust back... It was going to be special... We were going to be together... I was gonna tell him. Tell him everything, anything... Whatever he wanted to know. No more lies. Was going to prove my love to him..."

Shane burst into tears. Kian quickly covered the space between himself and his upset friend. He set down on the bed beside Shane and hugged him.

"Was going to propose again, Ki" Shane confessed. "Wanted him to know how much I need him... And instead, he left me"  
"I'm sorry, Shane"  
"I need him, Ki. Can't live without him"  
"He'll be back, Shane"  
"I love him... I need him... Don't wanna be without him"


	13. Chapter Twelve

It had been a long night. Nicky rolled over and looked at the clock. 7.18am. He picked up his cell phone and looked at the screen. No missed calls and no messages received. With a sinking heart, Nicky put the phone down. He climbed out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans and a football jersey. He picked up a soccer ball and left his room.  
The blonde paused in the Kitchen long enough to check the answering machine. No messages. He bit his lip and blinked, stopping any tears from forming. He tightened his hold on his soccer ball and walked out into the backyard.

His younger brother, Adam, was already outside, dribbling a basketball. Nicky watched him in silence. It'd been a while since he'd spent any quality time with his brother and he was now starting to feel a little guilty.  
"You wanna play?" Adam asked him.  
"Basketball isn't really my game" Nicky replied.  
"Okay... I'll switch"  
Adam tossed the basketball aside and reached out for the soccer ball. Nicky dropped it and kicked it to his brother. For the next ten minutes, the two brothers enjoyed an impromptu soccer game.

"Morning boys" Yvonne called from the back porch.  
"Morning" Adam & Nicky replied in unison.  
"Your father's cooking breakfast"  
"Great!" Adam cheered.  
"Should be ready in about ten minutes"

"Did he... Did Shane call?" Nicky asked his mother.  
"I don't think so... But I haven't checked the machine" She replied.  
"I have..."  
Yvonne cast a sad smile at her oldest son before disappearing back inside the house.

Adam went to kick the ball to his older brother but stopped, holding the ball under his foot.  
"Did you and Shane break up?" Adam asked his brother.  
"No" Nicky replied. "We both just have a lot to deal with right now. So, I thought it was best to leave for a while"  
"Are you still engaged?"  
"I don't know"  
"Why not?"  
"Well, you remember that night you, mam and dad all came over for dinner... When you all found out about me and Shane?"  
"Yeah. What about it?"  
"I don't remember it. I have this kind of amnesia and I lost weeks' memories... So I don't actually remember telling mum and dad about our engagement. And... I don't have any memory of Shane proposing to me"  
"Oh... I'm sorry Nicky"  
"The Doctors say the memories should come back... Eventually"  
"So you and Shane'll be okay?"  
"Why are you so interested?"  
"Well... Because no one's asked me what I think. I keep hearing mam and dad talking about it and I heard mam on the phone with Mrs. Filan. Everyone was always asking everyone else what they thought but no one ever thought to ask me"  
"I'm sorry... I never thought you'd have a problem with it"  
"I don't... Have a problem with it. I like Shane, he's cool. And maybe I'm still too young to get the whole 'gay' thing... But you're my brother and I get you. You love him... I can see it even now, you're thinking about him and your whole face is lit up"  
"So... You're okay with it?"  
"Of course, Shane's gonna make an awesome brother... Like you already are"  
"Thanks Adam"

Adam kicked the ball to Nicky.  
"It's 5-4 to me... We'll finish this after breakfast" Adam said.  
"You bet we will" Nicky replied.

****

Kian put the milk back in the refrigerator and closed it. He stirred the milk and sugar into Shane's coffee then picked the mug up. He turned around and cursed as Freddy danced around his feet.  
"Come on!" Kian hissed. "You used to hate me, now I can't get rid of you"  
The puppy simply barked at him.  
"Okay" Kian continued. "Let's go upstairs"

He made his way up the stairs, Freddy following close behind, and stopped outside Shane's bedroom. He reached out and opened the door. When he entered the room, Shane was still asleep. The younger boy approached his sleeping friend, waving the coffee in front of him. At the smell of the coffee, Shane began to stir.

"Ki?" Shane muttered.  
"Morning" Kian replied. "Coffee"  
"Thanks" Shane sat up, took the mug from Kian and slowly began to sip it. "What time is it?"  
"Almost 10... How are you feeling?”  
"Okay... My head hurts a little. Thanks for the water last night... Otherwise I'd probably feel like shit right now"  
"No worries"  
"I'm sorry I smashed the glass in the Study... I didn't know where the key was"  
"Yeah, that was a stupid thing to do... But if I was in your position, I probably would have done the same"  
"I can't believe he didn't even say goodbye... He just left a note"  
"I'd be pretty mad too"  
"That's just it... I'm not mad. Just hurt"

"I... Uh... I saw the note..." Kian confessed.  
"You read it?" Shane asked.  
"Yeah"  
"Well... I probably would have showed it to you anyway"  
"I really believe he'll be back. He's going through a lot right now"  
"And I'm not?"  
"That's not what I meant. He knows you've got a lot to deal with too. He probably just wants to give you some space so you can focus on going to court on Monday"  
"It's not that easy, Ki. Going to court is the last thing on my mind right now. I need to make things right with Nicky first... Because… Right now, I don't give a shit about anything but him. And I'm going to get him back. To hell with everything else"  
"Shane-"  
"I'm not gonna give up. I screwed up. I know I screwed up but I'm going to make it up to him. I'm going to find a way to make everything okay again. No matter what it takes.... Even if I have to crawl on my hands and knees, begging for his forgiveness... It'll be worth it. He's worth it"

****

RING! RING!  
"Hello?" Mark answered the phone.  
"It's me" Kian replied.  
"Kian... It's only 11 O'clock. You said you wouldn't come over till 1"  
"Yeah... About that, something’s come up"  
"I don't have to tell him?"  
"No, you do... It's just that, Nicky left and Shane's going through hell right now. And I don't think now is a good time to drop this on him"  
"Nicky left him?"  
"Just temporarily... He'll be back"  
"What happened?"  
"He packed his bags and went to his parents... Left a note for Shane"  
"Is Shane okay?"  
"He's on his way over to see him. Nicky told him not to contact him until his whole court thing is over but-"  
"But Shane won't let Nicky go..."  
"Exactly... Listen, just sit tight. We'll wait this out; see how it goes and what mood Shane's in when he gets home... If he's okay, I'll call you and we'll go from there. Okay?"  
"Okay"  
"I know you're scared, Mark... But it'll all be okay once it's all out in the open"  
"I hope you're right, Ki"  
"Me too"

****

KNOCK! KNOCK!  
Yvonne opened the front door and smiled. Shane was standing on the front porch. He was dressed in his best jeans and a freshly ironed shirt. His hair was styled just the way Nicky liked it and he was holding a bunch of long-stemmed red roses.

"Hi Mrs.-" Shane greeted her, nervously. "Yvonne"  
"Well, aren't you a sight" Yvonne greeted him.

She stepped aside and ushered him into the house. She could see how nervous the young singer was and had to hold back a laugh. He was like a schoolboy picking up his date for the first time. Being careful not to ruin the beautiful roses, she pulled him into a hug.

"Nicky's upstairs" she told him. "Why don't you go outside? Up to the gazebo... I'll send Nicky out in a minute"  
He nodded and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.  
"Thank you" he whispered.

****

 

Yvonne opened the door to Nicky's room.  
"Adam's still waiting to finish your game from this morning" Yvonne told him. "He's waiting outside for you"

Nicky climbed off his bed and made his way outside. He opened the back door and walked out into the backyard. Adam was no where in sight but he could see someone up in the gazebo. He crossed the yard and slowly approached his destination.

\-----

Shane stood up as Nicky approached. He saw the look on Nicky's face, a mixture of happiness and shock. He noticed that the blonde had slowed in his approach. Shane held his breath, hoping Nicky wouldn't turn away from him.

Nicky reached the gazebo and paused inside the entrance. Shane was standing before him, an image of perfection from his clothes to his hair. Nicky knew his lover had put a lot of effort into coming here to see him.

"Shay" Nicky began.  
"Shhhh" Shane whispered, holding out a bunch of long-stemmed, red roses.

The older boy smiled and took the roses from Shane. The younger boy leaned forward and gently kissed Nicky's lips. The blonde returned the gesture but only briefly, as Shane quickly pulled away. The brunette took a hold of the blonde's other hand, holding it gently but firmly.

Shane stared deeply into Nicky's blue eyes... He could see tears beginning to form but he wasn't going to let them spill, not yet. Without breaking eye-contact, Shane dropped to one knee. He reached into his pocket and retrieved the box holding Nicky's engagement ring. He opened the box and held the ring out to his lover.

"Nicky Byrne" Shane began, tears forming in his own eyes, "Will you marry me?"


	14. Chapter Thirteen

After sending Nicky outside, Yvonne walked back into the Living room. Her husband was sitting in an armchair, reading the newspaper. She made her way over to the couch and picked up her book, smiling to herself the entire time.  
"Who was at the door?" Nicky Senior asked, not looking up from his paper.  
"Shane" she replied, still smiling to herself.  
"Nicky's Shane?" he asked, now looking up at her.  
"Of course"  
"I thought you said that Nicky told him not to contact him"  
"He did..."  
"Well, did you tell him Nicky doesn't want to see him?"  
"No"  
"Well, I'm sure you sent him away?"  
"Of course not! The poor lad was so nervous but he looked so handsome and he had bought roses for Nicky"  
"Yvonne... If Nicky told him not to come here and he came anyway, doesn't that mean Shane doesn't respect Nicky's decisions?"  
"No. It means that Shane loves our son and that clearly he's here to make things right again"

"Adam!" Yvonne called to her youngest son. "Give them some privacy, honey"  
Adam was standing at the window, peering out into the backyard. He could see his brother and Shane standing under the gazebo. Adam gasped.  
"Mam!" Adam replied. "I think Shane's proposing again!"  
"What?"

Adam was knocked aside as both his mother and father raced to his side at the window. He pushed back in between his parents and continued to look into the yard. Shane and Nicky were standing under the gazebo. Nicky was holding the roses in his hand, Shane had a hold of Nicky's other hand. And the brunette was down on one knee, holding something out to the blonde with his other hand.

"See?" Yvonne said to her husband, tears forming in her eyes. "If that’s not proof enough how much he loves our son... Then I guess there's just no pleasing you"

****

"Nicky?" Shane asked, his voice choked by his tears. "Please say something. I think I'm getting a cramp in my leg"  
"Wow" Nicky said, tears in his own eyes, "a cramp. You're so romantic Shay"

"I know I screwed up, Nix" Shane continued. "I kept things from you and I lied to you. I hurt you and I am so, so sorry. I love you, Nicky. I can't imagine my life without you... I don't want to. I need you, so badly that it scares me sometimes. And I know I'm not supposed to be here... That you said not to contact you because you need some space and time. I understand and I respect that. But I'm gonna be selfish for yet another minute... Because I need to know that you're going to come home to me... If you don't love me anymore-"  
"Shay, No" Nicky said. "I never said that. Don't ever think that I don't love you"

Nicky tightened his grip on Shane's hand and pulled the younger boy to his feet. He led him over to the bench and indicated for him to sit down. As Shane sat, Nicky placed his roses on the table behind them.  
"Ah" Nicky gasped in pain, retracting his hand from the roses and closing his fist.  
"What? What's wrong?" Shane asked.  
"I think it was a thorn"  
"Let me see... Please?"

Shane held his hand out to Nicky. The older boy slowly opened his hand. On his index finger was a small puncture wound. A small trickle of blood was spilling from the tiny wound. Shane closed his hand over Nicky's palm and slowly raised their hands to his face.  
Without looking at Nicky, Shane closed his lips over the wound. Nicky could feel Shane's tongue massaging the small cut. Several seconds passed before Shane removed Nicky's finger from his mouth. He gently kissed the fingertip then lowered their hands again.

"Better?" Shane whispered. Nicky nodded. "Trust me to give you a gift that injuries you"  
"No, they're beautiful Shane" Nicky replied.

Nicky placed his other hand on Shane's cheek and used his thumb to wipe a stray tear from his lover's cheek. The blonde leaned forward and captured Shane's lips with his own. The couple exchanged a long, tender, loving kiss before Nicky pulled away.

"I do love you Shay" Nicky began. "I always have and... I can't imagine my life without you either. I... I'm sorry for leaving like I did"  
"Why did you? Why did you leave me?"  
"I found that" Nicky nodded at the ring, "And the photos in your drawer. I couldn't believe you'd kept it from me. That you wouldn't want me to know we were engaged. Even my parents knew... I was upset by the amount of lies you'd told me... After you promised you wouldn't. You looked me in the eye and promised. Then, you looked me in the eye and lied. I had no idea you were able to lie to me so easily"  
"No, Nicky... Up until now, I'd never been able to lie to you. I hate telling lies... It's cruel and mean. But I thought I was doing what was best for you... And for me"  
"For you?"

Shane took a deep breath and looked sympathetically at the older boy.  
"When Dr. Handlin told me you didn't remember your kidnapping, a part of me was happy about it..." Shane confessed. "Well, not happy, no not happy, relieved. I can remember what they did to me. Every single little thing that was done to me, I can remember and I hate it. So, I thought it would be better for you if you couldn't remember. I was afraid that if I started telling you stuff, it'd help those memories return and a part of me didn't want you to have to remember that stuff"  
"But you kept our engagement from me"  
"I know and it hurt like hell... I loved knowing you were my fiancé. I loved looking at you and knowing I was going to marry you. And knowing that you didn't remember it was awful. Kian kept telling me to tell you but I couldn't. I'm sorry... I just, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to help you get those memories back. I thought you were better off not remembering"  
"That's... That's very... God, I don't know what to say. A part of me can understand that. I remember what Tobey and Kane did to me before and the thought of knowing what they did this time, it scares me... But I wish I could remember our anniversary. I wish I could remember what you looked like when I gave Freddy to you. I wish I could remember you proposing to me... And, somewhere inside me, a part of me does want to know what was done to me but until then... I'd like for you to tell me what else you've kept from me"

"I can do that" Shane said, nodding his head. "But I want you to hold this"  
He picked up the ring and placed it in the palm of Nicky's hand.  
"I'd ask you to put it on... But you still haven't given me an answer"  
"But you know-"  
"And I don't want you to answer until you hear what I have to say. I'd hate for you to put it on only to have to take it off again"   
"But I-"  
"No. No 'buts'. I'm going to talk and you're going to listen. You may ask questions and you may interrupt to kiss me whenever you want" Nicky smiled and laughed. "But you may not put the ring on until you've heard me out and you've forgiven me"  
"Then you'd better start now... Because your lips look very inviting"  
"And so do yours" Shane smiled.

Shane closed his hand around Nicky's and kissed the back of it. He then continued to hold his lover's hand as he began to talk.

****

"What are they doing now?" Yvonne asked Adam.

His parents had retreated from the window and were both sitting on the couch. Yvonne was fighting the urge to return to the window. She didn't like spying on her son but she was curious to know how things were going. She really hoped the two lads would work out their problems.

"They're sitting down" Adam replied. "But it doesn't look like Nicky put the ring on"  
"That doesn't mean anything, Adam. They just need some time"

"And some privacy" Nicky Senior spoke up. "Come on, away from the window"  
"Honey" Yvonne began.  
"No, they'll come in when they're ready"  
"Hmmmm, sounds like you've had a change of heart"  
"Well, where else are we going to find someone who loves our son that much?"  
Yvonne smiled and kissed her husband. Then she stood up and ushered her other son away from the window. Once Adam had left the room, no doubt only to go upstairs and look out his own bedroom window, Yvonne started to nervously pace around the room.

"Yvonne" her husband reached out and took her hand. "You said so yourself, they belong together. They'll be okay"  
"I know..." she replied "You're right. Everything will be okay... They love each other. There's no denying that"  
"No, there isn't"


	15. Chapter Fourteen

"What I told you about our anniversary was the truth" Shane began. "I promise you that. I'll admit I held back a few details. You didn't actually see me when I was given Freddy. Kian had gone to pick him up and you were alone in the house... That was when Tobey and Kane tried to take you. They came into the house and grabbed you. By the time they got outside, Kian was back and Bryan was just arriving with the girls. They scared them off. Bryan came out to find me... I ran to you and... I was so scared and mad at everything. I went nuts at Ki. I yelled at him for leaving you alone in the house. I went off at him, demanding to know what was so important that he'd just go off and leave you. You got pissed off at me and stormed inside. Before I could go after you, Kian stopped me and handed Freddy to me"  
"I went off at you?"  
"You were still shaken up. I followed you inside and we talked. I calmed you down and we both started thinking rationally again... Then we were both able to re-join the party. And all was good... But I was starting to re-think my proposal. I was scared of putting you in danger. Tobey and Kane had come to house to scare us, they wanted me to drop the case and have their friends released... You probably said I'd never do that so they tried to take you, probably as leverage. I didn't want that to happen again and I thought if we were engaged, it would put you in more danger... Kian managed to talk me down though"  
"Remind me to thank him"  
"Nicky..."  
"Sorry, please continue"  
"During dinner, Bryan made a beautiful toast to us then... He and Kerry asked us if we'd like to be Molly's Godparents"

"They did?" Nicky gasped. "Oh my God! Wow"  
"Of course we said yes... You were so happy and excited. And I knew that was the perfect moment. I ran upstairs and grabbed the ring... Raced back down to the Dining room, stopping to put 'our song' on of course... Then I proposed. Down on one knee, in front of everyone, on our anniversary. You said yes, I put the ring on your finger and we kissed" tears were spilling down Shane's cheeks at these words. "It was one of the best moments of my life... That was when Jade took the photos that you found. It really was beautiful"

Nicky was twirling the ring around in his fingers. Staring intently at it but not really seeing it. Shane knew the blonde was trying to remember. He could see it in his eyes, Nicky was trying so hard.

"It gets... better" Shane continued, placing his hand on Nicky's cheek. "I'm sorry for keeping this from you too but... We made love"  
"We did?" Nicky asked, tears still in his eyes. Shane watched as one trickled down Nicky's cheek. He nodded.  
"You asked me if we did on our anniversary and I said no... Because we did it a few nights later. We talked about it first, I said that I was ready and you said you were still a little scared... Hell, I was too. But we agreed that it would happen when the time was right... Then, that same night... You gave yourself to me. We made love and it was another perfect moment of my life. I... I'd never felt so loved and trusted in my life-"

Shane broke off as tears flowed down his cheeks. He pulled away from Nicky, burying his face in his hands.  
"Shay?" Nicky said, comfortingly. "Shay, it's okay"  
"I hate that you can't remember" Shane cried. "That those bastards took that moment from you, from us. When I look at you, I remember that night and how special it was... And knowing that you can't remember-"  
"Shay"

Without saying another word, Nicky wrapped his arms around Shane and held the trembling brunette in a tight embrace. He kissed Shane's forehead and continued to hold him, afraid to let go.  
"I really wish I could remember, Shay" Nicky whispered, blinking back his own tears. This really was hard for him to hear, he couldn't imagine how hard it was for Shane to actually have to say it.

"The next day, you're parents called" Shane continued, composing himself. "And they came around for dinner. All the lads were there too along with Jade and Bobby... I already told you the basic story here... Jade noticed you weren't wearing your ring. She asked where it was and so we had to tell your parents. But it all turned out okay. But a package arrived that night; I didn't open it until everyone had gone home though. It was a video cassette. It was a copy of the video they'd shot of them... raping you"  
"I... I thought they were all destroyed?"  
"Tobey & Kane obviously still had a copy... I ran to the Study and started to read through all those files. I found out that Tobey and Kane didn't get caught. I knew that meant they were still out there and that they were the ones who'd broken into our house and tried to take you... We hadn't known it was them the time of the first attempt"  
"Oh"  
"So I knew they were still out there and I had to tell you. It was so hard to break it to you. I told you the next morning, you took it as well as I thought you would. I stayed with you, held you until you cried yourself to sleep. When I went back downstairs... That was when all hell broke lose"

"Kian and I were in the Kitchen" Shane continued. "A voice cut through the room. They were in the doorway, dressed all in black and one was holding a gun. The other had a knife. They were armed, so we did what they asked... Kane tied Kian and me up then took us into the Living room. I told them to kill us but they said they didn't want to. Tobey said that he wanted to make me suffer" Shane's voice began to tremble as he choked on his words. "He wanted to make me watch while he... he... hurt you. I wanted to kill him but they gagged us. Kane stayed with us while Tobey went upstairs to get you"  
"I'd never felt so helpless in my life. Tobey dragged you into the room and Kane removed my gag. I begged him not to hurt you. I said I'd do whatever they wanted as long as they didn't hurt you. He told me I had to drop all the charges against his friends... You told me not to do it. So Tobey threatened to rape you right there in front of me. I was terrified; I didn't know what to do. He had you pinned to the floor and was on top of you, and he kissed you. But you were brave and you bit him. Then something outside distracted them, a car had pulled up. So they knocked you out and took off, taking you with them"

"And the car?"  
"Jade... Looking for her cell phone. She untied us and I ran outside to try and save you. But I didn't make it. They were gone. You were gone. We called the garda, they came, we talked, they couldn't do anything. I walked around like a zombie for nearly two days. Everyone kept checking on me and trying to make sure I was okay but I was lost without you, Nix. Not knowing where you were or what they were doing to you. I was scared for you. But hope came; you had your cell phone on you... And you called me left me a voicemail message saying you were okay..."  
"Why didn't I call that garda?"  
"I don't know... Maybe you didn't have long or since you didn't know where you were... I really don't know, Nix"  
"I probably just wanted to hear your voice..."  
"So someone threw a rock through our window. Kian, Mark & I went outside to see who had thrown it and I saw the van that they had driven off with you in, disappear down the street. Mark found an envelope on the step which I was afraid to open... So Bobby opened it. We called Jim and gave it to him-"  
"What was it?"  
"Photo's"  
"Of me?"

Shane nodded. He reached into his jacket and retrieved a similar envelope. The outside was marked 'Copy' and ‘Private & Confidential'.  
"He took the real ones for evidence" Shane admitted. "But he gave me copies. I didn't ask for them. I haven't even looked at them myself. I don't know if you want..."

He trailed off and placed the sealed envelope on the table next to the roses. Nicky stared at the envelope in silence. Shane could see the hesitation and the determination in Nicky's eyes. His lover wanted to look but was scared. He didn't blame him, Shane felt the same way. The blonde reached out and picked up the envelope. He held it in his trembling hand and stared at it intently.

"I want to" Nicky confessed. "But I don't want to. It could answer a few questions..."  
"It could scare you" Shane replied.  
"I'm already scared... Will you look with me, please?"  
"I... Uh... I don't-"  
"Please?"

Shane reluctantly nodded. Nicky slowly turned the envelope over and slid his finger under the flap. He opened it but didn't remove the contents. The brunette closed his hand over Nicky's and rested his chin on the blonde's shoulder. Nicky reached into the envelope and retrieved the photographs.  
Shane took in the first image before looking away. At the sight of the first photograph, he decided he'd seen more than enough. His lover was naked and lay on his stomach on top of a table. His attackers face was hidden in shadow but he was shoving something into Nicky's anus. Nicky's face was screaming out in tortured pain.

Shane looked at Nicky's face. The older boy was looking through the photographs. Shane watched as the expression on Nicky's face changed with each image he looked at.  
"Oh God!" Nicky exclaimed once he'd found his voice.  
He dropped the photographs onto the ground, broke away from Shane and stood up. He walked over to the side of the gazebo and sank to the ground. He buried his face in his hands and cried.

"Nicky" Shane called. He picked up the photographs. His stomach churned as he saw the last one and he dropped them onto the table. The brunette stood up and made his way over to Nicky. He slid to the ground beside his lover and reached out to comfort him. But the older boy flinched away.

"No, Shay" Nicky sobbed. "Don't touch me"  
"I have to" Shane replied.  
He wrapped his arms around Nicky and pulled the older boy into his lap.  
"It was bad" Nicky mumbled. "It must have hurt so much"  
"They made me listen to one of them..."  
"What?"  
"It was the next day, the day after I got those photos. They found your cell phone and they called me. I got to hear your voice... You sounded so scared. I hated not being able to help you. He started doing something to you... I don't know what it was but I heard you scream. It sounded like he really hurt you. You were in pain and I couldn't stop it. But I knew I had to do something. So I packed my bag, got in my car and I went looking for you"  
"You tried to find me?"  
"I did find you. Took me a few days, but I did it. I called Jim and waited for help to arrive but Tobey had gone crazy by then. He set fire to the place. I got into a fist fight with him. The garda showed up just as the place went up in flames but I went in after you and, with some help from the fire department, I managed to get you out. They put you in an ambulance and took you to the hospital. I didn't see you again until after you woke up with no memories of it ever happening"

"You came looking for me?" Nicky asked, tears still in his eyes.  
"Yes" Shane replied.  
"You found me?"  
"Yes"  
"Oh Shay... I love you so much"  
"I love you too Nix"

Nicky looked into Shane's eyes then averted his gaze. He looked down at the ring in his hand and held it out to Shane.  
"Can I put this on now?" Nicky asked.  
"Only if you want to" Shane replied.  
"Believe me, I want to"

Shane took the ring from Nicky and slid it onto his finger. He kissed Nicky's lips then wrapped his arms around the blonde.  
"I love you" they said in unison.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

A few minutes later, after picking up the photographs and the roses, Nicky & Shane made their way back into the house. Yvonne was in the Kitchen, preparing lunch. She smiled as the two boys entered the room.  
"Is everything alright?" she asked, hopefully.

Nicky smiled at Shane then nodded. He held up his hand, which was intertwined with Shane's and showed his mother the engagement ring he was now wearing.  
"Oh, I'm so happy for both of you" she replied.  
Nicky's mother crossed the room and hugged her son. Then she pulled away and hugged Shane too.  
"Would you like to join us for lunch, Shane?" she asked.  
"I, uh... I should probably go..." Shane admitted.  
"Stay," Nicky whispered. "Please?"  
"Sure, thank you Yvonne"

She smiled at him then reached out to take the roses from her son.  
"I'll put these in some water" she said. "Nicky, could you go upstairs and tell Adam lunch is ready?"  
"Sure"

Nicky separated himself from Shane and headed towards the stairs.  
"Is there anything I can do to help?" he heard Shane ask his mother.  
"Shane, sweetheart... You've done more than enough already" Yvonne smiled.

*****

When Nicky reached the landing, he walked past his brother's room and straight into his own. He closed the door behind him and retrieved the envelope from his pocket. With a deep breath, he opened it and pulled the photos out. The blonde walked over to his bed and laid the photos on the duvet in front of him. His hands shook as he picked up each image and looked at it.

"Nicky?" Adam knocked on the door and opened it.  
Nicky quickly bunched the photographs together, hiding them from his younger brother.  
"I'm sorry" Adam said, realizing he'd disturbed his brother.  
"No, it's fine"  
"I was just wondering... Are you and Shane okay now?"  
"Yeah, we are"  
"What took so long? You were outside forever!"

"Come here" Nicky invited his brother over. Adam walked over to the bed and sat down beside Nicky.  
"Remember how I told you I was missing a week’s memories?" Adam nodded. "Well, I wanted to try and get those memories back but Shane wasn't willing to share them with me"  
"Why not?"  
"I don't really know how much mam and dad have told you... About Shane's kidnapping last year or about mine. But what happened to Shane was bad"  
"He was... He was raped, wasn't he?"  
"Yeah, he was. A few times actually"  
"I heard mam and dad talking about it once. They didn't know I was listening"  
"Well, we know that what happened to Shane... That was done to me too. But I don't remember any of it. Of course, the Doctor said it should all come back to me. Shane was worried about me. He doesn't like being able to remember what happened to him and he believed I was better off not remembering"  
"But that's not up to him, right?"  
"Right... But I think he did it out of concern for me"  
"And love?"  
"Yes. He was scared that if he started to tell me everything I'd forgotten that the bad memories would come back too. And he didn't want me to have to go through all that"  
"But everything is okay now?"  
"Yes, it is. In fact, Shane's joining us for lunch"  
"YES!"  
"He's downstairs. I was on my way up to get you"  
"Great" Adam jumped up and made for the door. "You coming?"  
"I'll be there in a minute"

Adam nodded then ran out the door. Nicky waited until he heard his brother's footsteps on the stairs before reaching for the photos again. The first time he'd seen them, he'd felt sick... But looking at them now, Nicky felt indecisive. He was finding it hard to comprehend that the person in the photos was him. Try as he might, he just couldn't remember that happening to him. His eyes filled with tears as the taste of semen filled Nicky's mouth.  
The blonde leapt to his feet and ran to the bathroom. He threw up not once, but twice then sat down on the bathroom floor. His eyes still brimming with tears and his entire body shaking in fear.

*****

"Shane!" Adam exclaimed as he entered the Kitchen.  
"Hey Adam" Shane replied, hugging the younger boy. "You alright?"  
"Yeah, I'm cool"  
"Awesome, how's school?"  
"It's okay... For school"

The two boys made their way into the Dining room where Yvonne was serving up lunch. Nicky's father entered the room and sat down at the table; he nodded to Shane but didn't say anything.  
"Where's Nicky gone?" Yvonne asked, noticing one of her sons was missing. "He was just supposed to call you down, Adam"  
"He was in his room" Adam shrugged. "He was looking at some photos that he wouldn't let me see"  
"I'll go find him" Shane offered.

Reminding himself not to hurry as he didn't want to worry Nicky's parents, Shane made his way up the stairs. He paused when he reached the landing. He could hear Nicky. His sobs were coming from the bathroom. The brunette walked down the hall to the bathroom and paused inside the doorway. Nicky was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest and shaking from head to toe.  
Shane was at Nicky's side in an instant. He wrapped his arms around him and held him as tight as he dared. The older boy was shaking like Shane had never seen him before.

"Nix" Shane whispered. "I'm here"  
"Shay?" Nicky cried. "I... I remember something"  
"Shhhh... It's okay"  
"It was a vibrator!"  
"Nicky..."  
"It was pink," Nicky spat.

Shane sat on the tiled floor beside Nicky. He kept his arms firmly around the older boy and gently began to rock him in his arms. He kissed the top of Nicky's head then softly and reassuringly started to stroke Nicky's back.

"Is that... Do you remember anything else?" Shane asked. Nicky shook his head.  
"No, I... I don't think so" Nicky replied.  
"I'm sorry, Nix. I shouldn't have brought them with me"  
"No. I needed to know. I had to see them"  
"I should have waited, given you some time..."

"Nicky? Shane?" Yvonne called. "Your lunch is getting cold!"

"You okay to go downstairs?" Shane asked.  
"Yeah" Nicky nodded.

Shane pulled the blonde to his feet. Nicky walked over to the sink and rinsed his mouth then washed his face. The younger boy watched him, not saying a word. Nicky saw Shane in the mirror and turned to face him.

"Its okay, Shay" Nicky said, reaching out and taking Shane's hand. "I didn't have to look at them. And I'm glad you brought them with you. Because it means you weren't going to hold anything back from me. You told me the truth and for that..."  
"I don't wanna lose you again" Shane confessed. Nicky nodded.  
"You won't"

Shane couldn't help it. He leaned forward and grabbed the blonde. The older boy wrapped his arms around his lover as Shane's lips found his. The brunette slid his arms around Nicky's thin waist as Nicky's arms wrapped around his neck.

"I said..." Yvonne appeared in the doorway. "Your lunch is...."  
Her voice trailed off as she saw the two boys in the bathroom. She smiled and took a step back, giving them a moment. She counted to thirty before checking on them. They were both still, very much, engrossed in each other.

Without another word, she turned on her heel and walked back downstairs. She entered the Dining room and sat down at the table.  
"They'll be down in a minute" she told her husband and son.

A few minutes later, they appeared in the doorway.   
"Sorry" Nicky said, taking a seat beside Shane.  
"It's fine" Yvonne said. "I hope it didn't get too cold"  
"It'll be fine" Shane said, picking up his fork.

“If I may?" Nicky's father spoke up, picking up his glass.  
Yvonne, Adam, Nicky & Shane all picked up their glasses. Shane cast a nervous glance at Nicky, who simply smiled at him.

"Shane, I may not have said much when I found out about your relationship with Nicky. But you've both been through so much and it makes me proud to see how you're willing to stand by him. I'll admit I was uneasy that you came here today... Especially after Nicky told you not to. I felt that meant you didn't respect him but I was proven wrong. From your actions today, I've come to realize just how much you do love him. Yvonne and I have known for some time now that Nicky is gay and, secretly, I think I was wishing it wasn't true... I was scared that I wouldn't be able to accept a gay son but when I see the two of you together... I... I couldn't imagine Nicky being happy with anyone else"   
"That was beautiful, honey" Yvonne spoke up.  
"Thanks dad" Nicky added.  
"I... I don't know what to say" Shane was speechless, truly honored by Nicky Senior's words. "Thank you Mr. B- Dad"

Nicky's parents exchanged a smile as Shane pulled Nicky into a hug.  
"Love you" Shane whispered in Nicky's ear.

"Dad!" Adam exclaimed. "You rock!"


	17. Chapter Sixteen

"That was wonderful, Yvonne" Shane said as he placed his fork on the table. Adam and Yvonne had already finished eating; Nicky and his father were almost done.  
"Thank you, Shane" Yvonne replied.

"Shane?" Adam asked. "Do you wanna go outside and shoot some hoops?"  
"I'd like that, Adam" Shane replied. "But I really should head home. I don't mean to eat and run but I have a lot to do. There's so much stuff you have to know before you walk into that court room..."  
"Well, we'll be there for you" Yvonne spoke up.  
"Can I go too?" Adam asked.  
"You have school Adam" Nicky Senior replied.  
"But-"  
"No, you have School"  
"Fine!"

Shane stood up and picked up his plate. Yvonne stood up and stopped him.  
"I was just helping" Shane stated.  
"No, it's fine. Adam can do that" Yvonne said.  
"Mam!" Adam exclaimed.  
"I'll walk you to your car" Nicky said to Shane, changing the subject. Shane nodded.

Shane walked over to Yvonne and kissed her goodbye. As he passed Nicky's father, he stopped to shake his hand. Nicky slid his hand into Shane's as they walked to the front door. Before Nicky could open the door, Shane leaned over and kissed him.  
"Can't risk it in public" Shane told him.

The two boys walked outside to Shane's car.  
"I'll pack up the rest of my stuff and be home later" Nicky told him. "I'd come with you now but since I have to drive my own car..."  
"It's okay, take as long as you need. And... You, you don't have to come home tonight"  
"I know. I want to"

Shane smiled at his fiancé and climbed into his car. Nicky waved as Shane started his BMW and backed down the drive. Shane waved back before pulling onto the road and disappearing from sight. When Nicky re-entered the house, his father was still in the Dining room. He quickly approached his father.

"Dad?" Nicky began. "Thank you... For what you said to Shane. It meant a lot to me"  
"I meant every word of it" he replied.  
"I love you, dad"

"Does this mean you're going home tonight?"  
"In a while... I have a soccer match to finish first"  
Nicky smiled and hugged his father before leaving the room to find his brother.

*****

Shane felt like he was floating. He felt like he was invincible. Knowing that he had Nicky back was an enormous weight lifted off his chest and he could breathe again. Before he knew it, he was home. He jumped out of the car and ran inside the house.

"Kian?" he shouted as he ran down the hall. "Kian?"

In his excitement, he slipped on the tiles and stumbled. Freddy appeared and leapt into Shane's lap.  
"Hey there buddy" Shane greeted him. "Guess what? Your other daddy's coming home!"  
"He is?"  
Shane's heart leapt into his throat.  
"Ki, you scared me!" Shane told him.  
"What? You thought Freddy'd learnt how to talk?" Kian replied.

He walked over to Shane and helped the brunette to his feet. Shane kept Freddy in his arms as he walked over to the table and sat down.  
"So, it went well?" Kian asked. Shane nodded.  
"Nicky's coming home. Everything's all out in the open and we're okay again. He's forgiven me for keeping certain things secret..."  
"You told him about the engagement?"  
"Yeah and I proposed again... To make it up to him. I can't believe things are finally back on track. Now I just need to get through this court hearing and everything will be back to normal..."  
"And we'll be back on tour..."  
"I know"  
"Are you sure you're both ready for that? To start touring again?"  
"We've been away from our fans for long enough. It's about time we got back out there and thanked them for supporting us through all this"

"So..." Kian began. "Do you know what time Nicky will be home?"  
"No, why?" Shane asked.  
"Well, Mark needs to talk to you... It's kind of important"  
"Should I call him?"  
"No, I'm gonna go get him and bring him here. It's best if you talk in person, not over the phone"  
"And Nicky should or shouldn't be here?"  
"It might be better if he's not here..."  
"What's wrong, Ki? This sounds serious"  
"It is... But Mark needs to be the one to tell you, not me"  
"Then... I, uh... Guess you'd better go get him"

Kian nodded then left the room to call Mark. Shane watched him go before turning his attention back to Freddy.  
"What do ya suppose that's all about?" Shane asked the puppy. Freddy barked. "You don't care, do you?" Again, Freddy barked. "You just want your daddy to come home, don't ya?" Another bark. "Yeah, me too! Me too"

*****

"I don't think I can do this!" Mark said to Kian.  
"Of course you can" Kian replied, reassuringly.  
"Maybe they're better off not knowing..."  
"Mark-"  
"You know... Maybe it won't come up. Maybe Alex will keep his mouth shut..."  
"Do you really want to take that risk?"  
"I don't know. I just... I don't want to see the look"  
"What look?"  
"The look of disappointment on Nicky's face... Shane's kidnapping was all my fault, which makes what happened to Nicky my fault too"  
"Listen, for what it's worth... I really don't think it’s your fault. You were just caught in the cross-fire. You didn't mean for Shane to get hurt and I really doubt that you meant for Nicky to get caught up in it too"  
"But if I hadn't helped them get to Shane..."  
"Forgive me if I'm wrong but all you did was make a phone call. You called a guy that you'd 'hooked up' with a few weeks prior to the event. Did he mention any plans to kidnap Shane the next day?"  
"No... But if I hadn't called him-"  
"He still would have known we were in town. We did a live performance and a CD signing that same day... Lots of people knew we were in town. It was on the news too. He would have known and gone a head with it, with or without a phone call from you"  
"Again... I hope you're right"

*****

Shane was in the Study when Kian bought Mark into the house. He was reading the statement Mark had given the Garda after he'd met Jade. At the time, Jade had been posing as a girl named Jamie in an attempt to get word to Nicky that Shane was okay. He sighed, thinking how lucky he had been that Jade had been able to find Mark without having to resort to sneaking into their hotel.

"Shane?" Kian called.  
"In the Study" Shane replied.  
His band mates appeared in the doorway. Mark spotted the broken liquor cabinet and nodded at it.  
"What happened there?" Mark asked. Shane followed his gaze.  
"I couldn't find the key" Shane replied.

"So," Shane asked. "What did you want to talk to me about?"  
"Uh..." Mark stammered. "Maybe... Maybe we should go somewhere else... Into the Living room?"  
"No" Shane & Kian replied in unison.

Neither Shane nor Kian had been in the Living room since Nicky's abduction. Although they had been in there when everyone else was in the room, they were yet to step in there alone. Shane only needed to stand in the doorway and he could see Tobey hurting Nicky... He had no plans to return to that room just yet, no matter how serious Mark's words were.

"How about we go into the Rec room?" Kian suggested.

Shane stood up and walked around the desk, following Kian and Mark down the hall to the Rec room. Shane stopped, waiting for Freddy to follow them. The three lads walked into the room. The eldest took a seat in the armchair and placed Freddy on his lap. Mark sat on the couch opposite him while Kian sat himself down on the edge of the pool table.

 

"Anyone want something to drink?" Shane asked them.  
"No thanks" Kian replied. Mark simply shook his head and stared down at his shoes.  
Freddy rolled onto his back so Shane started to rub his belly. Freddy closed his eyes and promptly fell asleep.  
"So... Mark?" Shane began. "What's up? Kian made this sound very ominous"

Mark buried his face in his hands and shook his head.  
"I can't do this!" Mark exclaimed.  
Kian leapt off the table and dropped onto the couch beside his upset band-mate. He placed his arm around Mark's shoulder and cast a sympathetic look at Shane.  
"Ki, I don't have time for this" Shane whispered. "Nicky's coming home soon... I still have papers to read..."  
"When... When's Nicky getting here?" Mark asked, looking up at Shane.

The older boy could see the tears in Mark's eyes.  
"I don't know... Some time this afternoon" Shane told him.  
"God, no..." Mark cursed. "Shit"  
"Mark?"

The younger boy took a deep breath. He couldn't put it off any longer. Shane deserved to know the truth and Mark didn't want Nicky to be there when Shane heard what he had to say. He knew it was now or never. Because if he didn't have the courage to do it now, then he'd never be able to do it.

"Shane... I know you've been researching all this information on the people involved in your kidnapping. And I know that you've been curious as to why I've decided not to testify on your behalf... The reason for this is... I had a one night thing, well, two nights actually... A... A one night stand with one of your kidnappers"  
"You... Uh... What?"

Mark was still struggling to get the words out when Nicky appeared in the doorway. The three men already in the room failed to spot their band-mate standing in the door.  
"I helped them plan your kidnapping..." Mark blurted out. "So I could get you out of the way because I'd fallen in love with Nicky!"

Shane's face contorted with anger. He leaped to his feet, causing Freddy to drop to the floor. He clenched his fist and punched Mark as hard as he could.  
"Shane!" Kian exclaimed.

The brunette turned on his heel and spotted his blonde fiancé standing in the doorway. Shane's eyes met with Nicky's but the blonde turned on his heel and disappeared from sight.

"Nicky!" Shane called then he turned back to face Mark. "You stay the hell away from me *and* from Nicky"  
Then Shane ran from the room to find his fiancé.


	18. Chapter Seventeen

Shane managed to catch up to Nicky at the base of the stairs. He reached out and grabbed the blonde's arm. The older boy quickly pulled away from his lover, breaking Shane's grip. Then he stopped and turned to look at Shane.  
"You're home" Shane stated.  
"Yeah... I said I would be" Nicky replied.  
"Why'd you run off?"  
"Are you daft Shay? I walked into the room in time to hear Mark say he's in love with me and then I saw you punch him... What else was I supposed to do?"  
"Nix-"  
"You didn't hit him for being in love with me... Did you?"  
"Nicky, babe... I may be a jealous, overprotective, daft nut but no... That wasn't the only reason why I hit him"  
"Well, what was the other reason?"

Shane sighed and sat down on one of the steps. Nicky followed suit, sitting on the step below Shane's and looked up at the younger boy.  
"He... Mark" Shane began. "He said that... That he helped them, with my kidnapping... That he did it to get me out of the way so he could have you"  
"What? You don't seriously believe him... Do you?"  
"I... I don't know Nix. I don't know what to believe. I don't think Mark has ever told a lie in his life, so why would he start now?"  
"But... No, he'd never do anything that vindictive"  
"Wouldn't he?"

Nicky reached out and placed his hand on Shane's arm. The brunette covered Nicky's hand with his own and tried to smile at him.  
"Shay, you've known Mark a lot longer than I have but I really don't think he's capable of doing something like that"  
"Even for someone like you?" Shane asked, placing his other hand on Nicky's cheek.  
"I think you need to go back in there and hear what he has to say. I really doubt it's as black and white as we think"  
"What? You mean it's a whiter shade of grey?"  
"I... I don't know what I mean" Nicky sighed.

As Nicky made to stand up Shane reached out and grabbed his hand, stopping him. He looked up at Shane, his eyebrow raised.  
"If Mark really is telling the truth..." The younger boy began.  
"Shane-" Nicky tried to interrupt but Shane cut him off.  
"If he is... And things had of gone... Differently... If I hadn't of come back. If they'd killed me... How long would you have waited before letting him into your bed?"

The blonde stared at his lover in horror. Then he raised his hand and slapped Shane's cheek. The fire in Nicky's eyes was intense and Shane was already regretting his irrational question. He flinched, expecting another slap as Nicky's response. Instead, the older boy threw himself into Shane's arms.  
"Don't you ever say anything like that to me ever again" Nicky cried. Despite not being able to see his face, Shane instantly knew his lovers eyes were filling with tears.

"I'm sorry, Nix" Shane whispered, holding Nicky's body close. "I... I don't know what possessed me to say that. It was stupid and totally irrational"  
"I... I don't want to think about that ever again. I almost lost you... I was so scared that I was going to lose you. I... I thought I'd never see you again. But I can't lose you. I'll never love anyone as much as I love you and I'll never be with anyone but you for the rest of my life. I love you, Shay. Not Mark, I could never love him the way I love you"  
"I... I..." Shane stammered, completely lost for words.  
"I love you" Nicky said once more. Shane nodded his head.  
"I know. I'm sorry"  
"Yeah, you should be"  
"I'm just so messed up right now. I don't know what to do. I can't deal with this right now but I can't ignore it either... As much as I'd like to. It could come back later to bite me in the ass"  
"As I said, I think you need to go back in there and listen to him. You've known him nearly your whole life. I've only known him a few years and I'm finding it hard to believe he'd so something so malevolent"  
"Yet it looks like he's good at keeping secrets... If he managed to keep this to himself for a year, who knows what else he's capable of..."

"Let me talk to him" Nicky stated.  
"What?" Shane asked.  
"Please Shay? Let me talk to him. See if I can't find out what really happened"  
"But... Nix..."  
"It'll be okay. I doubt he's waiting to jump me the second I walk in the door"  
"But... I just don't think it's a good idea is all. I mean, he didn't want you to know, not yet anyway. So you going in there and talking to him might not be such a good idea"

"I'm going to go talk to him" Shane opened his mouth to continue protesting but Nicky placed his finger over Shane's lips. "I don't need your permission to talk to our friend..."  
Shane simply nodded in defeat. He didn't want to continue this argument with Nicky. The two of them had argued more times than he'd care to admit lately. The last thing he wanted was for them to fight again.

Nicky finally stood up then he leaned down and kissed Shane's forehead. With a feeling of unease in his chest, Shane watched Nicky leave. He blinked back his tears before climbing to his feet and dragging himself up the stairs.

*****

Kian was still in the Rec room, attempting to make conversation with the younger boy. He gently stroked his hand up and down Mark's back in (what he hoped was) a comforting and reassuring gesture. As much as Kian had wanted to go after Shane, he knew Shane needed time to process this and talk to Nicky about it. Shane's reaction hadn't taken him completely by surprise but he had been more than a little shocked.  
Never in his life had he seen Shane hit someone. Never mind one of his own friends. Not to say Shane wouldn't hit someone. Kian remembered Shane telling him he'd punched Tobey... But that sick freak had deserved it. Kian wasn't totally convinced that Mark deserved it.

His attention was drawn towards the door and he was surprised to see Nicky standing in the doorway. The older boy cocked his head, indicating he wished to speak to Mark alone. Kian nodded and looked back at Mark.  
Their band mate was still staring at the floor and sobbing quietly to himself. Kian stood up and walked out of the room, stopping only to place his hand on Nicky's arm and whisper in his ear. The older boy nodded at Kian's words then made his way over to his upset friend. He sat down in the spot Kian had vacated and placed his hand on Mark's knee.

Thinking he was Kian, Mark spoke.  
"They're never going to speak to me again"  
"Well, I can't speak for Shane-"

Nicky began to respond to Mark's statement. Upon recognizing Nicky's voice, Mark flinched away from his touch and stared at him in disbelief.

"Nicky!" Mark gasped. "I am so... So... Sorry... I... I never meant-"  
"Like I said" Nicky interrupted him. "I can't speak for Shane but for the moment, I'm not holding anything against you. Not until I hear the full story from you. Then, once I've heard all I need to hear, I'll make up my own mind as to if I'm ever going to speak to you again"  
"I never meant for any of this to happen"  
"I'm sorry, Mark"

Mark blinked several times, staring at Nicky in blank confusion.  
"You... You're sorry?" he asked. "For what?"  
"I... I heard you" Nicky began. "I heard you telling Shane that you'd... Uh, you'd fallen in love with me. So... I'm sorry that... If my being with Shane has hurt you in any way. You're one of my best friends and I hate to think that I hurt you... But I love Shane and nothing will ever change that"  
"I know... And you don't have to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. You and Shane are good together. I was... I was jealous and I let that jealousy get the better of me. In a moment of weakness, I let the jealousy consume me... And that moment led to Shane being taken"

Despite his attempts to shy away from Nicky, the blonde's hand was still on Mark's knee and the younger boy couldn't tear his eyes away from Nicky's engagement ring.  
"I'm sorry, again, Mark. But I don't believe you. I can't believe that you would have any kind of involvement in a plan to hurt Shane. You've known him for years... Were your feelings for me that strong that you were willing to hurt one of your best friends because of them?"  
"No... Well, yes but no. My feelings for you, Nicky... They were like nothing I’d ever felt before. But you're right. I swear to you, I could never do anything to hurt Shane... Or anyone else I care about. Shane wasn't meant to get hurt"

"Will you tell me what happened?"  
"All of it?"  
"All of it. I want to understand and I want to be able to help you earn Shane's trust back"  
"Okay... But I, uh, I'm not holding my breath on that one. I don't deserve his trust or his forgiveness. The black eye I'm gonna have tomorrow, doesn't even begin to describe what I deserve"  
"Mark... I'm assuming you've already told Kian the whole story?" Mark nodded. "Well, he's forgiven you. What makes you think we won't?"  
"Because what I did, hurt you and Shane. Not Kian. He even said himself that in this situation that his forgiveness wasn't worth much"  
"And yet, he still forgave you? Because that's what friends do"


	19. Chapter Eighteen

Kian found Shane upstairs in his room. He was tossing a plush toy across the room and letting Freddy fetch it. Once Freddy had it, he would bring it back to Shane then growl at him until he threw it again.

"Are you okay?" Kian asked from his position in the doorway. Shane looked up at him but didn't say anything. Instead, he turned his attention back to his puppy.  
"I know you must be feeling pretty hurt right now" Kian continued. "But I really think you need to hear him out. It wasn't exactly easy for him to tell you what he did"  
"He conspired to get me out of the way so he could have my boyfriend! His plan failed. I'm still here, I still have Nicky and all he has is a pile of jealousy and a guilty conscience"  
"Shane-"  
"Do I need to remind you of what I went through? Do you need me to go into minute details of what they did to me? And then there's what they did to Nicky..."  
"Exactly Shane. Do you really think that Mark would have let something like that happen to him?"  
"How do we even know that he wasn't one of the one's who did it?"  
"Shane! Don't even think about going there!"  
"Why not, Ki? I never saw their faces. They had them covered on that video and they never used names on it. Then there was their attempts to take Nicky... Both times, when we tried to call him after... We couldn't find him and he'd turn up a long time after. Plus, Tobey was arrested but what about Kane? How do we even know that Kane ever really existed? Tobey admitted to killing him but they never found a body, it 'burned up in the fire'. Supposedly"

"Wow" Kian stated. "I had no idea you were that screwed up, Shane"   
"You... You think I'm screwed up? So you're taking Mark's side on this, huh?"  
"I'm not taking sides here, Shane. I'm just... Dumbfounded by the fact that you're suggesting Mark was one of the men who raped Nicky"

Kian walked into the room and dropped down on the bed beside Shane.  
"I really don't want to get caught in the middle of all this, Shane. I know that what happened to you was bad but I really don't think you can blame Mark for it. He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and ended up caught up in this mess. Despite what he thinks, he really didn't do anything wrong"  
"How can you be so sure of that?" Shane asked.  
"It's in his eyes, Shane. The guilt is slowly killing him but I can't get through to him. I can't make him understand that this wasn't his fault... That what happened to you would have happened without any involvement from him"  
"But... Was he really involved Ki?"  
"Not in the way you think. You ran from the room before he had a chance to explain himself"  
"If... If you were me... If you were in my position... Would you forgive him?"  
"If I were you?" Kian asked. Shane nodded.

Kian paused for a moment, thinking out an answer.  
"I don't know, Shane" Kian replied. "I really don't know"

*****

Nicky sat in silence, listening to Mark tell his tale. The more involved he got in Mark's trauma, the guiltier he felt. The younger boy was blaming himself for events which were way beyond his control. And he'd gotten there because of his feelings for Nicky. The older boy couldn't believe Mark had kept this to himself for so long.  
"I had no idea who they were" Mark finished. "And I swear, I didn't know they were going to do that to him" 

Nicky's next words were enough to make Mark's heart stop beating.  
"I think believe you" Nicky whispered.  
When Mark dared to look up, he could see tears in Nicky's blue orbs. He held his breath, waiting for Nicky to speak again. But the older boy remained silent.

Kian knocked on the door to the room. Both lads turned to look at him and he felt slightly relieved to know he hadn't interrupted them.  
"Pizza okay for dinner?" he asked.  
"I'm not hungry" Nicky replied while Mark shrugged.  
"Too bad. You have to eat something Nicky"  
"Fine, pizza"  
"I really should go" Mark spoke up.  
"Stay Mark. Please?" Kian asked.  
"It wouldn't hurt for you to try and talk to Shane again" Nicky suggested.  
""Doesn't matter, I'm not driving you home until you've eaten" Kian threatened.  
"Fine, I'll stay"

"Kian?" Nicky asked. "Where is he?"  
"He's in the Study" Kian replied.  
"I'll be back in a while, okay?"

Mark and Kian both nodded as Nicky stood and left the room.  
"So, how did it go?" Kian asked Mark.  
"Well, the next time I get a stupid idea like that, you have permission to shoot me" Mark replied.

*****

Nicky walked down the hall to the open Study door. He raised his hand to knock but paused in the doorway. Shane was sitting behind the desk, several files were spread open in front of him. His elbow was resting on the desk, his head bowed while his eyes were covered by his hand. Nicky watched as Shane's body trembled from his tears.

Rather than knocking, Nicky quietly entered the room. He walked around the desk and pulled Shane's hand away from his eyes. The brunette looked up in surprise and paused when he saw Nicky. The older boy wrapped his arms around Shane. It was all Shane needed to lose complete control. He couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. His entire body shook uncontrollably as he buried his face in Nicky's chest. The blonde kissed the top of Shane's head while gently stroking his arm up and down Shane's back.

"How could he do that to me?" Shane sobbed. "He's supposed to be our friend"  
"Shhhh" Nicky whispered. "Its okay, Shay"  
"I trusted him... I'll never trust anyone again as long as I live"  
"Shay?"  
"Except you, Nix"  
"I wish I knew what to say..."  
"Don't say anything... Just hold me. Please?"

Nicky pulled Shane to his feet and led him over to the couch. He sat down and Shane settled down beside him. The brunette curled up in a ball beside Nicky and rested his head in the blonde's lap. Nicky gently stroked his fingers through Shane's hair.

"I don't want to do this" Shane whispered.  
"Shane?" Nicky asked.  
"I'm not ready to go to court... To tell a room full of strangers what happened to me"  
"I know you're scared. I would be too"  
"You... Are you coming with me?"  
"Do you want me to?"  
"I..."  
"Because I'll be there for you if you want me to be. I just figured that if I was there and you got upset, which you probably will, I'll want to comfort you and won't be able to. And I hate seeing you upset"   
"I want you there but I don't want you there... I don't want you to hear me on the stand"  
"I... I understand"  
"But... I'd want to be comforted by you and we can't do that. Not yet anyway"

"What do you mean?"  
"Well... Once this is all over and things are okay, I was thinking that since we're engaged... Maybe we should tell people"  
"Like, friends and 'distant relatives'?"  
"I mean... Like fans and the general public"  
"But... Are you sure?"  
"I thought about it a lot before I bought the ring. I'm not saying we run out and announce it the day the trial ends... Maybe after the tour, or once we set a date for the ceremony..."  
"I... I don't know, Shay"  
"I understand"

"Don't take it the wrong way... It's just a big decision and one we can't make too quickly. We'd have to talk to Bry & Ki & Mark. Plus Louis, Ronan & Simon... I wish it weren't so hard"  
"Me too... I just, I hate having to hide. I wish I could walk into that court room and have you holding my hand without having to worry about what other people think"

Nicky leaned down and kissed Shane's lips. At first, the brunette didn't react. He was too lost in his own thoughts to notice what Nicky was doing. The older boy pulled away and looked down at his lover. Shane had drifted off into his own mind. It had happened so fast that Nicky couldn't hold back a laugh.  
He stared down at the ring on his finger and smiled. If he were to go to the court house with Shane, he'd have to leave his ring at home. And while they were on tour, he couldn't risk someone seeing it... He'd have to leave it at home. He felt disappointed knowing he had to leave his most treasured item behind but it was either risk loosing it or risk someone seeing it.  
Perhaps Shane had a point. Once they were married, it would be even harder to keep their relationship a secret. He paused for a moment, fantasizing about a world where he could walk down the street holding hands with his husband... They stop on a street corner and Nicky steals a quick kiss. No one around them flinches; no one around them shuns them.

Nicky looked over at Shane, who was still spacing, and smiled. It was beautiful thought, but for now that's all it was, a thought. Nicky brushed his fingers through Shane's brown locks and smiled.

"Kian's ordering pizza" he told him. Shane smiled.  
"Remember that time we decided to order pizza and have a romantic night at home?" Shane asked.  
"When we ran into a group of fans at the pizza hut?"  
"One of them asked if we were having a 'Shnicky' night"  
"And you went to say something smart so I kicked you in the shin"  
"That hurt too"  
"You forgave me... Out of love, remember?"  
"Love? I forgave you coz you let me have the last slice"

Nicky pouted, preparing to sulk. Shane quickly sat up and climbed into Nicky's lap.  
"I love it when you pout" Shane whispered.  
"Really?" Nicky feigned surprise.

Shane leaned forward and captured Nicky's lips with his own. He'd had to face Mark eventually and decide what to do about the situation... But for now, he was going to distract himself. And he was already pre-occupied by his favorite distraction. There would be time for Mark later, Shane was saddened to know Mark had known of his planned kidnapping but Nicky would talk some sense into him soon...  
After they made out for a while anyway.


	20. Chapter Nineteen

Jade yawned to herself as she walked down the hall. She paused outside Mark's room and glanced in through the open door. His bed was empty and not slept in. She nervously chewed her bottom lip, unsure if this was a good sign or not. After stopping to pick up her mp3 player, she made her way outside to begin her morning jog.  
Jade loved her early morning run. Not many other people were awake at 5.30 am on a Sunday, so she had the streets to herself. Half an hour of running later, she made her daily stop at Starbucks. She paid for her coffee and paper then stepped aside from the counter. While she waited for her coffee, she unfolded her copy of 'News of the World'. Jade wasn't really into gossip and such but she enjoyed laughing at the ridiculous articles this paper tended to print. As she unfolded the paper, she gasped.

"Your coffee, miss" The cashier handed the steaming mug to her.  
"Uh... Thanks" She managed to choke out. "Uh, can I have that to go?"  
"But-"  
"Never mind"

Jade reached over the counter and grabbed a disposable cup. She poured the contents of her mug into the paper cup then snapped a lid on it. Without another word, she raced outside.  
Once there, she didn't bother to go home for her car. Instead she made for the nearest taxi rink. She climbed into a taxi and gave the driver the address and instructions to hurry.

*****

The sound of loud, incessant knocking was what awakened Kian from his slumber. He blinked and slowly sat up in bed. He reluctantly climbed out of bed. When he reached the hall, he spotted Mark making his way to the front door. He stood in the doorway and watched as Mark opened the door.

"Mark!" Jade exclaimed. "Thank god you're here. You won't believe what's happened!"  
"Jade?" Mark greeted her. "What is it?"

"Jade?" Kian yawned. "Why aren't you sleeping like a normal person?"  
"Kian... It's six thirty"  
"On Sunday morning, hun"  
"Hey... When you see this, you're gonna be glad I get up early"

Jade walked into the house. Mark followed her as she approached Kian. She held out a copy of a newspaper. Kian took the paper from her and unfolded it. The photo on the cover caused him to gasp. Mark quickly grabbed the paper from his friend and looked at it.

"Oh no!" Mark exclaimed.  
"This is bad" Kian stated.  
"Really bad" Jade agreed.

"Well, we need to do some damage control" Kian spoke up, taking charge. "We'll need to call Louis... And he'll call the paper..."  
"We need to tell them" Jade said.  
"I'll do it" Kian told them. "Mark, can you call Louis?"  
"But... You get along with him so much better than I do" Mark argued.  
"You wanna be the one to show this to Shane?"  
"No"  
"Then call Louis... This is an emergency"

"I don't understand" Jade stated. "They're usually so careful. How would the press have got a hold of this?"  
"I don't know..." Kian replied. "But with Shane's trial starting tomorrow..."  
"You think the paparazzi have been following him?"  
"Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me"

*****

Kian opened the door to Shane & Nicky's room. His hand was clutching the newspaper and trembling. He paused at the sight of his sleeping friends and his heart sank. Freddy was curled in a ball at the foot of the bed, while the two singers were lying in each other's arms. The sight of his two friends sleeping peacefully was one he'd not seen in a long time... Under other circumstances it'd put a smile on his face.

He walked into the room and opened the curtains. The sudden intrusion of light was enough to make Shane stir.

"Shane?" Kian whispered. "Nicky... Please, wake up"

Shane continued to stir. He could hear Kian whispering to him and he opened his eyes. The brunette gently woke his sleeping lover and the two lads slowly sat up in bed.

"Kian?" Shane yawned. "What's wrong?"  
"What time is it?" Nicky asked.  
"Half six" Kian replied.  
"Are you insane?”  
"It's Sunday... I want sleep"  
"I'm sorry lads but Jade's here... She, uh, she bought you something"  
"Something that couldn't wait?" Nicky asked.  
"No, it couldn't" Kian confessed.

Kian stepped closer to the bed and dropped the 'News of the World' onto the mattress in front of them.  
"Oh god!" Nicky gasped.  
"No" Shane cried. "This can't be"

The headline screamed 'Westlife's Secret Romance!' The photograph below the headline was one of Shane and Nicky. They both recognized it. They were sitting on the steps of the gazebo in the backyard of Nicky's parent’s house. Their arms were around each other and they were joined at the lips.

"That... That's my parent’s house!" Nicky exclaimed, tears forming in his eyes.  
"There's... uh... More photo's on pages three, four and five..." Kian spoke up.

Shane picked up the paper and opened it to the mentioned pages. Kian was right. Spread over the double page was several photographs. All taken the previous day and none were very clear. Though there was no denying the pictures were of them. One photo saw Shane handing the red roses to Nicky while another featured Shane down on one knee, proposing to his lover.

Nicky buried his face in his hands. Shane wrapped his arm around Nicky's shoulder and held him close.  
"It'll be okay" Shane tried to sound convincing.  
"No, it won't Shay" Nicky argued.  
Nicky looked up at Shane and saw tears in his brown eyes. The blonde placed his hand on Shane's cheek, trying to think of something to say.

"I'll leave you two alone" Kian told them before quietly leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

*****

"They must have been following me" Shane theorized. "I didn't even think about that"  
"Shay?" Nicky asked.  
"Of course with the trial starting tomorrow, the press was bound to want something to print. The paparazzi must have been following me... Looking for a scoop or something. This whole trial's been kept under wraps. They must have been getting desperate"  
"But yesterday was special... It was beautiful and romantic... But they just splash these photos across the tabloids, screaming 'scandal, gossip, this'll sell papers'... They had no right to do this to us"  
"I know, babe. And I'm sorry that our moment yesterday was captured on film... I never meant for this to happen"  
"I know you didn't"  
"I should have stayed away... They intruded at your parent’s house"  
"I need to call them... You should call your mam and dad too"  
"I don't want to wake them"  
"Well, I think we should. We need to be the ones to tell them... Before someone else does"

RING! RING!  
The phone beside the bed began to ring.  
"Should we get it?" Nicky asked. Shane nodded. Nicky reached over and picked it up.  
"Hello?" Shane listened to Nicky's side of the conversation. "Yes, I know. I saw it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you... Yes, they're real. A year actually... Love him? Yes, more than life itself... Thank you... Was just about to... I will... Bye"

Nicky hung up the phone and turned to Shane.  
"My sister" Nicky told him. Shane nodded. "I guess I'd better call mam"  
"My dad doesn't even know yet"  
"Will he be mad?"  
"I don't know... I think mam's been softening him up to the idea... Like your mam did to your dad"

Nicky was holding the phone in his shaking hands. He raised the phone and started to dial his parent's number. Mid-dial, Shane's hand closed over his and stopped him from dialing. He took the phone off Nicky and placed it on the bed beside them.  
Shane placed his hand on Nicky's cheek and leaned in for a kiss. His lips met Nicky's in firm yet gentle kiss. Shane's tongue sneaked through his lips and lightly teased his lover's lower lip. Nicky parted his lips, allowing Shane's tongue permission to enter his mouth. The brunette's tongue gently massaged Nicky's teeth before beginning a fierce battle with the blonde's tongue.

After several long, passionate minutes Shane slowly pulled away from Nicky.  
"What was that for?" Nicky panted.  
"What? Now I need an excuse to kiss you?" Shane asked.  
"I just meant-"  
"I love you, Nix. We're gonna get through this. Now, I wish things could have been different. I didn't want people to find out about us like this. But this is what's happened and it sucks. But I love you and no matter what, nothing will ever change that. You hear me?"  
Nicky nodded.  
"I love you too Shay. But the timing of this... You have to be in court tomorrow and-"  
"And that has nothing to do with this..." Shane took a hold of Nicky's hand and ran his finger over Nicky's engagement ring. "I'm not going into that room tomorrow to ask anyone's permission to be with you. What we have here, between us... Is nothing to do with what *they* did to me... Tomorrow is all about making them pay for what they did. And when that's all over, I'll be coming home to you... My band mate, my best friend, my lover and my fiancé"  
"I love you so much"  
Nicky threw his arms around Shane and held him close.

RING! RING!  
The couple both sighed and slowly separated. This time Shane picked up the phone and answered it.  
"Hi Mrs. By... Yvonne" Shane said, smiling reassuringly at Nicky. "Yes, I know... I'm sorry. I never meant for anyone to see us... I had no idea anyone was following me and to your house..."  
Nicky reached out and took the phone from Shane.  
"Hi mam" Nicky greeted her. "Yes, I know it looks bad but... You know... It would have had to come out at some point...

Shane slowly climbed off the bed and located his cell phone. He walked back over to Nicky, who was still talking to his mother, and leaned down to kiss the top of his head. The older boy smiled at his lover and continued to converse with his mother. Shane turned his phone on and dialed his parent's number.  
He sat down beside Nicky and reached for his hand. He felt Nicky squeeze his hand reassuringly and he smiled at him.

"Hi dad, it's me Shane... I'm sorry to call so early but something's happened...."


	21. Chapter Twenty

It took well over an hour for Shane & Nicky to finish the inevitable calls to their family members. Shane, having chosen to call each of his brothers and sisters, knew it wasn't necessary but he didn't want any of them to find out about his relationship with Nicky from a prying tabloid. He'd wanted to explain for himself why he'd not told them sooner. Nicky stayed with him, holding his hand and offering the occasional reassuring kiss. He loved Shane's large family but was thankful that he'd only had to call his grandparents, having already received calls from his parents and sister.

Shane dropped the phone down on the bed and gently rubbed his eyes. Nicky slid around behind him and placed his hands on Shane's shoulders. He then began to massage the younger boy's neck. Shane closed his eyes, relaxing in Nicky's embrace.  
"That feels nice" Shane murmured.  
"I'm glad" Nicky replied. He leaned forward and softly kissed Shane's neck.

The brunette turned his head to look at his lover. He leaned forward and captured Nicky's lips with his own. The blonde retracted his hands. He placed one on Shane's cheek and clasped the other around Shane's hand. The younger boy shifted his body so he was turned to face Nicky. Then he slid both arms around Nicky's waist.  
Neither lad was willing to break their kiss. They exchanged several, long tender caresses before Nicky reluctantly pulled away.

"This is going to be okay?" Nicky said.  
"As long as we're together..." Shane told him. "We'll be okay"  
"It was only yesterday you suggested we tell people about us"  
"I never wanted it to come out like this, Nix"  
"Yeah, I know.... So, you think Louis's had a stroke yet?"  
"A stroke?"  
"Well Shay, you are a pop star... Every teenage girl’s fantasy boyfriend. And there you are on the cover of the newspaper, snogging me"  
"Hey! You're more a 'fantasy boyfriend' than I am"  
"That's not true"  
"Fine... But you're definitely *my* fantasy boyfriend"

Shane leaned in for another kiss but a knock at the door caused him to stop. Nicky pouted in protest.  
"Come in" Shane called, smiling at his lover's perfect pout.  
"You're so sexy when you do that" Shane whispered to Nicky as the door opened.

Kian, Jade & Mark were standing in the doorway. Shane caught a glimpse at Mark and his face hardened.  
"What's he doing here?" Shane asked his voice harsh.  
"Shay, don't" Nicky told him.

"I made him stay" Kian answered Shane. "I refused to drive him home last night"  
"Then he should have called a taxi" Shane snapped.  
"Shay, we have other things to discuss right now" Nicky told him.

The brunette reluctantly nodded. He followed Mark's gaze and noticed he was staring at Nicky. This made Shane feel uncomfortable (and suspicious). He reached down to the end of the bed and picked up his robe. Then he handed it to Nicky.  
"Put this on" Shane whispered to him. "Please?"  
"Shane" Nicky softly protested.  
Nicky followed Shane's eyes and saw him looking at Mark. The younger boy was standing behind Kian but was staring at him. Nicky understood Shane's behavior and draped the robe around his shirtless chest.  
"Its okay, Nicky" Jade joked, smiling. "You don't have to cover up in front of us"  
An uneasy tension filled the room and Nicky tried to crack a smile.  
"I'm just a little chilly" Nicky told her.

Shane reached out and slid his arm across Nicky's shoulders. To the casual observer it was a gesture of love, wanting his lover to be warm. Mark knew it was a sign of possession. Shane was making it clear that Nicky belonged to him, not Mark.  
Kian tried to ease the tension. He strolled into the room and sat down at the foot of the bed. Jade and Mark followed him but sat down at the window seat.

"We called Louis" Kian told them. "He's going to call back. He decided to give you some time to call your parents etc while he thinks of a cover story... Something to fix all this"  
"No, no cover story" Nicky spoke up. "We need to be honest about this"  
"What? Are... Are you sure?"  
"If it's okay with you, Mark and Bryan... then yeah, we're sure. We can't deny it now then retract it six months or a year from now. Nicky and I love each other. Nothing will ever change that. And no one" Shane shot a look at Mark. "Will come between us... We know it's only been a year but we'll still be together long after our careers are over. It's time we let the fans and the public know about us"   
"And you're really sure about this? Even with the trial starting tomorrow?"  
"This trial has nothing to do with me and Nicky... This is about making those... those bastards pay for what they did to me"   
"The press will be all over this now"

"So we don't hold back" Shane said, startling even himself.  
"What do you mean?" Nicky asked him.   
"We tell them everything"  
"What are you saying, Shay?"  
"We forget the whole 'closed court' thing and tell the whole story. The main reason for all the secrecy was to minimize the risk of word getting out about us" Shane told Nicky. "But if it's all out there now, then it doesn't matter anymore"  
"I don't know, babe..." Nicky said, attempting to sound supportive despite his words. "Are you ready for the entire world to know what happened to you? You said last night that you were uneasy about having to tell a room full of people about it... Now you're willing to tell the whole country?"  
"I... Well, maybe sooner is better than later? This way it won't matter if word leaks out"  
"We could just do an interview with ok magazine"  
"And we can after the court case... Who knows, maybe they were going to approach me afterwards... They've already contacted me twice and Hello Magazine called once too"  
"But Shane, I'm scared"  
"I know... I am too"  
"Do you really think we can do this?"  
"We can do almost anything... Why not this?"  
"This is our future, Shay... And not just ours but theirs too" Nicky nodded towards Kian & Mark.

Shane took Nicky's hand then reached out and stroked his cheek.  
"If you don't want to do this, then we don't have to" Shane told him.  
"I... I don't know what I want" Nicky admitted.  
"Well, we need to think of something. Louis is gonna want to initiate some kind of damage control..." 

Nicky nodded and fell silent, really thinking this over.  
"I think we need to have a press conference" Nicky spoke up.  
"A press conference?" Kian asked.  
"Yeah, we should call Louis. Try and organize something for this afternoon..."  
"Are you sure you don't just want to issue a statement or something?"  
"No, we need to tell the truth and our fans deserve to hear it from us"

"Knock, knock"  
The four lads and Jane all turned to the door. Bryan was standing in the doorway.  
"Hey lads" Bryan greeted them. "The door was unlocked... I guess you all saw this?"

Bryan held up a copy of 'News of the World'.  
"Hey Bry" Shane greeted him, nodding his head. "Thanks for coming over"  
"So... What happened?" Bryan asked. "I mean, I laugh at Kerry for getting this delivered to our house but decided to read it for a laugh today..."   
"I went to see my parents yesterday and Shane came too..." Nicky told him. "Some photographer must have been following him. We didn't know"  
"We should have been more careful, we're really sorry" Shane added.

"Don't be sorry" Kian told them. "This isn't your fault"  
"Kian's right, this isn't your fault" Bryan agreed. "But what's the plan?"  
"Well, if it's okay with you lads..." Shane replied. "We want to have a press conference this afternoon to clear this up..."  
"And, by clear up... You mean-"  
"Tell the truth. That Nicky and I are together and that I'll still be in court tomorrow to get justice and closure"  
Bryan nodded.  
"But if any of you don't approve... If you think we should cover this up or just ignore it all together, say something. Please? And we won't go through with it"

"We knew this would all come out eventually" Kian spoke up. "No time like the present"  
"Our fans support us for our music, not who we share our beds with" Bryan added. "They'll still support us. If they shun us just because the two of you are in love, then they're not the kind of people we would want as fans anyway"

"Mark?" Nicky asked. "What do you think?"  
"It doesn't matter what I think" the brunette stated. "But it will matter what Louis and Simon think"  
"Well, *I* want to know what you think"

The brunette looked up at Nicky and saw the blonde staring at him. He could see the sincerity in Nicky's eyes so he averted his gaze.  
"I think these next few days are going to be hard," Mark replied. "On both of you... And you'll need each other's support more than anything else. You'll both be relying on each other and it'll be so much easier on you both not having to hide what you feel for the other while out in public. Shane has a rough week ahead of him and I think it'll be good for you to be able to show your support when he needs it the most"  
"Mark-" Nicky started.  
"So it's agreed," Shane interrupted. "We'll call Louis and get the ball rolling on this"


	22. Chapter Twenty One

Less than an hour later, the group had made their way into the Kitchen. Shane, Nicky and Jade set down at the table, Kian sat on the bench top while Bryan made straight for the refrigerator. Mark watched from the doorway as Bryan found the leftover pizza and started eating it.  
"Well, we called Louis" Kian spoke up. "He said he'd call back but hasn't yet"  
"He said he couldn't talk and hung up" Mark added.

Ring! Ring! Kian reached over and picked up the cordless phone.  
"Hello?" he answered it. "Oh, hi... Yeah, not too bad yet. They're okay... Bye"  
Kian lowered the phone.  
"Nicky?"  
The blonde looked up and Kian tossed the phone over to him.  
"Hello? Hey Stephen" Nicky smiled at Shane as he spoke into the phone.

Knock! Knock!  
"Now what?" Bryan asked. Pizza still in hand, he wandered off to answer the door. He returned a moment later with Louis Walsh.

"Hi lads" Louis greeted them.  
Shane stood up, shocked to see Louis in Dublin. Kian jumped down off the bench.  
"Louis, I'm so sorry..." Shane began. "I should have known I was being followed. I... I should have been more careful. And we should have told you about it. I mean, we were going to but with everything that’s happened lately-"  
"Shane," Louis interrupted him. "I'm not mad at you, either of you. It wasn't your fault. You should be allowed to do whatever you want in the privacy of your own home... Or in this case your parent’s homes. Those photographers went too far. Besides, I know you're always careful. You've managed to keep this between yourselves all this time..."   
"Yeah... Well, we're still sorry Louis" Nicky added, having just got off the phone.

"What are you doing here?" Kian asked him.  
"I was heading to Dublin for Shane's court date tomorrow... I still think it was wrong having the trial here in Dublin but, under the circumstances..."  
"I didn't want to go back there" Shane said.  
"But holding it in a whole other country...? It's a bit extreme, and wasn't easy"  
"I know you wanted it in London but... I'm sorry. I needed it to be here"

"So..." Louis continued. "We'll need to issue a statement before the end of the day..."  
"We don't want a statement" Kian told their manager. "We want you to organize a press conference for this afternoon"  
"A press conference"  
"Yes, the fans deserve to hear the truth from us... Not from a written statement" Nicky added.  
"And you're all okay with this?"

Louis looked at each of the lads in turn. Bryan nodded. Kian smiled then looked over at Shane and Nicky. He too nodded. Mark jammed his hands into his pockets and looked to Kian for assurance when the blonde smiled at him, he nodded.   
"We're okay" Mark said, softly. "We just want our friends to be happy"  
Shane snorted and Nicky kicked him in the shin.  
"And you've talked to your families?" They both nodded.  
"And you're sure about this?"

"I want to believe our fans will continue to support and believe in us. They've all stood by us (and me) during these past few months. Our fans should support us for our music and not our relationships" Shane said.  
Nicky reached across the table and took a hold of Shane's hand.  
"Well, I guess I should get going then" Louis said. "I have a press conference to organize"  
"I'll come with you" Kian offered.  
"Thank you, Kian but shouldn't you stay here with Shane and Nicky?"  
"Go on, Ki" Shane said. "We'll be fine"  
"I'll stick around for awhile" Bryan spoke up.  
"Take Mark with you" Shane called as Kian and Louis went to leave the room.  
"Shane-" Nicky tried to argue.  
"He doesn't have his car and I don't want him here" Shane told him.  
"What?" Bryan asked.  
"What's going on?" Louis asked.  
"I'll explain in the car..." Kian said, taking Mark's arm and pulling him from the room.  
"Hey, wait for me" Jade called. "I don't have a car either..."  
She called a quick goodbye to the other lads before getting up and chasing after them.

The front door had barely closed before Nicky started in on Shane.  
"Shane" Nicky scolded him. "That was rude"  
"Oh excuse me!" Shane shot back, his voice laced with sarcasm. "I'm being rude? I can't believe you're taking his side!"  
"I'm not taking sides. I just don't think you should be condemning him"  
"Condemning him?"  
"You're getting ready to lock him up and throw away the key"  
"Hey!" Bryan snapped, intervening in their argument. "What's going on?"

Ring! Ring!  
Shane groaned and picked up the phone. He rolled his eyes and left the room. Once he was gone, Bryan started hounding Nicky.  
"What's going on?" he asked again.

"Did you know Mark's gay?" Nicky asked. Bryan paused, unsure of how to answer.  
"He... Mark...?" Bryan sighed then nodded.  
"But... How long?"  
"A while"  
"Bryan!"  
"He told me, okay? The day before I married Kerry"  
"And you've kept this to yourself all this time?"  
"Yes. Well I thought that if he wanted the rest of you to know then he would have told you himself. But what's the big deal? So I didn't tell you. You and Shane didn't tell me you were together. You kept that between yourselves for months..."  
"That's not the point"  
"Nicky, what happened? Why doesn't Shane want Mark here?"

*****

Louis climbed into his car. Kian took the passenger seat while Mark and Jade sat in the back.  
"I caught a taxi here so I don't have my car... Or I could have just driven us home..." Jade trailed off.  
"So, you saw the article first?" Louis asked her.  
"Yeah, I did. Not exactly what I was expecting to see at six in the morning. But I came straight here to tell them in person"

"Did you all know about this?... The engagement I mean"  
"Louis," Kian began. "Shane proposed on their anniversary. But, as you know, Nicky's got amnesia so he didn't remember it. When Shane found out that Nicky couldn't remember, he didn't tell him. He was afraid that telling him would trigger some memories from his kidnapping... And Shane doesn't want Nicky to have to remember what happened to him. Anyway, when Nicky found out that Shane was keeping stuff from him (important stuff), Nicky left him. He went to his parent’s house and Shane didn't take well to that. He went and got drunk off his face"  
"Don't need a life-story Kian"  
"Anyway, yesterday morning Shane went after him and apologized... Then he proposed again"  
"And how long were they going to keep it from me?"  
"It wasn't intentional Louis. They were going to tell you in the first place... I think Shane said something about waiting until after this trial. But then Nicky got taken and everything started to go wrong"

"And what was all that?" Louis glanced at Mark in the rear view mirror. "What's Shane got against you?"  
Mark closed his eyes and covered his face with his hand.  
"Kian will tell you once you've dropped us off" Mark replied.  
"Mark, what did you do?" Jade asked him. Mark shook his head.

They all fell silent for the remainder of the drive. Louis pulled over in front of their apartment building. Jade thanked Louis, said goodbye to them both and climbed out of the car. Mark followed her then put his head back inside the car.  
"Louis, it's probably best you hear this part from me first" Mark told him. "I'm gay"

*****

"You have got to be joking" Bryan told Nicky after the older boy finished talking.  
"I really wish I was" Nicky admitted.  
"No, Mark wouldn't do that"  
"That's what I keep saying"  
"I mean, I knew he fancied ya Nicky. But I knew that he knew he didn't have a hope in hell of being with you. He knew that you were with Shane, that you love Shane"  
"I just wish I knew what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I mean to think that Shane went through all that because of me... It's an awful thought. But it's not possible. Mark insists that he didn't know about the letters Shane was getting... And the whole time Shane was gone, Mark could barely look at me"  
"It's called guilt, Nicky" Shane spoke up as he re-entered the Kitchen.

"Shay, I'm not going to fight you on this" Nicky told his love. "I honestly believe it was just an ugly coincidence"  
"Coincidence? Don't you mean convenience?"  
"Shane..."  
"No, Nicky. This is hard enough for me. But to find out that one of my best friends was in on it..." Shane sighed in defeat. "Nix, babe... This is killing me!"  
"I know it is... I just don't think you can really blame Mark for Christian's actions"  
"But-"  
"You left the hotel, you asked Mark to go with you. It wasn't Mark's fault!"  
"Yes, I left the hotel with Mark... He went along with it"  
"Probably because he didn't know!"

"HEY!" Bryan practically shouted. He hated that he had to intervene between his two friends again. "Lads, stop it. Stop arguing"  
The couple fell silent and both looked at Bryan.

"Well, what do you think Bryan?" Shane asked him.  
"I think it's starting to make sense now..." Bryan said slowly.  
"What?"  
"A few weeks before you went missing" Bryan looked at Shane as he spoke. "Mark came to me one morning. He said he'd hooked up the night before but that he'd said some things he shouldn't have to them. He told me he'd gotten their number and they wanted him to call them. Anyway, he came to me because he didn't know if he should call them or not... He never once said it was a guy though"

"What did you say to him when he asked you?" Nicky asked him.  
"I said 'go for it'. We work hard and we deserve to have some fun from time to time. He still wasn't sure, because of whatever he'd said to them. But I told him to go and if it came up again, to just say he was drunk or just joking"  
"And then what happened?"  
"Nothing... I mean, I never asked him and he never told me anything. But if we match that up with what you just told me... Then Mark would have hooked up again around the time Shane was taken"

"What if it was a setup?" Nicky wondered aloud.  
"What do you mean?" Bryan asked him.  
"They had to have been watching us all for some time, right? They might have been waiting to try and get one of us on their side. And they just happened to get Mark at the right time, when he was upset and vulnerable"  
"You really want me to believe that he got 'tricked' into this, don't you?" Shane asked Nicky.

Nicky reached out and placed his hand on Shane's shoulder. He gently slid his hand up the brunette's neck and placed it on Shane's cheek.  
"Mark's our friend... He'd never do anything to hurt us" Nicky told him.  
"I want to believe you, babe... I really do but-"  
"I know, you need time to process all this"  
"You're all so willing to forgive and believe him but I... I was kidnapped, taken away from you" Shane pulled Nicky to him and wrapped his arms around the blonde's neck. "They did stuff to me... Stuff I can't forget... No matter how hard I try"

Nicky placed his hand on Shane's neck and pulled him even closer. He knew this was hard for his love. Nicky himself still had difficulties trying to forget what had been done to him at the hands of Shane's kidnappers. But one thing that still hurt Nicky was the fact that Shane still hadn't opened up to him about his own abduction. He had no idea what Shane had been subjected to and that thought scared him more than he liked to admit. Knowing that Shane could remember his ordeal but had chosen not to reveal it to Nicky, hurt the blonde.  
"I know babe" Nicky whispered in Shane's ear. "I know"


	23. Chapter Twenty Two

Louis stared at Kian with a look of disbelief on his face. Could this day get any worse? He wondered.  
"What are you talking about?" Louis asked.  
"I'm just telling you what Mark told me. Don't shoot the messenger" Kian replied.  
"Well... No wonder Shane didn't want him around this morning"

They both fell silent for a couple of blocks. Then Louis spoke again.  
"And... None of you had any idea?"  
"Not a clue"  
"Uh... So, what do we do now? I mean... Well, how did Nicky take it?"  
"I think he was okay. That is, he took the news better than Shane did anyway"  
"Do I need to call a lawyer?"  
"God I hope not. I think we should just try this one thing at a time... Starting with this press conference"  
"And Mark? Is he going to be okay?"  
"I wish I knew"

"But how could he be so stupid?" Louis practically shouted.  
"Louis, don't" Kian tried to reason. "He didn't do this on purpose. He just made a mistake is all"  
"A mistake? No, a mistake is when you forget someone's birthday or you're on stage and you forget the words to a song. A mistake is when you don't show up to a meeting on time or at all. It is NOT when you turn against one of your oldest friends to try and steal their boyfriend"  
"Mark knows he did the wrong thing. But yelling at him or being mad, won't change what happened"

Louis sighed.  
"You're right... I know you're right and I'm sorry. I just can't help but think... As if Shane wasn't damaged enough. Being betrayed by one of his best friends, what's that going to do to him?"

*****

Jade took Mark's confession much better than any of the lads. Perhaps because of what her own brother had done to Shane, she'd grown to be less shocked by horrific acts. Or possibly because she knew Mark and wanted to believe in his innocence.  
Either way, she simply took in all he'd had to say then she hugged him. They didn't exchange any words, only signs of comfort. She didn't ask questions and he didn't offer any omissions. They just held each other.

By the time Kian called and told him where and when their press conference was being held, he'd managed to release nearly five percent of his guilt.  
Only ninety five more to go.

*****

Shane, Nicky, Bryan and Kian were all nervously crowded inside on of the rooms of the Conrad hotel. Louis was downstairs checking all the last minute preparations. Kian was sitting on the couch, randomly channel flicking. Bryan was at the table with his laptop open. He was scrolling through the official forums on their website and reading various comments left by their fans.  
Nicky and Shane were standing in the far corner, talking softly to each other but falling silent to listen each time Bryan read aloud a comment from the site.

"Hey lads" Kian called. "Look"  
Kian turned up the volume on the television while the other lads all moved closer.  
A news reporter was speaking while the picture on the screen was one from the morning paper.

"By now, the entire country has seen today’s paper" the reporter said. "With most shops selling out and demanding the paper issue a re-print. However, a representative from BMG is rumored to have seized all remaining copies and have threatened legal action against the tabloid.  
There has been no official word yet from Westlife's management although a press conference is set to take place within the hour. Many speculations state this is nothing more than a publicity stunt to draw more attention to, the already over-publicized, trial which will see band member Shane Filan speak out for the first time about his reported kidnapping. The singer hopes to see justice for what he suffered last year when a group of men grabbed him off the street and held him hostage for a week.  
Many Westlife fans have chosen to stand by their idols and claim they will continue to support the band should it be revealed that Filan is in fact involved with band member Nicky Byrne"

The image cut to one of a crowd of fans who had all converged outside the BMG head office in London.  
"As long as they're both happy, who are we to say who they can and can't date" a fan said.  
"I love the thought of them as a couple" another fan spoke up. "Shnicky rules"  
The image changed again, to a short montage of some of their music videos. In particular, the video for 'Fool Again', which featured the couple sharing an innocent hug.

Shane slid his arm around Nicky's waist as the news report finished up.  
"You okay?" Shane whispered. Nicky nodded.  
He turned in Shane's embrace and hugged the brunette tightly.  
"I love you" he whispered in Shane's ear.  
The younger boy smiled at these words then quickly kissed Nicky's lips.  
"Are you ready?" Nicky asked. Shane shrugged.  
"Me too" Nicky laughed at his love.

The door opened and Mark entered the room, followed by Jade. Shane tensed at Mark's arrival and moved closer to Nicky. The blonde tightened his hold on the younger boy and they both stood in silence, holding each other tightly.  
Mark looked to Jade for support but she didn't say a word. Bryan looked from Mark to Shane & Nicky then back to Mark. The tall blonde walked over to Mark and pulled him into a hug.  
"It'll all be okay" Bryan whispered in his ear.  
Mark really wanted to believe him. The older boy gently petted his back before pulling away from the brunette.

An awkward silence filled the room until Jade spoke up.  
"So, how you lads doing?" she asked the couple.  
"Kinda nervous" Nicky admitted.  
"No kidding!" Shane smiled as Nicky laughed. "Well, just think how good it'll be once the truth is out there. You won't have to hide anymore. Won't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing in front of the wrong person..."  
"You're right. It's just… I kinda wanted the truth to come out when we were ready. For it to have come from us, on our terms and no one else’s"   
"Well it's out there now... And from what I can tell, a lot of people don't care. Most fans seem torn between claiming 'knew it all along' and 'how dare the media out them?' A lot of people feel sorry for you but are happy"  
"How do you know all this?"  
"I wondered around the crowd of fans... I can blend in easily. I just pretended I had no idea what was going on. Lots of people were very helpful"

"Oh come on, lads" Bryan interrupted. "The fans have been spreading the 'Shnicky rumors' for years... And you've been encouraging them. They're eating this up. You should be looking for the group in the crowd that are going to start screaming 'told you so, told you so' as soon as the press conference is over"  
"Bryan's right" Kian added. "The fans have known about you two longer than you've known yourselves"  
"We should still brace ourselves for some backlash" Shane told them. "There's bound to be people out there who don't approve"  
"Who cares about them?" Bryan replied. "If they can't accept you, then we don't need to accept them"

Knock, knock!  
The door opened and Louis entered the room.  
"Everything okay in here, lads?" Louis asked.  
"As near as we're going to get today" Kian responded while Bryan and Nicky both nodded.  
"Well, we're going to start in ten minutes so you'll have to head downstairs in five"  
"Thanks, we'll be right down"  
"Actually, may I have a word with Shane and Nicky... In private?"

Mark and Jade were quick to leave the room, Bryan immediately followed. Kian nodded to his friends before leaving them alone with Louis. The door closed behind Kian and Louis turned to face the couple. Shane slipped his hand into Nicky's for support.

"It's not too late to issue a cover story" Louis began. "I know you must be very nervous. Unsure of how the fans will react or how your other friends will take the news. You both know the risks that are involved in taking a drastic step such as this one. Whatever you choose, the other lads are behind you. You have my support too. But I'm giving you this one last chance to change your minds"  
"We can't lie to the public, Louis" Nicky replied. "Keeping it to ourselves was one thing. But we can't go out there and tell an out-right lie. Shane and I are together and are going to be for a long, long time. It's time the rest of the world knew that"  
"We're not asking for anyone's permission to be happy together" Shane added. "We just want to be able to be ourselves. Nicky's a part of me now and I don't want to have to hide what I feel for him"  
"We're not crazy, Louis. We're not about to start snogging live on national television or convert all our songs to gay themes. We just want everyone to know that we're still the same people we always were. We just happen to love each other too"

Louis nodded. He smiled then embraced first Nicky and then Shane.  
"Good luck lads" he said to them.  
"Thanks Louis" Shane replied.

Louis opened the door and stepped outside. Nicky went to follow him but Shane gripped his hand and pulled him back, closing the door.

"Wha-?" Nicky began.

The blonde's protest was cut off by Shane's lips crushing his. The younger boy wrapped his arms around Nicky and held him close as their lips met in a loving kiss. They exchanged several quick pecks before separating. Nicky rested his forehead against Shane's and they stared into each other's eyes.

"Everything's going to change" Nicky told him.  
"No matter what happens out there," Shane began. "I love you, I'll always love you. You understand?"  
"Of course" the blonde smiled. "I'll love you forever too"

Shane took a deep breath and pulled away from Nicky.  
"Let's do this then" Shane stated before taking his lover's hand and leading him out the door.


	24. Chapter Twenty Three

Kian sat behind the wheel of his car. Shane was sitting, nervously, in the back seat accompanied by Nicky. The brunette was struggling to sit still and not fidget. His hands were busy tugging at his tie, which he felt was too tight, but each time he loosened it he feared it looked untidy so he'd tighten it once again.  
Eventually, Nicky reached out and took hold of Shane's hand. The younger boy stopped shifting uncomfortably and looked into his love's eyes.  
"I can't do this" Shane pleaded. "Please don't make me do it"  
"Shay" Nicky whispered. "No body is forcing you to do anything. But you're here because you need to be. Without you, there is no trial and those men will walk free. You don't have to do this but if you don't, they'll be put out on the street and be free to do it again..."

"To me... And you" Shane knew Nicky was right but that didn't stop him from feeling afraid. Shane nodded as he spoke. "I know but I'm scared. I don't want to do this"  
"Shane... I..." Nicky lightly stroked Shane's cheek. "I don't know what to say to you, babe. But you've made it this far..."  
"I can't do it"  
"Shhhh" Nicky reached out and wrapped his arm across the younger boy's shoulders.

Kian watched his friends in the mirror, and then he pulled the car into a deserted side street and stopped.

"Why are we stopping?" Shane asked him.  
"Thought I'd give you a minute" Kian admitted. "We're only a few blocks from the court house... I thought you could use a moment or two to brace yourself for the public"  
Shane nodded his thanks then opened the door and climbed out. He walked around behind the car and leaned back against the trunk, breathing in the cool morning air.

Nicky remained inside the car, staring at the clock. Kian watched his blonde band mate but didn't say anything. The older boy waited until three minutes had passed before following his fiancé. The brunette was leaning back against the car, his face buried in his hands. Nicky didn't say a word. He just walked up to the younger boy and wrapped his arms around him. He could feel the slight tremors in his lover's body but relief washed over him when he felt the trembling subside.

"I'm scared" Shane whispered.  
"I know" Nicky replied, kissing Shane's forehead.  
"But I can do this" Shane's voice, while shaking with nerves, was firm and determined.  
"Yes, you *can* do this babe" Nicky agreed. "I mean, we didn't think we could get through yesterday and here we are... Hugging out in public"  
"There's no 'public' here, Nix. It's a deserted street"  
"Good"

Nicky placed his hand on Shane's cheek and leaned in to kiss him. Shane wrapped his arms around Nicky's waist as their lips met in a gentle and comforting kiss. Shane closed his eyes and held Nicky to him, their bodies wrapped so perfectly around each other's. The younger boy didn't want the kiss to end.

The sound of the car horn blasted them apart. Both lads having, temporarily, forgotten that Kian was in the car waiting for them. As Nicky headed for the car, flipping Kian off as he walked, Shane grabbed his hand and pulled him back.  
"Shay" Nicky began, staring into his hazel eyes. "We don't want to be late"

"I need you to promise me something" Shane whispered.  
"Anything Shay"  
"Promise me you'll leave the room when I take to the stand"  
"What?"  
Nicky was shocked by Shane's sudden request. As he looked at his lover, he knew the younger boy was being completely serious.  
"Please Nicky?"  
"Shane, I can't leave you. Not when you need me the most"  
"But I, I won't be able to... To say what I have to say if I can see you and... And know you can hear me"  
"But... Shay... I don't understand. What did they do to you that you can't tell me about?"  
"I'm sorry, Nix. I... I should have told you before but I couldn't and... And maybe I won't have to say anything today but, I, I don't want to see your reaction when I'm telling a room full of strangers. When I tell you, I want it to be just you and me... When I'm ready to tell just you"

Nicky reluctantly nodded. He could see the fear in Shane's eyes. His lover was clearly still in pain from his ordeal and Nicky couldn't blame him. It hurt him to think Shane was prepared to tell a group of strangers something he couldn't bring himself to share with Nicky.  
Shane took Nicky's hand in his and silently prayed his love understood. He knew Nicky loved and trusted him and that, by keeping all the details of his abduction a secret, he was hurting his lover. Shane wanted to believe he was doing this for Nicky. That he was saving the blonde from having to hear how bad it had been for him. But the truth, Shane felt, was his own selfishness. He didn't want to have to see the look in Nicky's eyes when he learned what Shane had had to endure.  
Nicky squeezed Shane's hand then quickly bought their lips together. They shared a brief caress before separating and climbing back into the car. Neither of them spoke as Kian started the car and pulled the vehicle back onto the main road.

Kian caught a quick glimpse of his friends in the mirror. Shane seemed less nervous and wasn't squirming as much but Nicky looked like a child who'd just been told Christmas had been cancelled. He wanted to ask what had caused Nicky's change of mood but decided to keep his mouth shut. Something had obviously happened between his two friends and now wasn't the time to question it.  
By the time Kian parked the car, Nicky looked like he was fighting back tears while Shane was as white as a ghost. The younger blonde silently hoped this would be a very short trial. 

*****

Following their decision from the previous night, Kian parked around the corner from the court house and they all climbed out, ready to approach and enter through the front door. They'd had the option of sneaking in the back but Shane's lawyer, Ryan, had told him to put on a brave front and face the media. Even if he couldn't bring himself to say anything to the press, he'd been advised to 'show them you're not afraid'.  
Shane almost smiled at those words. He was supposed to show the word he wasn't afraid when, deep down, he was terrified.

*****

A large group of photographers, reporters and fans had converged outside, blocking their path to the door. Kian took the lead and headed for the group of fans, smiling and making small talk with them. Shane and Nicky followed his lead and tried to pretend the press weren't there. Nicky was in the process of signing an autograph for a fan when he heard someone address Shane.  
"So, Filan, have you two fucked yet?" a male voice taunted Shane. "Coz I reckon Blondie here would be hot in the sack"  
Nicky felt Shane's body tense before Kian snapped back with a smart retort. The voice didn't speak again but Nicky knew he needed to get Shane out of the line of fire before anyone else could start in on them.  
With a genuine smile at the fans, Nicky slid his arm around Shane's waist (a couple of fans cheered at the sweet sight) and he began to lead him inside.  
"Good luck, Shane" a few people called out.

Kian lingered with the fans for a while longer. Several of them asked questions which he tried to avoid answering. He broke away from them when he was Shane's parents arrive.  
"Peter" Kian greeted them. "Mae"  
He shook hands with Peter and gave Mae a brief hug. He'd known Shane's parents most of his life and hated seeing them under these circumstances.

"Shane's inside" Kian told them. "Nicky's with him"  
"Of course" Mae smiled.  
"Why don't you go ahead, love?" Peter said to his wife. She nodded.  
"I'll see you both inside" She walked away, leaving Peter with Kian.  
"Is everything all right?" Kian asked him.  
"We saw the press conference yesterday" Peter began. He then sighed and took a deep breath. "I trust you, Kian. You've been a good friend to Shane (both you and Mark). But I just want to know... Need to know, is my son okay? This trial aside, is he doing okay? I know he puts on a brave face for the media (and for us too) but is he all right?"  
"I honestly can't tell you because I don't know" Kian admitted, not only to Peter but himself too.  
"Kian?"

"You know how they say 'that what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger?' Well, if that were true, then Shane would be invincible by now. Shane's strong and he doesn't give up easily... I honestly believe he'll get through this *relatively unscathed*. As long as he has Nicky by his side, he'll do all he can to get through this. For him"  
"So... You're saying he's not doing this for himself but because he wants to make Nicky happy?"  
"I'm saying he's not going to fight... Unless he has something to fight for"  
"Nicky?"  
"I don't think Shane would have made it this far without him. They've both seen each other through this and I believe [hope] that once this is over, they'll finally be able to move on. Together"

Peter didn't speak again. Instead he embraced Kian as a father would for a son.  
"You're a good friend to him, Kian"  
"Thank you"


	25. Chapter Twenty Four

Shane reached out and gripped Nicky's hand. The older boy offered a reassuring smile as they entered the courtroom. Nicky had never been inside a courtroom before. He'd never wanted to be in one (and still didn't). Shane was now clutching his hand so tightly that it was almost painful... But Nicky didn't really mind. It was Shane's way of communicating with him.  
The couple headed for the front of the room as Kian and Shane's parents sat down in the front row. Shane was staring intently at his parents, watching his father put his arm around his mother. He allowed Nicky to take the lead and followed him without any objection. The blonde immediately noticed his lover had zoned out. He was surprised that Shane could tune out at a time like this but he forced himself to hold back a smile. His Shane was still present (for the moment). They both stopped when they reached the front of the room, pausing in front of Shane's lawyer, Ryan.  
As Nicky released Shane's hand to greet Ryan with a handshake, the younger boy began to panic. He felt Nicky's hand leave his and he retaliated by gripping Nicky's upper arm. Nicky looked at Shane with a heavy heart. The brunette had snapped so quickly. One minute he'd zoned out (like his usual self) but the next, he was clinging to Nicky as though his life depended on it.

"It's okay" Nicky whispered, covering Shane's hand with his.  
He didn't miss the look of fear that plagued Shane's hazel eyes.  
Ryan offered a reassuring smile and reached out to take Shane's hand. The brunette began to imagine every set of eyes in the room focusing on him and he knew he needed to be strong. He took a deep breath and clasped Ryan's hand.

"It'll all be over soon" Ryan assured them both.  
Shane's eyes rested on the desk they were to occupy and he was relieved to see three chairs. One for Ryan, one for himself and the third chair was for Nicky. Shane had insisted to Ryan that Nicky be by his side at all times and he was glad that Ryan had accommodated for that.

The lawyer nodded to them then indicated for them to take a seat. Nicky led Shane over to the table and they both sat down. Nicky reached across the table and took hold of Shane's hand. The brunette cast him a nervous smile then focused on staring at the table top. Nicky took this moment to look around the court room. He nodded to Shane's parents who had since been joined by his own parents and sister, Gillian. Behind them was Bryan and Kerry along with Georgina and her sister Cecelia.  
Nicky was both grateful and nervous by all the support Shane had. He knew Gina and her sister had come to show their strong friendship to Nicky but the blonde was worried how Shane would feel, having to reveal an intimate and personal trauma to the court. He wasn't certain which Shane would find harder... Telling a room full of strangers or a room full of family and friends.

Cecelia smiled at Nicky and he nodded his thanks to the girls. His eyes continued to scan the room and he nodded to one of Shane's brother's then Kian's cousin, Gillian. He felt a slight pain when he realized Mark wasn't there.

As though reading his mind, Shane spoke.  
"He's not here" Shane whispered. "Is he?"  
"Do you want him to be?" Nicky replied.  
Shane shrugged.  
"How bad do you think this is gonna be?"  
"I don't know" Nicky slipped his arm around Shane's shoulder and he pressed their foreheads together. "But I'm here for you. No matter what"  
"I know" Shane smiled.  
"Shane?" Ryan spoke up, interrupting the couple. "Sorry but... We're ready to begin"

*-*-*-*-*

That night, if someone had asked Nicky what had happened in the courtroom that day he wouldn't have been able to tell them. As Shane lay on their bed, lost in his own pain, Nicky continued to worry about him.  
"What can we do for him, Ki?" Nicky asked.  
The two blonde singers were in the backyard. Kian was nursing a cup of coffee while Nicky was chewing on his own cuticle. Kian reached out and pulled Nicky's hand away from his mouth. Not sure of what to do with his hands, Nicky folded them in his lap.

"I don't think there *is* anything we can do" Kian hated to admit.  
"I... I hate seeing him in so much pain"  
"Me too. I mean, God... When he completely lost it and you had to carry him from the room... I swear I wanted to go running after you. Wanted to find some way to magically fix everything. Because he looked so..."  
"Lost?"  
"Un-Shane-Like"  
"Yeah" Nicky slowly nodded. "He did"  
"What happened exactly?"  
"I don't know" Nicky admitted.  
"Did he say anything to you? Once you were outside, I mean"  
"Not really... Not at first. But then... All he said was 'don't make me go back in there' and he just kept saying it over and over"  
"God... What did you say? I mean, he came back in"  
"I didn't say or do anything. He just suddenly snapped out of it and was totally normal again. He stood up, took my hand and pulled me back into the room"  
"He needs help, Nicky"  
"I know. And he's seeing Kat tomorrow afternoon. She'll be in court to testify... Something about the jury needing to know about his mental state"

"Yeah well... Some people still think it's a publicity stunt" Kian said before having a mouthful of his coffee.  
"Why?" Nicky shook his head. "Why would anyone think that?"  
"I don't know... Guess it's been a slow news week. But at least they're being nice about your relationship with him"  
"Yeah... Well we'll just have to wait and see what happens with that one. It'll be a different story when we're in the middle of a concert and people start throwing things at us"  
"That’s not gonna happen... The fans wouldn't do that to you. Besides, it's not like the two of you would start making out on stage or anything"  
"Maybe not but... I'm not fooling myself into thinking that 'everyone' is okay with it. There are some weird and crazy people out there"  
"No kidding... I hadn't noticed"

Kian had been trying to make a joke but neither one of them was in a laughing mood. They looked at each other and both fell silent. If there weren't any weird, sick or crazy people in the world then none of this would be happening to them, or more importantly, Shane right now.

"I'm scared, Ki" Nicky whispered.  
"Nicky" Kian reached out and placed his hand on Nicky's shoulder.  
"I can't lose him Ki. I don't want to lose him... Not now, not ever and not like this"  
Kian wanted so badly to reassure him but, the truth was, he was scared too.

*****

Nicky slowly made his way up the stairs and knocked on the door to their bedroom. When he didn't hear a reply, he pushed the door open and went inside. Shane was curled up, on his side, on top on the duvet. He wasn't moving.  
"Shay?" Nicky softly called to him.  
The brunette didn't move or make any indication of hearing his lover.

The blonde was slow in his approach, wanting to give Shane plenty of time to say if he preferred to be left alone. By the time Nicky reached their bed, the younger boy still hadn't moved an inch.  
"Shay?" Nicky whispered again.  
He sat down on the bed, crossed his legs beneath him and looked at his love with concern in his eyes. He told himself not to touch the brunette from fear of startling him.  
"Babe?" he continued. "Can I get you something?"  
Still Shane didn't reply.  
"I know it was a rough day for you" Nicky said. "And I can't even begin to imagine what you must be thinking or feeling right now. But I..." Nicky smiled then laughed at himself for what he had been about to say. "Ha ha ha... I was just going to say that I wanted you to know that I'm here for you if you need me... But you obviously already know that. So I don't need to say it... I just..." Nicky sighed. "I have no idea what to say to you right now"

It pained Nicky to have to say those words to Shane. The younger boy was suffering and Nicky had no idea how to help him. The blonde nervously ran his fingers through his hair, not caring how badly he ruffled it up, and he shook his head.

"Shane..." Nicky whispered. "I'm scared"  
He knew he had to be honest with the brunette... Especially right now.  
"I'm scared for you and for me. I want to help you but you won't talk to me. You haven't said one word since we left the court today..." Nicky sighed. "The court... God, today at that court house... I've never seen you like that before and it frightened me because it made me realize that I can't help you. There's nothing I can do for you right now because you won't let me! This is your pain that you're suffering and you won't let me in, you won't share it with me. You're forcing yourself to suffer alone! But if I... If I could somehow extract it from you and... And suffer this pain for you... I would! I'd do it in a heartbeat! You know that, right?"

The younger boy finally began to move. At first, he hadn't even realized Nicky was in the room with him. He'd been too lost in his own thoughts and memories that he'd forgotten what room he was even in.  
Then, somehow, Nicky's familiar voice had seeped through the fog surrounding his brain and he had suddenly become aware of Nicky's presence. He slowly rolled over and looked up at the blonde.  
Nicky was sitting cross-legged on the bed beside him. He was staring down at his hands... Which were fidgeting in his lap. Tears were glistening in his eyes but they were yet to reach his cheeks.

"But I wouldn't want you to" Shane finally spoke. His voice was low, hoarse, having not been used for several hours.  
"Shay" Nicky looked up, his eyes met Shane's and he quickly blinked away his unshed tears.  
"I can't explain how I'm feeling right now... But I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, least of all you"

Nicky reached out to stroke the younger boy's cheek. But Shane caught his hand in his before he could make contact. Shane then slid his fingers through Nicky's, entwining their hands together. The blonde noticed Shane's hand was shaking but he didn't say anything about it.

"You want me to bring you something?" Nicky asked him again. "You haven't had anything all day"  
Shane shook his head.  
"Shane"  
"No! I don't want anything from you"

Shane pulled his hand away from Nicky's and rolled over, turning his back on the blonde. Nicky stared at Shane's back in surprise. The younger boy had, again, shifted so quickly. He was finding Shane's erratic behavior so infuriating. But he forced himself to remain calm.  
Today was only the beginning and Nicky feared how much worse Shane was going to get. He mentally reasoned with himself. One erratic and confused Shane was worth putting up with [for a few days], if it meant getting his Shane back permanently once with was all over.

He slowly moved away from Shane and climbed off the bed. He hated walking away from him but if Shane wanted to be left alone then Nicky would respect that. With one final look at Shane's still form, Nicky left the room, closing the door behind him.


	26. Chapter Twenty Five

Some time later, Shane finally became aware of how dark the room around him had become. The sun had set hours ago and he was now surrounded by darkness. He blinked several times and looked at the digital clock. It was past 3am and Nicky still hadn't come to bed.  
Feeling even worse about pushing the older boy away earlier, Shane climbed off the bed and left the room. He wandered down the dark hallway and spotted a dim light coming from the base of the stairs. Moving slowly, careful not to trip, he made his way down the stair case and paused. The light he had seen was coming from the Living room. He knew it had to be Nicky as both himself and Kian still hadn't been back in there since witnessing Nicky's abduction from that room.

Shane remained frozen at the base of the stairs. He wanted to go in there but he was nervous about it.  
'It's dark' he told himself. 'So you won't be able to see anything'  
He took a deep breath and stepped up to the doorway. Nicky was curled up on the couch, hugging a pillow to his chest and staring intently at the television.  
The brunette softly knocked on the doorframe, worried a sudden intrusion could scare the older boy. Nicky looked up at Shane but didn't say anything.

"You're up late" Shane said to him. Nicky shrugged then returned his attention to the screen.  
"Are you going to come to bed?"  
Again, Nicky shrugged his shoulders.  
"Nicky..."

Shane walked into the room and stopped beside the couch. Nicky absently waved his arm, trying to brush Shane's concern for him aside.  
"You don't want anything from me anyway..." Nicky whispered.  
"No" Shane replied instantly. "I swear, I didn't mean it like that"

He dropped down on the couch beside the blonde and placed his hand on Nicky's knee. The older boy didn't fail to notice the tension which had filled Shane's body the moment he'd sat on the couch.

"Shane... Shane what's wrong?" Nicky asked; his voice laced with concern for his love.  
"Nothing I... I'm sorry about before" Shane told him. "I... I shouldn't have pushed you away..."  
"No, you shouldn't have. I'm lost enough as it is without you holding back. You promised to talk to me. We agreed on no more secrets"  
"Can we please leave this room?"  
Nicky blinked at Shane's random request.  
"Why?" Nicky asked.  
"Please?"  
"Shane, Why? I mean, talk to me!"

Nicky could hear the plea in his voice but he didn't care. The brunette was already on his feet. Shane wanted to stay and fight this but he knew he wasn't ready. He needed to get out. He could feel Nicky's worried eyes on him but he didn't have time to explain. It was easy for the blonde; he didn't remember what had happened to him in this room.  
"Shane!" Nicky practically shouted at the younger boy.  
"We're moving, Nicky. We're selling this place and moving"  
"What?" Nicky couldn't keep the confusion from his voice. "You love this house... When we bought it, you said you couldn't imagine living anywhere else"  
"We're going! The sooner the better"  
He turned his back on Nicky and headed for the door.  
"Shane?" Nicky called. "Don't do this! Please don't leave me"

Shane froze mid-step, his mind taking him back to the last time Nicky had pleaded those words to him. When he, Shane, had been about to run out of Nicky's hospital room instead of telling him the truth about his amnesia. He slowly turned around and looked at Nicky. The older boy was still sitting on the couch, his worried face illuminated by the light of the television screen.  
Shane's breath caught in his throat and he choked back a sob. Nicky was still so vulnerable and innocent to what had happened. Not just to what had transpired in this room or his own kidnapping but also to the finer details of Shane's ordeal.

Without thinking, Shane swept across the room and took Nicky into his arms. The blonde didn't flinch or react in any way to Shane's affection. He remained stoic but also concerned. Shane's erratic behavior was scaring him more and more... More than he'd like to admit.  
"I'm sorry" Shane whispered. "I'm sorry about everything. For all this..."  
"Shane, none of this is your fault" Nicky said. "All of this was done to you... You... You're just... Reacting to something you've had no control over"  
"But I keep shutting you out and *that is* my fault"  
"I'm here for you, one hundred and ten percent... So, talk to me, Shane! You're scaring me"  
"I'm so sorry... I, I don't mean to"  
"So talk to me" Nicky tried again. Shane shook his head.  
"The less you know, the better" Shane insisted.

"No!" Nicky argued. "The less I know, the more upset I'm going to be"  
"Nicky..."  
"I mean it, Shane! When you begged for me to come back, we agreed No More Secrets"

"About your kidnapping, not mine!" Shane argued.  
Nicky shrank back, feeling as he'd been slapped in the face. Shane had snapped so quickly and Nicky hadn't seen it coming. He looked at the younger boy in disbelief and disappointment.

"Is that really how you want this to be?" Nicky replied, his voice flat and lifeless. "Putting on a brave face for the public, me holding your hand and supporting you... While you give me nothing in return!"  
"Then leave, Nicky!"  
"Shane?"  
"I'm not forcing you to stay here with me"  
"What?"  
Both lads were on the brink of shouting but they continued.  
"There's the door, you know how to use it"  
"Shane!"  
"I may not be able to do this without you, but I'll make myself do it if you want to leave"  
"I... Shay... What?"  
"You say I'm holding back, I am! Because I want to. I don't want you to know what I went through... Not yet anyway... And I don't have to tell you. But if you can't accept that, you don't have to be here"  
"Shane, I love you... That's why I'm here. I'm here because I want to be. You need me as much as I need you... And... Don't you dare try and throw this back on me!"  
"Don't try and make this about you"  
"It is about me... It's about you not trusting me enough to let me in"  
"I don't have to and you can't make me"  
"Okay, I can't... But by doing this, you're only making this harder"  
"You're the one making it harder, Nicky. Not me!"  
"That's fucking bullshit, Shane!"

The Living room light flicked on, blinding the couple and they both flinched.  
Kian was standing in the doorway, staring at his friends with a look of sadness and disbelief on his face. He slowly folded his arms across his chest and looked at them, expectantly, waiting for one of them to speak. Neither of them dared to break the uneasy silence.

"I'm tired" Kian began. "And you're both pissing me off!"  
Nicky and Shane exchanged a look before turning their full attention to Kian. The younger boy wasn't impressed with them but Nicky was surprised to see something else behind Kian's eyes. It was the same unease that he'd seen in Shane a few minutes ago.  
"What's going on here?" Nicky asked Kian.  
"I was just about to ask the two of you that same question" Kian replied. "For a couple who are so in love, you sure fight a lot"  
"That's not what I meant..."  
"Shane... Nicky is worried about you. We all are. And if you want to keep us in the dark, fine. But don't shut him out. You need him right now... And he still needs you. Now, I don't want to hear another word about one of you leaving or kicking the other out. It's been a long, exhausting day and you're both mentally fucked. You're tired and saying things that you don't mean"  
Nicky opened his mouth to protest but Kian continued.  
"I'm going back to bed... The only reason I got up was to talk sense into you... Maybe clip you over the ear but you're uh..." Kian sighed. "You both seem a little calmer already. You both just need to get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be an even longer day"

Both Shane and Nicky nodded. Kian turned to leave.  
"Ki?" Nicky began. The younger boy stopped.  
"Thanks" Shane finished. Kian nodded and turned the light off, leaving them with just the glow from the television.

"Do you really want me to go?" Nicky asked, breaking the silence.  
"No" Shane replied. "Do you... Do you want to leave me?"  
"No"  
Shane placed his hand on Nicky's arm, not sure of what to say to him.

"Was this where it happened?" Nicky asked his voice low.  
"Where what happened?" Shane asked.  
"You said they... They tied you and Ki up then threatened to hurt me... It happened in here, didn't it?"  
Shane nodded then realized Nicky couldn't see him through the darkness.  
"Yes"  
"I couldn't remember which room you said..."  
"They tied us up on the couch... Tobey dragged you into the room. And you... You looked so scared but there was nothing I could do for you. I couldn't help you. Then, when he kissed you... I wanted to kill him"

"And Ki?"  
"No, I didn't want to kill Kian"

Nicky smiled.  
"I meant... He saw it all too. He was just as helpless. Has he... Talked about it?"  
"Not to me"  
"He wouldn't even step inside the door. Wouldn't look at anything but you or me. Has he been in here since it happened?"  
"Once... We were all in here. Bry & Kerry, Mark & Jade... Then someone threw a rock in the window"  
"What?"  
"It was Tobey or Kane. That's when they left those photos of... The photo's I showed you, on the porch. They were just trying to get our attention"  
"Oh"  
"But I don't think he's been in here since then"  
"Have you?"  
"No... Only now and because you're in here"  
"That's why you want to move, isn't it?"  
"Yes"  
"Oh Shay... You're going to let one bad memory erase all the good ones we have here?"

Shane didn't reply. He knew Nicky was right. They'd lived in the house long enough to build a sentimental attachment. Not to mention many happy nights spent together in front of the television.  
"I proposed to you in this room" Shane confessed.  
"We made love for the first time..." Nicky added.  
"Not in here"  
"In this house"  
"You don't remember it"  
"Some day I will"  
"You don't want to move" Shane stated.  
"No, I don't. But I will, if you need to" Nicky admitted.

"Am I being irrational?" Shane asked.  
"Not really" Nicky told him. "I mean, I understand but... Let's not make any life-altering decisions right now"  
Shane nodded.  
"Will you come to bed now?" Shane asked the older boy.  
"You... Want me to?" Nicky replied.  
Shane wrapped his arms around Nicky and rested his head on the blonde's shoulder.

"I need you, Nicky" Shane whispered. "So much that it scares me sometimes"  
"Me too" Nicky replied before pulling away and lightly kissing Shane's forehead. "Come on" he continued then reached out and took a hold of his hand. "Let's go to bed"


	27. Chapter Twenty Six

The following morning, Shane awoke before Nicky. He smiled as the sun light seeped through a small gap in the curtains and cast a faint glow on Nicky's sleeping face. The younger boy hoisted himself up onto his elbows and looked down at his blonde lover. He reached out and lightly stroked his fingers along Nicky's cheek. The blonde stirred but continued sleeping. Shane smiled again then leaned down and kissed Nicky's forehead. 

Shane reluctantly climbed out of bed and quietly slipped out of the room. He made his way down to the Kitchen and proceeded to make some coffee. He took a seat at the table, clutching the mug in his two hands and took a moment to stare off into space.

A few minutes later, Kian entered the room. He didn't say a word to the older boy. Instead, he crossed the room and poured himself a cup of coffee. When he was finished, he took a seat next to Shane at the table. The two singers then proceeded to drink their coffee in silence. Neither one of them spoke but they occasionally caught each other's gaze.  
Shane was the first to move. He stood up and placed his empty coffee mug in the sink. He sighed but still didn't speak. Kian watched him then opened his mouth to speak. He didn't really know what to say.

"I'm sorry I went off at you this morning" Kian told him. Shane turned around and looked at him.  
"I'm sorry we woke you" Shane replied.  
"It's none of my business but... Are you two okay?"  
"For now, yeah but..."  
"But?"  
"We're not the same anymore, Ki. We've changed so much and... And we just keep fighting. And I think it's getting worse"  
"You're under a lot of stress. You both are. This'll all blow over soon and everything will be normal again"  
"Nicky and I were never normal"  
"But you were close... And you will be again"  
"I hope so, Ki. I mean, what the hell has gotten into me? I was ready to throw him out the front door... And I think he was ready to walk"  
"That would never happen and you know it"  
Shane nodded.  
"Shane, every couple argues and fights. No relationship is perfect. And deep down, either one of you wouldn't hesitate to give their lives for the other. What you and Nicky have is real and it's going to last"  
"Yeah, I know"

"Why don't you go see what's taking Nicky so long and I'll get us some breakfast?" Kian spoke up.  
"You sure?" Shane asked.  
"If you'd rather get breakfast..."  
"Right... I'll go wake Nicky"  
"Something tells me he'd rather be woken up by you then me"  
"After last night... I wouldn't be so sure..."

*-*-*-*-*

Shane slowly pushed open the bedroom door then stopped, taking in the sight of his sleeping fiancé. He really didn't want to wake him. He looked so peaceful and at ease but Shane knew Nicky would be mad if he went to court without him. The brunette leaned against the door frame and smiled to himself as he watched his lover sleep.

He knew he'd have to tell Nicky the truth... Sooner rather than later. But he'd made up his mind. He decided that if he did tell Nicky the details of his kidnapping [before he had to reveal them in court] then he would still have him leave the court room. Shane felt his love shouldn't have to hear it more than once or be subjected to the looks everyone in the court would give him. He could already picture the entire room waiting to see Nicky's reaction.

Shane entered the room and climbed onto the bed beside Nicky. He thought back to their argument of the previous night and his heart skipped a beat. He hated fighting with Nicky... But he knew there'd be more arguments to come. He reached out to touch him but he stopped. His eyes had suddenly filled with tears and he didn't want Nicky to see him crying first thing in the morning.  
He hurriedly wiped his eyes and tried to compose himself. But his hand was still trembling as he gently touched the blonde's shoulder. The older boy stirred briefly but continued sleeping. Shane held back a smile and tried again.

"Nicky?" Shane whispered.  
"Sleeping..." the blonde replied.  
"I know but it's time to get up... Ki's making breakfast"

The blonde was awake in an instant. He immediately sat up opposite Shane and placed his hand on the brunette's knee.  
"Shane... What's wrong?" Nicky asked.  
"Nothing" Shane lied too quickly.  
"You've been crying"  
"It's... Nothing. Really"

 

"You were thinking about us, weren't you?"  
"How did you...?"  
"I was too"  
"Oh"

"Last night" Nicky explained. "After you went to sleep... I stayed up, thinking about what we'd said to each other"  
"I'm sorry" Shane placed his hand on top of Nicky's and looked into the blonde's eyes. "Really sorry"   
"Me too"  
"How did you know...? I mean... that..."  
"Because I know you" Nicky smiled. "And because you tried to hide it from me. Whenever you get upset about what you went through (or what happened to me) you have a look about you... And aren't afraid to show me those tears"

"I nearly threw you out, Nicky" Shane stated.  
"And I nearly let you" Nicky replied.  
"Would you? If Kian hadn't stopped us... Would you have gone?"

They both stared at each other for a long time. Nicky thinking over Shane's question and Shane waiting anxiously for Nicky's response.  
"I already left you once, I don't think I could do it again" Nicky admitted.  
Shane nodded.  
"Would you have come after me again?" Nicky asked him.  
"You know I would"

"So why do we keep doing it...?" Nicky wondered.  
"Because we're both scared? I kept hoping that the less you knew the better off you would be. But I hate keeping secrets from you. So if we're fighting or mad at each other, I'm not as tempted to share things with you... So I won't be tempted to tell you things I don't want you to know [yet]"  
"I get it... But you keep things from me and suffer on your own because of it. You don't have to do this alone. I'm here for you. I'm always going to be here for you"  
"Nicky... I came so close to losing you"  
"But you didn't"  
"I could have"  
"But you didn't"

They continued to stare at each other until Nicky reached out and brushed his hand across Shane's cheek.  
"We can get through this" Nicky told him.  
Shane nodded and gently kissed the palm of Nicky's hand.  
"But Shane... Please?" Nicky whispered a hint of desperation in his otherwise calm voice. "I want to know what happened to you. I need to know what they did"  
"No... You don't"  
"Please, Shay... What did they do to you that was so bad, you can't even tell me?"  
Shane slowly shook his head, blinking back fresh tears.

"You saw what they did to me... What I went through" Nicky continued. "Why can't I know what happened to you?"  
"I don't like to talk about it, Nicky" Shane confessed.  
"But you'd only have to say it once"  
"I'm not ready for you to know"  
"Why, babe?"  
Tears had formed in Nicky's eyes but the older boy made no attempt to hide or remove them.  
"I'm not proud of... What I had to do. What they made me do"  
"It wasn't your fault. You don't have to be 'proud', you just need to tell me"  
"I will, Nicky. I promise you"

Shane leaned forward resting his forehead against Nicky's. He wrapped his arms around the older boy and held him as close and tightly as he could.  
"I promise" Shane whispered, tears spilling down his cheeks. "When I'm ready to say it, when I'm ready for you to know... I'll tell you"  
"I love you" Nicky voice was barely louder than a whisper. Shane wasn't sure if the blonde had said it or just thought it.

"I just need time" Shane told him.  
"It's been months, Shay" Nicky replied.  
"I know and I'd been going to tell you but then everything else happened and..."

"Why us?" Nicky asked as he pulled away from Shane. "Why does it always seem to be us?"  
"You know what the world is like, once you have something... You have to fight to keep it"  
"Am I worth fighting for?"  
Shane smiled, a small laugh playing across his lips.  
"Nicky, you are absolutely worth fighting for"

 

The brunette leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Nicky's lips.  
"Once this trial is over, everything will fall into place" Shane told him. "I'll be able to put it all behind me and focus on you. I know you must hate not remembering that week but I'll find a way to make it up to you... Then we can get out on the road, touring and performing... I can't wait to watch you onstage, the way you work the crowd... The way all those fans gaze adoringly at you"   
"Not anymore they won't" Nicky interrupted. "Now that they know I'd rather be in your bed then theirs"  
"That doesn't matter... They'll still love you, as long as you stay as sexy as ever, they'll adore you"

Nicky smirked. Shane reached down and held his lover's hand, brushing his finger across Nicky's engagement ring.

"Then we can start thinking about setting a date..." Shane suggested. "We'll have an engagement party and start looking for places to hold the ceremony"

"Yeah..." Nicky began, slowly pulling his hand away from Shane. "About that..."  
"Nicky?" Shane asked. "You still want to marry me?"  
"Of course... Nothing would make me happier but..."  
"But?"  
"But I have to put my foot down about one thing"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I have a condition... I love you and want to marry you. I will marry you, some day in the future. But there's one thing you have to do for me first"  
"What is it?"  
"You may not like it and maybe I'm pushing this on you too soon but I have to say this and it's totally up to you if you do it or not but..."  
"If I do it or not?"  
"Shane, before I will agree to any wedding plans of any kind... You have to forgive Mark"


	28. Chapter Twenty Seven

Shane slowly pulled his hand away from Nicky's and stared at the blonde. They stared at each other, Shane's eyes searching Nicky's for any kind of hint that he was joking. The brunette could see his lover was serious. He slowly shook his head before looking away.

"I can't do that, Nicky" Shane told him.  
"Yes, you can" Nicky replied.  
"I'm sorry... You're asking too much right now"

The younger boy shook his head again before climbing off the bed. Without turning around, he said  
"I'll see you downstairs"

Nicky watched Shane disappear out the bedroom door then he lay back down on the bed and sighed. He knew he'd asked Shane too soon but he'd needed to say it. The brunette needed to be told to do it or he wouldn't. Nicky knew Shane was hurt by Mark's confession but he also knew, deep down, that it wasn't Mark's fault. Nicky knew Mark needed Shane's forgiveness before he could forgive himself.

"Come on, Shay" Nicky whispered. "You can do this"

*-*-*-*-*

Kian was surprised when Shane returned a few minutes later. The older boy was deep in thought when he entered the Kitchen and set down at the table. The blonde wasn't sure if he should say something or leave him be. Finally, curiosity got the better of him.

"Y'all right, Shane?" Kian spoke up.  
The older boy continued to stare off into space. Kian smiled and went about with breakfast.  
When Nicky appeared, some time later, neither one of them looked at the other. The younger boy watched his house mates with a heavy heart. He couldn't wait for this trial to be over and for everything to get back to normal.

"So... All ready for today?" Kian asked. Nicky shrugged and Shane stared at his own hands.  
Kian bought the plates to the table and placed one in front of Shane. He handed one to Nicky and set down with one for himself. Nicky stood up and went to the refrigerator to get juice.  
"I'm not hungry" Shane finally spoke. He stood up and left the room.  
Kian watched him go before turning and looking at Nicky. The older boy was staring at the floor.

"What did you do?" Kian asked Nicky. His voice was gentle. He almost sounded amused, which was a good thing as he didn't want Nicky to think he was blaming him for Shane's behavior.  
Nicky sighed.  
"I... Uh... We were talking about Wedding plans..." Nicky admitted.  
"You didn't change your mind-" Kian began.  
"No! I, um, I kinda told him that I wouldn't marry him until he forgave Mark"  
"Oh... You didn't!"  
"I did"

"Nicky! Why would you do that?" Kian demanded.  
"Well someone had to say it" Nicky stated. "Shane's pissed at Mark [And with good reason]. He's not going to forgive him anytime soon"  
"But you can't force him"  
"I'm not forcing him... Just giving him incentive"  
"Nicky"  
"It's not like we're supposed to marry tomorrow and he has to forgive him right now. When Shane and I marry... It'll be next year at the earliest. So, Shane's got plenty of time. I was just putting it out there, so he knows that it's something he's going to have to do... You know?"  
"You could have at least waited until after this was over"  
"I know... But it just seemed like the right time. I want him to forgive Mark and I'm not going to keep that a secret. I have every intention of making sure they patch this up"  
"But this isn't the kind of thing you can just fix overnight"  
"I know!"

"He needs to eat something" Kian said, changing the subject.  
"When he's ready, he'll come back in here" Nicky told him.  
"It'll be cold then"  
"So take it to him"  
"Me? You're the one who upset him"  
"You're the one who doesn't want him eating cold breakfast"

Kian scowled at Nicky before picking up Shane's plate and leaving the room with it.

*-*-*-*-*

Kian found Shane in the Study. He was sitting at the desk, a folder open on the desk in front of him and he was biting one of his nails. Kian knocked on the door before entering. He placed the plate on the desk and smiled at Shane.

"Are you okay?" Kian asked him.  
Shane shrugged.  
"I bought your breakfast. You really should eat something. Another long day of court ahead of you"  
"Yeah... Thanks Ki"  
"So... Kat's on the stand today?"  
Shane nodded.  
"And me?"  
"Maybe... I don't know. Ryan wants me to testify, get the jury on my side from an early stage but he also wants to wait... He's hopeful that if enough other people testify, then I might not have to take the stand at all"  
"Well... If my speaking keeps you off that stand, I'll do it"  
"I know... Thank you"

Kian nodded then turned to leave. He paused just inside the door.  
"Shane?" Kian asked.  
"Yeah?" Shane replied.  
"Don't be mad at Nicky... He means well"  
"I'm not mad at him, Ki. Just... Annoyed. I think he's asking too much too soon"  
"I think he's been pretty considerate up until now"  
"Well no one asked you

Neither one of them spoke at that. Kian looked at his friend with sadness in his eyes. He knew Shane was under a lot of stress and pressure but that was no excuse to be rude.  
"Nicky and I are leaving in twenty minutes" Kian told him.  
Then Kian left the room and closed the door behind him

*-*-*-*-*

Their arrival at the court house was similar to the previous day. News reporters, photographers and fans lined the street. Despite the tension between Shane and Nicky, the younger boy reached for the blonde's hand and Nicky held it tightly. Camera's flashed in their faces but they just nodded or otherwise took no notice. Shane held his head high as he walked behind Kian and beside Nicky up the steps into the court house. Once inside and away from prying eyes, he pulled Nicky to him and held him in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry" Shane whispered in Nicky's ear.  
"Me too" Nicky replied.

They quickly separated but Shane immediately took Nicky's hand again. They continued through the halls and into the crowded room. They were amongst the last to arrive and Shane nodded to his parents as they walked through the room. He also nodded to Nicky's mother and father before taking his seat beside Ryan. Nicky sat down beside him and continued to hold his hand.

Several awkward minutes passed as other people entered the room. There were murmurs all around them but neither one of them listened. They didn't speak to each other for neither of them knew what to say. Nicky took a moment to look around the room. The same familiar faces of his family and friends were all staring back at him... With the exception of Mark, Jade & Bobby. All three of them were unaccounted for. He wanted to ask Shane if he knew where they were but he wasn't sure if he should bring up the subject of Mark again.

The Garda stepped forward and asked everyone to stand as the judge entered the room. When everyone had taken their seats again, Nicky felt Shane's hold on his hand tighten and he gently stroked the back of Shane's palm with his fingers. Shane placed his other hand on the table. He picked up a pen and scrawled a notepad. He pushed the page across the desk for Nicky to read it.

'I'm sorry' Nicky read. 'I love you'  
Nicky looked up at Shane and saw the younger boy nod his head. The blonde smiled and nodded once back. He felt some of the tension leave Shane's boy and he felt himself relax a little more.

As the day progressed, Nicky tried to pay attention to everything around him but he struggled. He tried to listen as people he'd never seen before used big, complex words to defend Shane's kidnappers. He tried to listen as Kat took the stand and explained Shane's state of mind after he'd been rescued. He tried so hard but his attention was drawn to Shane. The younger boy was shaking and on the brink of tears all day. More than once he'd buried his face in Nicky's shoulder and sobbed. Nicky had held him until his silent cries passed but he found that comforting Shane distracted him from what was happening around him.

The court adjourned early and Nicky was preparing to take Shane home when Kian came up to him. Shane was talking to Ryan when Kian pulled Nicky aside. The younger boy handed Nicky his keys.

"Ki?" Nicky asked. "What's going on?"  
"Take Shane home" Kian told him. "I'll take a taxi later"  
"Why, where are you going?"  
"I... Uh... I just got a phone call..."  
"From?"  
"The hospital"  
"What?"  
"There's been an accident"  
"What kind of accident?"  
"Just... Don't tell Shane yet, okay?"  
"Don't tell Shane what?"  
"There was a car accident... Mark's car was run off the road on the way here..."  
Nicky gasped.  
"Was anyone...? Any fatalities?"  
"One fatality and two casualties"  
"Oh god... Who?"  
"I'll call you when I know more..."  
Kian turned and ran towards to street to hail a passing taxi.  
"Ki!" Nicky called out. "Who?"  
Kian shrugged before climbing into the back seat of the taxi.  
"Please, God" Nicky whispered. "Not Mark. Please, not Mark"

"Nicky?" He turned around and saw Shane and Ryan approaching. He smiled at them but didn't speak.  
"Where's Kian?" Shane asked.  
"He had to go somewhere" Nicky replied. "Left his keys though"  
"You ready to go then?"  
"You bet. Need a lift?" Nicky asked Ryan.  
"No thanks. I'm parked out back" Ryan replied. "I'll see you lads tomorrow"  
"Bye" Nicky and Shane said in unison.

As Shane's lawyer walked away, Shane linked his arm through Nicky's. The couple then made their way to Kian's car, walking in silence. When Nicky stopped to unlock the doors, Shane leaned in and kissed him.

"What was that for?" Nicky asked him.  
"For getting me through today" Shane replied. "And for always being here for me, even when I don't deserve you [to be]"  
"Ahhh Shay" Nicky whispered. "Undomesticated equines couldn't keep me away from you"  
Shane laughed at his lover's comment.  
"Come on" Shane smiled. "Let's go home"


	29. Chapter Twenty Eight

Kian paid the driver and climbed out of the taxi. He hurried into the reception area and paused. He wasn't entirely sure where to go. He stood for a moment, looking around the room. A familiar figure was seated in the waiting room. The blonde sighed with relief and rushed over to him.  
"Mark?" Kian greeted him.

The younger boy put aside the magazine he'd been pretending to read and looked up. Kian dropped to the ground in front of Mark and pulled the brunette into a hug. Mark returned the embrace and buried his face in Kian's chest.

"What happened?" Kian asked him, his voice trembling. "Are you okay?"  
"I... I'm fine" Mark told him as Kian pulled away.  
The blonde pulled himself up and settled in a chair beside Mark.

"What happened?" Kian asked again.  
"I don't know" Mark sighed. "I... We were in the car. I was driving and... And there was a noise... Like a loud bang or something and I... I guess I lost control of the car or something..."   
"Bobby and Jade were in the car with you...? Are they...?"

Mark's eyes filled with tears and he shook his head. Kian wrapped his arms around Mark again as the younger boy tried to suppress his sobs. After several minutes, the brunette pulled himself together. He broke away from Kian and wiped his eyes.  
"Come on..." Mark said.  
The younger boy picked up his crutches and tried to climb to his feet. Kian placed his hand on Mark's arm and helped him straighten up. The brunette took a moment to balance on the crutches and adjust to standing on a broken leg.

The two singers made their way through the hospital. Mark led Kian over to the lift and they traveled up to the third floor. The younger boy took the lead and Kian followed behind him. They eventually stopped outside a closed door. Several minutes passed as neither one of them spoke. The door opened and a Doctor walked out.  
"Doctor Harris?" Mark greeted him.  
"Mr. Feehily," The Doctor replied. "She's stable for now..."  
"Can I see her?"  
"For a moment"

Doctor Harris walked away and Kian opened the door. The two of them entered the room. Mark walked over and dropped into the chair beside the bed. He leaned the crutches against the wall and placed his hand on top of Jade's. Kian stood in the doorway, watching his friend.  
"She was sitting in back" Mark told him. "Bobby was... In the passenger seat"  
"She's going to be okay, right?"  
"Doctor thinks so"  
"And Bobby...?"  
"Died on impact" Mark reached out and stroked Jade's cheek. "There was nothing they could do for him"

"I'm sorry"  
"Now she's lost both her brothers"  
"Mark..."  
"How am I going to tell her?"

Tears were rolling down Mark's cheeks and Kian hurried to his side. He placed his hand on Mark's shoulder before sliding it around Mark's neck and holding him. The younger boy turned into the embrace, buried his face in Kian's chest and cried. The blonde tried to think of something encouraging to say but nothing came to mind. He looked down at Jade and shook his head in disbelief.  
'This isn't happening' he told himself.  
His band mate was trembling in his arms so Kian did the only thing he could think of. He held him and prayed he would wake up and learn it was all a dream.

*-*-*-*-*

It was barely four o'clock when Nicky pulled Kian's car into the garage. Shane had been quiet for the entire drive and Nicky hadn't attempted to engage him in conversation. They silently made their way into their house. Freddy rushed into the hall to greet them, throwing himself at Shane. The brunette leaned down and scooped the puppy into his arms. Nicky smiled at the sight but before he could say a word, Shane walked away... Taking Freddy with him. The blonde watched him go. A moment later, he heard the back door open and close.

Nicky wanted to follow him... To go with him but he didn't want to push Shane too much. He sighed and made his way into the Living room. He sat down on the couch and paused. His eyes scanned the room and he tried to visualize what Shane had told him. He reached out and gently stroked his hand along the arm of the couch.  
He knew Shane and Kian had been tied up on the couch and he [Nicky] had then been bought into the room. His eyes continued to survey the room, from the door to the window and the far wall then back again.

 

The blonde sighed in frustration then stood up and began to pace around the room.  
"Why can't I remember?" Nicky asked himself.

After covering the length of the room three times, Nicky gave up and left the room. He went up the stairs to change his clothes. The blonde hung his suit up, hating the fact that he would need it again the following day. He pulled his phone from his pocket and checked for any messages from Kian. He was annoyed to not find any.  
"Come on, Ki" Nicky said to his phone. "You gotta give me something!"

The blonde tucked his phone into his pocket and made his way back down the stairs. He wanted to be near Shane. He stopped at the hall closet and found his soccer ball. Nicky didn't want Shane to feel crowded but he needed to be near him so he decided the soccer ball was a good cover. He opened the back door and went outside. He could see Shane down by the fence. Freddy was on the ground beside him, running around in circles. Shane was leaning against the fence, stroking the mane on one of his horses. The blonde tried not to flinch at the sight of Shane [in his nice suit] pressed up against the filthy fence.  
The older boy dropped the ball onto the grass and stared kicking it against the side of the brick garage. His first kick was hard, full of frustration and built-up anger. It hit the wall and re-bounded back at him, hitting him in the stomach. He dropped to his knees and attempted to catch his breathe.

Shane looked up as Freddy suddenly took off across the yard. He was about to call out but when he saw where the puppy was heading, he smiled. He turned away from his horse and watched Nicky from afar. The blonde kicked a soccer ball which re-bounded and struck him. Shane, instinctively, started to make his way to Nicky but Freddy beat him. The brunette stopped and watched. Nicky was smiling and Freddy was playfully attacking him. After a few moments, the puppy took off and chased after the soccer ball. Shane laughed out loud as Freddy threw his tiny body at the ball and sent it rolling. He then chased after it.

The younger boy continued to watch Nicky watch Freddy. He sighed and folded his arms across his chest. He loved Nicky so much and the older boy deserved to know the truth. As he stared at his fiancé, his heart began to race. He had to tell him... He wanted to tell him. Shane had never intended on keeping it from him for this long. He'd just been reluctant to talk [or think] about it himself. In truth, he still wasn't ready to say it out loud but he was going to have to... And soon. Perhaps telling Nicky now would be a good practice for when he has to say it all in court.  
But as he looked at the smile which lit up his lover's face, he wasn't sure he could do it. He wanted Nicky to stay that happy and at ease forever. He didn't want to be the one responsible for pulling Nicky back to the harsh reality of their everyday lives.

Nicky climbed to his feet and walked over to the soccer ball. As he approached, Freddy began to snarl and bark at him. The blonde stopped and Freddy continued his own assault on the ball. Nicky shook his head in disbelief and admitted defeat.  
He spotted movement out the corner of his eye and he looked up. Shane was watching him.  
Nicky's phone began to ring and he quickly snatched it up.

"Kian?" Nicky demanded.  
"No, Bryan" came the reply.  
"Oh... Sorry. I was hoping you were Ki"  
"Figured"  
"What's up?"  
"Uh, have you heard from Mark? He didn't show in court today and I was worried. I tried to call him but he's not answering his mobile and his home is going to the answering machine"  
Nicky fell silent, unsure of what to say.  
"No... I... uh, Haven't heard from him. Maybe he's staying away, you know? I mean, he and Shay aren't exactly the best of friends right now"  
"Yeah... Maybe" Bryan didn't sound convinced. "Well, if you do hear from him..."  
"You'll be the first to know"  
"Thanks Nicky"

Bryan hung up and Nicky stood for a moment, staring at his phone in silence. He wanted to call Kian and demand some answers or some news but if the younger boy was at the hospital then his phone would be switched off. He tried to reassure himself. Surely if something was seriously wrong, Kian would have called him by now.  
But Kian had said there was a fatality! Nicky sighed. He needed comfort. He needed Shane. But he couldn't tell Shane what he knew... Not that he knew much anyway.

Shane was still staring at Nicky. Even from this distance, he knew something was wrong. The blonde looked up at him, smiled and waved. Shane waved back but he didn’t believe the smile on his lover's face. It wasn't genuine, like the one he'd had not five minutes earlier. This one was forced and sad. Nicky turned and headed back inside the house, nearly stepping on Freddy as he went.   
Shane felt awful. His love had been through so much already and yet he was still standing tall. He knew the blonde better than anyone else so he could see the cracks appearing in Nicky's facade. The brunette knew he had to do something to stop Nicky from breaking... And he had to do it fast.


	30. Chapter Twenty Nine

Nicky walked into the Kitchen in a daze. He felt disoriented. He didn't know what to do, where to go or what to say. The Kitchen was obviously empty but the blonde didn't know if he felt like being alone right now or if he wanted company. Being alone meant having to listen to his own thoughts but being with someone else meant forced conversations or awkward silences.  
He walked over to the sink and stared out the back window. Freddy was still amusing himself with the soccer ball but Shane was no where in sight. Nicky's eyes scanned the back paddock for the brunette but he only saw horses. He took a moment to watch one of said horses eat some grass. It was so easy to picture Shane out there... A sight he'd seen countless times. He could almost see him now, mounted on one of the horses and flying across the yard like nothing could catch or touch him.

Nicky loved to watch Shane out riding. It came so naturally to the younger boy, much like singing. Watching Shane riding or singing always brought a smile to Nicky's face, he loved seeing Shane in his element. The thought brought a smile to Nicky's face right now as the blonde continued to stare out the back window.

An uneasy feeling mysteriously washed over him. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and a cold shiver brushed down his spine. The blonde shuddered and wrapped his arms around himself. The window was closed so he didn't understand where the sudden chill had come from. He looked out the window one last time, frantically searching the yard for Shane but the brunette was still out of sight.  
All of a sudden, he couldn't breathe. He felt something restricting his mouth as he struggled for oxygen. As he fought to breathe air into his lungs, a hard cold object brushed his throat and he reached a new level of fear.   
The blonde quickly turned around, confused to still find the room empty and he stumbled. He fell to the ground, knocking a glass off the counter and smashing it to pieces.

"Nicky!"

Shane's voice filled Nicky with hope as he gasped for air. The brunette hurried into the room, rushed past the broken glass and dropped to the floor beside Nicky. He quickly pulled the older boy into his arms and held him. The blonde's hand grabbed Shane's arm, clinging to him as though his life depended on it.  
Shane's breath caught in his throat at the sight of Nicky, he'd never seen such fear in his lover's eyes. He sat down on the tiled floor and pulled Nicky into his lap. The blonde leaned into Shane's touch and buried his face in Shane's chest. The younger boy softly kissed the top of Nicky's head and gently rocked back and forth, attempting to calm his love. He cradled Nicky in his arms and tried to ignore the pain shooting through his arm where Nicky was clutching him.

"Nicky, it's okay" Shane whispered. "I've got you"  
Nicky nodded and continued to tremble in Shane's arms. The couple remained on the floor for several minutes. Neither one of them spoke, they simply held onto each other. Occasionally, Nicky would release a quiet sob or Shane would brush his fingers through his lover's blonde locks.

"Don't know what happened" Nicky whispered. Shane responded with a kiss to Nicky's forehead.  
The blonde's grip began to loosen and Shane smiled with relief. He wasn't entirely sure what had just happened but it looked to be over now.  
"It's okay" Shane continued. "It's all over now. You'll be okay"  
Again, Nicky nodded his head.

*-*-*-*-*

Kian excused himself for a minute and left the room, leaving Mark alone with Jade. He was relieved to find Mark okay but this could cause some problems. Shane had grown close to Bobby after his ordeal and had become almost dependent on him. Both Bobby and Jade had helped Shane through his ordeal and losing Bobby at this point in time could have a devastating effect on an already erratic Shane. Kian tried to remain calm. Bobby had been next on the list of witnesses to take the stand on Shane's behalf with Jade to testify the following day... Now their two key witnesses wouldn't be able to testify.

The door opened and Mark stumbled out of the room. Kian immediately went over to help him. The younger boy straightened up and managed to balance again.

"I'm never going to get used to these things" Mark told him.  
"You came off lucky, Mark" Kian replied.  
"I know... And that scares the shit outta me"  
"Why?"  
"I was driving, Ki! I'm the reason this happened... I... I killed Bobby"  
"Mark, it was an accident"  
"Shane's going to think I did it on purpose"  
"What?"  
"Without Bobby and Jade to testify, there's no proof that their brother was the one who kidnapped Shane"  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Bobby got Shane out of that house and took him to the hospital. When the Garda turned up to 'rescue' him, there was no sign of him because he wasn't there. There was no proof that Shane was ever in that house... And Shane never saw any of their faces either"  
"You... You think your accident was deliberate? Someone set you up?"  
"Maybe"  
"Who?"  
"I have no idea..."

They both fell silent, each lost in their own thoughts. Kian didn't want to admit that he thought Mark could be right.

"Ki?" Mark whispered.  
"Hmmm?" Kian replied, snapping out of his thoughts.  
"Shane hates me enough already... please, don't make me be the one to break this news to him"  
"Well... Someone has to tell him"  
"So... Tell Nicky and get him to tell him"  
"No, we're not playing the Nicky card"  
"Why not?"  
"We're just not!"  
"Kian?"

The older boy sighed and, sensing an approaching headache, he closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. A moment later, he opened his eyes and saw Mark staring at him. He sighed again but this time in defeat.

"Fine, I'll do it" Kian replied. "You stay here with Jade... I'll go home and talk to Shane..."

Mark, though still shaky on his crutches, threw his arms around Kian. The older boy hugged him for a moment before pulling away.

"Thank you... For coming here, Ki" Mark told him.   
"Of course, I was worried about you" Kian replied. "But... Why didn't you call Bryan?"  
Mark shrugged.  
"Well... Call me if you need to" Kian said. Mark nodded.

*-*-*-*-*

A loud scratching noise caused both singers to separate. Shane was the first to realize it was Freddy.  
"We left Freddy outside" Shane told Nicky. The blonde stared at him. "Okay, I left Freddy outside" Shane smiled as he spoke. "Why don't you go get him while I'll clean up in here?"  
"But I made the mess..." Nicky protested. Shane shook his head.  
"I got it, okay? Just... Take Freddy into the Rec room and I'll be there in a minute" Shane replied.  
They reluctantly let go of each other and Nicky was the first to stand up. He offered his hand to Shane and helped the younger boy to his feet. Before letting go of Shane's hand, he leaned in and quickly kissed Shane's lips. Shane didn't have time to respond before Nicky pulled away and left the room.

Shane watched him leave before retrieving a broom. He quickly cleared away the shards of broken glass. He wrapped the pieces in some newspaper and placed them in the garbage. He then swept the floor, not wanting Freddy to find a stray piece later. After making sure the floor was clear, Shane hurried up the stairs to change his clothes.  
He tossed his suit aside, smiling at the care Nicky had given his own, and pulled on a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt. He rushed back down the stairs and headed for the Rec room.

He leapt down the last three steps and made his way down the hall. When he reached his destination, he paused just outside the door. Nicky was sitting on the couch, his feet tucked under his body, and Freddy was curled up on the floor underneath the pool table. Shane entered the room and walked over to Nicky.  
The blonde smiled up at him but Shane was saddened to see that his lover was still trembling. The younger boy dropped down onto the couch beside Nicky and turned to face him. Nicky immediately wrapped his arms around Shane's waist and rested his chin on his shoulder.

"What happened?" Shane asked as he returned Nicky's embrace.  
"I couldn't breathe" Nicky whispered. "Felt like... Like someone was choking me"

Shane lay down, pulling Nicky with him. The blonde dropped onto the couch beside him and they held each other close on the narrow surface. Nicky rested his head on Shane's shoulder and reached out, clasping their hands together.

"I... I felt like... Like there was someone else in the room with me" Nicky continued. "Like someone was holding me and wouldn't let go"

Nicky looked up at Shane and could see the hesitation in his eyes. Nicky struggled to hold his gaze.

"You... You know what it was" Nicky stated. "Don't you?"  
"No," Shane lied. "It was probably just a panic attack"  
"Shane!"  
"Or it was some of your memories coming back"  
"But... You never said... I mean, what happened in the Kitchen?"  
"I don't know... But the first time they tried to take you, I think you were in the Kitchen when they grabbed you. I was in the back yard so I didn't see anything"  
"I felt like someone was holding me... And they had a weapon or something sharp"  
"A knife"  
"A... A knife?"  
"You said they held a knife to your throat and threatened to kill you"

Nicky's fingers tightened in Shane's grip.

"Why can't I remember it?" Nicky asked. "I mean, I could feel it so why can't I remember it?"  
"I don't know, Nicky" Shane whispered. "But you're safe now and I've got you"  
Nicky nodded.  
"Don't let me go" Nicky breathed in Shane's ear  
"I won't" Shane kissed Nicky's forehead. "I promise"


	31. Chapter Thirty

Shane lightly brushed his fingers through Nicky's hair. The older boy had finally stopped trembling but his grip on Shane's hand still hadn't subsided. The brunette's fingers were beginning to numb but he didn't care. If Nicky needed to cut off the flow of blood to Shane's fingers then the younger boy would let him. They held each other close, neither one wanting or needing to speak to the other. The each knew words weren't necessary at this point in time.  
The brunette looked down at Nicky then closed his eyes. The older boy fell into his arms so perfectly. He didn't want this moment to end. They were both safe and content. They were together and everything was okay. Shane didn't know how much longer this moment of peace would last and he wanted to savor it.

Shane continued to stroke his fingers through Nicky's short blonde locks. After several silent minutes, Nicky's hold on Shane began to soften. The brunette opened his eyes and saw Nicky staring up at him. The older boy moved very slowly, closing the gap between them and bringing their lips together in a slow, gentle kiss. Nicky shifted his weight, climbing onto Shane's chest and entwining their legs. His hand lightly brushed Shane's cheek before he slipped it around the base of his neck.  
In turn, Shane slid his arm around Nicky's waist. His fingers crept under the base of Nicky's shirt and softly tickled his skin. The blonde tensed for a brief moment but soldiered on. His lips caressed Shane's until his tongue managed to slip inside the confined space. Shane part his lips and welcomed Nicky's skilled tongue.  
It felt good to connect with his lover once more. Shane's mind filled with images of their first time together. It pained him to think Nicky couldn't remember him making love to him. Nicky's tongue brushed Shane's teeth before finding his lover's tongue. Shane tightened his grip on the blonde, pulling his body closer and grinding their hips together.

The older boy pulled away from the kiss and looked down into Shane's hazel eyes. They held each other's gaze and Nicky saw a single tear roll down Shane's cheek. The blonde brought his hand around and brushed the tear aside.  
"I love you" Nicky whispered in Shane's ear before leaning down and nuzzling his face against Shane's neck.  
The brunette held back a moan as Nicky's tongue teased the skin on his neck. He tilted his head back, allowing his love easier access to his neck. The blonde continued his caresses, losing himself in his task. Shane forced back another tear but he couldn't hide it from Nicky.

The blonde pulled away and looked at Shane.  
"Shay?" Nicky whispered. "What's wrong?"  
"I can't do this" Shane replied.

He gently pushed Nicky aside. The blonde dropped onto the couch as Shane stood up. He crossed the room and leaned on the pool table. Nicky stared at his lover's back as he slumped over the pool table. He sat up on the couch and opened his mouth to speak but he didn't know exactly what to say.

"Shay?" Nicky tried again. "I... I'm sorry"

Shane turned around and looked at the older boy. He leaned back against the table and stared down at his hands.

"Don't be sorry, Nix" Shane said. "This isn't your fault"  
"Well... What is it?" Nicky asked. "What's wrong?"  
Shane sighed and continued to avert his eyes.  
"Shane! Please?"

The brunette raised his hand and waved Nicky over. The blonde climbed to his feet and approached the older boy. Shane reached out and wrapped both arms around Nicky, pulling the blonde to him. He held him close and breathed in his scent.

"I love you so much" Shane whispered in Nicky's ear.  
Nicky pulled away and looked into Shane's eyes.  
"So you keep saying" Nicky replied as he slid his hand into Shane's. "So what's wrong?"  
"I... I'm sorry... It's just that..." Shane trailed off.  
"Shay?" Nicky asked, holding back a smile. "Are you... Blushing?"  
Shane looked away but Nicky placed his hand on Shane's chin and urged him to look up. Their eyes met and Nicky leaned forward, resting his forehead against his lover's.  
"You don't have to be embarrassed around me" Nicky whispered.  
"But you were kissing me... We were kissing and I just... I wanted to..." Shane stammered. "All I could think about was..."

"Oh" Nicky gasped. "I'm sorry. I didn't think. I mean…. The trial and your nightmares..."  
Shane held back a small sob which, to Nicky's ears, sounded almost like a laugh.  
"I was thinking about you" Shane told him. "And how much I wanted you"  
"And... That made you cry?"  
Shane nodded.  
"Oh, Shay..."  
Nicky quickly pulled the brunette into another hug. He held him tightly and softly kissed his cheek.  
"I'm sorry, Nicky" Shane said. He broke the embrace and walked away from the blonde.

*-*-*-*-*

Kian left the Hospital and walked outside to the taxi rink. He was almost relieved to find it empty. He considered calling for one then wondered if he should just wait and see how long it would take for one to show up. After ten minutes of waiting in the cold, he realized he was bringing unwanted attention to himself. Not only by his status as a 'celebrity' but also the fact that he was standing outside the hospital, dressed in a rather expensive suit.  
He pulled his phone from his pocket and made a call. After the third ring, someone answered.

"Bry?" Kian began. "It's me"  
"Kian?" Bryan asked. "Have you heard from Mark? Where are you? Nicky's frantic for some reason and won't tell me what's wrong"  
"I was just with Mark... Uh, Bryan? Can you come get me?"  
"I guess... Uh, where are you? Why don't you have your car?"  
"I gave the keys to Nicky and told him to take Shane home... Then I took a taxi"  
"Where are you?"  
"The Hospital..."  
"With Mark? What happened? Is he okay?"  
"Yeah, there was an... Accident. He's fine. Just... Uh... A broken leg"  
"I'll be there as soon as I can and you have to tell me *everything*"

*-*-*-*-*

Shane dropped into the armchair and looked down at Freddy. The puppy was staring up at him so Shane leaned down and picked him up. Freddy immediately curled up in his lap and closed his eyes. Nicky remained by the pool table, watching Shane carefully.

"I'm sorry" Shane said again.  
"Stop apologizing, babe" Nicky smiled. "You have nothing be sorry about"  
"Yeah I do..."  
"Shay, none of this is your fault"  
"Nicky..."  
"I'm sorry I can't remember our first time... I want to remember it but I'm scared"

"Scared of what?" Shane asked him, genuinely concerned.  
"I've been trying to remember" Nicky admitted. "I was in the Living room before and I tried to imagine what you said happened but I got nothing. I've tried the same thing in our bedroom too. I... I lay awake at night, trying to imagine what it felt like, being with you"  
"Nicky..."

"But then... I don't know... A part of me freaks out and tells me I don't want to remember it. I want to remember you. I want to remember you proposing and... And us telling my parents... But I don't want to know what they did to me and if I can't remember one without the other... Then I don't know just how much I want to come back and how much should stay buried"

Nicky turned away from Shane and started to fiddle around with one of the pool cues. The younger boy stared at him for a moment. Being in the Kitchen had obviously triggered some part of Nicky's memory and it was scaring him. The last thing Shane wanted was for Nicky to be afraid...  
Maybe now wasn't the best time to open up to him. But on the other hand, Shane thought to himself, perhaps if he shared his ordeal with Nicky... It would distract the blonde away from his own unease.

Shane scooped Freddy into his arms and stood up. He then placed the puppy back down on the armchair. Freddy didn't even stir, he just continued to sleep. Shane walked over to Nicky and took the pool cue from his hand. He placed the cue down on the table and turned to face Nicky. He reached out and took both of Nicky's hands in his.

"Nix..." Shane began. "I think we need to talk"  
"No" Nicky whispered, shaking his head.  
"Please, it's not as... Ominous as it sounds"  
"Shay?"

The younger boy led Nicky over to the couch and they both sat down. Nicky resumed his earlier position, with his legs tucked under his body. Shane sat cross-legged on the cushions, facing Nicky. The blonde looked nervous, though not as nervous as Shane felt.

"Nix," Shane began. "I know that by not telling you what I went through, I hurt you. I swear, I didn't mean to. I never meant to keep it from you either. At first, I just wasn't ready to talk about it. Then after I struggled to put it behind me, I didn't want to have to re-live it by telling it to someone else. I'd already talked it to death with Kat and didn't want to have to do it with you too. I told myself that it was okay anyway... That you didn't want to hear about it... That you didn't need to hear about it..."  
"Shane...?" Nicky whispered, gently stroking his fingers across the back of Shane's palm.  
"They did things to me... They made me do things to them" Shane admitted as he blinked back tears. "Things I'm not proud of and... And never want to do again"

Nicky opened his mouth but closed it again. He didn't want to interrupt Shane and didn't know what to say anyway.  
"God, Nicky" Shane cried, tears spilling down his cheeks. "The things they made me do..."

Nicky released Shane's hands and wrapped his arms around his lover's neck. At first, Shane tried to pull away but Nicky refused to let him go. The younger boy was shaking at the terrible memories he was preparing to share with his love. Nicky held him close. He wanted to tell him to stop, that he didn't have to tell him if he wasn't ready. But at the same time, he couldn't help but think this was a burden Shane needed to release and if he did it now it would all be over with soon.

"It's okay" Nicky whispered. "I'm here... I've got you"  
Shane laughed through his tears.  
"Like I had you earlier" Shane said.  
"Yeah, just like then..." Nicky nodded.  
"Kinda ironic, huh?"  
"I guess"

*-*-*

"There you lads are!" Bryan's voice cut through the room.   
The couple both jumped a mile, startled by Bryan's sudden appearance in their house. Nicky released Shane and the younger boy quickly attempted to hide his tears from their band mate.

"Bryan?" Nicky asked, annoyed he'd disturbed them. "What the hell are you doing here?"  
"He gave me a lift" Kian appeared in the doorway behind Bryan.

"Kian!" Nicky's annoyance quickly turned to relief. 

Nicky leapt off the couch and hurried over to Kian. He pushed him out the door and into the hallway.  
"I'm so glad to see you but your timing sucks!" Nicky told him.  
"I'm sorry... What happened? Was Shane crying?" Kian asked.  
"He was about to tell me about his... You know!"  
"Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Nicky. You... You've been waiting so long..."  
"I know"  
"And I hate to be the bringer of bad news but..."  
"But what? Is Mark okay?"  
"He'll be fine..." Kian dropped his voice to a whisper. "But right now I have to go in there and tell Shane that Bobby is dead and his court case is totally fucked"


	32. Chapter Thirty One

Nicky reached out and grabbed Kian's arm, stopping the younger boy in his tracks.   
"You can't do that" Nicky hissed.  
"I have to" Kian replied as he tried to break Nicky's grip. "Shane needs to know"  
"Not yet"  
"Nicky..."  
"Kian..."  
"He needs to know! Would you rather be the one to tell him?"

The older boy reluctantly relinquished his hold on his band mate. Kian took a step back and the two singers stared at each other. They both only wanted what was best for Shane but they weren't about to see eye to eye on this one.

"Nicky... We can't keep this from him" Kian told him.  
"I know" Nicky sighed. "But we can't do this... Not right now"  
"Then... When? When do you suggest we drop this on him? The longer we hide it, the more hurt he'll be when he finds out"  
Nicky shook his head in frustration.  
"No" Nicky insisted.  
"Nicky," Kian softened his voice to a gentler tone and looked at his friend. "Bobby's dead and Shane would want to know"

The older blonde knew Kian was right. He just didn't want to admit it. They'd been so close to a small breakthrough and now it was all going to vanish. News of Bobby's death would devastate Shane and Nicky didn't want Shane to suffer any more than he already was. With one final sigh, Nicky slowly nodded at Kian. 

"Come on" Kian whispered to Nicky. "He'll need you there with him"

*-*-*

When Kian and Nicky entered the room, Shane immediately knew something was wrong. He looked to Nicky but his lover wasn't giving anything away. Nicky walked over to the couch and sat down beside him. He took Shane's hand in his and gently stroked the back of his palm. The brunette tried not to panic but the last time he'd been ambushed by his friends [like this] it hadn't been good news. So why should now be any different?

"Shane..." Kian coughed to clear his throat. "I... uh... Don't really know how to say this to you. Uh, so I'm just going to cut straight to the point"  
He looked to Nicky who was looking at Shane. Then he looked at Bryan, who was amusing himself with one of the pool cues.   
"Mark wasn't in court today" Kian began. "Because he was on the way there with Jade and Bobby... And they got into an accident. They... Uh... They think the tire blew out and that caused them to lose control of the car. It then crashed into an embankment"   
"Jade? Bobby? Are they okay?" Shane asked. Nicky and Bryan exchanged a look. Neither one of them wanting to point out the obvious.

"Jade... Jade's in a coma" Kian replied. "Mark's with her now, at the hospital. Doctor's say she should make a full recovery"  
"And Bobby?" Shane asked.  
"I'm sorry, Shane... He didn't make it. He... He died instantly. There wasn't anything they could do for him"   
"Who was driving?"  
"Does that really matter?" Nicky asked Shane.  
The brunette's fingers had tensed in Nicky's hand and the older boy wanted to calm him before things got too out of hand.  
"Who was driving?" Shane asked again.  
"Mark was" Kian told him. "He's got a broken leg and is learning to get around on crutches"  
"So... He's fine?"

Nicky looked at Shane's features, trying desperately hard to read him. But the younger boy was showing no emotion. His voice was steady and normal. Aside from the tension Nicky could feel in Shane's body, the brunette seemed to be perfectly fine.

"He... Uh... Physically," Kian nodded. "In a few weeks... Uh... He'll make a full recovery"  
It was Shane's turn to nod.

"So... Um..." Shane began. "Bobby won't be able to testify. I'll have to call Ryan and tell him. He'll have to be told about Jade too. We'll have to wait and see how she is. She may snap out of it in a day or two and still be able to take the stand..."  
"Shane?" Nicky started to say.

The brunette pulled his hand out of Nicky's grasp and stood up.  
"I should call him now" Shane said as he headed out of the room. "And maybe someone should go to the Hospital... They might need someone to... To identify the body..."

"Shay?" Nicky called.

"Really should decide what we're going to have for dinner too" Shane muttered as he walked out the door. "And I think I forgot to lock the door of the stable last night..."

"Shane?" Nicky practically shouted as he leapt to his feet. Kian was able to maneuver his way in front of the older boy and stop him from following Shane.

"Nicky" Kian said. "Just leave him"  
"Leave him?" Nicky asked. "That's not normal!" Nicky said as he pointed in the direction Shane had just gone.   
"He's been through a lot. Just give him some time"  
"I told you we shouldn't have told him yet"  
"What's done is done... So just wait for him. He'll come to you when he's ready"  
"I don't want him to 'come to me'. I'm going to be there for him now"  
Nicky pushed past Kian and quietly followed his fiancé.

*-*-*-*-*

Shane walked out of the Rec room in a daze. He wandered down the hall then up the stairs and into the bedroom. He walked over to the bed and collapsed on top of it. As he lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, tears filled his eyes. A part of him felt he should be relieved. Having Bobby around was a constant reminder of what he'd been through yet Shane didn't really see it that way.

Nicky was the only one of his band mates who knew just how close Shane was to Bobby. Bobby was the one who had looked out for Shane during his ordeal. Bobby had tried to protect him and, in the end, had been the one to save him. Yes it had been Bobby's brother who had put Shane through all that but Bobby wasn't like his brother, Christian. Bobby had only ever tried to do right by Shane. Even after Shane had been saved and later released from Hospital, Bobby had kept in touch and made sure Shane was doing okay. When Shane had gone to him and asked him to testify on his behalf... Against his own brother no less, Bobby didn't even hesitate.

At first, Nicky had been slightly jealous of Shane's bond with Bobby. But over time, Nicky had come to see that Bobby wasn't a threat. He was almost a Godsend. It had hurt Nicky, knowing that Shane was able to open up to a complete stranger and not him. Yet Nicky then began to understand where Shane was coming from. Bobby had been there with him. Bobby knew what Shane had been through  
Most of the time, it wasn't so much that Shane needed to talk... It was just comfort he found in being with someone who had gone through it with him.

And now Bobby was gone...

Shane remembered telling Bobby that without his testimony, he didn't have much of a case. But the older boy had just smiled and promised he'd do everything in his power to make sure his brother paid for what he had put Shane through.  
Shane had already decided to ask Bobby to be Best Man when he married Nicky.

Shane rolled onto his side and closed his eyes. He placed his hand over his mouth as he tried to muffle his sobs.

"Why?" Shane cried. "Why do you keep doing this to me? Why couldn't you take Mark instead?"

*-*-*

Nicky stood out in the hallway, listening to his love's sobs. He wanted to go in and comfort him but he couldn't bring himself to step through the door. He heard Shane's words and they pierced his heart. He'd had no idea Shane's hatred of Mark was so strong and deep. The blonde shook his head in disbelief as he blinked back tears.

"No" Nicky whispered. "You don't mean that. Please, please don't really mean that!"

"Haven't I suffered enough?" Nicky heard Shane cry. "If you keep taking everything good away from me, I'll have nothing left!"

Nicky took one step towards the door before stopping again.

"What more do you want from me? I finally had everything as good as I was going to get and you took that away from me too. What? Do you think if you take it all, I'll kill myself? Do you want me up there? Then just come and take me already!!!"

"Shane," Nicky gasped. "No!"

"Please? Give me back my Nicky. I just want him to remember... I need him to remember. If nothing else, let him remember our first time together. You owe me that much! Please?"

"Shane?"  
The brunette quickly sat up on the bed. He looked to the doorway and saw Nicky standing there. He had tears in his eyes and was staring at him. Shane's heart began to pound.

"I heard what you just said" Nicky admitted. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You didn't quite react the way I thought you would" Shane nodded. "I'm sorry about Bobby"

Shane held his arms out to the blonde and Nicky quickly hurried to his side. He climbed onto the bed and wrapped his arms around Shane.

"I'm losing it, Nicky" Shane told him.  
"No, you're not" Nicky replied. "I won't let you"  
Shane buried his face in Nicky's neck and held him tightly in his arms.  
"I can't do this without you"  
"You don't have to... I'm not going anywhere"

Shane jerked away and stared into Nicky's eyes.  
"How can you be sure?" Shane asked.  
"Because I love you" Nicky replied, matter-of-factly. "And I'm going to get you through this. We'll just have to take it one day at a time"

"You heard me, didn't you?"  
"Which part?"  
"Us... Making love"  
"I will remember, Shay. Some day... I'll remember it"  
"But... What am I supposed to do until then?"  
"Love me... And let me love you"

Shane nodded and quickly kissed Nicky.  
"I still need to call Ryan" Shane told him, changing the subject. Nicky nodded.  
"You want me to leave? So you can call in private?" Nicky asked.  
"No. I want you to lay here with me and hold me"  
"I can do that"  
"Don't let go until I say so"  
"And what if you never so?"  
Shane smiled and gave Nicky another kiss.


	33. Chapter Thirty Two

Almost an hour passed before Kian went looking for the couple. Bryan had left to check on Kerry and Molly before going back to the hospital to be with Mark. Freddy had bounded from the room not long after; no doubt he'd gone looking for his owners.  
Kian had wanted to give them some time alone and he assumed an hour was long enough for Nicky to get through to Shane. Though he was surprised just how quickly the hour had passed. But if anyone were to ask him what he'd done to pass the time, he would have drawn a blank.

When he reached the landing, he noted the bedroom door was open. He was quiet in his approach as he wasn't planning on eavesdropping on the couple; he just didn't want to interrupt if they weren't ready to be disturbed yet. He stopped just shy of the doorway but he couldn't hear anything. He softly knocked on the doorframe, announcing his presence before actually making an appearance.  
The blonde didn't step into the room; he just remained in the doorway. His friends were lying on their bed. Nicky's arms were wrapped around Shane's body, the brunette's head was resting on Nicky's chest and his eyes were closed. Nicky was awake though and he smiled at Kian. The younger boy nodded back to him. Trying not to disturb Shane, Nicky indicated for Kian to come into the room.  
Freddy was curled up at the foot of the bed so Kian walked over and squatted on the floor beside Nicky.

"How's he doing?" Kian whispered.  
"He fell asleep about twenty minutes ago" Nicky informed him. "He's pretty upset"  
"Bobby... Meant a lot to him, no?"  
Nicky nodded.  
"How's Mark doing? He's really going to be okay?"  
"He's just a little shaken up... And struggling with the crutches. He said that... He told me that he... He thought Shane would think he'd done it on purpose"  
"Oh"  
"You're not surprised? Shane doesn't really...?"  
"I heard him" Nicky admitted. "Crying to himself..."  
"What did he say?" Kian closed his eyes, almost dreading Nicky's response.  
"Basically... That it should have been Mark, not Bobby"  
"Oh Shane" he opened his eyes and looked over at his sleeping friend. "You don't really mean that" Then Kian looked up at Nicky. "He didn't really mean it, right?"

"No" Nicky replied. "Of course he didn't"  
Kian gave Nicky a long, hard look.  
"Now say it like you mean it" Kian told him.  
"He was upset" Nicky reasoned. "He... He probably isn't even aware that he said it. He's in shock and... And... Stop looking at me like that! I know Shane and I know he didn't mean it"  
"If you say so" Kian nodded.  
The younger boy stood up.  
"I'll be downstairs... Give me a yell if you need me" Kian told Nicky.  
The older blonde nodded.  
"Thanks" Nicky replied. "I'll wake him up in a little while and we'll see about dinner"  
"Sure"  
Kian gave the couple one more saddened look. He didn't want to believe Shane would say that about Mark... But a part of him feared that was what Shane was feeling right now.

The younger boy tried to get Freddy to follow him but the puppy was content to remain on the bed. Kian walked out of the room but left the door open.

*-*-*

Nicky looked down at Shane's sleeping form and held back a sigh. Everything seemed to be going from bad to worse for his love and Nicky shuddered to think how much worse it could still get. He leaned down and kissed Shane's forehead before slowly separating himself from the brunette and climbing off the bed. Freddy looked up at him, annoyed by the disturbance. Nicky rolled his eyes as Freddy put his head down and went back to sleep.  
The blonde walked into the closet and sat down on the floor. He stared up at all his clothes, not really seeing them, as his thoughts shifted from Shane to Mark and then to his own incident in the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around himself and took a deep breath.

"Nicky?"  
The older boy snapped to attention. Without getting up, he rolled across the carpet and stuck his head around the door.  
"Shay?" he replied.  
The brunette was sitting up on the bed, looking anxiously around the room. He'd heard   
Nicky's voice but couldn't place where it had come from.  
"Nix?" he tried again.  
"Down here" Nicky giggled.

Shane's eyes found Nicky and he too laughed.  
"What are you doing down there?" Shane asked him.  
"It's safer in here" Nicky replied. The words surprised even him.  
"Nicky?"  
"Joke, Shay"  
"Was it? Really?"  
Nicky shrugged.

Shane climbed off the bed and crossed the room. He entered the large closet and sat down beside Nicky. He slid his arm around the blonde's shoulder and Nicky immediately leaned into the embrace.  
"Come on, talk to me" Shane urged his lover.  
Again, Nicky shrugged his shoulders. He turned his head and buried his face in Shane's neck. Shane brushed his fingers through Nicky's hair as the older boy began to trail kisses up and down Shane's neck and along his jaw line.

The younger boy placed his other hand on Nicky's chest and gently attempted to push the blonde away. Nicky didn't take the hint and continued teasing Shane's neck with his tongue.  
"Nicky" Shane whispered. "Stop"  
"Come on, Shay" Nicky whispered back.  
"I said stop!"  
Shane put more effort into this attempt to push Nicky away. The blonde fell back, hitting the wall behind them. He stared at his love, surprised by Shane's actions.  
"Owwww" Nicky groaned as he rubbed the back of his head. "Shay? What was that?"  
"I told you to stop" Shane snapped before he stood up and walked out.  
Nicky jumped to his feet and quickly followed Shane back into the bedroom.

"Are... Are you even sorry?" Nicky asked him, still rubbing the back of his head.  
"For what?" Shane asked.  
"Uh... For slamming my head against the wall?"  
"I told you to stop and you didn't"  
"So... You're saying I deserved that?"  
"Fine... I'm sorry. You happy now?"  
"No" Nicky replied, unable to hide the hurt in his voice. "No, I'm not"

Shane sat down on the bed and Freddy quickly jumped down. The puppy rushed over to Nicky and sat down in front of him. The older boy was too hurt by Shane's actions and words to notice the protective stance their puppy had taken.

"Wow" Nicky stated. "You... uh... You did that so quickly that even I didn't see it coming"  
"Did what?"  
"Become an asshole"  
"What?" Shane gasped, shocked and horrified by Nicky's statement.

"I heard you earlier..." Nicky admitted. "I heard what you said about Bobby and how you wanted to know why it couldn't have been Mark instead... And... And it really hurt me, hearing you say those words. But I told myself that you didn't really mean it... Mark's your best friend-"  
"Was! Nicky. He *was* my best friend"  
"Don't interrupt me, Shane. I know that no matter how mad you are with him right now, deep down, you still care about him and you're glad he wasn't seriously hurt too"  
Shane snorted.  
"I... I can't believe I'm seeing this! I... I can't believe you're doing this! Shane, what's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with ME?" Shane snapped. "You want to know what's fucking wrong with me?"  
Nicky's eyes widened upon hearing Shane swear at him.  
"You're the only good thing in my life right now... But you're acting like this is just a phase and everything is going to go back to normal. Well, it's not. Bobby's dead. Mark betrayed and hurt me... And you... You're saying you won't marry me until I forgive him. I don't want to forgive him, Nicky! Do you have any idea what I went through because of him? How much pain I'm in right now because of what he did? Do you have any idea how hard all of this is for me?"  
"NO! I don't" Nicky shouted back at Shane with tears in his eyes. "I don't know because you won't tell me! And now you're wishing death upon your best friend and... And using violence against me!”  
"Nicky..."  
"No... I... I really thought I knew you Shane... But I... I guess I don't know you at all"

Nicky scooped Freddy into his arms and headed for the door. Shane watched him, unable to move or speak. His mind was shouting at him. He knew he couldn't let Nicky walk out of the room.

"Nicky" Shane pleaded, trying to keep his voice as calm and gentle as possible. "Please don't go! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"  
Nicky stopped in the doorway and turned around. Shane was still sitting on the bed but Nicky could see the tears in his eyes.  
"You're right" Shane said. "I... I am an asshole and I'm an inconsiderate bastard. Just... Please, don't walk out that door. Please?"

The older boy looked into Shane's eyes as the brunette struggled to blink back tears.  
"Don't leave. Please? I love you and I'm sorry. Please, give me a chance to explain and I'll tell you *anything* you want to know"  
"Anything?"  
"Anything at all... I promise"

Nicky stepped back into the room and held Shane's eye for a long moment.  
"What happened to you?" Nicky asked. "What did those men do to you?"  
"They broke me, Nicky" Shane confessed.  
"How?"  
"They took from me the one thing I wanted to give to you"  
"Shay..."  
"I wanted you to be my first Nicky. My only... And they ruined that for me... For us"  
"Tell me what they did Shane. I want to know. I want you to tell me"  
"Okay" Shane nodded.  
"Really?"  
"Really"

The blonde closed the door and walked over to the bed. He placed Freddy on the mattress beside them and looked at Shane.  
"Okay, I'm ready" Nicky told him.  
"So am I" Shane replied.


	34. Chapter Thirty Three

By the time Shane had finished recounting the details of his kidnap to Nicky, he was mentally exhausted. Nearly half a dozen times, he had collapsed in tears and been unable to continue. Each time, Nicky hadn't known what to do. His instincts had told him to hold Shane in his arms and comfort him until it passed. But his brain had told him to back off and not touch him while he was in such a state. He'd listened to his brain, afraid Shane would lash out at him again.

Now they were both still seated on their bed. The only part of their bodies which were touching was their hands. Neither one of them could remember who had reached out to whom or even how long their fingers had been entwined. But neither one of these facts mattered at this point in time.  
Nicky really didn't know what to say. He had wanted so badly to hear the full story from Shane and now he had. But his mind couldn't form any words that seemed appropriate for a situation such as this.

"Shay..." Nicky whispered. After hearing a story such as that, it was the best he could come up with.

Surprisingly, Shane released Nicky's hand and looked directly into his deep blue, tear-filled eyes. He held his arms out wide to the blonde. Nicky stared at him for a moment. He wasn't about to fall into Shane's arms. No, Shane belonged in his right now. The older boy slowly crawled across the bed and wrapped his arms around Shane, enveloping him a strong, protective embrace.  
Shane had tried not to show any signs of panic as Nicky looked at his outstretched arms. For a brief second, he feared what Nicky would do. But he was relieved with the blonde came to him and pulled him into his arms. He'd been so scared Nicky would pull away from him, especially after Shane's earlier actions. He really hadn't meant to hurt Nicky and he didn't understand why he'd snapped at him instead of apologizing.

"I'm sorry" Shane whispered in his love's ear.  
The blonde looked down at Shane in confusion.  
"For earlier" he explained. "I was a jerk and I didn't mean to hurt you. I lost my temper and I was mad... About the accident and Bobby. And I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry"

A noise caught their attention and Nicky looked down to see Freddy on the floor, playing with a small bottle. It was rattling between his little paws. Shane went to grab it but Nicky was quicker. He snatched the bottle away from Freddy and stood facing the bed. He then looked at the bottle in shock before looking up at Shane. The brunette was still sitting on the bed but he averted his eyes.

"Shay?" Nicky began. Shane could hear the disbelief in the blonde's voice.  
"Nicky... I can explain" Shane tried to argue.  
"You... You started taking these again?"  
Shane nodded.  
"When? How long?"  
"A few days is all... Honest, babe"  
"Why? Why would you do that?"  
"It's prescription medication, Nicky. It's supposed to help me. With everything that's been happening lately... I just... I thought they would help"  
"Why would this time be any different? And you... You said you got rid of this stuff"  
"Not all of it... I thought I might need some. And I know what happened last time but I thought I'd be able to control it a bit more, since I knew how it would likely affect me"  
Nicky shook his head in disbelief.  
"I should have known" Nicky whispered. "I should have realized. The way you've been acting and the things you've been saying. It's just like last time. Shane, you had a bad turn last time... Even the Doctors didn't know why it affected you that way... Why did you risk it again?"  
"I thought they would help me"

"Shane..." Nicky reached out and placed his hand under Shane's chin. He gently coaxed his face upwards so they were looking into each other's eyes.  
"You don't need these" Nicky said as he threw the bottle across the room and into the wastebasket.  
"What? Why not...?"  
"Shhh" Nicky said as he placed his finger to Shane's lips. “You don’t need these because you have me”

When the brunette stopped trying to speak, Nicky leaned down, removed his finger and replaced it with his lips. Shane was reluctant [at first] to accept Nicky's gesture of affection but his lover's tongue was very persistent. He parted his lips and allowed Nicky full access to his mouth. Without breaking the kiss, Nicky climbed onto the bed and wrapped his arms around Shane's neck. In turn, Shane wrapped his own arms around Nicky's waist and the couple remained like that for several minutes, holding each other close and exchanging gentle, loving kisses.  
But, not wanting a repeat of Shane's earlier actions, Nicky didn't push him any further and ended their embrace not long after he started it.

"You still love me?" Shane whispered as he rested his forehead against Nicky's.  
"Of course I do" Nicky replied. "Why would I ever stop?"  
"Now that you know the truth... And... And because I didn't tell you sooner..."  
"Shay, I loved you before all this happened and I'm going to love you for the rest of my life"  
"Nix"  
"I was just upset that you felt you couldn't confide in me about it"  
"I... I didn't want you to leave me, you know... After you knew the truth?""  
"You didn't leave me after you found out what Tobey and Kane had done to me"  
"What they did to you wasn't your fault... And I... I needed you Nicky. I needed you to help me recover"  
"We needed each other"  
Shane nodded at Nicky's words and smiled at the blonde.  
"I still need you now" Shane told him.

They both fell silent for a moment. Each lost in their own thoughts.  
Shane hadn't really noticed much of Nicky's reaction to his story. He'd been too absorbed in his own memories to care what was happening around him. He did note that during his breakdowns, Nicky hadn't attempted to touch him and, for that, he was thankful. Deep down, he knew if he'd been touched (in any way by anyone) that he'd have lashed out at them.  
The only thing that mattered now was that Nicky knew the entire story of what Shane had gone through, what had been done to him and what he had been forced to do... Nicky knew the complete story and all the details but he was still here, by Shane's side. Nicky had listened and stood by Shane. He had kissed him and told him that he still loved him.  
Shane had finally fallen off the bridge he'd been clinging to for all these months... He'd hit the water and swam to shore. Now Nicky had pulled him from the water and was helping him dry off.

*-*

Nicky's hand gently cupped Shane's cheek. The brunette flinched and blinked. He'd been so engrossed in his own mind that he hadn't noticed Nicky reaching for him. The blonde started to remove his hand but Shane quickly stopped him.  
"No" Shane said, placing his hand over Nicky's. "I just spaced... You just startled me is all"  
Nicky nodded but Shane could see the uncertainty in his eyes.  
"I'm okay" Shane assured him. "Really"  
"I'm glad" Nicky replied. He still looked a little nervous. "But I... I uh... I... Ummm..."  
"Nicky... What's wrong?"  
"I... Uh... I was gonna..."  
Nicky closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He slowly released it and opened his eyes. He looked into Shane's eyes with nothing but love in his own.

"Show me" Nicky whispered.  
"Nix, I... I don't..." Shane stammered.  
"Please?" Nicky asked. "I... I want to see"  
"I don't think that's..."  
"Please?"

Shane could see the determination in Nicky's eyes and he knew he couldn't say no to him. He'd known as soon as he'd mentioned it that Nicky would ask to see. He had considered not telling his lover about it but knew he wouldn't be able to hide it forever. Besides, once he and Nicky become more sexually active, Nicky would eventually discover it and want to know why Shane had kept it from him. He'd been lucky their first time but he couldn't guarantee he'd be that lucky again.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and slowly released it. He then nodded his head. Nicky climbed out of Shane's lap and sat back on the mattress. The younger boy swallowed nervously and opened his eyes. He climbed off the bed (being careful not to step on Freddy) then he turned to face the bed. His fingers were trembling as he tried to unzip his jeans.  
Nicky's hand close over his and his hand stopped shaking. When the older boy spoke, his voice was soft, gentle and full of honesty.

"Don't be scared" Nicky said to him. "It's just you and me here, babe"  
"And Freddy" Shane added.  
"And Freddy... But he's not paying attention to what we're doing"  
"I... I don't want you to see"  
"Shane..."  
"I'm nervous, Nicky"  
"We've had sex, Shay. I've seen you naked before"  
"Not that you can remember"  
"You don't want me to see you naked?"  
"No, it's not that... I just don't want you to see it"  
"Please? You've given me so much today… just one more is all I ask. I know it's been hard but this'll be the last thing. I won't ask any thing else of you, I promise"

Shane sighed and nodded. He unzipped his jeans and let them drop to the floor. He stepped out of them and placed his leg on the bed in front of Nicky. He reached down and held the base of his boxers. He slowly retracted the material to reveal the skin on the inner upper part of his thigh. Nicky leaned forward and stared at the exposed skin. On Shane's leg was a small burn, about the size of a two-pound coin.

The blonde reached out and gently brushed it with his index finger. He looked up at Shane and saw the brunette had closed his eyes again. Nicky leaned closer and softly pressed his lips to the scar. He then took Shane's hand in his own, letting him drop the fabric back over the burn.  
"Thank you" Nicky whispered.

He climbed up onto his knees and wrapped his arms around Shane. The brunette returned the embrace and rested his chin on Nicky's shoulder.  
"It hurt so much" Shane whispered.  
"Why did he do it?" Nicky asked. "Why there?"  
"He wanted to brand me. That's what he said... Somewhere that only he would see it... And where I could see it... So whenever I saw it, I'd remember what he did to me..."  
"Forget about him, Shay" Nicky insisted. "Whenever you look at it, remember how hard you fought to get past it. It doesn't define you. Now it's a sign of how brave and strong you really are"

"Nicky..." Shane slowly pulled away then leaned in to capture Nicky's lips. "Thank you"  
"No" Nicky shook his head. "Thank you"


	35. Chapter Thirty Four

Nicky was the first to look at the clock. He groaned when he realized how late it was.  
"What's wrong?" Shane asked him.  
"I told Ki we'd be downstairs soon... That was over an hour ago" Nicky replied. "We were going to see about getting some food"

"We should go out" Shane told him.  
"What?" Nicky asked.  
"For dinner. We should go out... Like on a date"  
"Are you serious?"  
"Why wouldn't I be?"  
"Just... With everything going on... And Bobby..."  
"Please Nicky? I don't just want to sit here and cry. I need to get out and do something"  
"I just... I don't know if that's such a good idea"  
"Well, let's just go talk to Kian... See what he feels like doing"  
"You were going to invite him on our date?"  
"Come on"

Shane grabbed Nicky's hand and started to lead him to the door.  
"Shay?" Nicky began.  
The brunette continued walking so Nicky wrapped his arm around Shane's waist and pulled him into his arms.  
"Nicky" Shane tried to argue.  
"Shay... Pants?" 

The younger boy stopped and looked down. He blushed in embarrassment and Nicky smiled at him. The blonde kissed Shane's forehead then shook his head as he laughed.

*-*-*-*-*

Kian was sitting at the Kitchen table, his laptop open in front of him. Shane walked into the room and stood behind him, reading over his shoulder.

"Anything interesting?" Shane asked him.  
"Not really" Kian admitted.  
The blonde quickly did a double-take and turned to look at Shane.  
"Shane" Kian asked. "How are you feeling?"  
"I'm okay" Shane confessed.  
"Where's Nicky?"  
"He's right..."

Shane looked up and realized Nicky hadn't followed him into the Kitchen.  
"Nicky?" Shane called out.  
"Here" Nicky replied as he appeared in the doorway. Shane noted his love didn't step into the room.  
"Is everything okay with you two?" Kian asked them.  
"Yeah, we're fine" Shane replied. "In fact, I want to take Nicky out tonight but he doesn't think it's a good idea"  
"He's probably right"  
"Kian!"  
"Thank you!" Nicky told Kian.

"Shane" Kian spoke up. "I don't think you should be going out in public right now. The press will jump on you and push you about the trial. And if word's gotten out about Mark's accident... One of the key witnesses in your case has just died. It wouldn't look good for the two of you to be out celebrating"  
"I just... I don't want to sit at home and do nothing"

"Maybe..." Nicky spoke up but then trailed off.  
"Maybe what?" Shane asked his voice filled with hope.  
"Why don't we call our parents and invite them out too? Your parents and my parents and the two of us... So if anyone sees us, it'll just be like a family dinner. The press and fans would probably leave us alone..."  
"That's a great idea, Nix" Shane hurried over to Nicky and quickly kissed him. "I'll call them now!"

Shane bounded out of the room, leaving Nicky standing in the doorway and Kian sitting at the table.  
"You want to come too?" Nicky asked Kian.  
"No thanks" Kian replied.  
"You sure?"  
"Shane's been acting a little... Off"  
"And?"  
"Should he really be going out?"  
"He'll be okay, Kian. I'll be with him"  
"I know that... But he's-"  
"He's okay. We talked and things are going to be better for us now..." Nicky sighed. "He started taking his meds again"  
"What?"  
"He's stopped now"  
"Why would he do that? Why would he take them again?"  
"Kian..."  
"He went postal last time, Nicky"  
"I know. I was there, remember? He was upset and he thought he was doing the right thing. But we talked and he's not going to take any more"  
"And you really think it's a good idea, going out tonight?"  
"No. But he wants to... And I would do anything for him, Ki"

*-*

Shane grabbed the phone and dialed the number for the hotel his parents were staying at. After receiving no answer from their room he hung up and called Nicky's parents.

"Hello?" Yvonne answered the phone.  
"Mrs. Byrne, hi" Shane greeted her.   
"Shane sweetheart, how are you?"  
"I'm okay... I was just calling to see if you'd like to join us for dinner tonight..."  
"That's very sweet of you, Shane... But we already have plans... Actually, could you hold the line for a moment?"  
"Of course"  
Yvonne went quiet for a few moments then returned to the conversation.  
"Shane?"   
"Yes?"  
"Would you and Nicky like to come over for dinner?"  
"Uh..."  
"Sweetheart, when I said we had plans... We had invited your parents to join us tonight. Perhaps you and Nicky would like to come too?"  
"Are you sure? I mean, if you've already got everything planned..."  
"Oh Shane... We would love for the two of you to join us"  
"Well, then we would love to come"  
"Fantastic! So, see you in an hour then?"  
"That sounds great. We’ll see you soon!"

*-*

"Change of plans, Nicky" Shane announced as he walked up to the blonde.  
"What's wrong?" Nicky asked him.  
"Nothing's wrong!" Shane wrapped his arms around Nicky's neck and looked into his eyes. "I called my mam but couldn't get through. So I called your mother and she's invited us over for dinner"  
"And that's okay with you?"  
"My parents were invited too. So it'll be just like you suggested, only at your parent's house"  
Nicky smiled then reached up and removed Shane's hands from his neck.  
"Then I'm going to go shower" Nicky told him.  
"I said we'd be there in an hour"  
"An hour?"  
"That's plenty of time for you to make yourself gorgeous!"  
"Are you saying I don't look gorgeous right now?"  
"No, you don't look gorgeous right now... You look... You're nothing short of perfection, babe"  
Nicky smiled at Shane before pulling away and heading for the bathroom.

*-*-*-*-*

Kian waited until he was certain Shane and Nicky had arrived at Nicky's parents’ house before he left home. It wasn't that he didn't want his friends to know where he was, it was just easier this way. He drove to the hospital as quickly as possible and when he reached Jade's room, he wasn't surprised to find Mark still by her side.

"Mark?" Kian greeted him.  
"Ki?"  
The younger boy yawned and rubbed his eyes before turning to greet his friend.  
"Hey" Kian whispered.  
"What are you doing here?"  
"I came to take you home"  
"What?"  
"Visiting hours are over and you can't stay here all night"  
"Why not?"  
"Mark"  
"Kian"  
"Come on" Kian placed his hand on Mark's shoulder and smiled at him. "There's nothing you can do for her now..."  
"Don't talk like that, Ki"  
"She'll wake up in her own time, Mark. But you shouldn't stay here. Let me drive you home"  
"I don't want to go home... Not without her. The place will seem so... Empty"  
"So... Come home with me then"  
"Are you kidding me?"  
"No. Shane's not home... He won't have to know. You can stay in my room and I'll stay in one of the guestrooms. I wouldn't want to watch you on that staircase"  
"I really don't think it's a good idea"  
"Come on, Mark. You can't stay here and you don't want to go home... You can't avoid Shane forever. So let's just get it over with. Come home with me, Mark. Please?"

Mark smirked.  
"What?" Kian asked, curious about the look in Mark's eye.  
"You sound like you're coming onto me" Mark told him.  
"Trust me, you're not my type"  
"Why isn't Shane home?" Mark asked as he turned back to look down at Jade.  
"Went out to dinner" Kian replied.  
"Bobby dies, Jade ends up in a coma and he goes out to celebrate?"  
"No. Shane and Nicky went to dinner with their parents. At Nicky's parent’s house"  
"Oh"  
"So they'll be gone a long time. Let's go home. We'll grab some Chinese and have a night in... You should rest that leg of yours too"  
"You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?"  
"No"

Mark sighed in defeat.  
"You're a lot pushier than Bryan" Mark told him.  
"Well, I try my best"  
"Okay... I'll go with you but if Shane-"  
"Stop trying to use him as an excuse"  
"It's not an excuse, it's the truth! I... I don't know what to say to him anymore. I don't know how to act. He looks at me with such anger and... And hate"  
"Shane doesn't hate you"  
"I can barely bring myself to look at Nicky for fear of how Shane will react"  
"Mark... What's done is done. Shane's a big boy and he will get over this. Maybe not overnight but eventually..."  
"He has every right to hate me, Ki"  
"You will be friends again... I know you will"  
"I really hope you're right..."

Mark leaned down and gently kissed Jade's forehead.  
"I'll be back tomorrow" he whispered to her.  
Kian smiled but didn't notice when Mark lowered his voice even further and whispered "I'm sorry"

*-*-*-*-*

When the two singers reached Nicky and Yvonne’s home, Shane's parents were already there and both families appeared to have been getting along rather well. Shane tried to help with dinner but Mae and Yvonne quickly threw him out of the Kitchen. Not wanting to discuss sports with their father's, the couple went out into the backyard and sat down on the steps of the gazebo. The blonde took a hold of his hand and the two of them sat in silence for several minutes.

"Should we really be out here?" Nicky eventually asked.  
"Why?" Shane replied.  
"Last time we sat here, our pictures ended up in the paper"  
"That's old news now, Nicky"  
"I know but..."  
"Shhhh" Shane placed his finger over Nicky's lips, silencing the older boy. "Forget about all that, Nix. Right now it's just you and me. I don't want to think about anything tonight except for us and our families"  
"But what about..."  
"Shhhh" Shane removed his finger and kissed Nicky's lips. "Just us, Nix"  
Nicky smiled and nodded.  
"Just us" he replied.

"Bye Nicky, bye Shane" Adam shouted from across the lawn. The two singers separated and waved to Nicky's younger brother.  
"Where's he going?" Shane asked. Nicky shrugged.  
"Maybe our parents want to give us 'the talk'?" Nicky suggested.  
"What exactly can they say to us now? That sex before marriage is bad?"  
"Shane!"  
"I'm kidding... Come on, let's go back inside"

*-*

Shane caught Nicky's eye and he smiled at him. The older boy returned the favor and placed his hand on Shane's knee. The brunette picked up the salad bowl and served both himself and Nicky before replacing the bowl on the table. He was too busy looking at Nicky to see the smile that passed between Nicky's mother and his own.  
Nicky's father was seated at the head of the table and he cleared his throat. Nicky lifted his hand from Shane's knee and placed it on the table. As his father began to say a short blessing, Nicky slid his hand across the table and placed it over Shane's. It felt nice, not having to hide these gestures from their parents. As Nicky's father finished speaking, Shane raised Nicky's hand to his lips and quickly kissed his palm.

"So," Mae spoke up as they all started eating. "Have you two set a date yet?"  
The couple exchanged an uneasy look, their earlier argument not yet forgotten.  
"Not yet, mam" Shane replied. "We really don't want to rush anything"  
"But as soon as we decide" Nicky added. "You'll be amongst the first to know"  
"I would expect so" Yvonne told her son. Shane laughed.  
Nicky stole a quick look at Shane. It sounded great, hearing a genuine laugh escape Shane's lips.

They all continued eating while none of them spoke for several minutes. Then Nicky noticed that Shane wasn't actually eating. He was merely pushing his food around his plate. Nicky knew it had been a bad idea to leave the house tonight.

"Thanks for having us around tonight, mam" Nicky said. "You know last minute and everything..."  
"Don't be silly" Yvonne replied. "You and Shane are always welcome here... Last minute or not!"  
"So what made you lads want to have dinner with us old folk tonight?" Peter asked.  
Nicky looked at Shane, wondering if he would answer his father. Once it was obvious Shane hadn't even heard the question, Nicky spoke on Shane's behalf.

"Shane wanted to get out of the house for awhile" Nicky admitted. "It feels like this trial's been going for months and it's only been two days! I think he just needed a break. We were going to go out... Just the two of us... But I thought we might get bothered by the press or photographers..."  
"Ahhh, you wanted us to be your decoys? Thought the press would leave you alone if you were with your families"  
Nicky bowed his head, guiltily.  
"Pretty much" Nicky admitted.  
"We understand" Yvonne said. "And if I hadn't already started cooking, we would have gladly gone out with the both of you" Nicky smiled gratefully at his mother.

"So you're keeping well?" His father asked. "Getting enough sleep, eating well?"  
"You're starting to sound like mam" Nicky replied as his suppressed a yawn.  
"Tired Nicky?" Peter asked. Nicky nodded.  
"It's just been a really long day" the singer confessed.  
"Not wearing each other out, are ye?"

Peter winked at his future son-in-law. The blonde almost choked on the wine he was drinking and he felt himself blushing.  
"Dad!" Shane exclaimed.  
"Honey, leave them alone" Mae told her husband though Nicky could see she was trying not to laugh.  
"I'm only teasing love... I remember when we first got married... At it like rabbits for the first few months..."  
"Please, dad!" Shane groaned. His father chuckled. "There are just some things people shouldn't know about their parents"  
"Yes" Yvonne agreed. "This is not an appropriate conversation to be having during dinner"

Shane was also blushing at his father's remark and Nicky found himself smiling. He leaned over and pressed his lips to Shane's ear.  
"You're cute when you blush" Nicky whispered.  
Shane turned to look at Nicky. He copied his lover and leaned in to whisper in Nicky's ear. The blonde dropped his fork and knocked over his wine glass. He managed to catch the glass before he could spill any wine on the tablecloth. He looked at Shane but the younger boy was already engrossed in conversation with his mother.

"Are you okay Nicky?" Yvonne asked him.  
He simply nodded, unable to form any words at that point in time. He couldn't believe Shane had just said that to him. And his voice... His voice had sounded, different. But in a good way. The words had just rolled off his tongue so naturally... And then he had immediately turned to his mother! Nicky held back a giggle as he found himself imagining the look on Mae's face if she'd heard her son's words.

"Would you excuse me for a minute?" Nicky said. Without waiting for an answer, he quickly stood up and left the room. He hurried up the stairs, into his old bedroom and closed the door.

"And how are you holding up Shane?" Yvonne asked him a few minutes later.  
"Honestly?" Shane replied. "I'm doing the best I can. I mean, I really could be doing better but then I could be a lot worse... And Nicky's been amazing! I don't think that... I mean, I know I couldn't have done this without him. It's been really hard on both of us. And we've had more arguments than I'd like to admit but I guess that's to be expected... We've had two today but we always pull through"  
"Because you care about each other" Peter added.  
"Because we love each other" Shane stated.  
"Couples fight, sweetheart..." Yvonne told him. "It's healthy. And with what the two of you have been going through, I'd be shocked if you didn't have a fight or two"

Another ten minutes passed and the group continued with more pleasant topics of conversation. Shane couldn't help but wonder why Nicky hadn't come back yet. He hoped his remark hadn't upset his lover. He now realized he shouldn't have said it and he vowed to apologize as soon as they were alone together.  
"Now where did Nicky disappear to?" Yvonne asked. "He's been gone awhile..."  
"Seventeen minutes" Shane told her. Mae and Yvonne exchanged a secret smile. "I'll go look for him"  
"I'm sure he'll be back any minute"  
"It's fine... I'll be right back"

Shane stood up and left the room. He then paused outside the doorway and proceeded to eavesdrop on their parents.

"This should be going a lot better" Shane heard Nicky's father say.  
"Well, I think we're doing okay" Mae told him.  
"I just don't know what to say to them... Or what not to say. Should we acknowledge what's happening in their lives right now or not? I mean, I just... I don't want to upset either one of them..."  
"I don't like the sound of all those arguments Shane said they keep having" Peter added.  
"Honey, all couples fight" his wife told him.  
"They've been through a lot" Yvonne said. "But I think they've done remarkably well to have come this far and still be there for one and other. I'm sure we can all agree that this is 'the real deal'. They love each other and, right now, that's all that matters"

*-*

Shane didn't know if he wanted to hear more or not but he did know that he needed to find Nicky. He quietly made his way through the house and up the stairs. His mind flashed back to the last time he'd walked up these stairs and found Nicky, shaking uncontrollably, on the bathroom floor.  
"Nicky?" Shane quietly called. No response.  
The bathroom door was open and the light was off so Shane guessed the blonde was in his old bedroom. He walked over to the door and knocked before opening it. Nicky was lying on the bed. And he was fast asleep! Shane smiled as he walked over to the blonde. He sat down on the floor then reached out to touch his love. He began to gently stroke his fingers through Nicky's hair.

"I'm sorry if I upset you" Shane told him. I shouldn't have said that. I mean, it was true... What I said... But it was inappropriate. I wasn't thinking and it just slipped out of my mouth"  
"We probably shouldn't have even come here tonight. I'm sorry I forced you to come out tonight. We should have staying in, quiet night at home... Yeah? Our parents are worried about us; I think they're finding it awkward... Being around us right now. They don't know what to say or... It can't be easy for them... Watching us go through that"  
"I don't know if we should say anything about Bobby... I mean, they'll find out eventually but..."

Shane's phone began to ring and he hurried to answer it before the noise could wake Nicky.  
"Hello?" Shane greeted the caller.

Nicky opened his eyes and watched Shane. The brunette had turned his back to Nicky but the blonde smiled at him anyway. He hadn't really been sleeping so he'd heard everything that Shane had just said to him.  
When the younger boy ended his call, he seemed quite mad but when he turned around and saw Nicky smiling at him... He couldn't help but smile back.

"That was Ryan on the phone" Shane told Nicky. "No court tomorrow. Apparently, Christian asked for a day off... So he could... Grieve for his brother and worry about his sister"  
"You're kidding?"  
"Do I look like I'm kidding, Nicky?"

The older boy sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He then petted the mattress beside him, urging Shane to join him. His lover walked over and sat down beside Nicky. The blonde slid his hand into Shane's and they both sat, in silence, for a few minutes.

"I'm scared, Nicky" Shane whispered.  
"Of what?" he asked.  
"Bobby's gone and Jade is in no condition to testify"  
"Shay..."  
"I'm scared I'm going to lose this trial"  
Nicky didn't want to scare Shane any further by agreeing with him, so he did the only thing he could think of. He held Shane in his arms, kissed him softly and told him how much he loved him.


	36. Chapter Thirty Five

During the drive home, both Nicky and Shane were very quiet. Neither one of them felt like talking nor did they know what to say to each other. The evening hadn't been a total disaster and Shane was just thankful for the distraction. He was also relieved their parents were so accepting of their relationship. Their parents had always gotten along but now they were set to be 'in-laws' and they all seemed quite pleased with the idea.

"I'm nervous about the up-coming tour" Nicky told Shane. The brunette nodded.  
"So am I" he admitted.  
"It'll all work out, yeah?"  
"Why wouldn't it?" Nicky shrugged. "Well, you know... We could postpone..."  
"Do you want to?"  
"I do if you do"  
"I don't know what I want..."  
"Maybe... Maybe we'd be better off on tour. You know, with lots of things to distract us and keep us occupied..."  
"We could just go on a holiday"  
"Cancel an entire tour just so we can have a holiday? I'm sure the fans would love that"  
"Forget the fans, Shane. What about us?"

Shane didn't say a word. He pulled the car to the side of the empty road and turned to look at Nicky. He reached out and placed his hand on the blonde's knee. He held Nicky's gaze and spoke truthfully to him.  
"We've already postponed once" Shane told him. "We couldn't do that to the fans again... If we did, they wouldn't be fans anymore"  
"They would understand! They know what we've been through... I don't want to disappoint them any more than you do but if neither one of us is ready for this then we won't be at our best. I think the fans would prefer another postponed tour instead of a crap one"  
"You... You're really serious about this?"  
Again, Nicky shrugged.  
"It's okay" Shane assured him as he stroked his hand across Nicky's knee. "Babe, it's okay. Just... Please don't rush this. Don't make any hasty decisions, okay? At least sleep on it. Then we can talk about this more tomorrow, okay?"  
"Okay"  
Shane leaned over and kissed Nicky's cheek. The older boy smiled at him. Shane smiled back before turning his attention back to the car. He placed his hands on the wheel and pulled back into the street. They both remained silent for the remainder of the drive home.

*-*-*-*-*

Nicky unlocked the front door and opened it. By the time both lads were inside and the door was locked behind them, Freddy was at their feet. Nicky picked him up and the puppy began to lick his face.  
"Are you hungry Freddy?" Nicky asked him as he put Freddy down again.  
"Bark!"  
"I'll take that as a yes" Nicky yawned.  
"I got it, Nix" Shane told him. "You should go to bed"  
"Are you sure?"  
"Course" Shane smiled as Nicky yawned again. "I'll be up in a few minutes"  
"Okay. Thanks Shay"

The older boy headed up the stairs, Freddy began to follow until he saw Shane heading into the Kitchen. Knowing where his food was, Freddy stopped and chased after Shane. Once he'd fed their puppy (and checked his water), Shane made his way to Kian's room. He wasn't sure if the younger boy was still awake, he just wanted to talk to him and also tell him they didn't need to go to court the next day.  
He could see a light on under the door so he knocked before going in.  
"Sorry to bother you so late..." Shane began as he pushed the door open. He froze in shock (and slight anger) when he saw Mark sitting on Kian's bed.  
"What the hell are you doing here?"

*-*

Nicky reached the top of the stairs and saw one of the bedroom doors open. The light was on too. He paused, slightly nervous. No one ever came up here apart from himself and Shane and he knew neither one of them had opened that door or left the light on. He held his breath for a moment, worried someone had broken in to their home and was about to see him. He told himself to remain calm; that he was thinking irrationally, and he slowly approached the open door. He reached the doorway and peered inside. The room was empty.

"Nicky?" The older boy jumped a mile but he refrained from screaming out loud.  
"Ki!" Nicky gasped. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"  
"Sorry" Kian replied. "I thought you heard me... That you knew I was behind you"  
Nicky shook his head.  
"So, how was dinner?"  
"It was okay"  
"And Shane was all right?"  
"Pretty much"  
"Are you okay? Did you lads have another fight?"  
"No, we didn't have another fight" Nicky snapped, defensively. "I'm just worried about him. I mean, he loses Bobby and the first thing he wants to do is go out on a date?"  
"Every one handles grief in their own way"  
"You know... At first, I didn't really 'get' his friendship with Bobby, Ki. I think a part of me was jealous of it actually... They had that connection, you know? Where they were the only ones who'd been there and experienced it all. And Shane felt he couldn't talk to me but he could talk to Bobby... Because Bobby had been there, he'd seen it all... He understood. I both loved and hated him for that reason. I loved that Shane had someone he could talk to but I hated that it wasn't me!"  
"What are you trying to say?"  
"Nothing... I don't know! Just... I..." Nicky sighed. "I never got to thank him for all that he did for Shane"  
"I'm sure he knew how grateful you were Nicky" Kian tried to reassure him.  
"Maybe... But I never actually said it to him"

"Where is Shane, anyway?" Kian asked, looking around.  
"He stopped to feed Freddy... Said he'd be right up though"  
"So what's taking him so long?"  
"I don't know..."

*-*

"Shane!" Mark stared at the older boy, like a deer caught in headlights, his eyes wide in shock. "Ki said you wouldn't find out"  
"What are you doing here?"  
"I'm not here by my choice Shane" Mark kept his voice calm. "I wanted to stay at the hospital with Jade but Ki wouldn't let me"  
Shane remained standing in the doorway, just staring at his band mate.  
"Does that hurt?" Shane asked, nodding at the cast around the younger boy's leg.  
"Yes"  
"Good"  
"Shane, I know you don't want me here and for that I don't want to be here either"  
Mark stared up at the older boy. He'd never wanted it to be like this. Shane turned to leave the room.

"I'm sorry" Mark told him. Shane stopped but didn't say anything. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. Are you really going to turn your back on ten years of friendship?"  
"You did" Shane turned back around to face Mark.  
"I never meant to"  
"Why?" Shane asked. He quickly lowered his head to hide his tears from Mark. "Why did you do it?"  
"I was jealous... And I let me emotions control me. But you know me, Shane! Do you really think I wanted any of that to happen to you?"  
Shane didn't answer him. Mark fell silent too. The two singers let the awkward silence envelope them.

"I mean, do you have any idea how lucky you are?" Mark finally blurted out.  
"Lucky?" Shane almost shouted. "I was forced to drink acid! I had a knife to my throat and was made to do things... Things you can't even imagine"  
"I'm talking about Nicky, Shane. You're lucky because you have Nicky! And h loves you. Every time I looked at you, all I could think was 'it should be me'. If I had just told Nicky how I felt about him first then he would have been with me"  
"You don't know that, Mark. Not really"  
"I know... But... I just... I would have been good to him. I would've made him happy, you know?"  
"Of course you would have" Shane whispered.

"I didn't know they were for real" Mark admitted. "And I didn't think you'd really get hurt"  
"I'm not ready to forgive you yet..."  
"But?"  
"But" Shane sighed. "But I guess I'm ready to listen"

*-*

"Shane?" The brunette turned and saw Nicky and Kian standing in the hall.  
"I'm sorry" Kian told him. "I didn't think you'd find out he was here"  
"Please don't start anything, Shay" Nicky told him.  
"Its okay, Nicky" Mark spoke up.  
"Yeah" Shane agreed. "It's okay. We're done here"

Shane turned his back on Mark and walked over to Nicky. He slid his arm around Nicky's waist and whispered in his ear. Nicky nodded then looked at Kian and Mark.  
"Lads" Nicky told them. "Tomorrow the four of us need to have a talk"  
"Before or after court?" Kian asked.  
"No court tomorrow... 'Cause of Bobby. But before Mark goes back to the Hospital, we're all going to talk about all of this"  
"Night lads" Shane said as he took Nicky's hand in his own.

Kian and Mark both watched as their band mates disappeared down the hall.  
"Was everything okay?" Kian asked Mark.  
"I feel like I don't know him anymore" Mark confessed. "He looks at me with such hatred in his eyes"  
"He'll get over it"  
"He said he wanted to hear me out"  
"Well, that's a good sign"  
"I hope so... What do you think they want to talk to us about?"  
"Not sure... But I guess it can't be too serious, I mean they only want to talk to us... If it were something bad, they'd want Bryan here too, right?"  
"I guess... What if he changes his mind and doesn't want to listen to what I have to say?"  
"Awww, come on Mark. Even Shane can't hold a grudge forever. Besides, I'm sure that... Deep down, he knows you didn't mean for this to happen"  
"How deep down?"  
"Deep enough... But everything that gets buried is eventually dug up again"  
"I don't want him to hate me anymore"  
"I know... And neither do I"

*-*

Shane collapsed on top of the duvet. He lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Nicky watched him for a moment, not saying a word. Then he walked over to the drawer and opened it.  
"Well, today officially sucked" Shane stated. He then propped himself up on his elbows to look at Nicky. The blonde was searching through the top drawer for his sweatpants.  
"Nicky?" Shane called. The blonde continued to ignore his lover. "Nix, babe?"  
Shane quickly climbed off the bed and walked over to Nicky. The blonde was trembling.  
"Nicky?" Shane gasped. He pulled the older boy into his arms and held him tightly. "Nix, what's wrong?"

The blonde nodded towards the open drawer. Shane followed his gaze and his eyes rested on an envelope. He recognized it as the one he'd taken to Nicky's parent’s house when he'd gone to win Nicky back. Nicky must have brought it home with him and put it in the drawer. One of the photographs had fallen out and the blonde had obviously been affected by the image.  
Shane released Nicky long enough to put the photograph back inside the envelope and slam the drawer shut. Then he led Nicky over to their bed and they both sat down.

"We just can't seem to win today, can we?" Shane whispered as he hugged Nicky.  
"I... I could remember" Nicky stammered. "Just for a second and then it was gone"  
Shane reached up and wiped the tear from Nicky's cheek. The blonde smiled at the sign of tender affection Shane offered him.  
"It's okay" Shane whispered. "It's all over now. They can't hurt you anymore" Nicky nodded. "Come on, let's go to bed. We've had a long day and really need some sleep"  
Again, Nicky nodded.

"Will you hold me, Shay?" Nicky asked.  
"All night, Nix" Shane replied.  
"Why can't our lives just be simple; ordinary even?"  
"Nothing about my love for you is 'ordinary' Nicky"

"Oh I'll be you use that line on all your fiancé’s Shay"  
"Nah, only on the ones I love and adore and cherish and will love forever"  
"You're such a romantic sap"  
"I know... And that's why you love me so much"  
"Hold me tighter Shane"  
"Like this?"  
"Yeah. Don't let me go, okay?"  
"Okay"  
"Goodnight"  
"Night babe"  
Shane kissed Nicky's forehead then closed his eyes. They both immediately nodded off to sleep.


	37. Chapter Thirty Six

Nicky blinked several times then stifled a yawn. He reached out to Shane but the bed beside him was empty. He opened his eyes and sat up, looking frantically around the room. The younger boy was standing by the window, staring out into the yard.  
"Morning" Nicky greeted Shane.  
The brunette turned around and smiled at Nicky.  
"Morning" Shane replied. "You feeling okay?"  
"Yeah" Nicky replied. "I'm sorry I freaked last night"  
"Let's just forget about yesterday... Pretend it never happened"  
"We can't do that, Shay"  
"Sure we can"  
"So... Does that mean you've changed your mind about Mark?"  
"Have you given any more thought to the tour?"  
Nicky shrugged.  
Shane smiled again before walking over to the bed. He climbed on to the mattress beside Nicky and wrapped his arms around the blonde's neck. Nicky leaned closer and rested his forehead against Shane's.

"I didn't say I didn't want to do the tour" Nicky told him. "I just said I was nervous about it"  
"I'm nervous about it too but we'll be okay"  
"You promise?"  
"No, I can't promise anything Nicky"  
"I know"  
"Is... Uh... Is that what you wanted to talk to Mark and Kian about? The tour I mean"  
"Yes and no. I mean, I'm sure it'll get brought up at some point but I... I was mostly... Um... Referring to you and Mark. The two of you really need to talk and Kian and I have to be there... Maybe Bryan too"  
"Do you want to invite Louis and Simon while you're at it?" Shane couldn't help but ask. Nicky ignored the tone in Shane's voice and continued talking.  
"If you can't reconcile with Mark, then we should just cancel the tour altogether and call it a day"

Shane pulled away from Nicky and stared at him, surprised.  
"You... You think the band should split up?" Shane stammered.  
"No, I don't want to... But it might be the only way"  
"But... Nicky..." Shane sighed. "Just because you're nervous about the tour that's no reason for us all to split up"  
"This isn't about me, Shane. This is about you and Mark and whether the two of you are capable of being friends again!"

"I have work to do" Shane stated as he climbed off the bed. He located a t-shirt and some pants and quickly began to get dressed.  
"Shane..." Nicky tried to coax him back to bed.  
"I'll be in the stable if you need me"  
He pulled on a pair of riding boots then opened the bedroom door.  
"Shay?" Nicky called again.

The younger boy slammed the door shut behind him. Nicky sighed and shook his head in defeat. Shane was being so frustrating and Nicky couldn't help but feel that every time something happened to bring them closer together, another thing would happen that would push them further apart.

*-*-*-*-*

Shane slammed the door shut, startling two of his horses. He ignored them and marched across the stable then he collapsed on top of a pile of hay. He closed his eyes and told himself to calm down. He knew he'd snapped at Nicky for no reason and he felt awful. He promised himself he'd apologize when he went back inside. As he tried to keep his breathing even, a noise caused him to open his eyes. He quickly sat up and looked around.  
"Nicky?" Shane called.   
"No" came the response.  
"Mark"  
"Yeah"

Shane stood up and turned around. The younger boy was standing by one of the horse's stalls. He was leaning against the wooden door, gently stroking the horse's mane. His crutches were against the wall beside him.  
"What are you doing out here?" Shane asked him.

"Do you remember the first time you took me out horse riding?"  
"Yeah... I was terrified you were going to permanently injure yourself. But you turned out to be a natural"  
"Uh... I'd been riding before"  
"What? You never said..."  
"I wanted to impress you. Those were the days; remember how we used to show off to impress our friends?"  
Shane actually smiled at these words.  
"Man we had some fun time..."  
"We sure did"  
"Remember the time you chased Kian on the horse... And he ran straight into a wall!"  
"Or the time your horse threw you into the lake"  
"And you..." Shane trailed off.  
"You're one of my best friends, Shane. I would never want anyone or any thing to hurt you. Not even back then and especially not now!"  
"I want to believe you... I want to forgive you"  
"So why can't you?"  
"I don't know"

Shane stared down at his hands. He forced himself not to smile again as his mind filled with images of happier times. He could see himself with Mark and Kian in high school. He remembered his horse throwing him into a lake, years ago, and Mark jumping in after him to pull him out. It hadn't even been necessary as Shane hadn't been injured... But Mark had still done it.  
"Shane?" Mark began. The older boy slowly looked up at him. "I'm sorry you lost Bobby"  
Shane nodded his head. "I'm sorry I said 'good' when you said your leg hurt"  
Mark nodded.

"I didn't know they were being serious" Mark told Shane. "I just thought it was all a joke... They never said anything about hurting you"  
"Nicky wants me to forgive you... But it's going to take me some time. Everything that's happened has been haunting me... all this time... And I kept wondering 'why me?' What had I done wrong to deserve something like that...? Then when they hurt Nicky too..."   
Shane forced back a sob. "And then you said you were responsible for it all and I finally had someone to blame and I... I wanted to kill you. But Nicky and Kian think you're making it harder on yourself because you feel guilty. They say you're not responsible and you say you are... You say you are and then want to know why I can't forgive you."

"I didn't take them seriously... If I had, I... I could have stopped it. As soon as you were taken, I should have said something to the cops but I was scared. I didn't want every one to know about my feelings for Nicky or my... Or the envy I felt towards you"  
"So... Talk me through it all"  
"Now?"  
"Unless you'd rather wait for Kian and Nicky..."

Mark nodded. He reached out and grabbed his crutches then he made his way across the barn towards Shane. The older boy stood up and helped Mark over to a solid bale of hay. He helped him sit down then lay the crutches on the ground. Then Shane hoisted himself onto a taller pile of hay and looked down at Mark.  
"I don't really know where to start" Mark admitted.  
"Just... Say the first time that comes to mind" Shane told him.  
"I had no idea that you and Nicky felt that way about each other... And the first time I saw you kissing him, I felt like my heart had just been ripped out"

*-*

Nicky closed his eyes and rested his head against the tiled wall. The water from the showerhead was just the right temperature and it flowed over his body. He wanted to pretend he was washing away his argument with Shane. He hated starting the day with an argument and today was no different. After showering, he decided, he'd find Shane and try to talk to him. The blonde was hopeful that once this trial was over, their lives would get back on track. Of course they wouldn't go 'back to normal' as their lives hadn't been 'normal' for quite some time.  
He opened his eyes and stared down at his chest. Several burn marks still remained on his skin. As he reached for the shampoo, his eyes fell upon his engagement ring and he smiled. Then he looked at his wrist and he remembered waking up in hospital with bandages on both his wrists. For a moment, he'd wondered if he'd tried to slash them himself. But he'd then been told he'd been handcuffed for three days straight and his skin was going to be sensitive for a few days.  
As he examined his wrists, he could visualize the rusty chain which had kept him from escaping.

Nicky yelped as the shampoo bottle slipped from his fingers. He buried his face in his hands and shook his head. First the memory flashes last night and now this one. He took a deep breath to calm himself down before retrieving the bottle from the shower floor. With shaking hands and trembling fingers, Nicky managed to finish washing his hair. He turned off the water, collected his towel and proceeded to dry himself without even realizing what he was doing.  
He wrapped the towel around his waist and walked into the bedroom. He sat down on the bed and tried to compose himself. If these memory flashes were going to continue, then he knew it would only be a matter of time before he saw something he wasn't ready to see or remember. As desperate as he was to remember being with Shane, he still wasn't quite ready to have all those memories back.

He looked down at the ring on his finger and noticed his hand was still shaking. He climbed back onto the bed and burrowed under the duvet. He pulled it up over his head and closed his eyes. The outside world could wait, right now Nicky just wanted to stay in bed ... Where he was safe. But he knew he'd feel even safer if he was in Shane's arms.

Knock, knock.

"Nicky?" Kian's voice flowed from the doorway.  
Nicky reluctantly peered out from under the duvet.  
"You okay?" Kian asked.  
"I'm fine" Nicky mumbled.  
"Where's Shane?"  
"Outside"  
"Did you two have another fight?"  
"Fuck you, Ki"

Kian took a step back. He hadn't meant to upset his friend.  
"I'm sorry" Kian told him. "I guess I'll talk to you later"

The younger boy left and closed the door. Nicky felt bad for snapping at Kian but right now, he didn't have the energy to go after him and apologize.  
He just wanted Shane... And he wasn't going to move until Shane came for him.

*-*-*-*-*

The entire time Mark talked, Shane listened. He didn't say a word, didn't make a single sound. He remained perfectly still and refrained from showing any sign of emotion on his face.  
"And... That's everything" Mark finished. "There's nothing more I can say... Only, that I'm sorry"  
Shane held up his hand to silence his band mate. The younger boy immediately stopped speaking. He stared up at Shane with hope (and slight desperation) in his eyes. But the older boy wouldn't look at him. Mark watched, in silence, as Shane jumped down from where he'd been perched and started to walk away.  
"Shane?" He didn't shout it, didn't cry it. He barely even whispered it. "Shane, please?"  
The brunette continued to walk away. He didn't look back.

***

Shane opened the stable door and found Kian standing outside. He didn't know how long he'd been standing there, nor did he care. He met Kian's eye but didn't open his mouth. The blonde instantly knew that now wasn't a good time to attempt to speak to his friend, so he let him go. Once Shane was out of ear-shot, Kian turned his attention to the stable. He could just make out Mark's defeated form.

"Mark?" Kian called.  
"Here" Mark replied.  
"Are you okay? What happened? Shane..."  
"Help me up..."  
"I can't... I... I can't come any closer..."

A smile danced across Mark's lips but quickly faded.  
"They're all locked in stalls, Ki" Mark stated as he collected his crutches and awkwardly climbed to his feet.  
The two singers slowly crossed the backyard. Kian helped Mark onto the patio and they both sat down at the table. The blonde ran his hand across the hard surface, momentarily lost in thought. It felt like years had passed since he'd cooked for breakfast for Shane & Nicky's anniversary.

"What happened?" Kian asked, pulling himself from his own thoughts.  
"Shane listened" Mark replied.  
"It's a start, Mark. He's trying"  
"He wouldn't even look at me, Ki"  
"He just needs some time, y'know to process everything..."

"Will you drive me to the hospital?" Mark tried to divert the conversation.  
"You mean later, right?" Kian nodded as he spoke.  
"No, now?"  
"What?"  
Mark sighed. "Shane's heard what I had to say. Now it's probably best I leave"  
"Well... I'll drive you, on the condition you stay here again tonight"  
"No"  
"Mark!" Kian softened his voice. He reached across the table and placed his hand on Mark's. "I just, I don't want you to be alone right now"  
"Then you come home with me"  
"I can't leave Nicky and Shane..."  
"Why not? They don't need a babysitter, Kian. And besides, I... I think they could really use some 'alone time' together... Don't you?"

Kian could see how much it hurt Mark to say that about his friends.  
"Maybe you're right..." Kian agreed. "But... what if they get into another argument?"  
"Then they'll work it out. You won't be living with them forever, you know! I mean, you're not planning on intervening on every disagreement they have from now on, are you?"  
Kian didn't reply.  
"Couples fight and argue, Ki. It's what they do"  
"I know that... But... What about... I thought Nicky wanted to talk to us. All of us"  
"I don't think Shane's going to be in much of a listening mood today..."

Kian sighed in agreement. His mind flashed to Nicky, upstairs and huddled under the blankets on the bed.  
"Neither is Nicky... I went to check on him earlier... And he told me to fuck off"  
"Really? Is... Is he okay?"  
"I... I really don't know anymore. They've both been through so much and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier for them. But I'm guessing Shane will go looking for him, eventually if not now, and with any luck they'll be able to talk each other around"   
Mark nodded.  
"Can you take me home first?" Mark stated.  
Kian blinked at Mark's request.  
"I... I need a change of clothes" the younger boy explained.  
"And a shower?" Kian suggested.  
"Are you saying I stink?"  
"Not in so many words"  
Mark reached out and lightly punched Kian's arm. Kian simply laughed.

*-*-*-*-*

Shane's feet carried him back inside the house and directly upstairs to his bedroom. He opened the door, went inside and closed the door behind him. He could see Nicky's form buried under the duvet.  
'Still in bed?' Shane wondered. He knew he'd upset the blonde by storming out earlier but he hadn't expected to find him still in bed.  
He noticed the bathroom door was ajar. There was water on the tiles and a stray towel had been thrown on the floor. Shane didn't understand why Nicky would have a shower and then go back to bed.

He kicked off his shoes and slowly walked across the room. He tried to be noisy in his approach, so as not to startle his lover. He lifted the duvet and climbed into the bed beside Nicky. The older boy was trembling. Shane moved even closer to Nicky and lightly brushed his fingers through Nicky's damp hair.

"Shay?" Nicky whispered.  
"I'm here, babe" Shane softly replied. "I'm sorry I stormed out"  
Nicky turned his head to look at the younger boy, blinking back tears he whispered to his love.  
"I'm sorry I snapped at you"

Shane nodded. He settled down under the covers and reached out to hold Nicky. His fingers brushed against Nicky's bare flesh and he froze. Shane wondered if the blonde was naked under the duvet.  
"Hold me" Nicky whispered.   
"Nicky... What happened?" Shane asked.  
"Hold me, Shay" Nicky said again. "Please?"

Shane did as he love asked. He slid his arm around Nicky's waist and was relieved to feel a towel covering the lower half of Nicky's body. He pulled the older boy to him and felt Nicky's trembling body molding against his own.  
The blonde closed his eyes. He could feel Shane's breathe on his neck and he slowly began to calm down. As the minutes passed, his trembling subsided and he placed his hand over Shane's, which was resting lightly on Nicky's chest.

"Nix?" Shane breathed in Nicky's ear. "What happened?"  
"I... I remembered something else" Nicky replied and he felt Shane's body tense against his. "Just a quick flash of the... The chains on my wrists" Nicky felt some of the tension leave his lover as he spoke. "It's starting to happen more frequently"  
"Are you scared?"  
Nicky nodded.  
"What... What's it going to be like when I... When I remember one of them fucking me?" Nicky cried.  
"Shhhh" Shane soothed his love by placing a gentle kiss on his shoulder. "Don't do this, babe"  
"Do what?" Nicky asked. "Force the inevitable?"  
"Don't upset yourself. I know it must be scary for you but... Please, try not to think about it. It'll happen when it happens but until then... Just try to hold on to the good memories"  
"The good ones..." Nicky whispered, nodding his head.  
"Our first kiss" Shane suggested. Nicky smiled at the thought. "The first time I held you in my arms while you slept. Our weekend away in Cork"  
"The first time you told me you loved me..."  
Nicky could feel Shane nodding his head in agreement.

The older boy raised Shane's hand to his lips and kissed his fingers. He then stroked Shane's hand across his own cheek, rolling over as he did so. The couple now lay in bed, under the duvet, facing each other. Both their hands were still touching the blonde's face. They looked into each other's eyes; Nicky's nervously licked his lips. The younger boy leaned forward to kiss him but the blonde attempted to pull away.  
"Shay" Nicky argued. "I... I haven't brushed my teeth"  
"Neither have I" Shane replied.  
"Oh you're such a romantic"  
"For you, Nicky, I can be anything"

Shane succeeded in bringing his lips to Nicky's and they shared a tender embrace. Shane closed his eyes and tried to lose himself in Nicky's arms. He didn't want to have to think about everything Mark had said to him. He knew he'd soon have to tell Nicky about his talk with Mark but he wanted to enjoy this moment for a little longer first.  
Nicky's actions were very slow and it took Shane a few moments to notice what his lover was doing. Nicky's fingers were still entwined with Shane's and he'd begun to trail them down the length of his own body. He'd just reached the top of the towel when Shane had an inkling of what he was up to.

"Nicky?" Shane whispered; his voice laced with uncertainty... And a hint of wanting.  
"Please?" Nicky replied, his voice barely audible.

Shane looked into Nicky's eyes. He saw the determination and certainty displayed beneath his lover's lashes. Shane nodded his consent. Nicky released Shane's hand and used his own to remove the towel from his body. He moved slowly but with tenacity and when Shane's finger's brushed his skin, he didn't flinch. He stared into Shane's eyes and whispered three precious words to him.


	38. Chapter Thirty Seven

Shane opened his eyes then blinked several times in confusion. He wasn't aware he'd drifted off to sleep. He looked up at the clock and calculated that he'd left Mark out in the stable more than an hour ago. Then he became aware of the fact that he was alone. The last thing he remembered was holding Nicky in his arms before he must have dozed off.  
His eyes fell upon the closed bathroom door and his throat turned dry. The sound of the water flowing from the shower was pounding against his ear-drums. Shane knew Nicky had already had a shower this morning, why on earth would he have another one?

The brunette climbed off the bed and made his way over to the closed door. He slowly reached out and gripped the handle. The feeling of unease was present in his stomach as he pushed open the door.  
Steam rushed out through the open door and Shane forced his eyes to focus on the shower. Nicky was inside and, even over the sound of the running water, Shane could hear him crying. The younger boy hurried across the wet floor and forced the shower door open. He reached in through the searing hot water and turned the tap off.  
Nicky immediately slumped to the floor. His hands were violently and frantically scrubbing his own body. The blonde was shaking his head from side to side and sobbing the words 'too soon' over and over again.

Shane reached out and grabbed one of Nicky's hands in an attempt to stop him from causing himself any more pain. The blonde's hands were red raw and Shane could see specks of blood forming underneath his fingernails.

"Nicky?" Shane tried to calm him down. "Nicky, what happened?"  
"No!" Nicky cried as he struggled to pull away from Shane.  
"Nicky please?" Shane could hear the desperation in his own voice.  
"Don't touch me!" Nicky screamed.  
"No" Shane whispered.  
Nicky violently jerked away from Shane and started frantically scrubbing his hands upon his already inflamed member.  
"No!" Shane called.

 

"Stop!"  
Shane's heart was pounding. His hands were shaking and his entire body was covered in a fine layer of sweat. He leapt off the bed and took several deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down. His legs gave way beneath him and he dropped down to his knees and leaned against the bed. 'It was only a dream' his mind rationed with him. His eyes quickly scanned the room for his love but he was alone.  
He spotted the closed bathroom door and he almost screamed. He jumped to his feet and ran to the closed door. The terrified singer threw the door open and froze in the doorway.

Nicky was standing in front of the sink, holding a comb in one hand. He was now looking at Shane in the mirror, confused by the brunette's sudden intrusion. As he turned to face the younger boy, Shane flew across the room and wrapped his arms around Nicky.

"Shay? What-?" Nicky began.  
Shane pressed his lips to Nicky's, effectively silencing the blonde. After several seconds, Shane broke the embrace and grabbed both Nicky's hands in his own. He looked down at them and was relieved to find no trace of raw skin or any signs of bleeding. He raised their hands to his mouth and kissed Nicky's fingers.

"Shane?" Nicky tried again. "What's gotten into you?"  
"Nothing" Shane smiled. "It's fine"  
"Shane!"

The younger boy recognized the tone in his lover's voice and he knew he'd have to tell him the truth. He knew he needed to tell him the truth.  
"Really, it's not big deal" Shane kept his tone light, attempting to play-down his fear. "I just... I had a bad dream"  
"About me?"  
"Forget about it, babe. It's all okay now"  
"Shay, tell me about it. Please?"

Shane's eyes briefly met with Nicky's and he sighed in defeat. Still holding Nicky's hand, Shane led the older boy out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom. The two of them walked over to the bed and they both sat down, Shane refused to release Nicky's hand.  
"I... Uh... I dreamt that you were in the shower" Shane found himself blushing slightly as he said the words but Nicky didn't draw attention to his discomfort. "And I walked in and found you... Found you..." Shane sighed as he tried to find the right words to describe what Nicky had been doing in his dream. "You were... scrubbing your skin. Really rough, like. And it was so bad that your hands were red and starting to bleed"  
"It was just a dream" Nicky didn't know what else to say.  
"I tried to stop you" Shane continued. "But you pushed me away and... And you told me not to touch you. Then you started scraping at your c..." he took a deep breath as he refused to let tears fill his eyes. "Where you let me touch you earlier... You said it was too soon and you kept telling me... Not to touch you"

Tears were spilling down Shane's cheeks and Nicky's breath caught in his throat. He extracted one of his hands from Shane's grasp and used it to wipe the tears from the brunette's face.

"It was just a dream" Nicky assured him. "I promise I'm not going to do that. I swear to you, it wasn't 'too soon' Shane. It was perfect"  
Shane looked at Nicky with uncertainty in his eyes but Nicky could see the hope too.  
"It was perfect" Shane whispered in agreement.  
"I wish it could have been more but-"  
"But we're not ready for that yet"  
"One day, we will be"  
"I know" Shane nodded.

Nicky leaned over and kissed Shane's forehead. The brunette wrapped his arms around Nicky and they held each other for a moment. Shane felt his love sigh but he didn't speak. He buried his face in Nicky's chest and closed his eyes. Nicky's breath was warm against his skin. Shane's heart began to pound as the blonde whispered in his ear.

"I wish we could be... together" Nicky breathed. "I wish I could remember what it felt like, to have you inside me... To remember the look on your face when you came"  
"You looked beautiful" Shane told him. "There was a fire in your eyes that I'd never seen before. And in that moment I... I fell in love with you all over again"  
"If only I could remember..."  
"You will, babe"

Nicky slowly pulled away from Shane and reluctantly released him.  
"Well" Nicky began. "I guess we can't stay in here all day"  
"What do you suggest we do?"  
"I know just what to do! Have a shower and I'll meet you downstairs in fifteen minutes"  
The older boy jumped up and hurried from the room.

*-*

The blonde bounded into the Kitchen and stopped when he saw Kian and Mark.  
"Morning Nicky" Mark greeted him.  
"Uh, morning lads" Nicky replied. "Ki, I'm really sorry about earlier"  
Kian shrugged and shook his head.  
"Forget about it, Nix" Kian told him.  
"I was a jerk and I'm sorry"  
"I know... But no harm done"

"Uh, what are you two up to?" Nicky asked them.  
"I'm going to take Mark home" Kian said as he pulled on his jacket. "Then we're going over to the hospital to stay with Jade for a while"  
Nicky nodded.  
"Where's Shane?" Mark asked.  
"Upstairs" Nicky replied. "Wait, weren't you going to talk to him? Explain to him?"  
"I did. Uh, he heard me out but that was all"  
"Oh..." Nicky could tell from the tone of Mark's voice that it hadn't gone well.  
"I'll wait in the car, Ki" Mark told Kian. "I'll see you later, Nicky"

Mark adjusted his crutches and slowly made his way out of the room. Kian and Nicky watched him go but neither of them spoke until he was out of ear-shot.  
"Is Mark gonna be okay?" Nicky asked him.  
"I hope so" Kian admitted. "Listen, uh... I'm going to stay with Mark today and uh... I tried to talk him into staying here again tonight but he wouldn't go for it"  
"It was nice of you to try. He really shouldn't be alone right now... You know, with his injuries and all"  
"Exactly. So... I'm going to stay at his place tonight. Just to make sure he's okay"  
"That's a good idea"  
"Will you and Shane be okay here on your own?"  
"We'll be fine"  
"Call me if you need to"  
"You know we will"

Nicky watched Kian leave the Kitchen. He heard the younger boy's footsteps disappear down the hall. A few minutes later he appeared again, holding an overnight bag. He waved to Nicky and the older boy called a quick goodbye. The front door slammed closed behind his house mate and Nicky turned his attention back to the Kitchen where he set about preparing a late breakfast for himself and Shane.

*-*

By the time Shane entered the Kitchen Nicky had set the table and was just arranging their meal on two plates. The brunette paused in the doorway and watched his love for a moment. Nicky could feel Shane's eyes on him and he turned to smile at him.

"Hope you're hungry" Nicky told him.  
"Starving" Shane replied.

Shane walked over to the table and sat down. Nicky leaned forward to place one of the plates in front of him and Shane stole a quick kiss. The blonde smiled again before sliding into the seat opposite his. They both ate in silence for a few minutes. Nicky wondered if he should ask Shane about his conversation with Mark. As though reading his mind, Shane spoke up.

"Any idea where Kian and Mark are?"  
"They left... Bout ten minutes ago"  
"Oh"  
"Ki took Mark home then the two of them were going to the hospital"  
Shane nodded and continued eating.  
"Kian's not going to be home tonight" Nicky continued. "He... He said he's going to stay with Mark"

"Is there something going on between those two?" Shane asked with a slight twinkle in his eye.  
Nicky almost choked on his orange juice.  
"Kian & Mark?" Nicky asked, coughing slightly. "Well, you've known them longer than I have..."  
"Nah" Shane shook his head. "No way... Though now that I think about it... what happened with Ki and Kat?"  
"They called it off awhile back. Ki said he felt weird sleeping with our shrink... And she was a little old for him"  
Shane nodded in agreement.  
"So we've got the place to ourselves tonight?" Shane asked.  
"Looks like it" Nicky didn't meet Shane's eye.  
"What do you say we have a quiet night in? I'll cook dinner and then maybe we can light a fire and watch a couple of movies?"  
"Sounds nice"  
"Are you all right?"  
"I'm fine, Shane"

They both fell silent again and continued to eat their meals. Several times their eyes met but one of them would quickly look away. Once they finished eating, Nicky cleared the table while Shane washed the dishes. As Nicky wiped the table, his face broke into a grin and he started laughing. Shane heard his laughter and smiled then he turned to look at Nicky.

"What is it?" Shane asked Nicky.  
"Look at us" Nicky replied. "We've become totally domesticated"  
"We're an old married couple already"  
"Exactly!"

Shane tossed the tea-towel aside and turned his complete attention to Nicky.  
"Come on, let's get out of here" Shane told him.  
"Now? We haven't finished cleaning yet" Nicky argued.  
"So? It'll still be here when we get back"  
"Okay"  
"Well... Where are we going?"  
Nicky walked up to Shane and placed his finger to the brunette's lips.  
"It's a surprise... I'm driving!"

*-*-*-*-*-*

They spent the remainder of the day at Wicklow National Park. The couple took their favorite walking trail past Poulanass waterfall and through Glenealo Valley. The weather was nice, if a little chilly. The two of them sat by the waterfall, holding each other and sharing body heat, as the afternoon passed them by. They both returned home in a state of mild euphoria.  
As Nicky lit a fire and scanned through their collection of movies, Shane moved about in the Kitchen. They sat down to a tuna and broccoli pasta with tomato red pepper sauce and a bottle of red wine.

After their meal, Nicky led Shane into the Living room. The younger boy was slightly apprehensive about entering the room but he didn't want to be responsible for ruining their near-perfect day. They curled up together on the couch and relaxed by the light and warmth of the fire. As the movie began, they both fell silent and settled down to watch it. Neither one of them spoke or moved, except to pour more wine. 

During a particularly significant scene, Shane dropped a kiss on the crown of Nicky's head before he spoke.  
"I talked to Mark today" Shane admitted.  
Nicky's eyes didn't leave the television screen but, as the couple made love, Nicky replied to Shane's statement.  
"I know. He told me"  
"Why didn't you say something to me about it?"  
"I knew you'd tell me in your own time. Besides, I was worried we'd argue about it and today's been too perfect for an argument"  
Shane sighed.  
"What is it, Shay?" Nicky whispered.  
"A part of me is wishing that was us" Shane admitted as he nodded towards the TV.  
"What? Making love in the back seat of a car on a ship that's going to sink?"  
"Well... Maybe not the car or the ship part"

Shane smiled as Nicky giggled and he nuzzled his face against the blonde's neck.  
"In a perfect world I'd be making love to you in front of that fire right now" Shane told him.  
"True" Nicky agreed. "But then we wouldn't be sitting here, holding each other like this"  
"We can still have nights like this one. Sex and romantic evenings don't have to be mutually exclusive"  
"For now we can just pretend we are that old married couple we joked about earlier... Where the sex is gone but our love isn't"

Nicky bought their lips together in a single, gentle embrace. They held the touch for a brief moment before separating and turning their attention back to the movie.  
"Shay?" Nicky asked.  
"Mmmm?" Shane replied.  
"Are you... Nervous about tomorrow?"  
"Let's not talk about that anymore tonight. I want the rest of the night to be as perfect as the day we shared"  
"Okay. I promise... Not another word"  
"Thank you"

Shane held Nicky's hand in his and smiled down at his love.  
"Nicky?" Shane whispered.  
"Shane?" Nicky replied.  
"No, I'm not nervous" Shane confessed. "I'm terrified"


	39. Chapter Thirty Eight

The following morning, Nicky awoke to an empty room. He quickly showered and dressed before making his way down the stairs. As he entered the Kitchen he was greeted by Shane and Shane's lawyer, Ryan. Both men looked rather grim but they both smiled at Nicky. The blonde shook hands with Ryan before crossing the room and placing a 'good-morning' kiss on Shane's cheek. The brunette smiled at him then watched as Nicky made himself a cup of tea.

"Ryan thinks they might put me on the stand today" Shane admitted to Nicky.  
The older boy nearly dropped the mug he'd been holding.  
"What?" Nicky gasped. "Today?"  
"I had been hoping to stall a little longer" Ryan told them. "But... Given the current circumstances... Both your key witnesses being unable to testify on your behalf..."

"What's the worst case scenario?" Nicky came straight out and asked the lawyer.  
Ryan quickly began to search the table for some of his papers. After a moment, he located what he'd been searching for and quickly scanned it with his eyes.  
"Worse case?" Ryan cleared his throat. "Shane's blood was found on the premises... They can be charged with kidnapping and, most likely, aggravated assault. Two to five years maximum for that... But if the rape charges hold then best case is... Twelve years. Eight without parole"  
"That's it?" Nicky asked.

"Did you know?" Nicky looked at Shane. "Did you know that was the best you would get out of this?"  
"Yes" Shane confessed.  
"Why didn't you tell me? You're putting yourself through all this... And the worst they can get is twelve years!"  
"I don't care what they get Nicky" Shane told his love. "As long as they get *something*. I... I can't just let them get away with it"

Nicky quickly calmed himself down. He was still slightly shocked by what he deemed an 'easy-sentence' for Shane's tormentors but he knew he needed to be strong for Shane. He quickly reached out and slid his arm around the brunette's shoulders.  
"I'm sorry" he said. "I was just... Expecting more, I guess"  
Shane nodded.  
"I know... I mean, sure I'd have liked something a little 'harsher' but... Well, beggars can't be choosers"  
"But you're not a beggar, Shane... You're the victim!"

"Nicky" Shane placed his hand on Nicky's cheek and looked deep into his eyes. "If I get on that stand today... It could all be over by tonight"  
"Really?"  
"Yeah"  
"But... Are you ready for that?"  
"I don't know"

Ryan watched the two singers with a heavy heart. He knew he needed to tell them the truth but his young client still had so much hope and he didn't want to be the one to take it away. Yet it was his job to keep them informed.  
"Shane?" he began.  
The couple finished their exchange and they both turned to look at Ryan.

"I have to be honest with you both" Ryan told them. "The jury are the ones you need to convince. When the Gardai raided the premises, you weren't there. All they found were traces of your blood, which proves you were there at some point, yet it doesn't prove the rape charges. Bobby Howard kept removing all the physical evidence after each assault you were subjected to... And while he believed he was doing the right thing by removing you before the Gardai arrived... Well, the claim is circumstantial now"  
"But there were photos" Nicky spoke up. "Pictorial evidence... Why hasn't that been included with the other evidence?"  
"Because..." he sighed "They were stolen from the evidence lock-up several months ago... And therefore can't be used"

"So, you're saying it's basically my word against theirs?" Shane asked.  
"I'm afraid so"  
"Why didn't you tell us this sooner?" Nicky enquired.  
"I did" Ryan defended himself.  
"When?"  
"I told all of this to Shane the day you came home from the hospital" Ryan replied, staring Nicky directly in the eye.

Shane's heart skipped several beats. He barely remembered a word his lawyer had said to him that day. He'd been too distracted planning a second engagement proposal to Nicky.  
The blonde looked at Shane, a look of sadness in his eyes.  
"And you didn't tell me because... By the time you got home... I was gone" Nicky stated.

Ryan's phone began to ring and he quickly left the room to take the call. While he was gone, Nicky and Shane simply looked at each other but neither one of them spoke. Both of them were thinking back over the events of that day.

"Can you do it?" Nicky whispered. "Win over the jury?"  
"I have to" Shane replied.

The lawyer returned and began to collect up all his papers.  
"I have to go" Ryan told them. "Mr. Howard's attorney wishes to meet with me"  
"Do you know why?" Shane asked.  
"Well... He knows about the accident and the loss of your witnesses... They might try to change their plea"  
"Can they do that?"  
"They can try... Put an offer out there..."  
"Will you accept it?" Nicky asked him.  
"It depends on the terms"  
"Good luck" Shane added.

*-*

Shane accompanied Ryan to his car. He promised to arrive at the courthouse a few minutes earlier than usual, to discuss the offer Christian's lawyer would most likely make. Ryan bid him farewell and climbed into his car. Shane waved to him before going back inside the house. He closed the front door and made his way back to the Kitchen.  
The anxious singer nervously brushed his hand through his hair and sighed. It was going to be a long day.

The brunette reached the archway leading into the Kitchen and stopped. Nicky was staring out the back window; an unreadable expression masked his face. Shane smiled to himself then crossed the room. He slid his arms around Nicky's waist and rested his chin on the blonde's shoulder. Nicky smiled and entwined his fingers with Shane's. The couple held each other close for several minutes, both staring out into the backyard. Finally, Shane turned and pressed his lips to Nicky's cheek.

"No matter what happens..." Shane whispered in Nicky's ear. "Thank you for always being with me"  
"Shay..."  
"I mean it, Nicky... I never could have made it this far without you"  
"Well, thank you for making it so easy for me to love you"  
"Don't try to cheapen this, Nix" Shane smiled. "I want you to know just how much you mean to me"  
"I'm not... And I do know, Shay... I can see it, in your eyes, every time you look at me"  
"God, Nicky... I love you so much"

Nicky slowly turned around and wrapped his arms around Shane's neck. The younger boy stared into his lover's eyes before leaning in and kissing him.  
"Yesterday was one of the best days of my life" Nicky told Shane.  
"Mine too" Shane replied.

Ring! Ring!  
The couple separated and Nicky picked up the phone. Shane tried to listen to Nicky's side of the conversation but found he couldn't concentrate. The thought of sitting on the witness stand, and telling a room full of people what had been done to him, was even more terrifying than it had been before. Shane nervously chewed on his bottom lip. In his mind, he attempted to plan out something to say. He needed to get the jury to side with him and the only way he could do that was to tell the complete truth. Unfortunately, he wasn't sure he was confident enough to do that.

Shane eventually left the room. He walked upstairs, passing Freddy as he walked, and he entered the bedroom. Without paying attention to his actions, he shed his jeans and t-shirt and began to dress in his suit. After several failed attempts, Shane gave up on adjusting his tie and tried to tie his shoelaces.

Five minutes later Shane was sitting on the bed, wrestling with his laces. He looked up to find Nicky smiling at him from the doorway. The blonde entered the room and sat down beside Shane. He reached out and took hold of Shane's tie. They sat together in silence as Nicky adjusted Shane's tie then proceeded to fix both of Shane's shoelaces.

"I haven't needed anyone to tie my shoes for me since I was four" Shane told Nicky. Nicky smiled.  
"Who was on the phone?" Shane asked.  
"Bryan... Molly's got a fever so Kerry's going to stay home with her"  
"Did you tell them it could be our last day in court?"  
Nicky nodded.  
"And?"  
"And she said good luck"

"I'm still scared, Nix" Shane confessed.  
"I can be brave enough for the both of us" Nicky told him.  
"Promise?"  
Nicky kissed Shane.

*-*-*-*-*-*

The couple held each other's hand as they walked up the steps to the courthouse. Several photographers were present but the size of the crowd had decreased since the opening day of the trial. They stopped and posed for a photo or two but moved on very quickly. Once inside they were met by Shane's lawyer.

"Hi Ryan" Shane greeted him.  
Nicky nodded his head at the Attorney and they all shook hands.  
"Please, follow me lads" Ryan told them.

The three of them headed upstairs to a small conference room. Once inside, Ryan closed the door while Shane and Nicky sat down at the table. Ryan approached and sat opposite them. He pulled out a piece of paper and placed it on the table in front of the couple.   
"They made an offer" Ryan began.  
"Should we accept?" Shane asked.  
"It's your choice, Shane. If you feel you can convince a jury to side with you then I would say to pass on the offer"

Ryan watched as Shane and Nicky both read the offer. The color appeared to vanish from Shane's face.  
"You can't accept that, Shay" Nicky insisted. Shane nodded.  
"I know" Shane replied.  
"I'll give the two of you a few minutes to talk this over" Ryan told them.  
Nicky nodded but Shane sat perfectly still. Ryan left the room and closed the door behind him. Shane immediately buried his face in his hands and collapsed on the table. Nicky reached out and placed his hand on Shane's shoulder.  
"Shay, if you don't want to go in there..." Nicky trailed off.  
"No, you're right. I can't accept that offer. So I'm going to go out there and I'm going to make sure they get what they deserve for what they did to me"  
***

Ten minutes passed before Ryan returned. Shane took a deep breath and slowly released it. He looked up at his lawyer and told him he'd thought it over but couldn't accept the offer. The older man nodded his head in understanding and stated he would inform the Judge of Shane's decision. With a reassuring smile, he turned and left the room.  
The door closed behind him and Shane turned to Nicky. The blonde was still looking at the piece of paper Ryan had placed on the table.

"What was he thinking?" Nicky asked. "He didn't really think you would agree to that... Did he?"  
Shane wasn't really listening to his blonde lover. He was too busy trying to build up the courage to say these words to him. He scolded himself and tried to remain calm and in control.

"When I get on that stand..." Shane began as he reached out and took Nicky's hand. "You know what you have to do. Right?"  
"What?" Nicky asked confusion in his voice. Shane watched as the realization of Shane's words covered his face and Nicky shook his head. "No"  
"Nicky, you promised"  
"That... That was under completely different circumstances Shay. You... You didn't want me to find out with everyone else but I know now"  
"I... I still can't have you there, Nicky"  
"Please Shay? I need to be there with you"  
"I'm sorry but... If you're there… And I can see you... I won't be able to go through with it. Please, please do this for me"  
"But I... I don't want to leave you in there"  
"Please? You... You have to"

Tears filled Nicky's eyes but he quickly blinked them back.  
He refused to cry today. He knew he needed to be strong for Shane. He sighed and looked into Shane's eyes.

"Only if they actually put you on the stand, right?" Nicky asked. Shane nodded. "I... I don't know if I can, Shay"  
"Please?"

The older boy could hear the desperation in his lover's voice and his heart went out to him.  
"Shay..." Nicky began.  
"Nicky, I know you don't want to leave me in there but I'm begging you, please babe. Please do this for me"  
Slowly but reluctantly, the older boy nodded his head. Shane reached up and placed his hand on Nicky's cheek.  
"Thank you" Shane whispered.

The older boy lowered his face into Shane's touch and gently kissed his palm.  
"But I swear" Nicky insisted, "The second it's over... I'll be back where I belong... Right by your side"  
"I love you" Shane whispered in Nicky's ear.  
The blonde nodded then he leaned forward and reassuringly kissed Shane's lips.


	40. Chapter Thirty Nine

They were amongst the first wave of people to enter the courtroom. Ryan was seated at the desk, waiting for them. They joined the attorney at the front of the room.  
"Shane" Ryan began. "I really did try my best to keep you from having to do this. And you don't have to but... But if I don't put you on that stand then they" Ryan cocked his head in the direction Christian and his lawyer would enter the room from "might. And you can refuse if they ask but that won't look good"  
"Like we're trying to hide something?" Nicky asked.  
"Exactly" Shane nodded but didn't speak.  
"Now... We've been through all this before, Shane" Ryan continued. "Just pretend we're back in my office and that it's just you and me in the room. But remember to speak clearly and try not to hesitate in your answers. Just remain calm but work the Jury... They're the ones you need to convince"

Nicky looked over his shoulder and saw Kian and Bryan entering the room. He continued to scan the benches until he saw his parents sitting with Shane's. The blonde tried not to think about how Shane would feel knowing his parents were able to hear exactly what had been done to him.  
Their friends approached and Nicky stood up. He hugged each of them but noted Shane remained seated. Nicky wanted to enquire about Mark but didn't know how Shane would react. As though reading his mind, Kian answered Nicky's unasked question by stating that Mark hadn't wanted to leave the hospital.

The amount of chatter in the room became a fraction louder and Nicky turned to see Christian enter the room, accompanied by his lawyer. The smirk on Christian's face sent uneasy shivers down Nicky's spine and the blonde was glad to look away. Kian and Bryan left them and headed for their seats.  
Before Nicky sat down his eyes met Georgina's but he couldn't force himself to return her reassuring smile. He watched as her encouraging smile flickered and became a look of concern. She turned to her sister and Nicky saw the two of them engage in a brief exchange of words. He quickly turned around and sat down. He placed his hand over Shane's and could feel it trembling beneath his fingers. He tried to offer a comforting smile to his love but found he still couldn't force one upon his lips.

The Jury entered the room. A few minutes later they were all asked to stand as the Judge entered. Shane's hand instantly tensed under Nicky's and the older boy began to lightly stroke his fingers across the back of the brunette's palm. Several minutes passed before Nicky felt the tension begin to slip from Shane's body.  
Ryan stood up and informed the court of Bobby's death and Jade's current condition, explaining both witnesses were now unable to testify. It was all procedure but Nicky felt his own nerves stirring. When asked if they wished to postpone the proceedings, pending Jade's recovery, Ryan declined. He stated his client wished for the case to continue and, hopefully conclude before too long. The blonde singer noted Ryan didn't explain that Jade may never fully recover.

If he hadn't known better, he would have thought Shane had zoned out on him. But Nicky could see movement in Shane's orbs. The older boy could only imagine the inner turmoil his fiancé was dealing with right now.

It seemed like an eternity passed before Ryan leaned over and asked Shane if he was ready. Nicky could tell without even looking at him than Shane wasn't ready. The brunette appeared to instantly snap out of his stupor. He blinked several times then slowly nodded his head. The Judge asked for Ryan to call his witness. Nicky's heart pounded as he heard Ryan address the court then call Shane's name.  
Shane placed his hand on the blonde's cheek as he stood up but he wouldn't meet his lover's eye. Then he adjusted his tie, held his head high and made his way across the room to the stand.  
As all the eyes in the court followed Shane's every movement, Nicky quietly stood up and slowly sneaked his way down the side of the room. Just as he reached the door, he heard Shane take the oath and he wanted to stay. He considered slipping out of sight and remaining in the room but he had made a promise to Shane and he was determined to keep said promise. He reluctantly pushed the door open and quietly slipped out of the room.

Once the door had closed behind him, Shane found himself able to look at his attorney. Nicky had already heard the details of Shane's ordeal and he refused to subject him to them again. Shane trusted Ryan would do his best and he reminded himself that it would all be over soon and Nicky would be back by his side before too long.  
Ryan's gentle voice broke through Shane's own musings and he forced himself to listen to the older man. He heard Ryan ask him to describe, in his own words, exactly what he remembered from the day he was taken. He took a deep breath, pausing to wonder just how many deep breaths he'd taken since all this started, and then he began to recount his ordeal.  
"It was early afternoon. I was out... Shopping with one of my fri... Band mates, Mark. And we'd been out for some time when I got this feeling... Like we were being followed..."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Nicky walked several meters down the hall to remove the temptation of slipping back into the courtroom. He stopped and kicked the wall in frustrated annoyance. After a moment, he collapsed on a nearby bench and buried his face in his hands. He shook his head from side to side as tears of frustration filled his eyes.  
'This is crazy' he told himself. 'I should be in there... I need to be in there'

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and he flinched. He slowly looked up and was shocked to see Georgina standing in front of him. He slowly got to his feet and welcomed the embrace she gave him.  
"I was surprised to see you leaving the room" she said to him. "I was half expecting you to climb onto the stand with him"  
Nicky jerked away from her but refrained from taking his anger out on her.  
"Don't you think I would have...?" Nicky snapped. "If he'd just let me"  
He threw himself back down on the bench while Georgina stared at him. Her expressive eyes watched him closely with love and concern for him. She reached up and brushed her hair from her face as she sat down beside him.

Her slender comforting fingers covered his and he wanted, so badly, to cry. His head and heart were both tormenting him. As his mind played out various scenarios of his love on the witness stand, his heart was breaking with the knowledge that Shane had pushed him away... Had practically ordered him away. Shane was behind those doors, doing the hardest thing he would ever have to do... And he had refused to let Nicky be a part of it.  
He wanted to be mad at Shane but he couldn't. He tried to imagine the situation reversed but if didn't help him. Nicky knew that if he was the one on the stand right now, he'd need Shane in there with him... Not out here.

The blonde singer hadn't realized Georgina was still talking to him. He appreciated the gesture but he wasn't capable of thanking her right now. He knew she was attempting to distract him so he wouldn't drive himself crazy worrying about Shane.  
"I'm scared, G" Nicky said. "I... I hate not being there with him. He needs me, I know he does"  
"I know you're worried, Nicky" she assured him. "But think about how much better things will be once all this is over"  
"It still won't change the fact that Shane didn't want me in there"  
"Nicky... Things will get better"  
"No. They won't... It'll never be over, G. The memories... They'll never fade" He pulled back the sleeve of his shirt and showed her the faded marks on his wrists. "The physical scars eventually fade..."   
Georgina looked at Nicky but didn't know what to say to him. She did the only thing she could think of and put her arm around his shoulder. He couldn't manage a smile but he leaned in to embrace her.

*-*

Nicky refused to look at the clock so he had no idea how long they'd been outside the courtroom for. Twice he had tried to talk Gina into going back into the room then report back to him with an update but she had refused to leave him.  
The minutes continued to slowly pass them by. Gina tried to convince him into going to get a coffee but he wouldn't leave the hall. He knew he needed to be ready to move the second Shane needed him.  
Just when he was beginning to wonder how he would know when that was going to be, the door opened.   
Nicky, who'd been anxiously pacing, turned and hurried down the hall. Georgina's sister, Cecelia was the first to appear. Her cheeks were wet from tears and Gina quickly hugged her. But the younger woman wouldn't take her eyes off Nicky.

"Cec, what happened?" Nicky asked her.

Before she could say anything, the door opened again and more people began to file from the room. Nicky wanted to shove past them but his instincts were telling him to stay with Cecelia. He pulled her into a brief hug, ignoring the looks he was getting from the people as they left the court. Then he reached out and brushed the tears from her cheeks.  
"Cecelia, is Shane okay?" Nicky asked. She still didn't speak but she managed to slowly shake her head.

Nicky's heart leapt into his throat and, for a moment, he feared he would choke on it. Without another look at his friends, he forced his way into the courtroom. Most of the crowd had disbanded but he spotted Bryan and hurried over to him.  
"What happened?" he demanded to know. "What the fuck happened?"  
His band mate's face was very pale and he struggled to meet Nicky's eye. Nicky didn't take much notice of this as his own eyes were scanning the room for Shane but he knew that was a pointless feat. Shane was no longer in the room.  
His gaze fell on their parents and, for a moment, he longed to run over to them and have his mother tell him this was all a dream. Yvonne was holding Mae's hand while Shane's father held his wife supportively. Nicky's eyes met with his father's and tears stung his eyes.

"Bryan" Nicky choked out, still staring at their parents. "Where is he?"  
"I..." Bryan's seemed to be at a loss for words. "I don't know"  
"What? What do you mean you don't know?"  
"He... He left. I mean, Ryan took him somewhere. Kian went with them"  
"But... Why...?" 

Bryan reached out and placed his hand on Nicky's arm. The older boy finally looked at Bryan, almost glad to no longer be looking at the devastation Shane's words had caused.  
"I'd never seen him like that before" Bryan told him. "He was so... I mean, he was okay then he just... And then that" Bryan raised his voice and cast his gaze in the direction of Christian's lawyer "dickhead lawyer! Kept trying to throw him off and put words in his mouth... Then he practically berated him and..."  
Nicky slowly shook his head. Shock and disbelief crossed his face. He didn't want to imagine that happening to his lover.  
"Where is he now?"

"Nicky?"  
The blonde had never been so relieved to hear his own name.  
"Ryan!"

The two of them approached Ryan. Before Nicky could speak, the lawyer told them to follow him. He led them to a door near the front of the room, one Nicky hadn't even noticed before, and opened it. They walked down a small hallway and stopped outside a plain door. 

"I got him out of there as soon as I could" Ryan told Nicky. "I had really hoped it wouldn't come to that but it looks like Mr. Howard has talked his lawyer into playing dirty"  
"Why was court adjourned so quickly?" Nicky asked.  
"The jury has gone to deliberation"  
"Already?"  
"Shane was very convincing... But so was the lawyer"  
"Can I see him now?"  
Ryan nodded.

The older man knocked on the door but didn't open it. A moment later the door opened and Kian appeared. When the younger boy saw Nicky a look a relief washed over his face. He stepped out of the room, petted Nicky's arm and whispered 'good luck'. Nicky wanted to question Kian, demand to know what had happened and what state Shane was now in but he knew that would mean wasting time. The longer he remained out here, the longer Shane would suffer alone.  
He pushed the door open and, without looking back, walked inside.


	41. Chapter Forty

Kian watched as the door closed behind Nicky. He turned to look at Bryan and they shared a grim expression. Bryan reached out and put his hand on Kian's arm. The two singers stepped away from the closed door and Kian leaned back against the wall. Bryan watched him but didn't say anything.

"That was..." Kian began but trailed off.  
"It was a bad idea" Bryan lowered his voice so Ryan couldn't hear them. "We should have known he wasn't ready yet"  
"All things considered, I think he did okay"  
"I'd never seen him like that before, Ki... I think I was scared for him at one point"  
"So was I"  
"Nicky should have been there with him..."  
"Yeah, Shane knows that now... But why did he have to find that out the hard way?"  
"So... What was he like...? Just now when you were in there with him?"

Kian stood up straight and Bryan didn't draw attention to the tears that were still in his eyes.  
"He wouldn't look at me" Kian admitted. "He barely said a word... He just cried"  
"Will he be okay? I mean, now that Nicky's in there"  
"You saw him out there Bry... Not even Nicky can fix that"  
They both fell silent. After a minute or two, Bryan excused himself and took out his phone to call Kerry. Kian didn't know if he should remain by the door or go looking for Shane's parents. He reasoned that it would take some time for Nicky to coax Shane from the safety of the interview room and he left to find Shane and Nicky's parents.

*-*-*-*-*

It took a long time for Nicky to break through the mental barriers Shane had built up since getting on the stand. He refused to give up though and through comforting words and gentle reassuring touches, Nicky was able to convince Shane to leave the small conference room. Once out of the safety of the interview room, Shane found himself clinging to Nicky as though his life depended on it. He wouldn't even allow Nicky to leave him long enough to get their car.  
Kian took over, taking the keys from Nicky and hurrying off to find Shane's car. They gave him ten minutes before heading to the back door. Nicky wasn't taking any chances; the last thing he wanted was an ambush of reporters throwing questions at Shane. Bryan kept an eye out for Kian; the moment the car pulled up, he and Nicky were ready to escort Shane from the courthouse directly to the car.

Bryan nodded to Nicky, letting him know Kian was ready for them. Nicky turned his attention to Shane. He whispered reassuringly in his ear before placing a single kiss on Shane's cheek. The brunette moved closer to his fiancé and allowed the older boy to slide his arm around his waist. Bryan took the lead; He opened the door and stepped outside. Nicky and Shane followed close behind him as reporters and cameras came at them from all directions. 

The younger boy remained completely focused on the task at hand. Questions were being thrown at him but he ignored them. His goal was to get Shane away from there. Despite none of the singers actually stopping, the reporters followed them to their car. Bryan got there first and opened the back door. Shane climbed into the back seat, followed closely by Nicky. The older boy paused to whisper his thanks to Bryan before the blonde closed the door.  
Bryan watched the car disappear round the corner then he turned to face the reporters.

"Is Shane having a breakdown?"  
"What do you think his chances are of winning this case?"  
Each question was drowned out by more and Bryan held up his hand to silence the crowd.  
"No comment" Bryan said before breaking away from the reporters and walking back into the court house.

*-*

The drive back to their house had never felt longer. Shane had sat next to the window and Nicky by the opposite window; He'd been trying to give Shane as much space as possible without breaking their physical contact (Shane's hand had been firmly locked in Nicky's). Before they had even reached the first corner, Shane had unbuckled his seatbelt and slid into the middle seat. As he refastened his seatbelt, Nicky placed his arm across Shane's shoulders. The brunette leaned into his lover's touch and nestled himself in the crook of Nicky's arm. The younger boy still hadn't spoken a word to Nicky.

As they drove through the streets Nicky tried to remember some of the reassuring things he'd whispered to Shane while he'd been trying to coax him from the conference room. He placed a kiss on Shane's forehead and continued to hold him. It wasn't long before Shane had cried himself to sleep.

"Kian?" Nicky whispered.  
The younger boy looked up and met Nicky's eye in the rear-view mirror.  
"How bad was it?" Nicky asked him.  
Kian sighed. He didn't want to have to tell Nicky's his true opinion but he didn't have the heart to lie to him either.  
"I didn't think he was going to make it" Kian confessed.  
He heard Nicky give a small sob and he tried to remain focused by concentrating on the road in front of him.

They drove on for almost ten minutes before Shane started to get restless. His entire body started to twitch and Nicky instantly tensed, unsure of what to say or do. Shane opened his eyes and tried to pull away from the blonde.  
"No" Shane hissed. "Don't make me, I can't!"  
"Shay" Nicky whispered. "It's okay"  
The brunette continued to thrash about for a moment longer. Nicky tightened his embrace and started to whisper in Shane's ear.  
"Shane" he urged. "It's me, I'm here. It's all over now"  
"No, no, no... Please... Don't want to..."  
"Shay, babe..."  
"NO!"  
Shane snapped to attention and pulled away from Nicky. He stared at the blonde for a moment, looking at him as though he'd never seen him before. The moment passed as quickly as it had begun and he looked at Nicky with pain in his eyes. The older boy had never seen his lover in such a state of vulnerability.

"Shane, babe" Nicky assured him. "It's okay... You're okay. I swear, everything is going to be okay now... You did what you had to do... You were very, very brave and I... I'm so proud of you"  
"You... You are?" Shane asked.  
"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"  
"Because of what happened... I... I lost it, Nicky. I cried in front of all those people... I cried out to you in front of all those people..."  
"And you got through it... On your own... Because that's the kind of person you are. The kind of person I love... You, you’re strong and brave and you refused to let them win"

Nicky reached up and gently wiped the tears from Shane's eyes. Shane placed his hand over Nicky's and softly kissed the underside of his palm.  
"I'm sorry" Shane sobbed.  
"No, don't be" Nicky insisted.  
"But I am! I... I never should have-"  
"Shhhh"

The blonde leaned in and softly kissed Shane's lips. The younger boy stopped talking and took a moment to lose himself in the familiarity of his lover. Nicky's arms felt both gentle yet secure around Shane and the brunette finally felt his body beginning to relax. The tension that had overcome his body in courtroom was finally leaving him. He wasn't sure if it was because he was finally leaving the court house or if it was simply because of the way Nicky was holding him. Either way, Shane took a deep breathe and settled down in Nicky's arms. The older boy looked up and saw Kian watching them in the mirror again. Nicky held back a sigh as he looked down at the brunette in his arms. He really couldn't wait to get home.

*-*

Bryan stepped inside the door and spotted Ryan with Shane's parents. He approached them just as Ryan made his exit. Mae seemed to have recovered slightly from the last time Bryan had seen her. He greeted the couple and put his arm around her. She smiled and hugged him. 

"Kian just left with Nicky and Shane" Bryan told them.  
Peter nodded.  
"So... Uh... Are you going to go around to their house?"  
"I don't know if we should" Yvonne spoke up. "I mean, I don't think they'll really be up for company tonight"  
"Company? You... You're family!"  
"Yvonne is right" Mae said to Bryan. "Shane's my son and as much as I want to be there for him right now... I trust Nicky to look after him"

Peter stepped closer to his wife and put his arm around her. He knew how much it pained her to have to say those words... To admit out loud that she felt her son was better off with someone else.

"Will you be going to see them?" Mae asked.  
"I don't think so" Bryan confessed. "I mean... I hadn't really thought about it... My mind keeps replaying the image of Shane crying and..." he took a deep breath to hold back fresh tears "this is going to make me sound terrible but... I don't think I could stand to see Shane like that again. He's always been the strong one, you know? And to see him lose it like that..."   
Mae reached out and took a hold of Bryan's hand.  
"You're not terrible, Bryan" Mae said. "You have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. You care about Shane, there's no doubt about that"  
"But I wasn't planning on going to see him... And surely now is the time when he needs us the most... to be surrounded by his friends..."   
"You saw him on that stand, Bryan. He could be like that all night..." Peter stated.

"I... I'll call Kian tonight and see how's he's doing" Bryan stated. "Plus I have his car and his keys"  
"I don't know what to do" Mae admitted to her husband. "I want to see him. I want him to know that I'm here for him-"  
"He knows" Peter reassured her. "And you said yourself, you trust Nicky to look after him"  
She nodded.  
"Why don't we all have lunch?" Nicky's father spoke for the first time. "I think we need to give them some time alone/together. To talk through this morning and help Shane process what happened. Then, if you still want to see him, this afternoon we can call them and ask if they want visitors... If they do then we can stop by"  
"That sounds like a plan" Peter agreed. Both Mae and Yvonne agreed, but were slightly hesitant.

"Would you like to join us, Bryan?" Peter asked.  
"Thank you... But I should be getting home to Kerry" Bryan replied.

An awkward silence overtook the group.  
"So" Bryan spoke. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow... Where we'll find out, one way or the other"  
"Yes" Peter said. "Tomorrow"  
Bryan hugged Mae and Yvonne then shook hands with Nicky Snr and Peter.  
"Uh, if you speak to Shane before I do... Could you tell him..." Bryan sighed; he knew this was going to sound lame. "Tell him I'm thinking of him"   
"Of course we will" Mae promised Bryan.


	42. Chapter Forty One

Kian pulled into the driveway and stopped the car. Nicky removed both his seatbelt and Shane's before opening the door. Shane gripped the blonde's hand and they both exited the vehicle. Nicky closed the door and Kian drove into the garage.  
Nicky cast a nervous look at his distressed lover and gently squeezed his hand. Shane was able to return a small hint of a smile but it quickly faded. The two of them slowly began to walk towards the house but, after a mere few steps, Shane stopped. He tightened his grip on Nicky's hand and pulled the blonde to him. He wrapped both arms around Nicky's waist and buried his face in Nicky's chest.  
The older boy was taken aback by Shane's sudden actions and, for a moment, he wasn't sure what to do. He felt Shane's tears seeping through his shirt and he gently returned the embrace.

"Shane, it's all right" Nicky whispered. "You're home now..."  
The younger boy raised his head slightly and stared into Nicky's caring eyes.  
"I... I don't want to... Have to do that again" Shane told him.  
"I know" Nicky placed a kiss on Shane's forehead. "And you won't have to. It's over now. They... They have no reason to put you through that again"  
"Are... Are you sure?"  
"Yes, it's almost over, babe. The jury will give their verdict tomorrow and then that'll be it... No more"

Shane continued to look at Nicky but he wasn't really listening to the blonde. He found himself focusing more on Nicky's lips instead. He could tell by his love's tone that he was telling him everything was going to be okay. After watching Nicky's lips form such words of reassurance, Shane couldn't resist leaning forward and kissing them.  
For the second time, in less than five minutes, Nicky was thrown off-guard by Shane's movements. Before he could react or respond to the gesture, Shane had pulled away and once again taken hold of his hand. They resumed walking towards the front door, Nicky holding Shane's hand supportively. He wasn't sure what to expect next and that thought made him feel rather uneasy. He wanted to know what had happened to Shane [in the courtroom] but he wasn't ready to try and ask him yet. Both Bryan and Kian had indicated that Shane had been in a bad way and Nicky had witnessed that himself when he'd first approached Shane in the conference room. The last thing Nicky wanted to do now was cause the younger boy to have a relapse. He'd already decided he would ask Kian and/or Bryan to tell him everything that had happened in his absence. But he also wanted to hear all the details from Shane himself. And, at the moment, Shane was giving him some very confusing mixed signals.  
He knew it was going to be difficult to know what to do for Shane when it was clear that Shane himself didn't even know what he was feeling.

*-*

Shane was mentally and emotionally exhausted. He was scared but every few minutes he experienced a brief flash of relief. In those moments he was able to smile or reach out to Nicky. Then, once the moment had passed, he would start to feel anxious and uncertain. He would then begin an internal struggle... Trying to decide of he wanted to pull Nicky to him or push him away. Most times he reached out to the blonde but he knew that he would inevitably push him away. Shane knew his lover was worried about him and would do anything to help him but, for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to voice his feelings (and concerns) to the blonde.

Once inside the house, Nicky felt it was safe to release Shane's hand. He did it slowly, smiling at the younger boy the entire time. When Freddy came bounding down the stairs, Shane didn't even acknowledge his presence.

"Shane?" Nicky began.  
The brunette looked at him with a blank, vacant expression on his face and he simply blinked. For a brief moment, Nicky feared he was losing him.  
"Uh, why don't you go on upstairs and have a shower...? I'll put the kettle on"  
"Okay" Shane replied.  
Nicky bent down and scooped Freddy up into his arms. By the time he'd stood back up, Shane had left the room.

*-*

There was so much Shane wanted to say to Nicky but he didn't know where to start. He knew how much Nicky loved him and how concerned his love was but he didn't want to be any more of a burden on the blonde. This was his fight, his demons and he didn't want to subject Nicky to any of it.

As soon as Nicky turned his attention to Freddy, Shane had ducked out of the room and sneaked down the hall into the Study. The Liquor cabinet was still brimming with alcohol, despite the door being broken. He reached inside and picked up the bottle with the most liquid remaining in it. He removed the lid and took a mouthful direct from the bottle. Quietly shifting the remaining bottles around, he found a second bottle and removed it from the broken cabinet. He knew it wasn't the right thing to do but he was sick of feeling this way. He wanted to forget today had ever happened and if he needed to drink a litre of alcohol to do it, then he would.

*-*

Nicky walked into the Kitchen and placed Freddy down on the floor. He checked there was water in the kettle and set it to boil. For the next few minutes he moved about preparing a tea and a coffee (unsure of which Shane would want). He kept telling himself that the hard part was over but deep down he feared it was a lie.  
He had no idea what Shane had just gone through or how it would affect him. He longed to run up the stairs, take Shane into his arms and cry their problems away together.

The blonde was staring at the kettle so intently that he didn't hear Kian enter the room. The younger boy walked up to his band mate and gently, reassuringly touched his arm. Nicky jumped in shock and let out a small cry before turning around. He looked at Kian and averted his eyes in embarrassment.

"Whoa! Nicky..." Kian tried to comfort him. "I... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you heard me come in..."  
Nicky's heart was pounding in his ears as he struggled to breathe.  
"I'm sorry" Kian continued. "I... I don't think"  
"No, it's fine" Nicky stammered. "I just... I uh... I had a... A panic attack in here the other day and I... I guess I'm not completely over it yet"  
"A... A panic attack?"  
"Shane said it could be a memory flash... They've uh been happening more frequently..."  
"I..." Kian trailed off. It was obvious Nicky didn't really want to talk about it. "I'm still sorry"  
"So am I" Nicky said as he covered his face with his hands.

"Uh... So...." Kian tried to divert the conversation "Where's Shane?"  
"I sent him upstairs" Nicky replied. "You want a coffee?"  
"No thanks... After the morning we had, I need a beer"

Kian walked over to the refrigerator and opened it. He located a beer and picked it up. His hand was shaking but he hoped Nicky hadn't noticed.  
"I didn't know..." Kian began before taking a mouthful from the bottle.  
Nicky shot him a quizzical look but didn't speak.  
"He didn't tell us everything" Kian continued. "I know he didn't tell the whole story but after hearing some of what he went through..." he sighed "I don't think I could handle hearing the whole thing"  
"Ki"  
"The thought of him going through all that... The... The things they did to him! If it had been me... I don't... I wouldn't..."

Nicky walked over to his band mate and pulled him into a hug. The younger boy was trembling and tears were spilling down his cheeks.  
"Shane's the bravest person I know" Nicky told Kian.  
The younger boy nodded in agreement.  
"I was so scared for him... I could imagine it in my head... It was awful"  
"And he survived it"  
Again Kian nodded. He pulled away from Nicky and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.  
"Please don't tell him I reacted like this" Kian urged Nicky.  
"I won't"  
"How did you do it, Nicky? How did you cope when he told you...? The things they made him do...?"  
"I... I kept a brave face for him and then I cried for him. And I know that nothing I do now can change what happened, but I'm here for him... When he needs me and when he doesn't know he needs me. Now I have to be brave for him and let him know how much I love him"  
"But I... What can I do for him? I need to do something!"  
"Just be his friend. Remind him that he's not alone... I mean, I'm trying so hard but I... I can only do so much"

Kian reached out and took Nicky's hand in his. He looked to his band mate, staring into his eyes.  
"Then remember" Kian insisted. "I'm here for you too"  
Nicky smiled at his friend before embracing him in a comforting hug.  
"I know you are"


	43. Chapter Forty Two

Kian recovered from his moment of weakness and excused himself. He planned to go into his room and re-think everything he had heard that morning. There was no doubt in his mind that Shane needed his support. He'd never really taken the time to sit down and think of what Shane had had to endure, he'd never asked his friend about it either for he knew that Shane hadn't been forthcoming with any details.  
In the short time he'd been seeing Shane's psychiatrist, he'd noticed the way she had acted whenever the conversation came around to Shane... The sadness and the sympathy in her eyes. Patient-Doctor confidentiality had stopped her from talking to him about it and Kian now understood why. For a moment, he considered calling her. He knew she'd listen to him and understand where he was coming from but he decided not to.  
He walked into the Study and noticed the door to the Liquor cabinet was ajar. He approached it and looked inside. After Shane had broken the door, Kian had done a stock-take to see what was in there. The blonde reached out, taking a drink from his beer, and opened the cabinet door. Two bottles were currently missing.

"Nicky?" Kian called to his band mate.  
"Yeah?" The response came from the Kitchen.

Kian left the room and wandered back into the Kitchen. Nicky was staring at the kettle.  
"Nicky?" Kian began, staring nervously at his friend.  
"Huh? What?" Nicky blinked. "I was... Ummm... Waiting for the kettle... But I... I think I forgot to turn it on. I mean, I could have sworn I did it but..."  
"Have you been into the Study lately?" Kian tried to focus Nicky's attention.  
"Ummm, I don't think so" Nicky cast his mind back. "Why?"  
"The Liquor cabinet was open... There's two bottles missing..."  
"Well, they could have been gone for ages"  
"No, I counted them all once Shane had drunk himself stupid after... uh... when you left... went to stay with your parents"  
"So if you didn't touch them and I didn't..."

"Shane!"

*-*

Nicky was half way out the door before he stopped. Kian watched him, wondering if he should follow, when the blonde suddenly stopped walking.

"Nicky?" Kian asked.  
"What?"  
"Why did you stop? Did you want me to come with you?"  
"No... I... uh... Maybe we should leave him be...?"  
"What?"  
"He... He's had a tough morning, maybe he needs a little time to unwind"  
"Nicky, you weren't here the last time... He practically drank himself into a stupor! And he regretted it later"  
"But Ki-"  
"If you don't go up there, I will"  
"So go, I won't stop you"

The two blondes stared at each other. Neither one prepared to back down. Kian forced himself not to slap some sense into the older boy. He knew they couldn't just let Shane drink himself stupid. Shane couldn't afford to be hung-over in court the following day.

"Nicky, please? One of us has to stop him" Kian argued. "Can you imagine what will happen if he's hung-over tomorrow?" 

Nicky bit his lip and tried to remain firm but he knew Kian was right. He just wasn't willing to accept that Shane was upstairs right now getting drunk. That simply wasn't his way. Shane wasn't the type of person to turn to alcohol when things got tough. Nicky had seen his love survive so much without the assistance of alcohol which is why he couldn't understand him choosing to do it now.

"Just go and talk to him, Nicky" Kian urged him. "I mean, we've been home, what? Twenty minutes? How much could he have drunk in that time?"

*-*

Nicky walked down the hall to their bedroom and stopped just outside the door. He took a deep breath and took a moment to assert himself. His hands shook as he reached out to open the door. Shane's soft voice echoed around the room as he sang to himself.  
"If my life were important I, would ask, Will I live or die?"

The younger boy was seated upon the window sill, his back against the frame. One leg was draped outside, the other bent in front of him on the sill. A bottle was lying empty on the floor beside the bed; another was still clasped in his hand. Nicky held back a gasp as Shane swayed on the spot.

"Shay!" Nicky called.

The brunette looked over at Nicky and took another mouthful of liquid. Their eyes met; neither one of them blinked. There was something in the way Shane looked at him that made him feel uneasy.

"Shay, babe" Nicky pleaded. "Please, come back inside"  
"Why?" Shane responded.  
"Because I asked you to?"

Shane gave a rather loud sigh and swung both his legs back inside the bedroom. He continued to look at the blonde, taking an occasional swig from his bottle. Nicky used this moment to take in Shane's appearance. He had removed his shoes, jacket & tie; these items were strewn lazily upon the floor. His shirt was unbuttoned and Nicky could see traces of liquid spilt upon the singlet he wore under the shirt. In that moment, as he looked at Shane, his heart ached for the younger boy.

"Happy now?" Shane asked.  
"Not really" Nicky admitted. "I'd be happier if you weren't on the window sill, weren't drinking... And were over here, with me"  
"And why would I want to be with you right now?"  
"What?" Nicky felt the air leave his lungs and his heart miss a beat or two.  
"I said 'Why would I want to be with you' right now?"  
"Be... Because I... I'm here for you. I love you"

"You... You're here for me?"   
The laugh that escaped Shane's lips tore straight at Nicky's heart.  
"Sh... Shay?"  
"Ahhh, Nicky. My beautiful Nicky, who looks at me with such concern and yet speaks such lies"  
"Lies? Shane, what?"  
"That you're here for me! You say you're here but YOU WEREN'T! You weren't there when I needed you today! I cried for you" Shane waved the bottle at Nicky. "I... I begged for you, that I needed you to make it stop. To take all the pain away but you didn't!"  
"Shane, I wanted to be there! You wouldn't let me"  
"You should have tried harder! You should have known that I would need you! But no, you left me alone"  
"Shane!" Nicky didn't know what to say. "I'm here now!"  
"What good is that?" Shane almost screamed, tears rolling down his cheeks as he jumped down from the window sill.

"Shane, please?" Nicky begged. "What's gotten in to you? I... I don't understand"  
"Of course you don't understand" Shane sobbed. "You don't know what this is like for me"  
"But I want to!"  
"DO YOU?" Shane cried, tears continuing to flow. “Do you really want to know that-“  
“That every time I look at you, I remember being with you? I remember holding you in my arms and making love to you. The way you looked at me with such love in your eyes... I remember the look on your face when I came inside you. That night... That moment, was the happiest of my life... AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER IT!"  
Shane covered his face with his hand and slowly shook his head.  
"You were the only thing in my life that ever made sense... But you weren't there when I needed you and you can't fucking remember the only good thing that have happened to us"

Tears were already rolling down Nicky's cheeks as Shane continued to snap at him. He wanted to argue, to defend himself but he didn't know what to say. He wanted to remember being with Shane but he couldn't; that wasn't his fault.  
And he had tried to be with Shane in the courtroom but the younger boy had sent him away. He reasoned that he could have tried harder but he had been respectful of his fiancé’s decision.

"I want to remember" Nicky whispered.  
"I don't believe you" Shane replied.  
"Shane"  
"Get out, Nicky"  
"What?"  
"Leave me alone"  
"Shane"  
'I... I mean it, Nicky. It hurts me too much to look at you right now"

Shane turned away from the blonde and threw himself down on the bed. Nicky stared at him for a moment, tears still spilling from his eyes. He placed his hand over his mouth to stop himself from speaking then he turned and ran from the room.  
The door slammed shut behind Nicky and Shane buried his face in one of the pillows. Tears stung his eyes as the blonde's scent filled his senses. His head pounded as he remembered the words he'd shouted at his lover. He sat up, separating himself from Nicky's scent, and he threw the bottle at the bathroom door. It smashed to pieces. He pulled the blanket up over his body and clutched it between his fingers. He didn't attempt to stop his tears.

*-*

Nicky ran down the stairs, two at a time, and ran into the Living room. The tears were still falling from his eyes and he didn't try to stop them. Shane's harsh words echoed in his head and he wanted, so badly, to shut them out. To erase them and pretend he'd never heard them. He threw himself down on the couch and buried his face in one of the pillows.

Kian had been in the Study when he heard Nicky's footsteps on the stairs. He reached the door in time to see Nicky run into the Living room. Temporarily forgetting his fear of the Living room, Kian approached the door and peered inside. Nicky was lying on the couch, crying into one of the pillows.  
The younger boy took a deep breath and stepped into the room. He slowly approached his upset friend and carefully sat down on the couch beside him. Kian reached out and placed his hand on Nicky's shoulder, gently trying to reassure him.

"Nicky?" Kian asked. "What's wrong? What happened?"

The blonde extracted himself from the comforting pillow and looked up at Kian. Nicky's eyes were filled with such despair and pain.

"You were right" Nicky sobbed. "Shane took the alcohol"  
"And that's why you're upset? He wouldn't give it back?"  
"No"   
"What then?"  
"Oh Ki... That wasn't Shane up there! It... It couldn't have been. The... The things he said to me" Nicky cried even harder. "Why? Why would he say them? Why does he want to hurt me?"  
"Because he's hurting too, Nicky. He's in pain and he's suffering. He doesn't know how to control it or why it's affecting him the way it is. You need to keep telling yourself that it wasn't him, that he loves you"  
"What if it was him, Ki? What if I'm finally seeing the real Shane-?"  
"Nicky, please don't do this"  
"You didn't hear him, Kian!"  
"No, I didn't"  
"I left him for less before..."

"What are you saying? That you're going to run away [from him] again?"  
"I... Maybe..."  
"Nicky?"  
"NO! No, I... Love him! But he's doing a really good job of making me hate him right now"  
"He didn't mean any of it, you know he didn't"

"You know this is your fault, right?" Nicky insisted.  
"My fault?" Kian asked.  
"Yes, you're the one who told me to go up there! I said he was better off left alone"  
"Nicky!"

"No!"  
The blonde pushed Kian away and glared at him. The tears were finally starting to subside.  
"I need to be alone right now"

Nicky stood up and left the room.  
With a sinking heart, Kian watched him leave. He didn't want to believe the words Nicky had just said to him. The ones about Shane or the ones of Nicky throwing the blame on him. He knew it had been a hard day for his friends and he'd be lying if he said he hadn't seen this coming. A fight was all but inevitable, but he hadn't expected it to be this bad.

"Please" Kian whispered to the empty room. "Please let them get through this, together! They've survived this much and come this far... It can't end for them here. It just can't! I swear, I won't let it"

Kian remained on the couch for a moment longer. He knew he needed to do something for his friends, needed to find a way to make things right again. There was only one option for him. He reached over and picked up the phone. His fingers dialed without him even thinking about it and the call was answered on the second ring.  
“Doctor Robins”  
“Kathy, its Kian”   
“Kian, what’s wrong? Is it Shane?”  
“Shane and Nicky… They both need your help”  
“Ki, I’m a psychiatrist, not a marriage counselor”  
“I know but I’m desperate… If we don’t do something fast, I think it might be over for them”  
There was a pause on her side of the conversation.  
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes”  
“Thank you!”


	44. Chapter Forty Three

Bryan had turned a wrong corner and somehow managed to get lost in the court house. He walked aimlessly, trying to find the door which he'd come through. Not a single person passed him in the hall. Finally a figure appeared from the opposite direction. It was Shane's lawyer, Ryan. Bryan was about to greet him when a second person appeared. It was Christian's lawyer! Bryan ducked back around the corner and hoped they hadn't seen him. He remained where he stood, not daring to make a sound.

"I told you, I'm doing my best" Ryan's voice filled the hall.  
"Christian doesn't want to go to prison"  
"Don't you think I know that?"  
"Whoa, calm down, Ry"  
"I can't. The verdict will come tomorrow!"  
"It'll be okay, yeah?"  
"I'm leaning towards a locked jury myself"  
"Do you really think we'll get a miss-trial?"  
"Chances are good... Shane's erratic behavior today could send it either way though"  
"And if he's found guilty?"  
"Shhh... Did you hear something?"  
"No, why?"  
"Come on... We can't screw this up now! Not when we're so close!"  
"Okay, yes... You're right. We'll talk later"  
One set of footsteps vanished into the distance but Bryan remained where he was. The second set of footsteps approached his position. Bryan took a breath and started to walk. He rounded the corner and came face to face with Ryan.

"Oh Bryan" Ryan greeted him. "What are you doing up here?"  
"Hi" Bryan replied. "I'm lost. I can't find the exit"  
"I'm heading out now, I'll walk with you"  
"Great. So what are you doing up here?"  
"Just a meeting with a client"  
"So you think everything's going to work out tomorrow?"  
"I really hope so. Shane's worked really hard to come this far. It would be a shame for it all to fall to pieces now"  
As Bryan and Ryan walked down the hall, the younger boy couldn't help but feel that something was off with Shane's lawyer.

*-*-*-*-*

True to her word, twenty minutes later, Doctor Katherine Robins was knocking on the front door. The door opened and Kian smiled gratefully at her. He welcomed her into the house and led her into the Kitchen.

"Thank you for coming over" Kian told her.  
"It's not a problem" She admitted. "I kept my afternoon free in case Shane needed to see me"  
"You were worried about him"  
"Of course. I was in the courtroom today"  
"You were?"  
"I was concerned but I stayed near the back. I was surprised when Nicky left the room"  
"Shane made him. He didn't want to leave him but Shane insisted"

Kian indicated for her to sit down and they both sat down at the table. He offered her a drink, she smiled as she declined.  
"Kian, I understand you're worried about your friends but" she paused. "You called me because they had an argument. All couples fight..."  
"You think I over-reacted by calling you? Maybe I did, but you're here"  
"You know I've become fond of Shane [and Nicky]. I couldn't not come if there was a chance they needed me"  
"Shane took two bottles from the liquor cabinet upstairs..." Kian told her. "Nicky went up to talk to him but... He wasn't up there very long and when he came back, he was upset. He said Shane kept saying things to upset him"  
"Like what?"  
"He didn't say... But I was worried"

Katherine looked at Kian with sympathetic eyes as she tried to think of a suitable way to pose her next question. She wasn't certain how to approach him with it; he wasn't one of her patients and she couldn't act like he was. She decided to slowly broach the subject.  
"What made you decide to call me?" she asked him.  
"I was worried about Nicky and Shane" Kian replied.  
"But why did you call me? Why not talk to them yourself? Or call one of their family members?"  
"You were the first person I thought of"  
"Why do you think that is?"  
"Kathy... Please don't"  
"Don't?"  
"I'm not one of your patients... Please don't treat me like one"  
"I'm sorry" She smiled. "I just... I don't quite understand you"  
"You're not supposed to"  
"Kian, we were becoming friends..."  
"Were! Past tense, Kathy"

"What is it about them?" She finally asked him. "Why have you decided to make it your mission in life to ensure that they stay together?"  
"I... What?"  
"Kian, I've spent the better half of this year getting to know your friends pretty well. And every time tensions get high and they fight, you appear and push them back together"  
"That's what friends do"  
"No" she shook her head. "It's more than that [for you]. I mean... Would it be so bad if they did break up? Have you considered the possibility that Shane and Nicky aren't meant to be together?"

 

"Do you really think that?"  
Kian and Katherine both looked up, scanning the room for the origin of the voice. Nicky was standing in the doorway, staring at the two of them, tears still stained his cheeks.  
"Of course we don't think that" Kian quickly tried to reassure him.  
"What are you doing here?" Nicky continued to stare at Katherine.  
"I thought I would stop by in case you or Shane needed to talk about today... Or just in general"  
Nicky's eyes flickered from her to Kian and back again. The blonde seemed to believe her explanation and his eyes appeared to soften.  
"I was in the courtroom today" she told him. "What made you leave the room?"  
"Shane did"  
She nodded.  
"And how did you feel about that?"  
"How do you think I felt?"  
"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

Nicky averted his eyes and stared at the floor. He thought for a moment. How did he feel about it? He'd been upset and hurt not to mention angry. How did he feel about it now? He opened his mouth to answer her but a fresh wave of tears filled his eyes. He shook his head, turned on his heel and disappeared out the back door.

Kian leapt to his feet, ready to go after him. Kathy placed her hand on his arm, stopping him.  
"Kathy, he's upset" Kian argued with her.  
"I know" she replied. "But let me go. This is why I came here, remember?"  
Kian nodded.  
"Maybe you should take some coffee up to Shane? I'd like a chance to talk to him after I talk to Nicky... If that's okay?"  
Kian nodded again and smiled gratefully at her. She returned his smile before standing up. She then went outside to look for Nicky.

*-*

Kian walked up the stairs, holding a very hot cup of coffee in his hand. He stopped outside Shane & Nicky's room and gently knocked. There was no answer but he opened the door anyway and went inside. Shane was standing by the open window, staring out into the yard. Kian approached him then placed the coffee on the table beside the bed. He stepped up beside Shane and followed his gaze.  
Nicky and Katherine were still in the yard, deep in conversation. Nicky was leaning against the fence, staring out at Shane's horses. Kian watched as Kathy placed her hand on Nicky's arm and the blonde turned to look at her.

"I didn't mean to hurt him" Shane admitted.  
"I know" Kian replied.  
"What exactly did you say to him?"  
"He didn't tell you?"  
"No"  
"It doesn't matter what I said... He... He knows I didn't mean it, right?"  
"You really upset him"  
"I know... He looks so sad"  
"He wanted to be there for you today... But you wouldn't let him"  
"I made a mistake. I thought that... If I could see him, it would make things too hard but I was wrong... Not seeing him made it so much worse"  
"You'll have to tell him, talk him through what happened. Not knowing what you went through... It's killing him!"  
"I can't talk to him yet..."  
"Why not?"  
"Some of what I said was true"  
"What? What did you say?"

Shane shook his head and turned around, placing his back to the window.  
"You think I'm being selfish, don't you?" Shane asked him.  
"What? No. I... Maybe you're being a little unfair but I kind of understand why. It's been a rough time for you"  
"And Nicky's been there for me the whole time... Sometimes I feel like he's all I have"  
"So, make sure you tell him that"  
Shane nodded but didn't turn back to the window.

"Shane?" Kian began.  
"Yeah?"   
"You uh... Seem pretty sober... Considering how much you drank..."  
"I didn't drink all that much. I think I wore half of it" he indicated his stained shirt. "And I... I think I snapped out of it when Nicky slammed the door..."  
"So when you lashed out [at Nicky], that was all you? Not the alcohol?"  
Shane shrugged. "I think it was more me than I'd like to admit"  
Kian slowly nodded.

"Why don't you drink your coffee? I think Kathy wants to talk to you before she leaves"  
Shane nodded. "You might want to shower and change too"  
"Right" Shane agreed.  
"I'll be downstairs when you're ready to leave your room"  
"Thanks Ki"

*-*-*

After his conversation with Katherine, Nicky felt better. He still wasn't feeling himself but that was to be expected. The more he'd thought about it, the more he realized he wasn't mad at Shane. In a way, he'd been expecting Shane's outburst to come sooner. Though his words had seemed harsh [at the time], Shane had been speaking the truth and Nicky had insisted that Shane be honest with him.  
Nicky stayed in the Kitchen with Kian while Katherine and Shane talked. He hadn't seen the brunette since he'd left their bedroom. He was now anticipating the chance the talk to him and rectify things between them.

Katherine appeared and bid farewell to the two singers. Kian invited her to stay for dinner but she politely declined the offer. He wouldn't quite meet her eye and Nicky made a note to ask him about it later. Nicky walked her outside and thanked her for stopping by.

By the time Nicky returned to the Kitchen, Shane had ventured down the stairs and was waiting in the hallway. The brunette was holding Freddy in his arms. Nicky paused and took a moment to study the sight before him. Shane looked slightly disheveled, his eyes were red and his face showed more obvious signs of his distress. The miniature dachshund was still in Shane's arms, though his eyes kept flickering back and forth between Nicky and Shane.   
As Nicky looked at the younger boy [and his appearance], he was suddenly overcome with such a deep feeling of love for him. He wanted to pull him close and kiss him but he refrained. He needed to find a way to tell Shane that he wasn't mad at him but that he was still hurting. Shane's words had cut him deep but he knew the wound would eventually heal.

"Nicky" Shane's voice was soft and gentle to Nicky's ears.  
"Hey Nicky"

Kian stepped into the hall and paused at the sight of his two friends. The cordless phone was in his hand; his other hand was covering the mouth piece. He looked at Nicky then at Shane before turning back to the blonde.  
"It's Gina" he told him. "Uh, should I tell her you're busy?"  
"No, uh... I'll talk to her now"

Nicky reached out and took the phone from Kian. The younger boy looked at Shane but the brunette was more concerned by the fact that Nicky wouldn't look at him. With the phone now in his hand, Nicky turned and walked away. Shane watched as Nicky disappeared into the Rec room and closed the door firmly behind him.

"It'll be okay, Shane" Kian assured his friend.  
Shane nodded but didn't say anything. He knew, deep down, that Kian was right. But for the time being, Shane couldn't help but feel slightly guilty. He needed to tell Nicky he was sorry. Even though the blonde already knew how he felt, Shane wanted to say the words to him himself.

"This time tomorrow, it'll all be over" Kian finished before disappearing back into the Kitchen.  
Shane tried to nod in agreement but he couldn't. As much as he wanted to believe it, he still felt something was going to go wrong.

*-*-*-*-*

Bryan managed to drive Kian's car to his house and walk inside before the feelings of anger overtook him. He slammed the front door and began to pace the hallway. Kerry appeared, with Molly, looking concerned.  
"Bryan? What's wrong?" she asked him.  
"I.. I'm not sure" he replied.  
He walked over to her and kissed her before taking Molly into his arms.  
"Did something happen? Is Shane okay?"

Kerry had wanted to accompany Bryan to the court house but she hadn't wanted to leave Molly with a babysitter. Her husband's behavior seemed strange and she was instantly worried. Bryan wasn't looking at her. Though he was busy fussing over Molly, he was muttering to himself.

"Shane's okay" Bryan replied. "At least I think he is... Or will be"  
"Then what is it? What's wrong?" Kerry tried again.  
"I think Shane hired a dodgy lawyer"  
"Ryan?"  
"Yeah"  
"What? Why do you think that?"  
"I... I overheard him talking to Christian's lawyer. He [Ryan] was saying something about hoping for a mis-trial. And how they can't screw it up now that they're so close"  
"You... You think Ryan's working with Christian and his lawyer?"  
"I know how crazy it sounds... But you didn't hear them, Kerry"  
"So why didn't you say something to him?"  
"I... I don't know"  
"Maybe you just heard wrong?"  
"Maybe..."  
"I mean, it seems unlikely that-"  
"Kerry, after what they did to Shane... I wouldn't put anything past them!"  
"So what are you going to do? You're not going to tell Shane... Are you?"  
"I don't know... I don't know what to do!"  
"Call Kian. I mean, this could just be nothing. But I think it's too late to do anything else. It's not like Shane can fire Ryan now"

Bryan fell quiet for a moment, thinking over his choices.  
"Do you mind if I go over to Kian's?" Bryan asked her. "I've got to return his car anyway. And I... I'd like to check on Shane... Make sure he's okay"  
"We'll be fine here" Kerry replied as she took Molly back from her husband.  
Bryan smiled gratefully then kissed her again.  
"I'll have a quick shower and change then I'll go"  
"Call me when you want to come home and I'll drive over and get you" Kerry offered. "And we can pick up dinner on the way back"  
"Do you think I'm over-reacting?" Bryan asked.  
"I don't know" she admitted. "But I don't think it can hurt to be prepared for the worst"

*-*-*-*-*

Talking to Georgina proved a nice distraction for Nicky. By the time their conversation had ended, he was almost smiling. She had been so good to him today and he knew he wouldn't have made it without her. He placed the phone down on the table and looked around the room.  
A plaque on the wall stated how many albums they had sold in one country, another marked the amount of singles and albums sold somewhere else. None of it seemed to matter to him right now. His mind was telling him if they hadn't been this popular/well known then this wouldn't have happened to Shane. Then he reasoned that had he not joined the band in the first place, then he never would have met Shane.

He walked over to the bookshelf and stopped. On the top shelf was a framed photograph. He reached up and plucked it from the shelf. The five singers were grinning at the camera, the photo having been taken the day they signed their contracts. The image depicted five young, over-excited lads who were hoping for something big in their futures... Having all taken the first step to having their dreams come true. Nicky looked at Shane's image, saw him with his arm around Mark, and he averted his eyes. Without another glance, he placed the photo back on the shelf.

Not wanting to reminisce any longer, Nicky picked up the phone and left the room. He returned to the Kitchen and hung the phone back in its cradle. Keeping alert for signs of Shane or Kian, he started to make his way back up the stairs. Into the spare bedroom he went, selected a change of clothes and locked himself in the bathroom. He discarded his suit, dreading this month’s dry cleaning bill, and climbed into the shower.

*-*

Shane heard the shower running and his face fell. He knew it was Nicky in the bathroom and instantly felt bad. The blonde hadn’t ventured into their bedroom for a change of clothes, no doubt fearing Shane was in there. The younger boy was, indeed, upstairs but had purposely vacated the bedroom. He was now sitting in one of the spare rooms. It had been re-fitting into a small studio. Shane hadn’t felt much like being in this room much and a fine layer of dust covered most of the furniture. He stood up, crossed the room and closed the door firmly. Now he could no longer hear the shower running.

He sat back down on the couch and flipped to a new page in his notebook. He’d never had a lot of patience when it came to song writing but he’d promised himself he’d finish this one. For this one, he was writing for Nicky. A single tear trickled from his eye but he ignored it, gripped his pen tightly and started to write.


	45. Chapter Forty Four

Bryan climbed out of the car and walked up the front walk. He stopped and changed direction, heading into the back yard. He rounded the side of the house and found Kian sitting on the back porch, a bottle of beer in his hand. When he saw Bryan, he nodded to him in greeting but didn’t stand up. The younger boy looked troubled and, for a moment, Bryan considered not worrying him with his suspicions.

“Hey Ki” Bryan began as he sat down beside the blonde. He dropped the keys on the table and leaned back in the chair. “Are you okay?”  
“Long day” Kian admitted. He raised his beer to his lips and took a sip. “There’s more in the fridge if ye want one”  
“No thanks. Where is everyone?”  
Kian shrugged. “Inside somewhere, I guess”  
“Kian, what’s wrong with you?”  
“Nothing… Just… Never mind”  
“Ki”  
“It was just something Kathy said to me”  
“Kathy? Did you two get back together?”  
“Nah. I uh… I called her. Shane and Nicky had a row and I asked her to come over and help them out. Then she… She accused me of interfering too much in their [Nicky & Shane’s] relationship… She said I seem to have made it ‘my mission in life’ to make sure they never break up. How stupid is that?”  
“Well…”  
“What? Don’t tell me you agree with her?”  
“I… You do tend to force them to call a truce pretty quickly”

“What are you doing here Bry?” Kian snapped, attempting to change the subject.  
“I wanted to talk to you” Bryan began. “And bring your car back… But uh… You’re probably not in the talking mode”  
Kian sighed loudly.  
“I’m fine, Bry. Try me… What did you want to talk about?”  
“Uh…. Ryan?”  
“Ryan?”  
“Yeah…”

Kian sat up straighter in his chair and looked at Bryan, devoting his full attention to the older boy. The blonde’s unease and awkwardness had an impact on Kian. He knew it was something serious or Bryan wouldn’t have mentioned it.  
“I was at the courthouse, after you lads left, and I… I heard Ryan talking” Bryan began.

*-*-*-*-*

Nicky left the bathroom, feeling refreshed and slightly better. He decided to look for Shane and was surprised to find their bedroom empty. The spare room was empty too. He walked down the stairs and continued his search. The brunette was no where to be found. Nicky peered into the backyard and saw Kian and Bryan conversing. He decided to leave them alone, though he considered asking if they knew where Shane was. The stable door was closed so he decided to try there.  
As soon as he appeared outside, Bryan and Kian stopped talking. The blonde was under the impression they were talking about him [or Shane]. He smiled as he passed them.

“He’s not in there” Kian called after him. Nicky stopped and turned around. “You’re looking for Shane, right?” Nicky nodded. “He’s not in the stable”  
“Then… Where is he?” Nicky asked. “I’ve looked everywhere inside”  
“Maybe he’s hiding from you?”  
“Fuck off”

Nicky’s tone was light, not trying to insult Kian. But at the same time, he was concerned. He had no idea where Shane was. He hurried back into the house and started another search. After being certain Shane wasn’t downstairs, Nicky moved upstairs. Freddy was curled up, asleep, outside the make-shift recording studio. Nicky’s heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t remember the last time Shane had voluntarily gone in there. For a moment, he considered leaving him in peace but his legs took on a life of their own and before he knew it, he was directly in front of the door. His hand trembling, he reached out and knocked.   
A moment or two passed. Freddy sat up and looked at him. The door opened and Shane’s troubled eyes met with Nicky’s concerned ones. Neither one of them spoke. Shane reached out and took Nicky’s hand in his. The blonde timidly smiled at his fiancé as the brunette gently led him into the room.

*-*-*-*-*

“I… I really don’t know what to say” Kian stated. “Are you absolutely sure of what you heard?”  
“I think so” Bryan admitted. “They were a few feet away… And around a corner”  
“But… Ryan? We trusted him. Shane trusted him!”  
“I hope I’m wrong, Ki. I really do”  
“What can we do? It’s too late to stop it… And I really don’t want to have to tell Shane. He’s been through so much already”  
“I don’t think there’s anything we *can* do”  
“He seemed like a nice lad, genuine and concerned… A mistrial?”  
“A mistrial”  
“Maybe it won’t come to that… They can still get convicted. I mean, it’s not just Christian that’s on trial, remember? And… And even if Christian does get off, the others will definitely be found guilty. Let’s think about this rationally…”  
“Rationally?”  
“Christian orchestrated the entire thing but it was the other bastards that hurt Shane”  
“But if Christian hadn’t set the whole up then those creeps wouldn’t have gotten anywhere near him”  
“I know…”

“Have uh… You talked to Mark today?” Bryan asked. Kian shook his head.  
“I was going to go and see him tonight” Kian replied. “So thanks for bringing me car back”  
“No worries”   
“You need a ride home?”  
“Kerry said she’d come get me… We’ll probably grab some take out on the way home”  
Kian nodded before taking another sip of his drink.

“So…” Bryan began. “Are we going to tell Shane?”  
“No” Kian replied.  
“No?”  
“No. I can’t do it. I’ve had to be the bearer of bad news one too many times lately. I think we should keep this between us and just hope for the best”  
“Are you sure that’s such a good idea?”  
“Nope… But it’s all I’ve got right now”

*-*-*-*-*

Nicky didn’t say a word as Shane ushered him into the studio. They both walked over to the couch and sat down. The blonde looked down at their entwined hands and he smiled to himself. Shane caught the flicker in the older boy’s eye and felt himself smile with relief.

“I’m sorry, Nicky” Shane spoke clearly and determinedly. “I didn’t mean what I said to you”  
“Yes you did” Nicky replied. He looked up and his eyes met with the brunette’s. Tears were glistening in Shane’s brown orbs. “But its okay, Shay”  
“No, it’s not okay”  
“It is, really! Shane… You were being honest with me is all”  
“Maybe I was but I… I didn’t have to be so, so cruel to you”   
“We agreed no more lies. And maybe you were a little” Shane eyed him suspiciously “okay, very, mean but I understand why you were”  
“No, don’t, Nicky”  
“Don’t?”  
“Don’t try to make this okay. I was rude to you and I shouldn’t have been. I’m sorry”

Nicky reached out and placed his hand on Shane’s cheek. The younger boy looked up and gazed into his lover’s eyes. The blonde smiled at him before leaning forward and kissing him. A moment later, they separated.

“You don’t have to apologize to me, Shay” Nicky insisted. “Not today, not ever”  
“I know, but I” Shane whispered. “I wanted to… I love you”  
“I know you do”  
“I was wrong… I was selfish and blamed you”  
“Shane-“  
“I didn’t want to admit it… But I needed you with me today. It was wrong of me to send you away”  
Nicky gently stroked his hand along Shane’s arm, reassuring him.  
“Yes, it was” he agreed. “And I… I’d really like you to tell me what happened… If you’re ready to talk about it?”  
“Bry and Ki didn’t tell you?”  
“I didn’t ask them… I wanted to hear it from you first”

Shane nodded his head in understanding. He took a deep breath and slowly released it. His hand was trembling as he placed it on top of Nicky’s. The blonde was gazing at him and trying to hide his desperation. Shane knew how badly Nicky wanted to know what had transpired during the court proceedings.  
“It started out okay” Shane began, “Ryan asked me to tell the jury exactly what happened the day I was taken…”

*-*-*-*-*

Later that afternoon, Kerry arrived with Molly to collect Bryan. When she enquired about Shane, both Bryan and Kian realized they hadn’t seen either of their band mates since Nicky had been outside looking for Shane. Kerry was eager to find them and make sure they were okay but she chose to leave them be. She could see the effects the day in court had had on her husband and Kian and wasn’t sure if she was prepared to see how it had effected Shane and Nicky.  
Kerry told Kian to pass a message on to the two singers, letting them know she was thinking about them and hoped they were okay then she left with Bryan and their daughter. With Molly in his arms, Kian walked with them to their car. He remained in the yard until their car had vanished from his sight then he slowly made his way back inside.

The house was silent, so Kian knew his friends weren’t downstairs. He decided to check on them and leave them be for as long as they needed it. When he reached the upstairs hall, he spotted Freddy asleep against one of the doors. Being careful not to disturb the puppy, Kian reached out and quietly turned the doorknob. He pushed the door open a little and peered inside.  
Nicky and Shane were lying together on the couch. Nicky was on his back, his head on the armrest and his arms around Shane. The younger boy was on his side, between Nicky and the back of the couch. Both of them had their eyes closed and were fast asleep. Freddy had awoken and was attempting to get past Kian to his owners. The blonde scooped the puppy into his arms and closed the door.

Kian made his way down the stairs and went into the Kitchen. He laid out food for Freddy then retired to his room. He’d barely gotten comfortable when Freddy started scratching at the bedroom door. Kian reluctantly got up, opened the door and allowed the puppy into his room. He put Freddy on the bed and the puppy curled up and went straight to sleep. The clock beside the bed told him it was still early so Kian settled down and tried for a nap himself.

*

After trying, unsuccessfully, for over an hour to sleep, he gave up and started to pace around his room. There was just too much for him to comprehend right now. Shane and Nicky were constantly arguing, Bryan had dropped some rather unsettling news about Ryan and Kian was still trying to understand what Kathy had been hinting at about him.  
He knew he couldn’t stay here all afternoon or he’d go stir crazy. He showered and changed his clothes then he left his room, leaving the door open for Freddy to follow when he was ready. Kian reached the Kitchen, scribbled a quick note for his friends and grabbed his phone and car keys. Once in the car, he started for the Hospital to check on Mark [and Jade] but without realizing, he’d driven himself somewhere else entirely.

*-*

“Why should I care if Nicky and Shane were to break up?”  
Kathy wasn’t entirely surprised by Kian’s outburst. She looked at him with her usual compassion and concern before ushering him inside. Had it been anyone else, she may have been annoyed by the greeting she’d just received but she’d been expecting him [and this].

“Have Shane and Nicky called a truce?” Kathy asked, not acknowledging Kian’s question.  
“I… I guess so” Kian replied. He didn’t understand why she hadn’t answered him.  
“Coffee?”  
“Beer?”

They walked through her apartment and into the Kitchen. She opened the fridge and retrieved two cans of beer. She handed one to Kian before leaving the room and moving into the Living room. Kian followed her and took a seat on the couch opposite her. She opened her drink and took a mouthful. The younger boy watched her, having not opened his yet.

“What were you playing at earlier?” Kian demanded to know. “I have not become obsessed with keeping Nicky and Shane together”  
“Haven’t you?”  
“No!”  
“So you were offended by what I said?”  
“Of course”  
“Well, if it’s not true then why are you so offended by it?”

Kian opened his mouth to argue but stopped. He stared down at his unopened beer, unable to look her in the eye. He busied himself in opening it and taking a long sip. She continued to watch him, waiting for him to speak again. Several minutes passed when neither of them spoke.

“You have your own life to live, Kian” Kathy began.  
”I am living my own life” Kian replied.  
“Really?”  
“Yes!”  
“When was the last time you went on a date?”  
“I… Well…”  
“Have you dated since we broke up?”  
“I… That’s none of your business!”  
“I’m just trying to help you”  
“By prying into my personal life?”  
“You came here, not the other way around… Kian, you have to stop living through Nicky and Shane”  
“I’m not-“  
“I understand that you care about them but you’ve spent so much time playing umpire for all their fights and disputes that you’ve lost track of your own life”  
“That’s not true”  
“Kian… What is it about them? Why can’t you just leave them be? If it’s not meant to be then you can’t force it”  
“I… I know” Kian whispered. “I mean, no. It’s not them. It’s nothing… It’s none of your business!”  
Kathy smiled to herself then stood up. She crossed the room and sat down on the couch beside Kian. The younger boy looked at her as he blinked back some tears. She reached out and took his hand. He didn’t attempt to push her away.

“It’s not them, is it?” She whispered. “Something else… Or someone else?”  
Kian didn’t move aside from averting his eyes.  
“It was a long time ago, no?” Slowly, Kian nodded his head.  
“Do you want to talk about it?”

Kian lifted his face, looking into her eyes. She could see the loss and pain he was suffering but also his reluctance to talk about it. She’d seen patients like this and knew she wasn’t going to get any thing more from him right now. For a moment, she searched her mind for a change in the subject, trying to think of something else to talk about. Nothing came to mind.  
The blonde singer placed his drink on the table before taking her hand in his. He placed his other hand and her cheek then leaned forward and kissed her. She froze for a moment before gently returning his embrace. A few moments passed before she pulled away from him.

“This won’t solve anything Kian” she whispered.  
“I know” Kian replied.  
“Is this really what you want right now?”  
“I want this” he whispered. “I need this”  
“We shouldn’t…” She tried to argue. “We… We’re not together anymore”  
“We don’t need to be…”  
“Kian…”  
“Please Kathy. Once more… For old times sake?”

She looked into his eyes and immediately regretted it. She’d never been able to say no to him. She may not feel the same way about him anymore but she knew how badly he needed to escape from reality right now. Kathy smiled at him, reasoning that once he’d gotten this out of his system he’d be more willing to talk. She took his hands in hers, stood up and together they headed for her bedroom.


	46. Chapter Forty Five

Shane wasn't aware that he'd fallen asleep. One moment he'd been lying on the couch, in Nicky's arms and the next he'd awoken with a stiff neck. He slowly lifted his head from Nicky's chest and glanced at the clock. They'd been asleep for more than an hour! He raised his hand and gently massaged his neck before turning his gaze to his lover. The blonde was still sleeping peacefully and Shane didn't want to disturb him but he knew he couldn't get up himself without waking him.  
The younger boy smiled to himself before snuggling back down against Nicky. He was in no hurry to get up, Nicky's body felt comfortable and warm against his own and Shane was more than happy to stay right where he was.

Shane busied himself watching Nicky sleep; with each passing minute he felt his love for Nicky increase. He'd been unfair to the blonde and he regretted it. Sure Nicky had forgiven him but Shane promised himself he'd be more considerate in the future. He was desperately fighting back the urge to kiss the older boy when Nicky began to stir. He opened his eyes and looked down at Shane. His fiancé smiled up at him and Nicky grinned back. The brunette reached up and kissed Nicky's cheek.

"Hey" Shane greeted him.  
"Hi" Nicky smiled.  
The blonde brought his hand up and closed it over Shane's. Neither one of them said anything further though Shane brought Nicky's hand to his lips and kissed his palm.

"We should probably get up" Nicky suggested.  
He smiled again as he gently ran his hand through Shane's hair.  
"I know" Shane agreed. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of Nicky's fingers in his dark locks.  
"Seriously, Shay. I'm hungry"  
"Me too"

Shane reluctantly pulled away from Nicky. He slid off the blonde and onto the couch. Nicky sat up, stifling a yawn with his hand, before wiping the sleep from his eyes. Shane watched him, not saying a word. Nicky's eyes met with Shane's and the brunette smiled at him.  
"What?" Nicky asked.  
"Nothing" Shane grinned.  
"Shay!"  
"It's just... You look cute when you've just woken up"

Nicky felt his cheeks flush and he quickly looked away. He didn’t know why he reacted the way he did, it wasn’t the first time Shane had complimented him or his appearance. He offered his hand to Shane and pulled the brunette to his feet.  
Once he was on his feet, Shane wrapped his arms around Nicky’s neck and pulled him close.   
“Thank you” Shane whispered in his ear.  
“For what?” Nicky asked, sounding confused.  
“For putting up with me”  
“Well, love makes people do crazy things”  
“I mean it Nicky”  
“I know you do”  
“No, I really mean it. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to be around lately but you… You’re still here [for me]… With me… And it… It’s like… No matter how bad I get, you… You still love me”  
“Of course I do. I promise you, Shane… I’ll never stop loving you! You hear me?”  
Shane nodded his head. “I’ll never stop loving you either”  
“I know”

Nicky wrapped his arms around Shane’s waist and pulled him ever closer. He leaned forward and kissed him deeply.  
“Now that we’re done being all mushy… I’m still hungry” Nicky stated,  
Shane laughed. “Me too”  
“Last one downstairs does the washing up!”  
Nicky broke away from Shane and made a beeline for the door. The younger boy was caught off-guard but immediately hurried after the blonde. Despite having a head-start, Shane beat Nicky to the Kitchen but, in Nicky’s mind, he let the brunette win.

*-*-*-*-*

Mark shifted uncomfortably in his chair. His back was aching from being in the one position for so long. He checked his watch and yawned. The brunette had been at the hospital for most of the morning, he’d gone home for lunch and to grab a book then he’d returned to the hospital. He knew there wasn’t anything he could do for Jade but he felt less guilt in his heart while he sat by her bed.

The book he had been reading had fallen on the floor so he leaned down and picked it up. He placed it on the table by the bed then turned to look at Jade. During the past few months he’d come to love her as a best friend… Or even a sister. He smiled at the thought. Yes, she was the sister he’d not had while growing up. She, on the other hand, had grown up with two brothers. One was now gone and the other (Mark hoped) was heading to prison.  
He reached out and took hold of Jade’s hand. He was at a loss for what to do so he gently squeezed her hand… Wanting her to know he was here for her… That she wasn’t alone. He smiled as she, very gently, squeezed his hand in return.

Mark froze in shock.  
“Jade?” he whispered.

“Nurse!” Mark called as he hurried to press the call button.

*-*-*-*-*

Katherine slowly began to stir. She opened her eyes and was surprised to find the bed beside her empty. She fumbled for the switch on the bedside lamp then reached for her watch. It was late and her room mate would be home shortly. She grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a shirt, dressed quickly and left the room.  
Kian was in the Living room. Their neglected drinks were still on the coffee table and he appeared to be staring at them. Though, for some reason, Kathy suspected he wasn’t really seeing them. She walked into the room and sat down on the couch beside the young singer. Kian had awoken some time earlier, dressed quietly and slipped out of the room. He’d had every intention of slipping, unnoticed, out the door but once he’d reached the Living room, something had made him stop.  
Kathy reached out and placed her hand on his arm. His eyes flickered from the unfinished beers to her caring face. She didn’t draw any attention to the tears in his eyes. She simply put her arms around him and held him supportively.

“I knew someone” Kian began. “Someone who suffered like Shane did”  
He slowly pulled away and looked at her. She nodded in understanding but didn’t push him to go on.  
“I loved her but she pushed me away…” he continued, tears still in his eyes. “And I let her. But now… Now when I look at Shane and Nicky… I see her and me… And I…”  
He paused and shook his head as the tears slowly rolled down his cheeks.  
“After Shane was found… He tried to push Nicky away and Nicky was prepared to go. So I told him about her and how I wasn’t there for her [when she needed me]. He understood and he… He went back to Shane but what if… What if Shane pushes him too far and he finally leaves?”  
“What happened to her Kian?” Kathy whispered.  
“Well… After I talked to Nicky about her, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I knew I needed to find her, to see her again but I…” Kian took a deep breath and looked up at her. “I was too late. She wasn’t strong enough to cope and… She took her own life”   
Any shock that Katherine felt at those words, she managed not to show in front of him. So many things were starting to make sense to her. Already so many unasked questions had been answered.  
“I’m so sorry” she told him. “When did you find out?”  
“About two months ago… It happened last year though. It took me awhile to track the family down and I spoke to her mother. She said… Sarah never fully recovered from what was done to her but that, hopefully, she could finally be at peace now”  
“And you never told anyone this?”  
He shook his head. “Nicky and Shane had enough to deal with… Mark had been pulling away from us and Bryan… Well, he’s got a family to occupy himself with. The last thing any of them needed was me and my problems to worry about”  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
Kian shrugged. “You deal with people and their problems all day long (and get paid for it). I didn’t want to trouble you any further”  
“Oh Kian”

She really didn’t know what else to say. The young singer had suffered almost as much as his friends but he’d chosen to keep it all bottled up inside. She hated to think how much this burden must have tormented him. Even his closest friends were unaware of his suffering as he’d not wanted to trouble any of them.  
“I’m sorry Kathy” Kian whispered. “I never wanted to drag you into this”  
“You didn’t” she replied. “Kian, I consider you a friend and I care about you. If you ever need to talk or anything, you can come to me… You understand?”  
Kian slowly nodded as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Kian?” Kathy whispered.  
He looked at her and, in that moment, he wished he were in love with her.  
“Kathy?” he replied.  
“What happened to your friend, Sarah, was tragic. But you have to remember that she is not Shane. You’re scared that one day Nicky will leave and Shane will… Hurt himself?”   
Kian shifted uncomfortably. “Maybe”  
“If I may be so bold?” Kian nodded. “I’ve only know Shane for eight months but I can assure you that he is not a suicide risk. He’s strong and determined to beat this. I understand why you’re thinking it…”  
“You saw what Shane was like today… How badly he needed Nicky”  
“Kian… Do you really think that Nicky could ever truly leave Shane?”  
“No”  
“I agree”

Kian reached out and took her hand.  
“Thank you, Kathy” Kian whispered.   
“You’re welcome” she replied.

*

The front door opened then closed as Katherine’s room mate entered their apartment.  
“Kat?”   
“Ellie?”

A young woman appeared in the doorway. She spotted Kian and broke into a smile.  
“Good news” Elizabeth stated. “The Doctors say your friend Jade is showing signs of life… They’re hopeful she’ll wake up within the next two days!”  
“Really?” Kian asked. Ellie nodded.   
“That’s fantastic” Kathy agreed.  
“Can I use your phone? I want to call home and tell them right away” 

Kathy nodded and Kian headed for the Kitchen. Ellie dropped down onto the couch beside her room mate and eyed her suspiciously.  
“What?” Katherine asked her.  
“Are you two back together” Ellie inquired. Kathy laughed.  
“We’re just friends”  
“But you shagged him!”  
“How do you do that?”  
“It’s a gift… I just *know* these things”  
“Well forget about it… We’re long over. He may be in love with a particular blue-eyed, brunette… But it’s not me”  
“You don’t sound too upset about it”  
She shrugged. “I’ve still got his friendship… That’s all that matters”


	47. Chapter Forty Six

After finding nothing edible in the Kitchen, Nicky decided to order Chinese. He located a menu, selected their meals and picked up the phone to place their order. Shane was collecting their jackets from the hall closet when the phone rang and Nicky answered it. Shane remained in the hall, straining his ears to determine who had called.  
A few minutes later, Nicky appeared and smiled at Shane. The younger boy helped the blonde into his jacket then asked who was on the phone.

"It was your mam" Nicky told him. "She wanted to see how you were holding up"  
"And?" Shane asked.  
"I said you were okay. Then I said we were just on our way out and that you'd call her when we got back"  
Shane reached down and squeezed Nicky's hand. The blonde grinned at him before Shane turned and opened the front door.

*

Nicky unpacked the bags of food while Shane sat on the counter, watching him. The brunette balanced the phone in the crook of his neck, leaving his hands free to play with a paper napkin. Nicky busied himself with their dinner as Shane talked to his mother then his father.  
The older boy had to admit Shane's parents had been amazing during this entire ordeal (so had his own). He knew it wasn't easy watching someone you love suffer... And being unable to help them.

Shane watched as Nicky picked up their two plates and carried them from the room. He returned, a moment later, and picked up a bottle of wine and two glasses. The blonde made several trips between the Living room and Kitchen but Shane couldn't figure out why. The next time he appeared, he started to rummage through the empty bags but couldn't find what he'd been looking for. Shane dropped the napkin and pointed to one of the drawers. Nicky went to the drawer, smiled at Shane, reached inside and found two pair of chopsticks.

"I've got to go mam" Shane said. "We'll see ye tomorrow... I will... You too... Bye"  
The brunette hung up the phone and slid off the counter.  
"Mam and dad send their love"

Nicky nodded and picked up a handful of napkins. Shane then followed him into the Living room but stopped in the doorway. Nicky's extra trips between the two rooms were suddenly explained.  
While Shane had been on the phone, Nicky had been busy. The lights were off and a cozy fire had been lit. Several candles had been placed on various tables and shelves around the room. The low coffee table was in front of the fireplace, set for two with the bottle of wine in the centre. Shane couldn't believe Nicky had gone to so much trouble while he'd been on the phone. He turned to look at the blonde and noticed the older boy was looking at him nervously.

"It's beautiful, Nicky" Shane whispered.  
"Not too over the top?" Nicky asked.  
"No, it's just perfect"

Shane placed a quick kiss on Nicky's cheek and the couple sat down to a romantic dinner.

After they finished their meal, the two singers curled up in front of the fire and settled down to watch a movie. The telephone began to ring but Shane was settled and didn't want to get up. Nicky couldn't move without disturbing Shane.  
"Just let it ring" Shane whispered; Nicky nodded.  
Once the phone stopped, Shane had a difficult time concentrating on the film again and his mind began to wonder. He shifted his head upon Nicky's shoulder then reached down to hold his hand. He stared at their entwined fingers and gently stroked his thumb across Nicky's palm.  
The older boy had been trying to watch the film but he could tell Shane was distracted. After struggling to concentrate on the movie, Nicky finally turned his attention to Shane.

"You're not okay" Nicky whispered. "Are you?"  
He felt Shane shaking his head and the brunette's silent tears soaked into his shirt.  
"Shay?"  
Shane slowly pulled away and stared up into Nicky's eyes.  
"This time tomorrow it'll all be over" Shane told him.

"Yeah, it will"  
"So why do I feel like this?"  
"Like what?"  
Shane shrugged his shoulders and looked away.

Nicky wrapped his arm around Shane's shoulder and pulled him close. He could sense the brunette didn't want to talk anymore so he fell silent. The blonde reached out and picked up his glass of wine. Two fortune cookies were still on the table so Nicky grabbed one and handed it to Shane. The brunette took hold of it and snapped it open. He handed the fortune to Nicky and settled back against his chest, toying with the cookie in his hand.  
The blonde placed the wine glass on the floor and unfolded the piece of paper. He read the fortune to himself then leaned down and placed a kiss on Shane's crown. The brunette closed his eyes and listened to sound of the television. Nicky dropped the paper on the floor, picked up his wine and turned his attention back to the movie.

When the film ended, Nicky roused Shane from his sleep and helped him to his feet. He sent the younger boy up to bed and quickly cleaned up. He blew out the candles, put out the fire and took the plates into the Kitchen. He dropped them into the sink and made a note to wash them tomorrow.  
The clock on the wall told him it was after midnight. The blonde didn't know when Kian would be home and he didn't know if he should leave a light on for him. He walked back down the hall and turned the front porch light on before making his way up the stairs. Shane had left the bedroom door open and the lamp on for him. The blonde closed the door and looked at the bed. Shane was already curled up under the duvet; Freddy was asleep up at the foot of the mattress.

Nicky walked into the bathroom, washed his face, brushed his teeth and changed into his sweatpants. He returned to the bedroom, closed the curtains and switched off the lamp. He climbed into the bed, pulling the covers over his body. Shane immediately snuggled closer to the blonde. Nicky wrapped his arm around the brunette; Shane settled himself against Nicky's shoulder and closed his eyes.

For a long time, the couple lay in silence. Shane couldn’t bring himself to sleep. Nicky was able to tell that his fiancé hadn’t nodded off yet. He opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself. The brunette stirred restlessly and laid his hand upon Nicky’s chest, lightly tracing patterns across the skin. The older boy allowed these actions for a few minutes before reaching up and placing his hand upon Shane’s.

“Can’t sleep” Shane whispered.  
Nicky wasn’t sure if it was a question or a statement.  
“It’ll all be over soon” Nicky told him.

Neither one of them was ready for sleep. Shane was too anxious and Nicky was worried about Shane. They continued talking to each other. They discussed the upcoming tour, Nicky’s excitement at becoming Molly’s Godparents, even plans for their wedding. Neither of them mentioned Nicky’s ultimatum about Mark. Shane expressed his distress over Bobby’s death and how he’d wished him to be part of their ceremony. Talk turned to locations for the event and for their honeymoon.  
They didn’t discuss the inevitable. An unspoken agreement was met where they didn’t mention what was to come the following day. It was a long time before either of them drifted off to sleep.

*-*-*-*-*

Kian arrived home and quietly entered the house. He switched off the porch light and walked down the hall. Peering into the Living room, he saw the remnants of Nicky and Shane's night in. The blonde removed his jacket as he continued walking down the hall. Once in his room, he collapsed on top of the duvet and stared into the darkness. He wasn't tired but knew he needed sleep. Tomorrow was going to be a rough day and he wanted to be there for his friends.  
Despite not knowing what was still to come, Kian realized he felt a lot better than he had for a long time. His talk with Kathy had released a heavy weight from his heart. He remembered the news Kathy's room mate had brought about Jade and felt his hope rising. It seemed that everyone involved with this trial suffered in some way, shape or form. They had already lost Bobby, Kian didn't want to think what would happen if they lost Jade too. The blonde kicked off his shoes, removed his shirt and climbed under the duvet. He closed his eyes and, eventually, drifted off to sleep.

*

Kian awoke before his alarm. He rose from his bed and made straight for the bathroom. He showered and dressed before making his way to the Kitchen. As he passed the Living room, he stopped in the doorway. Nicky was sitting on the couch, his legs tucked under his body; he was nursing a mug of coffee and staring at the far wall.

"Nicky?" Kian whispered.  
The older boy's eyes shifted and he fixed his gaze upon his band mate.  
"You okay?"  
Nicky shrugged and took a sip from the steaming mug.  
"Shane awake yet?" Nicky nodded.  
"Still up stairs?" Another nod.  
"Kettle still warm?" A third nod.

Kian nodded in response then turned and headed into the Kitchen. He located a cup and prepared coffee for himself. The newspaper was on the table, he assumed Nicky had brought it inside, so he sat down at and unfolded it. The photo on the front showed Bryan and Nicky escorting Shane from the courthouse. Kian decided he didn't want to know what the paper was saying; he folded it and pushed it aside.  
The blonde raised the cup to his lips and took a mouthful. The coffee tasted bitter but he wondered if it were just his imagination. He remained seated at the table, stirring the coffee but not wanting to drink it.

Several minutes passed before he heard footsteps on the stairs. Then Shane appeared in the doorway.  
"Shane" Kian began.  
"Morning" Shane replied.  
"Morning... Uh, kettle just boiled"  
Shane shook his head.  
"Don't think I can stomach coffee today"  
"Neither can I"

Kian stood up, crossed the room and poured the contents into the sink. Shane watched him but didn't know what else to say. He nervously started to play with his cuff-links.  
"Nicky's in the Living room..." Kian told him.

"No, I'm here"  
Nicky was now standing in the doorway. Shane walked over to him and Nicky put his arm around him.  
"Not long now, huh?" Nicky stated.

The three singers exchanged nervous looks.  
"What time...?" Shane trailed off.  
"Eleven" Kian answered him.  
"So... How are we going to get through the next" Nicky checked his watch "three hours?"

Shane turned into Nicky's embrace. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  
"It's nearly over" he whispered.  
"Yeah" Nicky kissed Shane's forehead. "It's almost over, babe"


	48. Chapter Forty Seven

The drive to the courthouse was the worst Kian had endured. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't tell Shane of their suspicions about Ryan but every time he sneaked a look at Shane [in the mirror] he had to bite his tongue. They had no proof, only what Bryan had heard, and Kian didn't want to get Shane worked up over something that could turn out to be nothing. He tried to think of something to say, to ease the tensions in the car.  
Shane was, once again, fidgeting with his tie. Unsure of what to do, Nicky decided to leave him be. The blonde chewed his bottom lip as he refrained from speaking. He wanted to help Shane but didn't know how. He tried to comfort himself with the knowledge this would be over soon.

"So..." Kian began, "Good news about Jade, huh?"  
"What?" Shane asked, his tie slipping through his fingers.  
"You... Oh, you lads didn't check the machine?"  
The two singers exchanged a look before returning their attention to their friend.  
"I was uh at Kathy's last night... And her room mate came home and said that Jade was showing signs of recovery. She said the doctors were hopeful she'd wake up within the next day or so"  
"That's great news!" Nicky exclaimed.  
"Yeah, great" Shane agreed.  
"I called last night to tell you lads but no one answered..."  
Nicky looked at Shane, feeling slightly guilty that he hadn't picked up the phone the previous night. The younger boy was staring down at his hands.

"So Ki" Nicky began, his tone light and teasing. "What were you doing at Kathy's?"  
"I don't kiss and tell, Nicky" Kian joked.  
"So it was more than kissing?"  
"Nicky!"  
"Hey I thought you two broke up, you're the one who went to her place last night"  
Kian glanced at Nicky's reflection and, childishly, poked his tongue out. In turn, Nicky pulled a face at his band mate before flipping him off. The two singers laughed; the tension in the car temporarily gone.

After Kian parked the car, he climbed out and closed the door. Nicky and Shane were still in the back seat, Nicky un-buckled his seatbelt and reached for the door handle. Shane reached out and gripped his arm. Nicky looked out the window and saw Kian. The younger boy looked at Nicky but the blonde waved him on. Kian nodded then walked away, giving his friends some space.

"Shane, what is it?" Nicky asked. "What's wrong?"  
The brunette loosened his grip then shook his head but Nicky could see right through him.  
"It's about Jade, isn't it?" Shane slowly nodded.  
"I know its good news but..."  
"But bad timing?"

Shane looked up at Nicky and the older boy could see the guilt in his eyes. Nicky placed his hand on Shane's knee and offered him a reassuring smile.  
"It's okay Shane" Nicky told him.  
"No, I'm being selfish" Shane replied.  
"Maybe but I... I understand"  
"You do?"  
"Yes, you're under a lot of stress and... None of this is your fault, Shane. What happened to Jade was a terrible accident but..." Nicky gently stroked Shane's knee.  
"If only she could have testified" Shane whispered. Nicky nodded.  
"Its okay, Shane" he whispered.  
The brunette nodded and returned Nicky's smile.  
"Come on let's just get this over with"

*-*

Kian left Nicky and Shane in the car then made his way inside.  
"Kian!"

The blonde turned around and spotted Mark. He smiled, hurried over to his friend and threw his arms around him.  
"I'm so glad you're here" Kian told him.

Mark returned the embrace but the blonde quickly pulled away.  
"Wait, why are you here?" Kian asked. "Shouldn't you be at the hospital with Jade?"  
"Yeah, I should" Mark replied. "But I... I wanted to be here... For Shane"  
"Oh Mark"  
"How is he doing?"  
"He... He'll be okay when this is all over"  
"Do you think it'll go in his favour?"  
"God, I hope so..."  
"It doesn't look good, does it?"

Kian paused, unsure of what to say.   
"Well..." he began. "The other's all pleaded not guilty but there was..." Kian shifted uncomfortably. "Uh, they all confessed when they were arrested and they should get 8 years but..."  
"But?"  
"Christian's lawyer is... Well, aside from being a jerk... He... He's trying to convince the jury that Christian wasn't responsible. And I think it's working"  
"What?"  
"He said... He's not denying what happened to Shane, only that Christian wasn't responsible for it. There's no proof that Christian was involved. Shane couldn't ID him and the only people who can place him there were Bobby and Jade"  
"Does Shane know about this?"  
"No"  
"He doesn't?"  
"He wasn't in the room for the closing statements"  
"Why not?"  
"Oh... Sorry, I forgot you weren't there" Kian averted his eyes. "It was a rough day"

"I'm sorry too" Mark replied.  
"Come on," Kian ushered Mark along the hall. "I'll fill you in..."

*-*

Nicky and Shane managed to avoid the reporters and enter the court house. The older boy turned to Shane.  
"We're a little early" he began. "Do you want to go grab a coffee or something?"  
The brunette shook his head.  
"I just want to get this over with" Shane replied.  
Nicky nodded and took hold of Shane's hand. The couple then headed straight for the court room. Shane's nerves were starting to get to him and his hands started trembling. Nicky could feel the tension emitting from his fiancé and gently squeezed his hand. Shane tried to smile at Nicky but couldn't force himself. He pulled his hand away from Nicky's and sat down. He rested his elbows on the table and started to nibble on his fingernail.  
The blonde reached out again, took hold of Shane's wrist and pulled his hand away from his mouth. Shane looked up at Nicky and stopped trying to hide his nerves.

"It's almost over, Shay" Nicky told him.  
"I know" Shane replied. "Thanks Nicky"  
"For what?"  
"You know... For being here for me, with me. I keep saying this but I couldn't have gotten through this without you"

"Nicky, Shane"

The two singers turned and spotted Nicky's parents. The couple walked down the aisle and approached their son. Nicky stood up and hugged his mother. She then turned and embraced Shane.

"Morning lads" Yvonne said.  
"Hi mam" Nicky replied.  
"How are you holding up?" Nicky's father asked.   
"We're getting there" Shane said.  
"Your father and I are proud of you" Yvonne added. "Both of you"  
Nicky smiled, Shane nodded as the four of them were joined by Shane's parents.

*-*

When Kian and Mark entered the court room, some time later, they spotted Shane and Nicky with their parents but decided to leave them be. Kian helped Mark into one of the benches in the back. He took the brunette’s crutches and placed them aside.  
"Shane looks scared" Mark stated.  
"Wouldn't you?" Kian asked.  
"Good point"

Several more people filed past them and took seats in the room. Neither Kian or Mark knew what to say. Kian nodded to his cousin as she entered the court room. She nodded back as she passed.

"Shane's got a lot of friends here today" Mark said.  
"Like you" Kian replied.  
"I didn't mean..."  
"I know but you are here, today, for him"  
"Jade could wake up any minute... But I knew I needed to be here for him [even if he doesn't want me here]"  
"Oh Mark, Shane's just upset. But in time, he'll look back on this and be just as glad as I am that you're here"

Bryan and Kerry entered through the doors and walked over to them. Mark stood up and hugged them both. He was unsteady on his injured leg and quickly sat down.  
"Where's Molly?" Mark asked.  
"With Bryan's parents" Kerry replied. "I wanted to be here"  
"We all wanted... Needed to be here" Bryan added, looking at Mark.  
"How's Jade?" Kerry enquired.  
"Hopefully she'll wake up soon" Mark answered.  
"A couple of hours too late" Kian added.  
"Kian" Bryan began.  
"Don't look at me like that! You were all thinking it"

All eyes then turned to the front of the room. Nicky and Shane were still with their parents. Kian and Bryan exchanged a look as Ryan approached their friends. They watched as he shook hands with both Shane then Nicky. Kian cast a look at Bryan and noticed he was cracking his knuckles.

"Should we move closer?" Kerry suggested.  
Kian stood up with them, helping Mark, and the group moved towards the front of the room. They filed into a bench and sat down. None of them spoke for which Kian was grateful as he tried to hear what Ryan was saying to his band mates. His eavesdropping attempt was foiled when Mark placed his hand on Kian's knee and the older boy's concentration was broken. He turned to look at Mark and the brunette flashed him a reassuring smile. Kian nodded and returned the smile.

Shane hugged his mother once more before his parents walked away. Nicky's mother and father followed them to the bench in front of Kian, Mark, Bryan and Kerry and the four of them sat down.

Mark looked around the room, surprised by how quickly the room had filled. He felt bad for not being here sooner. He knew Shane was mad at him but he was worried that by not being here sooner, he had hurt Shane further. From the amount of people in the room, Mark knew Shane had many friends to support him but the younger boy felt guilty for not showing his own support before now.

*

The side door opened and Christian entered the room. He was accompanied by six other men. Mark recognized one of them as being Alex, the man he'd been hoodwinked by. A part of him wanted to run up to him and punch the smirk off his face.

"You recognize one of them?" Kian whispered in Mark's ear.  
"Yes" Mark nodded. "Second from the right"  
"The one staring at you?"  
"It's Alex"  
"So why hasn't he put you in? There's been no mention of you in this trial"  
"You sound disappointed"  
"No, of course not. Just... Worried. Why threaten you with it, if they weren't going to say anything?"  
"I don't know"

Mark averted his eyes and stared down at his hands. He watched as Kian placed his hand over his. He tried to pull away but the blonde wouldn't let him go.

"Have they been here every day?" Mark asked, once more cursing himself for not coming sooner.  
"Yeah... That's Brad Williams, James Smith, Tony Goldstein, Joseph Summers & Drew Stevens... And you recognized Alex Cummings, next to Christian... They all pleaded guilty to sexual assault and should get eight years. But Christian swore he never touched Shane or hurt him in any way. And there's no proof that he did or didn't hurt him"  
"But if Christian hadn't organized the whole thing then those other lads wouldn't have gotten close enough to Shane to hurt him"  
"And hopefully the Jury will see it that way"  
"If he's found 'Not Guilty', will he be released?"  
"With most cases yes but the Judge can over-rule a Jury decision if they feel the need to"

"Please God" Mark whispered. "You've helped Shane this far, don't let him down now"


	49. Epilogue

Shane slowly opened his eyes. Sunlight was streaming in through the window. He blinked, attempting to adjust to the brightness of the room. He wondered how he had managed to sleep through the glare. The brunette reached out for the sleeping body beside his but discovered an empty mattress.  
Now fully awake, he sat up and looked around. He was completely alone. The only sounds were those of the waves crashing against the beach below the open window. As he tried to decide if he should call out to the blonde or just leap out of bed and search for him, the bedroom door opened and Nicky appeared.

"I thought you'd still be sleeping" Nicky greeted him.  
He had seen the look of panic on Shane's face before it vanished and he immediately felt guilty.  
"Just woke up" Shane replied as he stifled a yawn. "You weren't here..."  
"I'm sorry Shay... I was hoping to surprise you"  
"More surprises?"  
"It was going to be breakfast in bed but-"  
Shane smiled up at the blonde.  
"But it's the thought that counts" Shane finished.  
"You want me to set the table instead?" Nicky asked him.  
Shane nodded. "Please?" 

Nicky smiled then left the room. Shane watched him go, feeling bad for ruining the surprise and making the older boy change his plans. But he'd never been one to eat in bed. He slowly climbed out from under the sheets and off the mattress. He picked up his robe and wrapped it around him. Nicky had been wearing his and Shane felt they should match. He left the bedroom and entered their suite.  
A smorgasbord of food appeared to cover the entire table. Nicky was smiling at him. Shane couldn't help but smile back. He walked over to Nicky and hugged him.

"Good morning" Shane whispered.  
Nicky turned into Shane's embrace and returned the gesture.  
"Morning" he replied. "Happy birthday babe"  
Shane grinned then leaned forward and placed a single kiss upon Nicky's lips.  
"It's beautiful Nicky" Shane told him.

Nicky broke the embrace then led Shane over to the table. He pulled out Shane's chair and the brunette sat down. Nicky then seated himself opposite. Shane surveyed all the items which lay before him on the table. There was bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes, links, beans, fruit, tea, coffee, juice and more. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen this much food.  
"You... You ordered all this?" Shane asked.  
"I didn't know what you would feel like eating" Nicky admitted.

Shane couldn't believe how much trouble Nicky had gone to... For him. He said so to the blonde.  
"This is nothing, Shay" Nicky insisted. "And I know things have been hard for you, for me and for us [lately] but you deserve this. You deserve so much more than this, even more than I can give you..."  
Shane reached out and placed his hand on top of Nicky's.  
"I don't want anything more, Nix. As long as I have you, I have everything I could ever want or need"  
Nicky slowly nodded his head in understanding.

"But are you sure?" Nicky blurted out.  
"Why wouldn't I be?" Shane asked his voice gentle and caring.  
"Because of me... My memory still hasn't come back and you & me... We can't... Be intimate..."  
Shane couldn't stop the laugh that escaped his lips. Nicky stared up at him in shock. The pain in his eyes told Shane that Nicky couldn't see the humor in his own words.

"Oh Nicky" Shane began. "I wasn't laughing at you. Just the way you said it. We... We can be 'intimate' as you put it, without having sex. You and me, we're going to be together for the rest of our lives... Why do we need to be in a hurry to have sex?"  
"Be... Because we've already done it once. Don't you want to do it again?"  
"No"  
"Was I that bad?"  
"Nicky..."

Shane climbed out of his chair and walked around the table. Nicky pushed his own chair back and looked up at the brunette. The younger boy sat down on Nicky's lap and wrapped his arms around the blonde's neck. In turn, Nicky placed his arm around Shane's waist.  
The brunette leaned in and rested his forehead against Nicky's.

"Nix" Shane whispered. "What we did... What happened between us that night was perfect. It was, without a doubt, the happiest moment of my life"  
"So why-"  
Shane placed his finger to Nicky's lips, silencing him. He paused, staring into Nicky's piercing blue orbs. He tried to think of a way to explain what he was feeling without it sounding lame or 'corny'.

"Nicky, our first time together was... For lack of a better word 'magical'. The way we held each other. When you looked at me, I felt like I was the only person on earth and that there was nothing I couldn't do"  
"But-"  
"And now I'm being selfish. I would love nothing more than to carry you into the bedroom and make love to you all morning but I can't"  
"Shay"  
"I'm not ready Nicky. Being in that courtroom, seeing all those men... And now being able to put faces to the names of the men who did what they did to me... It's too much"  
"I'm sorry" Nicky whispered as he took Shane's hand in his. "I didn't know... I didn't think"  
"And I'm scared for you"  
"For me?"  
"What Tobey and Kane did to you... What if you and I are... Together... And it brings your memories back"  
"But I want the memories of you and me back"  
"I don't want to risk you remembering the pain they caused you while I'm making love to you"  
The older boy nodded, finally understanding Shane's hesitation. He brushed his lips against Shane's cheek.

 

"So... What do you want to do today?" Nicky asked, attempting to change the subject.  
Shane cast him a look, remembering what he'd just said to Nicky.  
"We could go down to the beach?" Shane suggested.  
"Today's your birthday, we should do something special" Nicky replied.  
"Any suggestions?"  
"I don't know... But come on, we're in Hawaii!"

"Thanks to you" Shane said, he squeezed Nicky's hand. "Thanks for bringing me here, Nicky"  
"You needed this Shane" Nicky replied.

The couple fell silent, both deep in thought. The moment the verdict had been shared, Nicky had swept Shane out of the courtroom and into the car. That night their house had been swamped by family and friends but Shane had spent the entire time locked away in their bedroom. Nicky had called Louis and demanded the next week off. They were meant to begin rehearsals for the upcoming tour but Nicky had argued with their manager until the older man had relented. He had then called an airline and booked two tickets for them [the following day] to Hawaii.  
They had departed without a word about the trial [or the verdict] to their friends or each other. Shane had started to return to normal and Nicky knew getting away had been the right decision.

"Why?" Shane suddenly screamed.  
He leapt off Nicky's lap and walked across the room. The younger boy collapsed on the couch, burying his face in his hands. Nicky jumped to his feet and hurried over to the brunette. He sat down beside him and pulled Shane's body closer. The younger boy turned into Nicky and buried his face in the blonde's chest. He could feel Nicky's arms around him and tried to stop himself from shuddering.

"Shay, it's okay" Nicky whispered.  
"No, Nicky" Shane sobbed. "It's NOT okay... It's not okay"

Nicky closed his eyes and held Shane tightly in his arms. The younger boy began to cry as Nicky soothed him. The blonde didn't know what to say to his love. He'd been preparing himself for this for the past few days and now that the moment was here, he was at a complete loss.

"He did it, Nicky" Shane whispered. "He did this to me"  
"I know" Nicky replied.  
"And he got away with it"  
"Two hundred hours community service... And he spent the better half of this last year in jail"  
"Eight months, Nicky... Eight months in jail. He made money off people raping me!"  
"I know, babe. But there was no proof of it"  
"Fuck proof, I know he did it... I know he was responsible"  
"But they couldn't prove it"

Shane pulled away from Nicky and looked up into his eyes. The older boy could see the pain and heartache in his lover's orbs.  
"What if he tries it again?" Shane asked.  
"He won't" Nicky replied.  
"But what if he does?"

"Shane" Nicky began, placing his hand on Shane's cheek. "We knew it could go this way... That there was a good chance he'd get away with it"  
"That doesn't make it any easier, Nix"  
"I didn't say it would"  
"I'm sorry I'm such a car wreck"  
"A car wreck?"  
"I'm an emotionally unstable whack-job"  
"Maybe... But you're my emotionally unstable whack-job, Shane"  
"Nicky-"  
"This isn't going to go away over night. I've been watching you like a hawk for these past few days, just waiting for this to come out. You need to talk to me, tell me what you're going through and how you're feeling. Maybe I've made this worse for you by bringing you here"   
"No! Nicky I'm glad I'm here... I couldn't stay at home. I need to be here, away from it all. I needed time to process it all"  
"And have you?"  
"No"

Shane looked away. He propped himself up onto the lounge and curled up, resting his head in Nicky's lap. The blonde watched his love then reached out and gently stroked his fingers through Shane's hair. His fiancé was strong and a fighter and Nicky knew he'd get through this... In his own time.  
Nicky wasn't going to push him. He knew Shane needed space and Nicky was more than willing to give it to him.  
His eyes scanned the room and rested on the table. The uneaten food was getting cold. Nicky's heart ached for the younger boy. This wasn't how he'd expected to spend Shane's birthday. His mind drifted to the reservations he'd made for dinner. Should I cancel? He wondered.

No, he decided. Today was Shane's birthday and Nicky was going to make it as special a day as he could. Shane would cry now and get everything out of his system. In due time, he'd come back to Nicky.

Nicky continued to stroke Shane's hair, whispering words of comfort to the brunette. He wished there was some way he could help his lover but he knew there was nothing he could do right now.

"Shane?" Nicky called. The younger boy turned and looked up at him.  
"I'm really proud of you" Nicky whispered.  
"P... Proud? Why?"  
"Because you've come this far... And I know you're going to get though this"

Shane sat up and crawled into Nicky's lap. The blonde wrapped his arms around him and stood up. He carried the brunette into the bedroom and placed him on the bed. Shane watched as Nicky walked over to his suitcase and pulled out a small box.

"I was going to save this for tonight" Nicky said. "But I want you to open it now"

Nicky approached the bed and sat down beside Shane. He held the box out to the brunette and Shane accepted it. With shaking hands, the younger boy unwrapped his gift. He opened the box and looked in to it. A gold ring was gleaming up at him. He looked up at Nicky then back down at the ring.

"I have an engagement ring" Nicky began. "It's only fair you have one too"

Nicky reached in and removed the ring. He took Shane's hand in his then held the small band up for his lover to see. The younger boy could see an inscription inside the band.

"My brave fighter" Nicky read aloud.  
"It's beautiful, Nicky" Shane whispered.

The blonde smiled and slipped the ring onto Shane's finger. The younger boy leaned forward and kissed him. He had meant what he'd said earlier, that as long as he had Nicky in his life then he'd have everything he could ever need.

"I guess" Shane began. "The day you told me how you really felt about me, you bit off a lot more than you could chew"  
"So did you" Nicky replied. "But I don't care if I need dentures by the time I'm thirty, I'll keep chewing til the day I die"  
"I know you will... That's one of the [many] reasons why I love you"  
"You're going to get through this Shane. And I'll be right here with you, the whole time"  
"I know"  
Shane couldn't resist placing another kiss on Nicky's lips. The blonde smiled in return but the younger boy stood up and walked over to the window.

"I wish we could stay here forever" Shane said as he pulled his robe tighter around his body.  
Nicky slid off the bed and approached Shane, sliding his arms around his waist.  
"Me too" he agreed.  
"But we can't"  
"We still have two more days until we head home..."  
"Is that all?"  
Nicky laughed. "Yes, we can't miss the christening"  
"I know"  
"And Jade will be out of hospital by then"  
"She will?"  
"Yeah, I spoke to Kian last night and he told me"  
"That's great news"  
"It is" Nicky nodded. He rested his chin on Shane's shoulder.

"Do you think Mark will be okay for the tour?" Shane asked. "He hasn't quite mastered the use of his crutches"  
"I'm surprised you care" Nicky replied. Shane didn't reply. "We'll work something out"  
Shane sighed.  
"We're never going to have a normal life, are we?" he asked.  
"I don't know" Nicky said, placing a kiss on Shane's neck. "At least no one can say our lives are boring"  
"No" Shane smiled, turning around to face Nicky. "They can't, can they?"

Shane wrapped his arms around Nicky and they couple held each other close. They had already proven they could survive anything; all they had to do now was keep living.  
For each other. With each other. For the rest of their lives.

**Author's Note:**

> Original publication date (on my now defunct 'All Things Shnicky' site): 3rd March 2007


End file.
